SMACK DADDIES LOSE, 2008 DOGS CELEBRATE

Maurice Jones-Drew appeared on the NFFA Network Wednesday morning to discuss the 2008 East Nashville Black Dogs' undefeated season.

By R.E. Porter 
Associated Web Press

As they had for eleven seasons previously, members of the undefeated 2008 East Nashville Black Dogs gathered Monday evening to celebrate the last undefeated team losing. For the second straight night, members of the team assembled in the McMahonistan room at Club Gitmo to watch the Sylvan Goats’ take down of the 6-0 Atlanta Smack Daddies.

As he had on Sunday evening, Jim McMahon, the winningest coach in NFFA history who guided that 2008 team to a perfect season, played host to the gathering, and the champagne and green caviar flowed freely. A large contingent of 2008 Black Dogs were on hand, including Greg Jennings, Chris Johnson, Tony Romo, Frank Gore, John Abraham, Patrick Willis, Brian Urlacher, Jared Allen, Maurice Jones-Drew, Ronnie Brown, Matt Ryan, Matt Shaub, Matt Cassel, Josh Wilson, Leodis McKelvin, Ted Ginn Jr., and Lendale White. 

In an appearance on the NFFA Network Wednesday morning, Jones-Drew said, “To be honest, we kind of thought the Daddies might be able to go undefeated, so it was good to end the suspense this early in the season.”

As the final seconds ticked down on Monday Night Football and the Goats’ victory, word spread to the other sub-levels at Club Gitmo that drinks were on McMahon. It was at that point that things started to get a little crazy.

“What a [expletive] mess,” Ballers owner Mojo D, who has been staying at Club Gitmo, said, describing the scene he encountered the following morning. “The club was littered with champagne bottles and condoms and N-95 masks after the 2008 Dogs came through here last night. I found Patrick Willis asleep in one of the bathrooms.” For the record, when reached for comment, Willis said he wasn't asleep, he was just resting his eyes.

When the AWP asked McMahon about the party, he said, “What party? Was it somebody's birthday?” When he was reminded that the partygoers were celebrating his 2008 team's perfect season and the Daddies’ loss, McMahon said, “Oh, right. That freaking rocks.”

When word of the party reached Smack Daddies’ owner Lex Dominica, he said with sarcasm dripping, “It's nice to know someone is throwing parties in our honor. We are humbled.”

Reflecting on the fact the 2008 East Nashville team will stand as the only undefeated team in NFFA history for at least one more season, Jones-Drew said, “As the years go by, what we accomplished seems more and more amazing to me. In the moment twelve years ago, we were just taking it one game at a time, but looking back on it now, we know we were blessed to be part of such a magical season, and it's something we will always cherish.”

DTA WANTED BY POLICE IN POINT-SHAVING SCANDAL

DTA (shown above with Chuck D) is wanted by police for bribery and point shaving 

By Dixie Normus

United Web Press International

An arrest warrant has been issued for Cambridge Animals owner Dave the Animal by the Boston police department for allegedly bribing ELIAS Deputy Chief of Statistics, John Cocktosten. Buena Vista owner Mojo D and Sylvan owner Bronko Nagurski have also been identified as persons of interest.

Closed circuit video cameras captured DTA handing Cocktosten a large sum of cash and a pound of ball bearings early Wednesday morning outside Blarney's pub in Cambridge. A police department’s source said according to lip-reading specialists who viewed the footage, DTA told Cocktosten, “That fuckin' Derrick Henry picked up eight points with four minutes left to play, and I got beat. Find me two points before the game is official — I need this win.”   

According to the source, Cocktosten said in a signed statement to the police, “Early Thursday morning, I deducted two points, one point from (Green) linebacker Fred Warner and added one point to the score of (Animals) defensive lineman Brandon Graham. The changes were legit, and I already knew about them when DTA approached me. I figured he’s rich, why not take his money. What’s ten grand to someone like him.” He went on to say he “deeply” regretted his actions. Cocktosten has since tendered his resignation to EILIAS. 

Ironically, even with the changes, the Animals still lost by a tenth of a point. DTA was never good at math. When the Boston police informed NFFA commissioner Bernie Sanders of the charges against DTA, the Nashvegas Fantasy football Association had its first ever suspension of official scoring while all the changes were double-checked.   

Late Friday afternoon, Commissioner Sanders released a brief statement: “We have video footage showing what appears to be a cash bribe put forth by Dave the Animal, owner of the Cambridge Animals, to one of ELIAS's main point calculators, a Mr. John Cocktosten. DTA is now under investigation for conspiracy to shave points. The scores and standings in both leagues are official.  

“We are also investigating at this time Mr. Bronko Nagurski, owner of the Sylvan Goats, and Mr. Mojo D, owner of the Buena Vista Ballers, after we received an encrypted zoom video session that appears to show DTA having discussions with these team owners. It appears that the three of them would have been interested in an Animals win and a Green loss. We wish to thank West Nashville Beelzebubbas owner for sending us the zoom recording.”

At the time of this writing, the police had not been able to locate DTA. More on this as the story develops.

EAST SIDE SHUFFLE Black Dogs name Joe Montana head coach, Rex Ryan promoted to GM

Joe Montana was named the seventh head coach in Black Dogs history on Friday.

By R.E. Porter 
Associated Web Press

In what can be best described as a Friday evening news dump, East Nashville owner Bill Money announced a number of key personnel moves in a press release emailed to media outlets late Friday afternoon. 

It will be no surprise to many that Rex Ryan is out as the Black Dogs head coach and new offensive coordinator Joe Montana is in. What is surprising is Money named Ryan as the team's GM, replacing his daughter Maris "Mo" Money. As Money himself explained in the press release, he “wanted to see if he could catch lightning in a bottle twice.” 

“Fifteen or so years ago, our head coach became the team's GM and a former Super Bowl-winning quarterback became the team's head coach,” Money said. “The result was a string of successes that have made this the winningest franchise in NFFA history with four championships including a perfect 16-0 season in 2008 and twelve division titles over the past fifteen seasons. The name of that GM was Buddy Ryan, Rex's father, and the head coach of course was Jim McMahon. 

“Needless to say, this is a franchise unaccustomed to losing four games in a row at any point in the season, much less at the beginning. I spoke with Rex about it, told him I thought I needed to make a change, but I wanted him to take over as GM. It took a little persuading, but he has agreed to continue in that role with Joe taking over as head coach. Mo will become vice president of league relations and will be the team's liaison to new commissioner Sanders.”

A source inside the Black Dogs organization who spoke on condition of anonymity told AWP that the final straw for the owner came when Ryan overruled Montana last weekend on starting running back Joe Mixon, who totaled nearly 40 points. Montana liked Mixon's matchup, but Ryan thought he had been dogging it.

The source went on to say that Mo Money was furious about being replaced as GM and her new position may be the first step toward her replacing Meadow Soprano as assistant commissioner.

Rex's brother Rob remains with the team as defensive coordinator. More on this story as it develops.

COVID-19 GETS GITMO ASYLUM Ex-Bakers WR will share quarters with Mojo D for now

Ballers owner Mojo D (left) has been reunited at Club Gitmo with former Bakers WR Covid-19 (right), who traveled with Mojo D from China to the U.S. earlier this year.   

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

Covid-19, the troubled wide receiver cut by the London Bakers before the beginning of the NFFA season, has been granted asylum at Club Gitmo, FSN has learned.

“No. 19,” as he was known in the Bakers’ organization, had been in hiding ever since President and sworn enemy of the Bakers Donald Trump tested positive last week for the novel coronavirus. “We determined that No. 19 had received numerous, credible death threats from right-wing extremists and militia groups, urged on by commentators from Fox News,” said Boutros-Boutros Bouti from the office of the UN High Commissioner on Refugees. “That is why the UN reached out.”

According to sources within the US intelligence community, Covid also was being targeted by Russian strongman Vladimir Putin because of his association with the Bakers. Intelligence officials have long believed that Putin was behind an unsuccessful attempt two years ago to poison Sir QCurl Sharif, owner of the Bakers and Britain’s unofficial ambassador to the NFFA, with deadly polonium.

Maryjane Livingood of the West Nashville Beelzebubbas organization confirmed that Covid-19 had been granted temporary asylum at the team’s Club Gitmo headquarters. “Accommodations are a little tight right now, but we were able to bunk Covid with Mojo D, who also has received asylum here, until our newest expansion project is complete,” Livingood said. “Dr. Linardo has always encouraged us to be an oasis of freedom, and we take that mission seriously.”

It is unknown how Covid was able to reach asylum safely, but rumors swirled in both Washington and NashVegas that a National Security Agency team under command of General George Washington Leonard helped smuggle him to Club Gitmo from a hideout at Acoma Sky Pueblo in New Mexico.

Sharif, Livingood noted, had called Dr. Linardo personally to thank him for granting asylum to Covid-19 and played an audiotape of the conversation for a reporter. “That poor kid’s been through hell,” Sharif said on the call, “mostly just because he happened to have been a Baker and an anti-vaxxer. Thank God the Deep State and Club Gitmo are around to do the Lord’s work.”

FSN will update this developing story.