MAYOR DEAN THREATENS NFFA Vows to close NashVegas venues if Black Dogs crowned champs

Mayor Karl Dean was fired up earlier today as he addressed the situation with the Downtown Corsairs, who have been stripped of their 2014 NFFA championship.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

Even as the sports world reels from the decision of NFFA-appointed arbitrator QCurl Sharif to strip the Downtown Corsairs of the championship they won on the field, Nashville mayor Karl Dean has intervened to up the ante.

Early Tuesday, Dean announced that the Nashville Metro police department would block all access to the five NFFA stadiums within Davidson County, effectively preventing the league’s season from starting in September.

Such a blockade, if enforced, would affect the Corsairs, the Village Green, the 12th Avenue Bakers, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, and the East Nashville Black Dogs, the team that, under Sharif’s decision, would become the league champion for 2014.

“This is obviously an extreme step, but one that I believe is necessary if the NFFA continues down its clearly illegal path,” said a clearly irate Dean as he stood in front of the Music City Center, which doubles as home of the Corsairs.

By midday Tuesday, the two candidates vying to succeed Dean as mayor, Megan Barry and David Fox, both said they supported Dean’s hardball stance against the league.

Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan, who filed the complaint that led to Sharif’s ruling, called Dean’s announcement “[bleep]ing obscene,” pointing out that Dean is closely identified with the Corsairs and, therefore, biased in their favor. “He was drunker than a hoot owl and dancing on the piano at the Palm at their victory party last year,” Ryan said. “Now he’s trying to put in the fix.”

Anton Chigur, the Bubbas’ VP of Community Relations, suggested that Metro Police would find it difficult to prevent games from being played at Colt 45 Stadium. “First of all, we have the most loyal and most heavily armed fans in football, and they’re strongly of the opinion that Stand Your Ground laws apply to encounters with street gangs, I mean, the cops. And second of all, if the police actually show up in our neighborhood, it will be the first time.”

New Green owner Donald Trump, who has not hesitated to roil the waters in his first full week in the league, issued a threat of his own. “Who is this loser Mayor McCheese guy?” Trump blustered in a phone call with reporters. “He couldn’t run a worm farm. He couldn’t be a wart on Rudy Giuliani’s ass. He thinks he can close Trump Stadium and keep the Green from playing? Wait till he watches me pack it all up and move it to the real Village. I already have the property, and all I have to do is evict those rent-controlled losers who are sucking it dry. Karl Dean is just hastening the day when we’ll see the Greenwich Village Green. They’re going to be huge. Block my access to that, you buck-toothed, bloated tub of grits.”

League commissioner Bill Money was reportedly at the Castaneda Spiritual Retreat & Spa in Sedona, Arizona, this week and could not be reached for comment.

SHARIF RULES FOR BLACK DOGS ‘Afterthought’ decision strips Corsairs of title

12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif and Bakers quarterback Tom Brady pose for a photograph at Sharif's "Return to Integrity" dinner Friday evening.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

In the latest among a fast-breaking series of events that threaten to undo the league’s on-field results from last season, 12th Avenue Bakers owner and league-appointed arbitrator QCurl Sharif has ruled that the East Nashville Black Dogs are rightful NFFA champions for 2014-15.

As part of his finding, Sharif said that the Downtown Corsairs, who defeated the West Nashville Beelzebubbas in last season’s championship game, must surrender the trophy they fashioned for themselves.

Sharif’s ruling comes on the heels of an injunction issued by a federal judge to halt a lower-court decision finding that the Corsairs had violated the league’s little-known “160-hour rule” and must vacate their title — the team’s second in three seasons. Sharif’s decision involves a complaint separate from the lawsuit and apparently is not affected by the court case

Earlier in the summer, NFFA Commissioner Bill Money had appointed Sharif to serve as arbitrator and official investigator to study a formal complaint against the league filed by Black Dogs’ general manager Buddy Ryan. According to the complaint, the Bubbas should have been required to forfeit their semifinals playoff victory over the Dogs because their quarterback, Tom Brady, had used underinflated footballs in the game.

A forfeit, Ryan pointed out, would have put the Black Dogs in the championship game — and, based on their higher score in Week 16, would have given them a victory in the finals over the Corsairs.

Commissioner Money, who is also the Black Dogs’ principal owner, recused himself from the decision and appointed Sharif as a neutral party. Though many observers questioned whether Sharif could be truly neutral — he has, after all, accused Corsairs owner Mojo D of attempting to assassinate him, and it was his team that filed the federal lawsuit seeking to strip the Corsairs of their title — a league official who requested anonymity said Money believed that Sharif’s “forget to hate” philosophy allowed him to purge his mind of animosity and render an impartial decision. “In effect,” said the official, “QCurl’s short-term memory loss issues make him more objective by default. He starts every day with a blank slate.”

“It’s an obvious travesty,” said Nashville mayor Karl Dean, who was seen last year at several Corsairs celebrations at The Palm, the team’s unofficial headquarters. “The sooner the league can get an impartial commissioner in place, the better,” Dean added, hinting that he might be available for the position as his mayoral term ends.

Ryan, unsurprisingly, had a different take. “This is a victory for all that is right and decent about this league and about America,” said the Black Dogs’ crusty eminence grise at a hastily called press conference at the Madison Shoney’s, where Ryan was dining when he got the news. “The moral arc of a [expletive] Hail Mary pass is long, but it bends toward justice.”

Donald Trump, the new owner of the Village Green, called FSN Sports with a comment of his own. “Frankly, I don’t see why anyone would be fighting for the right to own that trophy,” Trump said. “Have you seen that trophy? It’s a loser trophy. Some guy sitting on something, maybe a toilet. It looks like something Lindsay Graham would have.

“Let me tell you something. We’re gonna design a new trophy for the NFFA — something huge and gold, maybe with a chimpanzee. Everybody’s going to love this trophy. Everybody’s going to want it, especially after the Village Green take it home this season and show people what a winner looks like.”

Throughout the summer, there had been no word about Sharif’s investigation into Ryan’s complaint. In fact, there was no sign that Sharif had even followed through on his assignment from Money, creating a strong suspicion that the surprise weekend ruling was almost an afterthought.

Before word came that federal judge Martha Craig Daughtrey had issued her injunction favoring the Corsairs, Sharif and a group of supporters had gathered at the reclusive owner’s West End Tree House for what was billed as a “Return to Integrity” party celebrating the earlier decision for Sharif by Judge Natalie Morningstar. The group reportedly included Vice President Joe Biden, whom Sharif has urged to run for the White House in 2016, and, ironically, new Bakers QB Tom Brady, whose alleged cheating had been the basis for the complaint that Sharif upheld.

When a reporter admitted to the celebration found Sharif, who said he and Coach Snoop Dogg were “about to unleash a Cochabamba snowstorm” — an apparent reference to one provision of the trade with the Bubbas that made Brady a Baker — she reminded him that he had not issued any findings from the investigation into Ryan’s complaint that he had been appointed to conduct.

“Oh, yeah,” Sharif replied, as a look of recognition came across his face. “As you know, it’s been a very busy summer for us, and as you also know, we haven’t had access until this week to all the witnesses we needed.”

Turning to Brady, who was engaged in what he later called a staring contest with actor James Franco, Sharif asked, “Tom, did you cheat with deflated balls when you were with the Bubbas?”

After Brady replied, “I think so,” Sharif turned to the reporter and said: “My work is done here. The Black Dogs are the rightful champions.”

While some longtime observers of the league said it was an egregious mistake to delegate the decision solely to Sharif, others suggested that Money’s options were limited. “Hell, the commissioner employs the GM who filed the complaint,” said sportswriter Woody Larry. “If you take a vote of all the owners, they can’t be objective because they’re all jealous of the Corsairs. The Green’s owner put a banner on his website congratulating the Black Dogs as the champions within 30 minutes of the announcement of the investigation.”

Corsairs owner Mojo D could not be reached for comment early Saturday, but Sharif’s ruling is certain to be challenged. “To be continued,” Corsairs’ legal counsel H. Louis Dewey tersely told reporters gathered outside The Roofie at Music City Center just after 8 a.m. Saturday. “This will not stand.”

CORSAIRS FILE INJUNCTION, PROTECT 2014 CHAMPIONSHIP

Corsairs Coach Ray-Ray Lewis and Owner/GM Mojo D talk to the media outside the federal courthouse in Nashville

By Soren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports News

Responding to a lower-court decision to vacate their 2014 NFFA Championship, the Corsairs filed on Thursday an injunction to the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals. Senior Judge Martha Craig Daughtrey granted the injunction, and has set a trial date of January 19, 2016, to "give all sides in this dispute the opportunity for proper discovery."

Backed by Corsairs Coach Ray-Ray Lewis, a visibly perturbed Mojo D addressed the specific charges contained in the complaint outside the federal courthouse in Nashville, just down the street from the Corsairs' home field, The Roofie at Music City Center:

"1. Yes, NFFA payments were late - not withheld. Clerical mistakes were made in accounting, and those responsible have been dealt with harshly. We have made good on our past payments, and our check is in the mail for 2015.

"2. There is no existing NFFA trophy; ergo, we made one. You may pry ours from my cold, dead fingers, but not before. But you may also create your own, should you ever win it all, Q Curl. The league damn sure won't give you one.

"3. I would expect another team to invoke the 160-hour rule, but not Q Curl -- his deep understanding of the fluidity of quantum time-space, and trans-dimensional, planar membranes should preclude the small thinking that produces such an odd, unenforceable rule. 160 sidereal hours is but a blink in the Continuum."

Against his attorney H. Louis Dewey's advice, the Corsairs GM continued: "This is another lame attempt to unseat the reigning NFFA Champion - this seems to come around every season, and it's meant to distract us from the upcoming draft. 

"There are any number of technical challenges: can the undead/re-animated be party to a lawsuit? Can a Ukrainian national sue in US federal court? Who is the unnamed third party?"

At that point, Lewis took the mic:

"The Black Dogs didn't get anywhere with how Tom Brady's balls were handled, so now this half-assed sh*t comes along. The lawyers will fight it, and the Corsairs will go play fantasy football - and win!

"Right now, we are headed back to the War Room (note: the Corsairs have re-located their draft HQ to hipster-infested Pinewood Social) to run scenarios on how to make the most of the four -- count 'em, bitches: four -- picks we have in the first two rounds of the 2015 Draft. From there, we figure out how to continue this dynasty."

Lewis referenced two last-hour transactions that could shape the Corsairs' season: trading WR Odell Beckham Jr. for the Beelzebubbas' 2nd-round pick (#15 overall), and moving WR Dez Bryant and a 4th-round pick to the Bakers for the Bakers' 2nd-round draft pick (#13 overall). The moves give the Corsairs fully 25% of the top 16 picks, even though they are all clustered between #8 and #16.

GREEN PLAY THE TRUMP CARD

New Village Green owner Donald Trump plans to bring back Coach Stuart Smalley.

By Heywood Jablomee
United Web Press International

In a stunning move of bravado, presidential candidate Donald Trump has acquired all assets of the NFFA franchise, The Village Green. While hot on the campaign trail, the Donald let loose his most favorite catch phrase, "You're FIRED!" — this time directed at hometown hero, John Wayne.

Reached for comment, Mr. Trump exclaimed,"This country needs a change. No more freakin' Mexicans, no more old coaches, pilgrims. I will return The Village Green to glory.

"Coach Stuart Smalley will return as our head coach," he concluded.

BOMBSHELL JUDGE DROPS BOMB ON CHAMPS

New 12th Avenue Bakers QB Tom Brady smiles as he leaves the federal courthouse after Tuesday's ruling stripping the Downtown Corsairs of the 2014 NFFA title.

By Man Ray Natural

The Mainline Dope

NASHVILLE—In a delayed, much-anticipated ruling, federal judge Naomi Morningstar, handed down a bombshell decision to the NFFA and its defending champion, Downtown Corsairs, declaring the 2014 title invalid and ordered the trophy returned to the league office by midnight, Friday, August 21.

In her 214-page decision on a lawsuit brought before her under a closed indictment last December, Morningstar revealed that Corsairs owner Mojo D had withheld league payments beyond deadline for several years, manufactured his own championship trophy, and that the franchise had violated the 160-hour rule in which NFFA owners are barred from scouting, research, and team personnel moves that require a total of more than 160 online hours in a week. All are relatively minor infractions, but when viewed as part of a whole design to "gain an unfair advantage," and to "undermine, obstruct, and otherwise impede league business," the judge said, "I have no alternative but to rule in favor of the plaintiffs."

Those plaintiffs include 12th Avenue Bakers owners QCurl Sharif and Petro "Chocolate King" Poroshenko, and a yet-to-be-named participant.

The ruling, which was released in relatively mundane fashion late Tuesday afternoon, means that the league must declare a new defending champion. Mojo D is expected to appeal the decision. Meanwhile, Bakers owner Sharif was planning a dinner to coincide with the Friday midnight deadline in which he and special guests would celebrate the restoration of integrity to the league.

"I think the trophy must be protected and returned to the vault," Sharif had said after filing the suit in December. "It's our last symbol of integrity."

Expected to be in attendance at the midnight dinner is newly acquired quarterback Tom Brady, who has publicly stated his gratitude for being traded to the Bakers, and for reuniting him with close and ailing friend Faith Popcorn.

"This means I can spend more time with her at QCurl's home, and hopefully have an impact on her recovery," Brady said. "This is a bittersweet day. I know how thrilled she was when she left the courthouse after the filing. She's a strong and beautiful woman, and the idea that she is laid up there with that tiny coffin is almost more than I can take."

When questioned about the "tiny coffin" remark, Brady seemed surprised and walked back from his comment.

"I meant to say 'coffin-shaped,'" he said. "It's probably her belongings from the Ukraine and I was so focused on her injuries, I didn't really notice it in detail."

Sharif praised Morningstar's decision and told reporters that her integrity is beyond reproach.

"I've become close with Naomi and have developed a strong opinion about her character," Sharif said. "She doesn't like lying, unless it's centered around role playing, and she doesn't suffer fools, except when we play 'Court Jester.' She's the type of woman who, when dining with Sepp [Blatter] and a few friends, scolded him for not wearing pants to a formal dinner. She's top rack ... I mean shelf."

With the predraft trade deadline looming Wednesday, the legal news is sure to set off a firestorm of reaction and may impact some of the action.

"I think this is a great way to start the new season," Sharif said. "Adrift in a sea of speculation. I hope my dinner will be the first step in restoring some of the values that serve as the foundation of this league."

There has been no official statement from the Corsairs, or the league office, at this time.