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| Ballers QB Joe Burrow was surprised when Cambridge owner Dave the Animal called to welcome him to the Animals and ask him to appear with the team at NFFA Media Days. |
FSN Sports
“I’m honestly not sure,” said Burrow, who last season led the Ballers to the league championship game and was that team’s presumptive keeper at the QB position. “But Mr. Animal called me yesterday and said he was proud that I was an Animal now and that I should plan on being here with my new team today.
“He also said that since the Animals had developed every great quarterback in the history of this league, this would take my career to a whole new level.”
Burrow’s surprising appearance created confusion among reporters at the event. Several tried to reach Ballers’ owner Mojo D for comment, only to learn from his text and voicemail responses that he was vacationing this week and unavailable.
To longtime league observers, roster surprises among the Animals are nothing new. Team owner Dave the Animal (DTA) typically announces each June that he has completed his team’s draft, two months before the official NFFA draft, but does not disclose his selections. None of the Animals’ “supplemental draft” picks, however, ever have represented the team at Media Days.
“We are proud to have Joe Burrow join our team and compete with the great Tom Brady and Justin Herbert as part of the 3Q system we pioneered,” said DTA. “Nobody has been able to match this innovation, so I guess I should say ‘compete’ is the wrong word to use here. The only drama left, as always, is to see which team will finish behind us in second place.”
“Wait,” interjected CBS Sports’ Groomer Esiason, “I thought it was the 2Q system that the Animals pioneered.”
“We did,” DTA replied. “And now, with the help of our Nancy II supercomputing life partner, the Animals have perfected Q3 in the next phase of our continuous quality improvement initiative. Being able to play three QBs at once, especially when the Bakers and Beelzebubbas are often playing less than one QB, gives us an insurmountable advantage and means we don’t have to tax our coaching staff with placekicker management.
“It also means that we’ll need less reliance on curses to reach our objectives, which could be considered progressive even if it means that some of our long-established league traditions become obsolete.”
At that point, reporter Woody Larry raised his hand and said, “Speaking of curses, the Curse of the Champion not only remained undefeated last year but kept your team entirely out of the playoffs.”
DTA did not flinch. “I will have to rely upon your word as a gentleman and a Vietnam veteran on this,” he replied. “As most of you know, I am traveling linearly through time from the future, so I have not yet experienced the results from the preceding season. All I can tell you is that 2022, like all of the other future years that are as yet unknown to you, is going to end in tears for the seven franchises in this league not named the Animals.”
During his typically rambling session, DTA fielded questions a far-ranging array of topics, from his role in the series finale of “Better Call Saul” to the news that Naomi Judd had changed her will and left her entire estate to him. “I am told we had a brief but passionate romance,” the Animal said of the late country music icon, and I am looking forward to it as I move into my younger years.”
According to a report that aired yesterday on TMZ, the relationship with Judd produced a son, Pinklon, who had never previously been acknowledged by either parent. TMZ also reported that a DNA test of Pinklon Helm — who took the name of his adoptive father, Levon — matched DNA of DTA that is on file at NASA.
“I am pleased today to learn my son’s origin story,” DTA said. “I can tell you that Pinklon the Animal — PTA, we call him — goes on to become the greatest general manager in our franchise’s proud history, surpassing that of even his half-brothers Wilder and Zuma, who we were forced to turn over to the Curse of the Champion in order to keep our remarkable title run going.”
