FSN
In a stunning locker-room meeting Thursday, Asher Lentz addressed the Downtown Corsairs after a film session at The Roofie at Music City Center. The preemie wonder spoke to the players through telepathic means, discovered once the NICU released him from the confines of an incubator. “Now that my thoughts can get out, I have some sh*t to say,” his mind reached out to the players and coaches, who were stunned silent.
“I may just be a tiny baby, but I know a little something about resilience,” Asher’s thought-wave began. The silent locker room burst into spontaneous applause, even thought here was nobody in the room addressing them. Asher has amazed some of his physicians, including one Dr. Woo, who proclaimed “Asher is my crowning achievement.” Although there are those who question Dr. Woo: “Are you crazy? Are you high? Or just an ordinary guy?”, the medical consensus is that Asher is indeed one of those miracles.
Asher’s address continued to a rapt audience: “These players - this team - has the soul, the strength and the drive to bounce back and reach for the ultimate victory. Dare I say they have the moxie to manifest excellence? OK, now it’s nap time, people.”
And it was done.
After the mind-conference was over, Coach Ray-Ray Lewis choked up when asked for a comment: “When a tiny preemie baby can reach out with his mind, that’s something. But when he can inspire and drive these players to even greater success, that is beyond even the greatest coach’s ability. I am humbled by Asher, and even though we dropped a couple of games, this team has the eye of the tiger; they believe that they have business to finish. Asher is bringing some serious Gandhi shit.”
The Corsairs travel across the river to the East Nasty in Week 10 for another showdown between the two powerhouse teams in the NFFA. The Corsairs will be without the NFFA's #1 scoring player, QB Andrew Luck, but owner Mojo D said "the team's motto has always been 'rather be lucky than good any day,' and we're counting on conjuring up some of that mojo for this game." So far, mixed results: in the early game, DB Pacman Jones continued a solid Krankenstein run with 14.9, but RB Jeremy Hill could not sustain his beastly Week 9 and finished with a weak 6.1.
In other news from around the Linardo Division:
Goodrow Mocks Dave the Animal in Drunken Halloween Video
In a video clip released on YouTube, Green owner Dave "Goodrow" Goodridge rants drunkenly on the NFFA generally, but reserved an especially homophobic, profane and existential diatribe for Dave the Animal and the Cambridge Animals.
Donning a wig that mocked the Animals' signature logo hairstyle, Goodrow spewed both vitriol and tequila with fervor generally reserved for his nemesis Corsairs. "DTA and those other Boston f*ggots can suck my crusty meggings - when those rump-rangers come to the prairie, we will bring a f*cking war!"
More from Iowa soon, as the Green's new facility unfolds in a cornfield near Ames...
Smack Daddies MIA in Week 9, Sing "Bye Bye Bye" to W
Inexplicably, the Atlanta Smack Daddies started three players on a bye week, and did not start a PK at all in Week 9. Which worked well for the Black Dogs, who played without red-hot QB Aaron Rodgers - had the Daddies shown up, it is likely they would have at least been competitive - despite losing QB Nick Foles - in a week when the Dogs scored almost 50 below their season average." Daddies' Owner Lex Dominica was unavailable for comment, but Corsairs owner Mojo D and Beelzebubbas' mouthpiece Mos Ded concurred: "Lex hosed us."
Obobber's Manning-Crush Over
Even though his beloved Peyton He Hate Me left Fidalgo Island, it appeared Tirik Obobber's Manning-crush was back -- until the Sea Hogs owner unceremoniously dropped "Peytie's bubba" QB Eli Manning from the team's roster after, after an embarrassing performance in Week 9. With Eli's performance, the Sea Hogs contributed to the second-straight Jorge-division sweep of the Linardo.
