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| Relying on his magic "third eye" to look for loose change under his sofa cushions, DTA found the Animals' Awesome Awesomeness, prompting the team's resurgence. |
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Correspondent
Nearly halfway into the season, the Cambridge Animals were at rock bottom in the NFFA, with one lonesome win to show for six games of effort. Suddenly, after three straight victories, the Animals not only are the league’s hottest team but the one that is provoking the most fear among opponents — including the two 7-2 teams at the top of the standings, the Downtown Corsairs and the East Nashville Black Dogs.
While those two teams will battle at The Dawg House this weekend for sole possession of first, in what ordinarily might be considered the game of the year so far, all eyes will be on Ames, Iowa, where the floundering Green host the surging Animals, who their owner has described as a “snarling, loin-girded horde of homoerotic Huns sweeping fabulously across a trembling and supplicant land.”
“They’re the Ebola of the NFFA,” said ESPN’s Steven A. Smith. “They’re scaring the (excrement) and the vomit out of everybody else.”
Statistics outline an Animals’ resurgence. Through the first five weeks, the team averaged just 138.4 points per game. In the four contests that followed, they have averaged a gaudy 187.1 ppg. And during the past two weeks, when they have been the league’s top-scoring team, the Animals have averaged a jaw-dropping 211.3 ppg.
But the statistics do not provide the fuller picture of the Animals’ remarkable turnaround. Early on, say sources close to the team, Cambridge owner Dave the Animal had lost both focus and confidence. Perhaps, some suggested, he had been distracted by his involvement in the Partnership Against a Drug-Free America and his efforts to have free methamphetamines supplied for school lunchrooms as part of the new common core standards.
As injuries and losses — and fan criticism of the team’s management — mounted, a suddenly underconfident DTA turned to rival owners for lineup advice that sometimes proved disastrous. Wilder the Animal, the prodigy who had been named General Manager of the Year in the NFFA just two seasons ago, seemed to have lost his touch.
The turning point came when DTA, fearing to go out in public, ordered a large PAPA (pineapple, arugula, pomegranate and artichoke) pizza from Fabu Pie, an upscale boutique pizzeria/nail salon, on October. Realizing he was short on tip money, DTA began searching under the cushions of his den sofa. Along with three quarters, two dimes, two nickels, and an autographed copy of Dylan Thomas’ “Under Milkwood,” the Cambridge owner found the team’s fabled “Awesome Awesomeness” — and the Animals went on to rattle off four consecutive victories.
“I had no idea it was there or how it got there,” a red-faced DTA said later. “I had accused Wilder of losing it and grounded him for a month. Now I’m thinking Matt Damon stuck it down there when he was drunk, or Harvey Weinstein hid it there in a hardball effort to bring me to the negotiating table. Anyway, we’re taking a no-questions-asked approach. We’re just glad the A-A is back.”
While the Animals remain in last place in the red-hot Jorgé Division, they’re just two games behind in the playoff race, with divisional play set to resume in two weeks. After withstanding a furious comeback to hand the suddenly reeling Corsairs their second straight defeat, some analysts say the Animals are poised to run the table, finish 9-5, and secure a playoff berth.
“I’ve never not been scared of them,” said Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, “especially in the second half of the season when the Awesome Awesomeness kicks in. I’ve always said, ‘There’s nothing more dangerous than a wounded Animal, except a wounded gay animal that’s been smoking crystal for days on end.’”
“There’s a famous story from the 1920s when the New York Yankees were traveling by train for a series on the road,” said Beelzebubbas owner Mos’ Ded. “Babe Ruth walked in the restaurant car and announced, ‘Any woman that doesn’t want to get [bleeped] better be out of here in 5 minutes.’
“That’s what it feels like with the Animals right now. They’re [bleep]ing everything in their path.”
