Smack Daddies QB Cam Newton sporting his fashion-forward Harry Potter look.
By Burman Fisher
FSN Sports
ATLANTA—Roger Ailes, the newly appointed Grand Master of Communications for the Atlanta Smack Daddies, has raised what he termed “a blatant and ill-conceived attempt” by the NFFA, Rupert Murdoch and the West Nashville Beelezbubbas to fix the outcome of this week’s showdown.
“It’s just evil” Ailes snorted. “Even Dick Cheney told me this was over the top.”
According to Ailes, Smack Daddies’ stud quarterback Cam Newton was escorted off the field early in the 4th quarter by game officials after passing for a touchdown and running for a two-point conversion in the Panthers stunning 48-33 loss to the Atlanta Falcons. It was announced to the pressbox that Newton was being entered into the league’s concussion protocol.
“The simple fact that Newton was allegedly entered into the NFL’s concussion protocol is a farce,” the rotund, right-wing media savant said to the gathered crowd in the Smack Daddies locker room after the game.
“It’s simple. There’s nothing there to concuss.” he said. “Anybody with half a brain would know that. It’s been clearly documented. All you have to do is talk to his teachers at Blinn Junior College or watch his time at John Gruden’s quarterback school,’ he added. “There’s nobody home.”
Cam Newton at Gruden QB School
Cam Newton at Gruden QB School
When asked how Newton was able to stay eligible and lead Auburn to a mythical national championship and the Carolina Panthers to the Super Bowl, Ailes said anything was possible. He asserted that people very rarely want to peek behind the curtain.
“Just look at Donald Trump. I’ve only been assisting this orangutan on his campaign for less than a month and he’s moved within single digits of that cow, Hillary Clinton,” Ailes said. “Only half-wits and those swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool haven’t figured out that Trump is using this election to hold the Clintons hostage in broad daylight. There’s a big payoff coming,” he said.
When asked if he thought the Smack Daddies quarterback had suffered any injury during the game, Ailes merely rolled his eyes and offered his opinion.
“The only thing Cam’s injured is the nation’s fashion sense. Have you seen any of his outfits for his postgame press conferences?” Ailes sighed. “Hell, one time he came out dressed like a black Harry Potter, and another time he looked like Professor Hill in The Music Man. When he came out with a fake foxtail attached to his pants, I thought Ron (Rivera) was gonna shit,” Ailes said.
“This is one jacked up league.”
UPDATE:
FSN Sports has learned the Smack Daddies have filed a formal complaint with deputy commissioner Meadow Soprano.
