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| Leaked cell phone photo of QCurl Sharif from his hospital bedside in July. |
By Man Ray Natural
The Mainline Dope
NASHVILLE—In an unexpected interview from a private room at the Cherry Bomb Café, London Bakers owner QCurl Sharif accused Russian president Vladimir Putin of ordering his poisoning, and spoke out to those critics linking him with a deplorable sub-genre of Donald Trump supporters known as "bakers" who follow a theoretical deep-state official known as "Q."
Their belief is that President Trump is in league with Q, and that the pair are coordinating a massive counter-coup against the Illuminati and the U.S. government. They also believe that Special Counsel Robert Mueller's investigation of Russian meddling in the U.S. democratic process is being done in concert with Trump's covert uprising.
Sharif revealed that he had been in hospital for much of July recovering from the Russian poisoning attack. The hospital, located deep in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina, treated Sharif under an assumed name.
"Of course, my involvement fighting the Russians in the Ukraine, and my Bakers' partnership with Petro Poroshenko has put a target on my back these past few years," Sharif said, smiling weakly beneath a portrait of Baker great Steve McNair at the Cherry Bomb. "I have worked hard to remain open and accessible to our fans and to my many friends, but it has been a challenge to protect myself from these thugs.
"Our move to London enraged the White House and our practice of kneeling on the sidelines for the duration of our games has flat out shriveled Trump's nuts. Literally. Our operatives told the Baker front office that his nuts recede into his body during tantrums. What I didn't take into account is that he is more dangerous when "genderless." He dresses like Rudy Giuliani and walks the streets of D.C. in the wee hours, stalking young men, coveting their precious bodily fluids. It is rumored he has drugged and murdered multiple victims in the past eighteen months."
Sharif contends Trump appealed to Putin personally in full fright wig and dress to poison him.
"I was on a cleansing retreat in the mountains when I fell ill," he said. "I received a deep ayurvedic massage treatment and had returned to my yert for reflection. I've come to believe a toxin was placed in my personal humidor. My treatments were experimental and nearly killed me -- but i'm expected to make a full recovery. The doctors told me it was reminiscent of treating Elvis in the old days. They loaded me with a broad range of pain killers and cleaning agents and let the chips fall where they would.
"Incredibly, Petro told me he has a confirmed video recording of a bare-chested Putin and Trump sealing the deal physically."
Sharif decided to come to Nashville to continue his recovery before returning to London. He learned of the "Q" theory while recuperating on a farm just south of the city.
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| Putin the Poisoner? |
"I think these fools are walking hand-in-hand with Trump and Putin in an attempt to further turn the screw on me personally," he said. "I think our annual Bacchanals with the Bubbas have pushed them over the edge. And though Biggs and I are members of the original chapter of the Bavarian Illuminati, we do not truck with the rogues of the New World Order, and all that Eyes Wide Shut bullshit. That's for amateurs.
"I believe there will be a reckoning of the global body politic during this NFFA season, I believe it will be a natural thing — and for the real Bakers out there, I pledge it will only enhance our drive to the championship."
