BUBBAS MAKE BIG MOVES New town, new coach, new digs, new club

Despite being on another team's roster, Christian McCaffrey has been named the new head coach of the West Nashville-New York Football Beelzebubbas.

By Ariel-Mutha Tafoya

FSN Sports

 

In a move that appeared to stun longtime NFFA watchers, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas today announced that the venerable franchise will split its operations, effective immediately, between Nashville and New York City.

 

In a press conference in which no questions were allowed from the press, team president Meta World Death began by telling the assembled media: “Like a shark, we must keep swimming forward.”

 

Then, to audible gasps even from some team employees, who for national security reasons had not been told of the organization’s plans, Death announced that, “Swimming forward, we will be known as the West Nashville-New York Football Beelzebubbas.” The team, he said, would play half its home games in 2024 in Colt 45 Stadium and the others in a new facility in upper Manhattan.

 

The team’s headquarters, MWD made clear, will remain in Nashville. “We will always be West Nashville’s team,” he said. But there is so much demand for what we have here that it made sense to let New Yorkers experience some of what our fans here have always enjoyed.”

 

Flanked by league founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo and Club Gitmo Sportsbook Manager and Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, MWD said the team’s new second home, at W. 155th St. and Frederick Douglass Boulevard, was ready for the annual Tito’s and Thrill Dill Bloody Mary Mix Kickoff Classic, when the Beelzebubbas host the London Bakers in a game that is widely regarded as the official tone-setter for each NFFA season.

 

The site, just across the East River from Yankee Stadium, adjoins the old location of New York’s famous Polo Grounds. In honor of that history, MWD said, and with sponsorship from the Linardo-owned Los Pollos Hermanos casual dining chicken franchise, the new Linardo Park is being dubbed “The Pollo Grounds.”

 

“Yes,’ Death said, “we’re not the first NFFA team to move beyond Nashville. Given the many assassination attempts on him, it made sense for QCurl Sharif, as the league’s moral and spiritual center, to make a clean break. Bur that led us to consider: Since there’s already a team in London, how could the greatest fantasy league in the history of the world not have a presence in New York?”

 

Since 2024 season tickets had already been sold, MWD said, ticket holders will receive full refunds and allowed to attend this year’s games in Nashville free. The team would also provide free transportation and lodging to New York for the “mini-Bacchanal” that now precedes the Kickoff Classic, and the first 40,000 to make reservations would receive tickets for the inaugural game against the Bakers.

 

Meanwhile, Death said, the team would also be opening a second Club Gitmo location to accompany the new presence in New York. Leveraging the Bubbas’ close relationships with First Nations tribes in Tennessee, the club signed an agreement to take over management of the Mohegan Sun Casino and entertainment complex near Uncasville, Connecticut. Under the agreement, the complex would be rebranded as Club Gitmo East and operate under Beelzebubbas’ management, while the Mohegan Tribe would retain a 49% ownership interest and a proportional share of all net profits. 

 

Because the casino is on the Mohegan Reservation—“a key consideration for us,” MWD said—the property is not under the jurisdiction of the U.S. government. 

 

Reporter Woody Larry attempted to shout out a question: “With your new club in central Connecticut, are you starting a turf war with the Cambridge Animals, like Nixon’s invasion of Cambodia?” At that point, the Beelzebubbas’ Fruit of Astarte security escorted Larry out of the room.

 

While journalists were absorbing the impact of this news and Larry’s removal, Death said, “I also have another announcement. Gentlemen?”

 

On cue, Beelzebubbas’ running back Christian McCaffrey and Coach Barry Switzer walked out and stood by the team owner.“Today, we’re announcing that our beloved field general, Coach Switzer, is moving to emeritus status, and we’re welcoming our new head coach, Christian McCaffrey.”

 

Seeing the confused look on reporters’ faces, MWD quickly added: “I remind you that there will be no questions, but I know what you’re thinking. McCaffrey will be playing for the Village Green this year. But that doesn’t mean he cannot also be our coach. He has always been a dual threat. He runs the ball and catches passes. He walks and chews gum. He can serve two teams at once. And this man probably has more integrity than any other player in this league who has not previously been with the Bakers.

 

“Let’s face it: This franchise is known for out-of-the-box thinking. Chris has never played for any other team. The Beelzebubbas are now part of his DNA, and Dr. Linardo regards him like the grandson he never got to have after his own son, Manuel, was tragically executed. So this was a way for Chris to stay part of the organization. He’ll have his own basement penthouse right here, next to Coach Switzer’s residence.

 

“And he has already given his assurance to our friend, Coach Stuart Smalley, that he will give the Green his utmost this season.” 

 

With that, Death left the podium. Briefly taking the microphone, Saddam reminded reporters that the Club Gitmo Sports Book was open for business. “We’re happy to take your bets as usual, gentlemen, and don’t forget you can get odds on the Animals this year now that the Curse of the Champion has indicated he might issue a waiver on DTA. Also, this afternoon only, you can get the Bakers at 80-to-1.

 

And now, as Dr. Linardo says, ‘Adios, biotches!’”

 

Breaking: In other NFFA news, FSN has learned that Jim McMahon is returning to coach his old team, the East Nashville Black Dogs. In a brief phone interview, McMahon, who has been recovering from dementia after treatment at the LinardoClinic, said, “There’s a lot I don’t remember about those championship years. But at this point I’m looking forward, not backward, so when Mr. Money offered me the job, I immediately said, ‘Yes! What job?’

 

“No, no, just kidding! I’m a lot better now, and I’m eager to get back to owning the Sea Hogs and the Alamo Scouts.”

Ballers Doin' Baller Things: Tay-Tay Buys a Piece, Kelce Trade, Another New Logo

New Ballers co-owner Taylor Swift, new Ballers TE Travis Kelce and Baller-in-Chief Mojo D chop it up on Kelce's "New Heights" podcast

By Soren Bernyn
FSPN

In a blockbuster move that has the Nashville Fantasy Football Association (NFFA) buzzing, pop icon Taylor Swift has acquired a "significant" interest in the Ballers, a team that has been a perennial contender in the league. It was a frantic week of negotiations with the Midtown Brown's Joey Vietti and Swift's business machine, and the deal was finalized around midnight(s) Friday, with Mojo D and Swift doing a brief announcement via Kelce's New Heights channels.

For most fans, the news was as surprising as it was exciting, but those in the know understand that this acquisition was years in the making. The connection between Swift and the Ballers’ majority owner, Mojo D, is a story worthy of the songwriter’s own lyrical prowess—a tale woven from the threads of music, business, and football.

The Mojo D-Taylor Swift Connection

To truly understand how this deal came together, one must rewind the clock to the early 2000s. Before Mojo D became a cryptocurrency innovator, he was a fixture on the fringe of the Nashville music scene. Around 2003, he working as a go-fer for Willis Alan Ramsey, the legendary Texas singer-songwriter. Ramsey, best known for his 1972 eponymous album and gigantic Captain & Tenille hit "Muskrat Love", was one of the first artists to recognize the burgeoning talent of a teenage Taylor Swift.

Mojo D, who at the time was just another aspiring musician, often found himself running errands, fetching coffee, and tuning guitars for Ramsey during studio and songwriting sessions. It was in this capacity that he first encountered Swift, a prodigious singer-songwriter whose raw talent was undeniable. Ramsey, known for his discerning ear, took Swift under his wing, providing her with invaluable advice and connections in the industry.

Mojo D and Swift crossed paths frequently during those formative years. Although their interactions were brief—often limited to quick exchanges in the studio or backstage at gigs—a mutual respect developed between the two. Swift, always keen on learning from those around her, absorbed the wisdom of Ramsey and his team, while Mojo D admired Swift’s work ethic and undeniable star power.

As Swift’s career took off, Mojo D pivoted away from the music industry, diving headfirst into the then-nascent world of cryptocurrency. Over the next decade, he amassed a fortune, becoming an influential figure in the crypto space. Despite his newfound wealth, Mojo D never forgot his roots in Nashville, maintaining connections with many in the music industry, including Swift.

The Ballers: You Know All Too Well

Mojo D’s foray into fantasy football was, in many ways, an extension of his love for high-stakes competition. The Ballers quickly became one of the most successful teams in the NFFA, known for their aggressive trades and mercurial draft moves. Under Mojo D’s ownership, the Ballers reached the playoffs in 10 consecutive seasons and earned 3 Dead Linardo trophies in 2012, 2014 and 2022.

However, "last season was embarrassing - the Curse of the NFFA Champion is undefeated, but no team has ever gone first-to-worst in consecutive years," Mojo D said during the pod. "We needed a top-to-bottom housecleaning in the organization, and that started with me. I knew I needed a partner to bring fresh eyes to the team, and if you've been conscious the last 12 months, you've seen the Biggest Pop Star in the World come around to her fandom of this noble and brutal game."

Mojo D re-connected with Swift in person during the Eras Tour in Singapore and Paris, where he talked to Kelce in person and realized "holy shit - this guy is THE Baller. The deal with the Browns took some delicate negotiating, but I have to say, Joey and the Don are a pleasure to do business with - real gentlemen."

The Kelce Trade: You Need to Calm Down

In what some are calling the trade of the season and detractors are calling "Mojo D's fame-whore wet dream," the Ballers sent a package of 2024 draft picks to acquire Travis Kelce, the premier tight end in fantasy football. "Travis' ability to rack up points week after week was exactly what the Ballers need to solidify their offense," according the FSPN reporter and draft specialist Ayiy Semafor.

Swift, for her part, has remained characteristically tight-lipped about her plans for the team, but those close to her say she’s already deeply involved in day-to-day operations. With Kelce anchoring the Ballers’ offense, and Swift’s business acumen guiding the franchise, the team’s future looks brighter than ever. Her only comment during the "New Heights" segment was "I guess I'm in my Ballers Era now," which elicited whoops from Kelce and Mojo D.

A New Era for the Ballers?

As the Ballers head into the 2024 season, the excitement surrounding the team is palpable. Fans are eagerly anticipating what this new era of Swift ownership will bring, both on and off the field. One thing is certain: with Swift at the helm, the Ballers are poised to make a splash in the NFFA for years to come. As the dust settles on this historic deal, one can’t help but wonder if Swift’s involvement might just be the spark that propels the Ballers to a championship victory.