SWEEP! Jorge division goes 4-0 against Linardo opponents in week two

After being swept by the Jorge division, Linardo division teams found brooms like the one shown above leaning against their office doors this morning.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Once ridiculed as the "Loser" division, the Linardo division has captured the last three NFFA titles to lay claim to being the league's strongest division. But in week two, that claim took a big hit, as the Jorge division swept their Linardo opponents. 

To add insult to injury, Linardo team officials arrived at their offices today to find an unwanted gift awaiting them: custom brooms to remind them of the sweep by their Jorge division rivals. The brooms, which were leaning against their entranceways, were stamped with a message: "Compliments of Jorge Division, Megan Barry, Mayor." 

The AWP has learned the custom brooms were also delivered to The Palm and the Music City Center in downtown Nashvegas, as well as the Goodrow-A-Go-Go in Hillsboro Village, The Bada Bing in Atlanta, and the private homes of the Linardo division owners. 

More on this story as it develops.

ZOMBIE QUARTERBACK! Startling discovery after Bubbas' coaches notice Peyton Manning’s ‘dead’ arm

Did the Bakers zombify Peyton Manning before trading him to the Beelzebubbas.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

First, Bubbas QB Coach Adam Sandler noticed that Peyton Manning “seemed to have a dead arm” in warmups. Then, after the former league MVP struggled mightily, scoring a paltry 11.4 points in Sunday’s season-opening loss, Sandler asked the team’s medical staff to run some tests.

They made a startling discovery.

“I can confirm to you,” said team physician Roy Draige, “that the quarterback who took the field for us Sunday is a zombie.”

The discovery apparently sent shock waves throughout the Bubbas organization and is sure to ripple across the NFFA as well. It raised a host of questions that the team — and the media — are rushing to investigate.

“How did Manning become zombified? Why didn’t we notice earlier? Is Zombie Peyton the real Peyton or just a zombie clone? We don’t know yet, but we’re going to find out,” said Bubbas Chief Operating Officer Anton Chigur.

For obvious reasons, intense scrutiny is being directed toward the 12th Avenue Bakers, Manning’s former team and the only franchise in the league with zombification technology. According to Chigur, his investigative staff is looking into whether the Bakers knew that the quarterback was a zombie — or even zombified him intentionally — before trading him to the Beelzebubbas last month for Tom Brady and linebacker Paul Posluszny.

“It’s no secret that [Bakers owner] QCurl [Sharif] despised Peyton,” said a longtime Bakers employee who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, it was so obvious that Peyton even changed his name to He Hate Me.

“On the other hand, there have been rumors of accidents from down at Hohenwald,” where the Bakers maintain their primary zombification facility. If Peyton went down there, it’s conceivable he might have gotten drunk and wound up in the wrong room. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have been the first time.”

The employee noted that, several years ago at the annual Bacchanalia to the Future, former Village Green owner Dave Goodrow was partially zombified in what festival organizers called a “near-tragic mishap.” Goodrow eventually recovered and regained most of his human functions following the accident.

Bakers owner QCurl Sharif could not be reached for comment. A team official said Sharif had been in a conference all weekend with Petro “Chocolate King” Poroshenko and singer/activist Elton John about LGBT rights in Ukraine.

Manning’s brother, Eli, who also plays for the Beelzebubbas, said the revelation was both a shock and somehow unsurprising. “I hadn’t really noticed any difference, to tell you the truth,” Eli said. “He’s always been kind of robotic and mumbles a lot, you know?”

Peyton’s status for this week’s game against the Green was unclear. He is officially listed as “questionable,” and team trainers are working to improve the QB’s arm strength. Sandler refused to name a starter at the position going forward but noted that Eli, the live Manning, scored only nine more points last week than his zombie brother.

Meanwhile, NashVegas’ zombie rights community greeted Tuesday’s news with giddy excitement. “This is a real breakthrough,” said film director George Romero, who leads a nonprofit called Parents & Friends of Zombies (PFOZ). “Peyton is a pioneer. It’s a new day for the dead.”

Corsairs Plan Championship Parade, Ring Ceremony for Sunday

Expect to see Corsairs Owner/GM Mojo D and Jack White reprise their 2012 championship performance on Sunday.

by Soren Bernyn, FSN

The Downtown Corsairs, defending NFFA Champions, plan to kick off the new season in style Sunday with a raucous parade through Nashville, capped with a halftime Championship Ring ceremony for the Corsairs 2014 roster. The team held a presser Saturday at Pinewood Social, the team's new unofficial headquarters.

"We tried to have this parade several times during the off-season, but were stymied by wicked weather and scattered assholes filing lawsuits," Corsairs Owner/GM Mojo D stated, referring to the annual barrage of NFFA team attorneys attempting to overturn the previous season's championship. "But it's a new day in Nashville, and we are stoked to have two of our stalwart fans as co-marshals: outgoing mayor Karl Dean, and incoming mayor Megan Barry. They have supported the Corsairs since the get-go, and the team has reciprocated."

The parade will include a regular who's-who of Nashville glitterati, and will feature performances by The Avett Brothers, Turbo Fruits, Kacey Musgraves and - naturally - Jack White. Mojo D was vibrating with delight when he said: "It is entirely possible that Jack and I will perform our 2012 Championship anthem 'Rather Be Lucky (Than Good [Any Day])', as well as debut our new surf-grass instrumental 'STFU,' which we are dedicating to our fellow NFFA owners and their lawyers."

The parade itself will wind from City Hall to the Music City Center, where the Corsairs will open their season at home in their luxury field, affectionately nicknamed "The Roofie." in typical fashion, the Corsairs' parade will be a visual spectacle, with Mardi Gras-style floats representing highlights and low points of the season. Mojo D opined "my favorite is the one commemorating the Bakers' lawsuit - it's a live-action tableau of Salvador Dalî's 'The Persistence of Memory,' complete with melting clocks."

The lead float will follow the TSU Marching Band, and "since he has the week off, LeVeon Bell will baby-sit my grandson Asher on that float - the two of them were key to our championship." Other floats display "a giant, ridiculous, orange-spray-tanned, candy-cotton-combover effigy" of Village Green's new owner Donald Trump, which Mojo D said "may or may not explode in front of The Palm. It should be awesome - fire-eaters, clowns, chainsaw-jugglers, erotic gymnasts, trannies on stilts, punk-rock brass bands, UFO fly-overs, interactive holograms: the whole breadth and depth of a new Nashville!"

The ring ceremony at halftime promises to be emotional: young Asher will present the team with a symbol of their victory: a two-knuckle gold ring studded with emeralds and diamonds in the shape of the Roofie. It will also present an awkward moment when two current Beelzebubbas - CJ Anderson and Odell Beckham Jr. - cross from the opponents' sideline to accept their rings. "I hate that those dudes aren't Corsairs anymore," Coach Ray-Ray Lewis said. "They're gamers, but you only get one keeper."


"But enough hoopla," Mojo D said. "The season is upon us - let the games and the drinks begin!" It is worth noting that the hipster crowd at Pinewood was puzzled.

‘BARRY’ GO-GO’S WILD Female impersonator takes Village by storm

Megging Barry appeared as Lady Gaga last night a the Goodrow-a-Go-Go.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

While NashVegas prepared for a runoff election to determine who would lead the city for the next four years, a female impersonator is claiming to be “the mayor of Hillsboro Village” — and has apparently won the hearts and minds of audiences of the Goodrow-a-Go-Go.

The performer, who goes by the name Megging Barry, also may have had an impact on the city’s mayoral politics. Barry, who says he arrived last December from “the Northeast,” has drawn packed crowds to the Village nightspot, which is operated by Dave Goodrow, former owner of the Village Green. The tall, sculpted dancer’s stage moniker is a play on the name of Megan Barry, who was the top vote-getter in the August mayoral primary, and on his habit of wearing the men’s leggings that have become associated with the club and many of its clientele.

On Tuesday, wearing a long white gown and a blonde wig, a heavily padded Barry impersonated Dolly Parton, changing the words of one of Dolly’s best known songs from “Jolene” to “Karl Dean.” Later, he appeared in a pink chamois sweatsuit bearing the logo of the Downtown Corsairs and throwing plastic mini-footballs to the crowd.

“She’s oodles of fun,” said Go-Go regular Naomi Morningstar. “She’ll change costumes several times throughout the evening. Last night she was Lady Gaga, and at least once during each show she comes out in Corsairs licensed gear, which I assume is a shot at that incestuous crowd that hangs out at The Palm.”

Goodrow, who has been intimately involved in the day-to-day operations of the Goodrow-a-Go-Go since selling the Green to Donald Trump, said he had approved the wearing of apparel with the logo of his chief NFFA rival – an act that typically provokes violence at nightspots associated with other teams in the league. “It’s all in good fun,” said an inebriated Goodrow after Barry’s Tuesday show. “We’re entitled to have fun. We can’t leave all the fun in this league to the criminals and the wannabes.”

Goodrow added that he was strongly considering allowing Barry to drive the Green’s entry in the chariot race at the annual Bacchanal in November.

Barry, who does not generally talk with the media, refused to give his real name “for professional reasons.” But FSN has learned that the performer lives in a nearby condominium that, according to property tax records, is owned by one Bradee Thomas.

While Barry’s regular gig is at the Goodrow-a-Go-Go, he has been spotted during the past week in at least two other NFFA-associated venues. On Monday afternoon, he was chatting with Bubbas coach Jerry Glanville at the Abbottabad Bar at Club Gitmo. The next afternoon, he was seen sipping a Touchdown Taser® with Bakers fan Powers Boothe at the Cherry Bomb Café.

“He really knows the NFFA,” Boothe said. “I asked him if he’d ever played the game, and he smiled and said, ‘I used to be on a powder puff team back home – or were you talking about football?’”

MONEY DROPS BOMBSHELL Big setback for Sharif’s ruling against Corsairs

Commissioner Bill Money (far right) is on the road with the Bernie Sanders campaign.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

In the latest bizarre twist to an increasingly bizarre story, NFFA Commissioner William D. Money claimed he could not recall ever authorizing fellow owner QCurl Sharif to rule on a claim that Money’s East Nashville Black Dogs should be named as rightful champions for the 2014 season.

Last week, Sharif, citing authority he had received from the commissioner, declared that the Downtown Corsairs must forfeit all claim to last year’s league title. His ruling stemmed from a complicated claim filed in May by Black Dogs’ GM Buddy Ryan.

Money, who reportedly spent last week at a spiritual retreat/spa in Arizona, turned up Monday backstage at a Bernie Sanders rally in Dubuque, Iowa. A reporter covering the Sanders campaign for Politico recognized Money, who was wearing Dunhill sunglasses, a grey “Feel the Bern” t-shirt and a “Newport ‘65” baseball cap.

When the reporter asked for a comment about last week’s ruling, Money appeared perplexed and said, “I don’t remember appointing Mr. Sharif to arbitrate anything. In fact, I can’t imagine why I would ever appoint him to do anything that I wanted to get done.”

Money’s statement left a pall of uncertainty around whether Sharif’s ruling should or even could be enforced. “When the whole decision rested on authority given by the league commissioner, and the commissioner then says that authority was never given, then I can’t imagine how the ruling would be allowed to stand,” said Prudence Juris, a professor at Nashville’s Belmont University School of Law. “The league would be open to charges of fraud, collusion and antitrust violations.”

Money stopped short of suggesting that Sharif had knowingly usurped the authority to invalidate the Corsairs’ championship. “Somebody will have to investigate this investigation,” the commissioner said. “First, I’ll have to find someone I can trust. That’s no easy task in this league.

“I trust QCurl, but as we all know it has been a tough year for him, as is every year. I am sure he is doing his best.”

Money’s shocking revelation produced an impromptu celebration at The Palm, the Corsairs’ unofficial headquarters. NashVegas Mayor Karl Dean said that, in the wake of the news, he would reconsider his threat to prevent fans and players from accessing the city’s five NFFA stadiums when league play was to begin in September. “Perhaps,” said Dean, “Bill Money has come to his senses and helped this city avert a moral and economic calamity.”

Mojo D, reached during a team-building exercise at Third Man Records, also refused to assign blame. “I find it completely plausible that Bill Money does not remember authorizing QCurl to take any action on the league’s behalf, and I find it entirely believable that QCurl might have hallucinated the whole thing with the purest of intentions,” said the Corsair owner. “Our calling as an organization is not to be pointers of fingers but seekers of truth.”

Money declined to say whether Sharif’s ruling would be reversed, suggesting that he might consult with the league’s newest owner, Donald Trump, who also is in Iowa this week. “He’s beholden to no one,” Money observed.

Asked about reports of memory loss following head injuries he suffered from an unknown assailant with an iron skillet, Money smiled and said, “I have no recollection of that,” and excused himself as he purchased a skewer of chocolate-covered tofu cubes from a concessionaire.