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| In this photo taken in May, Bakers owner QCurl Sharif can be seen standing behind Ukrainian president Petro Poroshenko at a rally in the former Soviet republic. |
By Man Ray Natural
The Mainline Dope
NASHVILLE—In a stunning development, 12th Avenue Bakers' owner QCurl Sharif has spoken to the press, and his conversation with Charlie Rose has been confirmed and authenticated by the Associated Press, The New York Times and CBS News.
Sharif has reportedly returned to his home in Nashville, arriving late Saturday night, accompanied by Ukrainian president Petro Poroshenko, the Chocolate King. His return, according to Rose, was prompted by the sale of the Bakers to superfan Bill Cheatham, a move by the league which Sharif says is obviously illegal. The 12th Avenue owner had been missing for several months, and Cheatham had him declared legally dead by a local judge following some specific and horrifying reports from Ukraine.
Sharif has reportedly returned to his home in Nashville, arriving late Saturday night, accompanied by Ukrainian president Petro Poroshenko, the Chocolate King. His return, according to Rose, was prompted by the sale of the Bakers to superfan Bill Cheatham, a move by the league which Sharif says is obviously illegal. The 12th Avenue owner had been missing for several months, and Cheatham had him declared legally dead by a local judge following some specific and horrifying reports from Ukraine.
"You know I've got nine lives, Charlie," Sharif told Rose.
Prior to Sharif's apparent return, he was attempting to negotiate a fragile peace accord between pro-Russian rebels and the Ukraine with Poroshenko. Those efforts are ongoing.
With the NFFA's annual league draft looming, Sharif told Rose that he was going "to hole up in the Treehouse with CK [Chocolate King] and hammer out a team strategy" and "that we may hate the Russkies, but there will be Stoli involved."
Fans and league officials alike have criticized Sharif's actions in recent years, citing addiction and other behavior to poor performance by the Bakers. This, despite some moderate success under former coach Snoop Lion, who was fired in the midst of the 2013 season. Former placekicker Rob Bironas was named Bakers' head coach heading into 2014 after emerging from a list that included Iggy Pop and Cheetah Chrome. Bironas has not spoken to the press himself since the hire, but has reportedly reached out to Lion for assistance.
With the NFFA's annual league draft looming, Sharif told Rose that he was going "to hole up in the Treehouse with CK [Chocolate King] and hammer out a team strategy" and "that we may hate the Russkies, but there will be Stoli involved."
Fans and league officials alike have criticized Sharif's actions in recent years, citing addiction and other behavior to poor performance by the Bakers. This, despite some moderate success under former coach Snoop Lion, who was fired in the midst of the 2013 season. Former placekicker Rob Bironas was named Bakers' head coach heading into 2014 after emerging from a list that included Iggy Pop and Cheetah Chrome. Bironas has not spoken to the press himself since the hire, but has reportedly reached out to Lion for assistance.
According to Rose, Sharif was candid, if not coherent. He spoke of the team's upcoming season, immediate litigation, Faith Popcorn and Mr. TD, as well as his very essence.
"I feel better about this season than any in recent years," Sharif told Rose. "The first pick and the draft restructure should be a big shot in the arm. Speaking of shots in the arm, I'm late for the Treehouse sessions with CK. Incidentally, I'm wearing a suit made completely out of chocolate. It's the most amazing thing. CK is a stone-cold genius."
When pressed about the potential first pick, Sharif was coy.
"I know everyone expects us to take Peyton, and that makes a lot of sense, but to have a pussy of that magnitude wearing the colors is a hard thing to envision," Sharif said. "There's a lot of back-channel discussion going on right now, and believe it or not, the rebels in Ukraine are watching this very closely. The Bakers' success this year could have a direct bearing on things over there.
"But, I'm getting a little ahead of myself with this conversation. I've instructed Mandrake Kirby to file an immediate request for an injunction against the new ownership," he continued. "If this mess isn't cleaned up, the Bakers could have two separate drafts on Thursday, and that would screw the league big time. I'm not here to do that. I'm back to reclaim the team, and to expose that rail of a transgender apostate Meemaw Murman. Those two things are first order of business — that and showing Petro a good time here. If the right people show up tonight, we'll be off to a good start."
Rose apparently aimed a few questions directly at Poroshenko, who spoke through Sharif. When asked why he would accompany Sharif back to the States when things were so fragile in the Ukraine, Poroshenko responded:
"Oligarchs are people who seek power in order to further enrich themselves. But I have long fought against bandits who are robbing our country and have destroyed free enterprise."
In early 2014, the Russian government-aligned television station NTV aired a film which portrayed Poroshenko and his friendship with Sharif in an extremely negative light. Sharif apparently sees himself and Poroshenko as brothers-in-arms. He also views Poroshenko as a line of defense against his former Russian partners.
"This all makes so much sense," Sharif told Rose. "CK will help the Bakers, and the Bakers will help CK. Simple as that. I've always considered myself an underdog, and when you look at the dog CK's up against — well, you just have to bask in the badass's glow. I mean, come on, when you take on that bear, you've got something swinging."
According to Rose, Sharif seemed a bit emotional when asked about the organization's PR director Faith Popcorn, and former mascot Mr. TD, believed to have been reanimated for the upcoming season. The present whereabouts of both is unknown.
"I will say that we've been up close to a heavy scene. Really heavy. Mr. TD may or may not be coming home, if in fact he was ever alive again. Faith will return when the time comes — she's having to deal with some things right now. There's something wrong with her legs."
More on this story as it develops.
