NFFA Commissioner William D. Money is said to be in the care ofAtlanta security chief “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero. (FILE PHOTO)
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports Network
In a move that threatens the upcoming season, if not the future of the league, a representative of the NFFA Competition Committee has declared a lockout of Commissioner William D. Money at the league offices in NashVegas.
Sources confirmed that late last night, Atlanta Smack Daddies General Manager/Head Coach Tony Soprano, flanked by his team’s security officer Salvatore “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero and Smack Daddies Community Outreach Counselor Alge Crumpler, commandeered NFAA headquarters and escorted Money from the building.
This morning, doors to the downtown tower were padlocked, and NFFA staff were unable to enter the building. Reached midday at the NFFA headquarters, Soprano said the action was taken to protest the bevy of year-end trades that rocked the play-offs and propelled the Smack Daddies to their third NFFA league championship.
“As the chairman of the league’s competition committee, Mr. Dominica didn’t like the way the Commissioner handled the situation last year, and neither did I,” Soprano said. “He rolled too easily. We need a stronger leader, someone who can carry a big stick.
“Let’s just say the commissioner has been, uh, decommissioned for a while,” added Soprano with a slight smile. “We also need better snack food in the owners lounge.” Soprano also said he was exploring the possibility of situating a franchise of the Bada-Bing Club on the first floor of the NFFA Tower.
At that point, female giggles and laughter filled the speaker phone. Soprano could be heard admonishing Crumpler, telling the former NFFA Man of the Year “Keep it down. Everybody knows about your stick.” When more laughter ensued, Soprano was heard telling Crumpler, “Get the fuck outta here, and take them all out with you.” When asked who was occupying the NFFA offices, Soprano was vague in his response, saying only he and his associates were making sure all the people were in the right positions, adding “If you know what I mean.”
Soprano went on to say that Bonpensiero was making sure Commissioner Money was safe. “He ain’t in any real trouble, I mean his head isn’t in any bowling ball bag,” Soprano said. "Money didn’t protest too much since Pussy shoved his Glock halfway down his throat. I think he got a general idea that we weren’t in a playful mood as it were. Pussy will make sure the Commissioner is handled the right way. No fuss. No muss. We just want to make sure the league is set up proper like to get the new season off on the right foot. We don’t want any hanky panky by any of these whack-job owners.” Soprano then added, “Just like I tell all my sanitation peoples, 'If something smells or leaves a spot, then we haven’t done our job right.'”
It was not completely clear what role Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica had in the bizarre raid on NFFA headquarters. According to Soprano, he hasn’t had an audience with the owner since Dominica left to allegedly organize the upcoming training camp at the team’s facility 30 miles outside of Havana. Soprano refused to speculate if Dominica’s presence in Cuba was tied to Venezuela President Hugo Chavez’s arrival back to Cuba for medical treatment. He declined to answer if Chavez was using the Smack Daddies team of former East German doctors.
“Those guys are good,” Soprano said, referring to the SmackDaddy medical team. “I seen them do some real good medical stuff with my own two eyes.”
Soprano said he was planning to revamp. “Rest assured the SmackDaddies are eager to get the season started, “ Soprano said. “There is no doubt this team is ready to defend the title. We just want to make sure we’re playing it on the level. We’re ready to light this fuse.”
Sources confirmed that late last night, Atlanta Smack Daddies General Manager/Head Coach Tony Soprano, flanked by his team’s security officer Salvatore “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero and Smack Daddies Community Outreach Counselor Alge Crumpler, commandeered NFAA headquarters and escorted Money from the building.
This morning, doors to the downtown tower were padlocked, and NFFA staff were unable to enter the building. Reached midday at the NFFA headquarters, Soprano said the action was taken to protest the bevy of year-end trades that rocked the play-offs and propelled the Smack Daddies to their third NFFA league championship.
“As the chairman of the league’s competition committee, Mr. Dominica didn’t like the way the Commissioner handled the situation last year, and neither did I,” Soprano said. “He rolled too easily. We need a stronger leader, someone who can carry a big stick.
“Let’s just say the commissioner has been, uh, decommissioned for a while,” added Soprano with a slight smile. “We also need better snack food in the owners lounge.” Soprano also said he was exploring the possibility of situating a franchise of the Bada-Bing Club on the first floor of the NFFA Tower.
At that point, female giggles and laughter filled the speaker phone. Soprano could be heard admonishing Crumpler, telling the former NFFA Man of the Year “Keep it down. Everybody knows about your stick.” When more laughter ensued, Soprano was heard telling Crumpler, “Get the fuck outta here, and take them all out with you.” When asked who was occupying the NFFA offices, Soprano was vague in his response, saying only he and his associates were making sure all the people were in the right positions, adding “If you know what I mean.”
Soprano went on to say that Bonpensiero was making sure Commissioner Money was safe. “He ain’t in any real trouble, I mean his head isn’t in any bowling ball bag,” Soprano said. "Money didn’t protest too much since Pussy shoved his Glock halfway down his throat. I think he got a general idea that we weren’t in a playful mood as it were. Pussy will make sure the Commissioner is handled the right way. No fuss. No muss. We just want to make sure the league is set up proper like to get the new season off on the right foot. We don’t want any hanky panky by any of these whack-job owners.” Soprano then added, “Just like I tell all my sanitation peoples, 'If something smells or leaves a spot, then we haven’t done our job right.'”
It was not completely clear what role Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica had in the bizarre raid on NFFA headquarters. According to Soprano, he hasn’t had an audience with the owner since Dominica left to allegedly organize the upcoming training camp at the team’s facility 30 miles outside of Havana. Soprano refused to speculate if Dominica’s presence in Cuba was tied to Venezuela President Hugo Chavez’s arrival back to Cuba for medical treatment. He declined to answer if Chavez was using the Smack Daddies team of former East German doctors.
“Those guys are good,” Soprano said, referring to the SmackDaddy medical team. “I seen them do some real good medical stuff with my own two eyes.”
Soprano said he was planning to revamp. “Rest assured the SmackDaddies are eager to get the season started, “ Soprano said. “There is no doubt this team is ready to defend the title. We just want to make sure we’re playing it on the level. We’re ready to light this fuse.”
