GAMEDAY CREW BACCHANAL BOUND

The GameDay crew enjoy themselves at a rehearsal this morning at Centennial Park (left to right): Terry Bradshaw, James Brown, and Shannon Sharpe. (Out of frame): new crew member Serious George.


GAMEDAY CREW BACCHANAL BOUND
Reluctant Woody remains stuck on billboard

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

For the first time ever, the crew of NFFA TV’s popular GameDay will set up this weekend not at one of the league’s stadiums, but at the annual Bacchanal in Centennial Park.

The two-day festival — officially dedicated, according to the event website, to “love, music and whatever” — coincides each year with the second meeting of two of the NFFA’s founding franchises, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas and the 12th Avenue Bakers. The game is set for West Nashville’s Hell Stadium near the campus of Tennessee State University.

Although the game itself is meaningful for the first time in league history — both teams have clinched playoff spots and are jockeying to be the No. 3 seed, behind the East Nashville Black Dogs — much more attention, as usual, will focus on the Bacchanal, whose confirmed live performers this year include Taylor Swift, the Drive-By Truckers, Wayne Newton, Robert Plant, Allison Krauss, will.i.am, Lewis Had the Weed, Morphine, Dr. Dre, David Bowie, Ringo Starr, Willie Nelson and Jack White.

The GameDay crew includes Terry Bradshaw, Shannon Sharpe, James Brown and a new panelist, Serious George, the famed football oddsmaker who is also a cousin of the late QCurl Sharif confidant Furious George. “It’s the logical choice for us,” said Bradshaw. “There is no place that matches this for excitement on a football weekend. If I survive, it will be something to tell the grandkids about.”

Sharif, whose Grey Goose Stadium has been regularly snubbed as a GameDay location, was less impressed. “To bring this media circus to the Bacchanal is gilding the lily, if you ask me,” Sharif said. “But I’m down.”

One celebrity who apparently won’t be attending the Bacchanal or the game is sportswriter Larry Woody, who remained trapped atop the 12 South billboard where he had vowed to maintain a lonely vigil until the Bakers recorded another losing season. He revised his goal to a “non-losing” season when it became apparent the team could finish no worse than 7-7 this year. Then on Sunday, following the Bakers’ second straight loss, he spray-painted “Mission Accomplished” across the face of Willie Nelson on the board and attempted to descend by ladder. But he was driven back by repeated gunfire from the neighborhood, where Bakers superfan Bill Cheatham has organized a vigilante group he calls “Sheriffs for Sharif” to defend the team and its owner. Police refused to respond to Woody’s 911 calls for help. “I heard a bunch of pops last night,” said 12 South precinct captain Delbert “Vice” Roy. “But knowing the crazy kids around here I’m sure it was just firecrackers.

“One of these days,” he added, “we’re gonna go bust Woody for trespassing, but we’ve got more pressing priorities right now.”

MCMAHON: 'ANIMAL STILL SCARES ME'

East Nashville running back Lendale White exits
Coach Jim McMahon's weekly press conference.

MCMAHON: 'ANIMAL STILL SCARES ME'
Running back Lendale White disrupts press conference

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

At his weekly media circus at fooBar, East Nashville coach Jim McMahon expressed confidence that his Black Dogs would run their record to 13-0 this week at Cambridge, but insisted in his opening remarks, "Dave the Animal still scares me."

"The Black Dogs will be traveling again with members of the Tennessee National Guard, who will be providing security for the team while in Cambridge," McMahon continued. "I realize unlike Fidalgo Island, Cambridge is not known as an unsafe place. But we're talking Dave the Animal here, a meth and crack kingpin whose motto is, 'Be wild, be free.' So, we're taking no chances."

At that point, a questioner in the rear of the club asked the coach why he hadn't started [running back] Lendale White all season. McMahon said, "Who asked that question?" As the members of the media directly in front of the coach turned to see who the questioner was, they and McMahon could see that it was none other than White himself.

"Lendale, what the [expletive]?" the coach said. "Get your fat ass back to the team training facility and I'll see you when I return." White mumbled a response, then left though a side door in the rear used for loading in equipment.

Several reporters shouted, "What was that all about." McMahon tried to wave it off, but Joe Biddle persisted. "C'mon, Mac, why haven't you played Lendale? He's scored 11 touchdowns." he said.

"Well, Bid, if you were any good at your job you would already know the answer to that question," McMahon chided. "Will someone give Joe a copy of the team's year-to-date stats so he can see the Dogs have four running backs with better numbers than Lendale." White has fewer fantasy points than Maurice Jones-Drew, Frank Gore, Ronnie Brown, and teammate Chris Johnson.

"But as circumstances would have it, I was actually considering giving Lendale his first start this week, but after this stunt, I don't know."

McMahon deflected a few more questions about the disgruntled White, then returned to the topic du jour: Dave the Animal. "I'm hoping the Dave's kicker oversleeps again this week. Of course, by now you all have realized the Animals would still be in the playoff hunt if Dave had started an active kicker the last two games. This from the self-proclaimed coaching genius who has yet to score any championship bling.

"But whether he fields a kicker or not, I leave Dave the Animal with this message: Quando omni flunkus, mortati." The coach then moved to the bar for the traditional Morning Glory™ margarita, which signaled the end of the press conference.

MOJO CAUGHT, THEN CLEARED

Fugitive Midtown Mojo owner Mojo D as he appeared after emerging
from the Blair Boulevard spider hole where police found him.


MOJO CAUGHT, THEN CLEARED
Memphis rappers apparently behind Money shooting

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

In a whirlwind series of events Tuesday, fugitive Midtown owner Mojo D was apprehended by Metro police, even as new information from private sources appeared to confirm Mojo’s innocence in the attempted assassination of NFFA commissioner William D. Money.

Mojo, who had been on the lam for the past two weeks, was caught after police received an anonymous tip on his whereabouts. A S.W.A.T. team dispatched to the scene found a scruffy looking, heavily bearded Mojo hiding in what police termed a “spider hole” behind a home on Blair Boulevard. In emerging from his hideout, sources said, he defiantly announced, “I am the president of the Midtown Mojo.”

Shortly after Mojo was booked and fingerprinted downtown, he was released based on what police said was “conclusive evidence” brought forward by NFFA founder Jorge Linardo, who, apparently unbeknownst to the authorities, had been conducting his own investigation into the Money shooting.

FSN has learned that, in the days following the incident in which a man in a Mexican wrestling mask wounded the commissioner outside a trendy, East Nashville nightspot, Linardo’s agents rounded up a number of “potential suspects” and brought them secretly to Club Gitmo for questioning. (Because Club Gitmo, located in “The Nations” area of West Nashville, stands on sovereign Native American tribal land, Metro law enforcement officials have no jurisdiction over the facility.)

During “enhanced interrogation procedures,” three of the potential suspects revealed that the shooting of Money was “facilitated” (though not ordered) by former Mojo team mascot Mojo Jojo. According to tapes of the interrogations viewed by FSN, the suspects said that Jojo reached out to the Memphis rap group Dr. Krunkenstein. He told them that “a tall East Nashville honky” who called himself “Dr. Krankenstein” was using extensive samples from the Memphis’ group’s unreleased debut CD, Muscle and Blow, to build his own career as a local rapper. “Are you gonna let your [expletive] get cracka-jacked like that?” Jojo reportedly asked the group.

Jojo then allegedly told the group members where to find Money on the night of the shooting. He even directed the shooter to wear a Mexican wrestling mask, in hopes that police suspicion would fall on the Midtown Mojo, for whom the masks are part of the team’s trademarked identity. None of the detainees knew which of the three members of Dr. Krunkenstein might have been the trigger man.

Interestingly, however, two other detainees cast doubt on whether Mojo Jojo had been involved at all in the conspiracy. According to them, Money — who dabbles in the music business as a sideline to his work as NFFA commissioner, and who sometimes goes by the moniker of Dr. Krankenstein — arranged for the attempted hit himself as a way to generate “street cred.” These detainees added that merely grazing Money with a bullet to the cheek was all part of the plan.

“It doesn’t matter which version is right,” said Beelzebubbas’ community relations director Anton Chigur. “Mojo D didn’t do it.”

Chigur added that Linardo had dispatched his old friend, Dog the Bounty Hunter, to search for Mojo Jojo. The controversial chimp dropped out of sight last week after failing to appear at the Jojo A Go Go, where he was scheduled to emcee a charity dance marathon to benefit orphaned highland gorillas in Uganda. Chigur also said that Linardo was planning to meet personally with the members of Dr. Krunkenstein, who are set to perform at the fifth annual Bacchanal to the Future this weekend in Centennial Park.

Meanwhile, police are seeking to question Linardo’s godson, Beelzebubbas coach Boyd X. Biggs, in the deaths of Mojo coach Otto Pilot and Furious George, childhood friend of 12th Avenue Bakers coach QCurl Sharif. Though investigators believe Furious committed suicide, the case is not yet closed. Late Sunday, Pilot’s deflated body was found with numerous puncture wounds at the Richland Creek end of the McCabe Golf Course. “It’s interesting that both of these deaths occurred in West Nashville, within easy walking distance of Biggs’ Cherokee Park residence,” said police spokesman Don Aaron.

“Biggs will happily make himself available to the police immediately after hell freezes over,” said Chigur in a prepared statement. “The timing of this shows that it is nothing more than someone’s cheap attempt to distract the 'Bubbas from their huge game with the Bakers this weekend and to drain the joy from the Bacchanalia.” Then, with a slight and somewhat frightening smile, he added, “I am confident justice will prevail.”

MOJO D SURFACES, NAMES NEW COACH

The Midtown Mojo's latest coach, Otto Mattick

MOJO D SURFACES, NAMES NEW COACH
Mojo D tells new coach: 'don't unpack your bags'

By Soren Bernyn, Fantasy Sports News

In the increasingly unhinged world of the Midtown Mojo, naming a new coach is hardly newsworthy. But after a week in which the team scored a league-low 60.5 points, the losing coach's lifeless body was found on a golf course after "death by misadventure" with junkie chanteuse Amy Winehouse, and his own capture and exoneration, Midtown Mojo owner Mojo D held a raucous, expletive-filled confab for reporters at the Planet Mojo "Media Center" at Cabana in Hillsboro Village.

"Well [expletive] me in the neck — what a [expletive] week! I was looking forward to kicking back in [expletive] Vegas for the rest of the season" he started out. "I hire a guy I think can just let 'er roll, he gets spontaneous consciousness, loses the game by titanic [expletive] proportions, then [expletive] Amy Winehouse, who whacks his plastic ass.

"Plus, those dumb-ass Barney Fife detectives said I was hiding out in a spider hole: [expletive] that [expletive]! I was just training for the g.d. Bacchanalia, and passed out somewhere in the neighborhood after three days — I think I'm just about ready." He continued, "I'm [expletive] offended that anyone would consider me a part of a [expletive] botched hit on Money — my people never would have screwed up something as important as that. It would have been up-close and [expletive] personal, and they would not have found a body. No surprise that Money and that simian [expletive] Jojo were in it together: those two [expletive]s deserve each other."

"But I digress..." his voice trailed off as he took a long drink from a gold chalice emblazoned with a diamond-studded "PIMP" — rumor has it that he swiped it from Snoop Dogg's studio at QCurl Sharif's last bender. When he continued, he was in mid-thought: "So after that, I figured a new coach was necessary, and I brought in another nobody who couldn't possibly screw up any worse than we have already — for chrissakes, we're in [expletive] Bakers territory with just two wins; and thank god for the Pompatus, or else we'd be winless — I asked her to come back to the sidelines, and she said 'No, No, No!'" Mojo D threw back his head and laughed silently at his own Amy Winehouse joke.

"So the new guy is..." Mojo D shuffled some Post It notes looking for a name, and continued "Otto Mattick! He's a moderately skilled bus driver who knows nothing about the game, and I told him not to unpack his bags — this is a pretty tenuous position. He said 'No problem, man — as long as I get paid in cash, no worries.' Clearly, a guy after my own heart."

The team has been burning up the waiver wire, dumping players, including stalwart running back Jamal Lewis. The owner said "It broke my heart, but that's just the problem, isn't it? Sentimental bull [expletive] is one of the many internal problems we've wrestled with this season -- it's too late to do anything about it now, but I figure if the Mojo can sweep the [expletive] Sea Hogs (with a win in week 14), we'll win a moral victory over the scourge of the league. The pestilence that trails behind the disgraced, criminally insane [Expletive] Formerly Known as Bob Hitler has infected the L division as a whole and explains our division's irrational suckiness."

As for this week's game with the Atlanta Smack Daddies? "I guess a victory in Week 13 would sweep the Daddies this season, too, but I don't wish Lex Dominica anything worse than the usual. He actually represents our (expletive) division's last chance for respectability, and Lex is a worthy opponent — he can still kiss my white Mojo ass, though."

BAKIN' PLANS FOR THE PLAYOFFS

QCurl Sharif's Bakers finally ended their playoff drought.


BAKIN' PLANS FOR THE PLAYOFFS
12th Avenue clinches first-ever playoff berth in loss

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

Normally, clinching a fourth-straight division title and the number one seed in the playoffs would be enough to make the headlines. But not in the face of a historic first, preserved for eternity by now-suspended 12th Avenue play-by-play announcer Lorenzo "Lo" Kwashius: "The Bakers make the playoffs, the Bakers make the playoffs, Jesus-[expletive]-Christ, the mother-[expletive] 12th Avenue Bakers have made the mother-[expletive] NFFA playoffs.'

Yes, QCurl Sharif and his 12th Avenue franchise ended seven years of disappointment and heartbreak last night, even while being trounced by the undefeated Linardo division champions from East Nashville.

Reached at Bakers headquarters this morning, Sharif said about his team's historic accomplishment: "It brought tears to Mother Sharif's eyes. This is what we play for."

Continuing Sharif said, "Still, we have to bolster the troops for the Bacchanal [game against West Nashville]. This one is huge for us in terms of image — oh yeah, and momentum. We've got to get back some of that early season swagger.

"God bless the Bakers and God bless Amy Winehouse," he added before signing off.

The East Nashville Black Dogs continued their own historic season with their win over the Bakers. The Dogs not only clinched a league-record, fourth-consecutive division crown and the number one playoff seed, they matched their NFFA record for wins in a season (12) from a year ago and ran their record for consecutive regular-season victories to 19.

12th Avenue was not the only franchise to clinch a playoff berth last night. The West Nashville Beelzebubbas clinched their second-straight trip, and need to win one of their final two games to secure the number three seed. Owner-coach Boyd X. Biggs was busy finalizing last-minute details for this week's Bacchanal — he was negotiating with Nicolas Cage, who wanted to enter the planned chariot race as a free-lance competitor — and was not available for comment.

In the L division, the playoff picture became a little more clear with Atlanta's win over Fidalgo Island. The Smack Daddies need one win against either the Alamo Scouts or the Midtown Mojo to clinch the division crown and the number two seed in the playoffs.

BAKER ACOLYTE SUSPECT IN PILOT KILLING

Winehouse as she was led to booking station.

BAKER ACOLYTE SUSPECT IN PILOT KILLING
Winehouse held in golf course slaying

By Faith Popcorn, Bakers PR Director

NASHVILLE—In a shocking overnight development, QCurl Sharif confidant Amy Winehouse was booked by police on suspicion of killing new Midtown Mojo head coach Otto Pilot in what is being described as the result of a bizarre love triangle gone bad.

Pilot’s deflated body was discovered wadded up and thrown into heavy brush aside the fairway of the 13th hole on McCabe Golf Course, located near the team’s headquarters. The body appeared to have been there several hours and was covered with what appeared to be critter excrement. The body is now awaiting autopsy.

In an all-too-familiar situation, 12th Ave. Bakers owner Sharif met with reporters on the steps outside the local precinct. There, Sharif expressed bewilderment at the death and Winehouse’s arrest, but seemed more concerned by the poor play of the Bakers against the record-setting East Nashville Black Dogs. The disheveled Sharif readily admitted to police and reporters that he was aware of a “thing” going on between Winehouse, Pilot and local right-wing talk radio host Phil Valentine. He voiced his support of Winehouse, saying that she was “in the studio with Snoop all night last night,” and had been in no condition to leave, much less commit murder.

It was at this private studio owned by Bakers head coach, Snoop Dogg, in which Winehouse was arrested. As she was loaded into the back of a cruiser in the early morning hours, witnesses saw Snoop Dogg emerge from his working residence clad in a bathrobe and waving what appeared to be a Bakers throwback jersey to give to Winehouse for warmth. He was subdued by officers at the scene and the jersey was placed into a jumbo baggie and taken.

Sharif told reporters that he had been home spending a quiet night of mourning his team’s rout at the hands of the Black Dogs when first notified.

“My housekeeper, Ms. Cherry Parade, is the one who alerted me,” Sharif said. “I had dozed off in my trophy room — the room where I feel closest to Furious George, and the room where I go to find solace. It had offered me but hard purchase this night and after a laudanum and brandy I drifted. Imagine my surprise when Ms. Parade woke me with the news … I had always thought Snoop took these losses as hard as I do, but apparently I am wrong.”

Incidentally, Ms. Parade is carrying the love child of the deceased George, a former Sharif insider and cousin to legendary Baker mascot Mr. TD. Parade also lives at Sharif’s sprawling bungalow retreat in the West End area.

Sharif also told reporters that he had spoken with Winehouse briefly as she awaited interrogation and that she had angrily denied the charge, though she was happy Pilot was now dead.

“Amy shared with me how she felt about Pilot,” Sharif said. “She said she had blown the s.o.b. up herself just recently and had gotten not so much as a thank you. I think she felt the world was better off without the plastic bastard. I have better things to do, but I’m now reaching out to the Mojo and asking that they bring back a flesh and blood coach, even if it’s a dead one.

“I’m much more concerned, though, with my team’s play at the moment. We got no fire, we got no ground game, we got not Krankenstein…we got nothing right now. And, I’ll say this — Amy better get that skinny ass up into the pressbox before kickoff of the Bacchanal or she’ll never see the inside of the new Cherry Bomb.”

When informed by an aide that the commissioner had called to inform the Bakes that they still could clinch a playoff spot even with the loss, he seemed stunned, then elated.

“Good!” he said. “[Expletive] you all in the neck! I got's to get my goose on!”

LINARDO TO WIN NFFA CHAMPIONSHIP???

Nostradamus' book of sports predictions offers a clue to the 2008 NFFA Championship.

LINARDO TO WIN NFFA CHAMPIONSHIP???

By Bill O'Really, FAUX News

Paris, France -- According to experts at the University of Paris (La Sorbonne), famed seer and prognosticator Nostradamus has predicted that the NFFA's 2008 championship game winner will be one of the teams from the Linardo Division.

La Sorbonne scholars released today a new quatrain from Nostradamus' "Le Prophecies de Sporte" which supports their conclusion. Quatrain No. 224 reads as follows:

In the twelfth month of 2008,
In the bowl game considered Superb,
Linardo shall triumph over Jorge,
Jorge having smoked too much herb.

Asked to comment on the new quatrain, Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber said, "Well, 'Jorge' does start with a 'j' . . . ."

The release of this new quatrain has generated tremendous excitement among the fans of the Atlanta Smack Daddies and the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, one of whom will more than likely win the Linardo Division crown and be the only Linardo Division team to make the playoffs. The Daddies and the Hogs face off against each other this weekend in a matchup that should determine which of them gets to the playoffs and, if the prophecy is correct, becomes the 2008 NFFA Champion.

Nostradamus' prediction has sent shock waves through the NFFA establishment which has unmercifully trumpeted ad nauseum the presumed superiority of the Jorge Division over the Linardo Division based on the won-loss records of the respective teams. However, sports experts are beginning to believe that the won-loss records could be misleading, and that they are more a function of the luck of the draw in scheduling than true measures of actual team strengths.

Whether the new quatrain will silence the incessant harping by Jorge aficionados on the perceived dominance of their division remains to be seen, but if the prediction turns out to be true, the popping of the Jorge balloon will rival that of the housing bubble earlier this year.

BLACK DOGS CLINCH PLAYOFF BERTH

Showing his team colors: East Nashville coach Jim McMahon
arrived at his weekly media circus via a purple parachute.


BLACK DOGS CLINCH PLAYOFF BERTH
Within one game of fourth consecutive division crown

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

With their most recent victory over the Midtown Mojo, 11-0 East Nashville ran their NFFA record for consecutive regular-season wins to 18 and clinched no less than a wild-card berth in the championship playoff bracket.

The Black Dogs now need just one win in their final three to clinch their fourth consecutive Linardo division title and the number one seed. Coach Jim McMahon acknowledged his team's accomplishment at his weekly media circus Wednesday.

"Four weeks ago, I noted to all of you that I had read somewhere we needed four wins to clinch no less than the number three seed in the playoffs," said McMahon, who arrived at the press conference via parachute — an act that caused a major traffic jam on Gallatin Ave. "I also noted that I didn't think that would be a problem since our next four games were all against the L division.

"Well, here we stand four weeks and four wins later; so, on behalf of the entire Black Dogs organization, I want to extend my most sincere thanks to all the Ls for the part they played in making this possible."

Picking up steam, the coach continued. "Now, we need just one win to clinch the division and the number one seed — and we intend to get it this weekend when the [12th Avenue] Bakers come to the East Nasty.

"But as big a game as our game with the Bakes is, the biggest game this weekend is between Atlanta and Fidalgo Island. If the Sea Hogs beat the Smack Daddies, it will ensure that the L champ, if you can call it that, will not have a winning record."

With three games to go, the 5-6 Daddies are the only L division team still with a chance at a winning regular-season record, but they will have to sweep their three remaining intradivison games to do it. At 4-7, the Sea Hogs still have their sights on a non-losing record, but would need to win out to get there.

McMahon answered a few questions about this weekend's game with 12th Avenue and mentioned that he personally had never lost to the Bakers, owning a 7-0 record against them. Then he turned his attention to another Jorge division coach, Cambridge's Dave the Animal.

"I noticed that once again, Dave the Animal won the coach of the week award," McMahon began. "That surely is a result of his long friendship with Bill Money because the only way the Animal should have been coach of the week last weekend was if the award was for dumb coach of the week. He loses by six points and didn't even have an active kicker in the lineup. And this from the man who just last week was outlining his path to the playoffs and his secret plan to spoil the Bakers' dream season. Apparently, his special teams coach and kicker didn't get the memo about the secret plan."

Hope Hines asked the alpha Dog what led him to sky dive into the press conference. "To be honest, my old teammate Jeff Fisher and I both lost bets to [Black Dogs GM] Buddy [Ryan]," he explained. "The payoff was we both had to jump out of an airplane. But I wasn't a pussy like Fish. I didn't have a team of paratroopers holding my hands on the way down."

When one reporter asked McMahon if he and Ryan planned to streak down Woodland St. again if the Black Dogs win their second championship, the coach said, "If we go 16-0, we would almost have to do some win-streaking. And of course, all the Black Dogs fans and you members of the media, and I use the term members in the traditional sense, will be invited to join us. Maybe we'll call it the running of the bulls."

Joe Biddle wondered what McMahon thought of the new Midtown coach, Otto Pilot. "I think he'll do at least as well as his predecessor," he replied with a smirk, then added: "But seriously, I had heard they were considering [former Bakers coach] Stumpy Legg."

After suggesting that Biddle should join Larry Woody atop the billboard on 12 south, McMahon signaled an end to the press conference by heading to the bar for the Morning Glory™ margarita awaiting him. He took a sip and said, "Ad victoriam."

MIDTOWN MOJO ANNOUNCE LATEST COACHING CHANGE

Otto Pilot, the fourth and final Mojo coach of the 2008 season

MIDTOWN MOJO ANNOUNCE LATEST COACHING CHANGE

By Soren Bernyn, Fantasy Sports News

Midtown Mojo owner Mojo D has thrown in the towel

In a grainy 18-second video broadcast via cell-phone from Las Vegas on Tuesday, he said he was "disgusted, disillusioned and just plain dissed" and introduced the "Mojo's final coach," Otto Pilot, who first came to notoriety in the 1979 movie "Airplane!" With that, he threw back his head, laughed silently and flipped a switch, inflating the team's new coach.

The video then went black, and there has been no communication from anyone on Planet Mojo since. The new coach had no comment for reporters.

MOJO NO-SHOW

Have you seen Mojo D?


MOJO NO-SHOW
Police fear Midtown owner on the lam?

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

Metro police expected the owner of the Midtown Mojo at police headquarters this morning to be questioned in connection to the shooting of NFFA commissioner William D. Money, but Mojo D never arrived and is nowhere to be found.

Mojo D had agreed to be questioned by police about the shooting, but requested that the questioning be delayed until the completion of his team's game against the East Nashville Black Dogs last night — a loss which left them with the league's worst record. When Mojo D didn't show up for his appointment, Lt. Fred Murphy put in a call to attorney L.S. DeHayes, who is representing the Midtown owner. DeHayes said Mojo D was supposed to meet him at his office at 9 a.m., but was a no-show. Murphy said the attorney has been assisting the police in their efforts to locate the missing owner.

Unable to locate him at his home or at Mojo headquarters, the police issued an all-points bulletin at 12:57 p.m. CDT asking law enforcement agencies across the country to be on the look out for the Mojo owner.

As his team's fortunes have plummeted, Mojo D's behavior has become more and more erratic, rollercoasting between despondency and manic ranting. He has lashed out at a number of high-profile figures in the NFFA, but none more frequently or vehemently than Money. Mojo D was especially outraged over the commissioner's recent suspension of injured-star-quarterback-turned-coach Tom Brady. In a public tirade last week, he described Money's actions as "unAmerican" and called him a "dangerous sociopath." As a result, the police are providing round-the-clock protection to the commissioner at an undisclosed location.

More on this breaking story as it develops.

CO JONES QUESTIONED IN MONEY INVESTIGATION

Mojo security director CO Jones was questioned by police
about the shooting of Commissioner Money. FILE PHOTO


CO JONES QUESTIONED IN MONEY INVESTIGATION
Mojo D also wanted for questioning

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

On the eve of Midtown's contest against the undefeated East Nashville Black Dogs, Mojo security director CO Jones was questioned by Metro police detectives for more than eight hours last night about the shooting of NFFA commissioner William D. Money early yesterday morning.

Jones, who is known for the signature Mexican wrestling mask he wears, supplies the muscle for the Midtown franchise, everything from team security to "enforcement." Money was shot by a man wearing a Mexican wrestling mask.

The AWP has also learned that Lt. Fred Murphy, the lead detective on the case, wants to question Midtown owner Mojo D, as well. Jones and Mojo D are considered persons of interest. Mojo D was unavailable for comment, but attorney L.S. DeHayes, who is representing the team owner, said Mojo D had agreed to appear at police headquarters for questioning immediately following this week's game with the Black Dogs.

BREAKING NEWS: MONEY SHOT

NFFA commissioner William D. Money was the target of
an apparent hit early this morning. AWP FILE PHOTO


BREAKING NEWS: MONEY SHOT
Commissioner wounded in 'botched hit'

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

NFFA commissioner William D. Money was wounded early this morning in what police have termed "a botched hit," the AWP has learned.

According to police reports, Money was leaving The Alley Cat in East Nashville's Five Points area with a friend at approximately 1:45 a.m. today when a large man wearing a Mexican wrestling mask confronted the pair in a parking lot shared by several Five Points nightspots.

The report stated that according to Money's friend, the masked man approached them and asked, "Are you Commissioner Money?" When Money responded affirmatively, the man pulled a pistol from his coat pocket and fired point blank at the commissioner's head. Money fell to the ground and the attacker ran down the alley toward Russell St.

Fortunately for the commissioner, the bullet only grazed his cheek. He was treated at an area hospital and released at 4:07 a.m. The gunman remains at large.

According to the officer in charge of the investigation, Lt. Fred Murphy, Money's friend gave them a detailed description of the masked man and said she thought she had seen him before. Murphy said there are at least two persons of interest.

"While this looks like a planned hit, it was definitely not the work of professionals," Murphy said. "I bet the gunman closed his eyes when he pulled the trigger. Either way, that Commissioner Money is one lucky bastard."

More to come as this breaking story develops.

MCMAHON: 'END TYRANNY OF DUMB COACHING, OWNERSHIP'

Jim McMahon (left) agrees with QCurl Sharif that the L division should be stripped of an automatic playoff berth. AWP FILE PHOTO

MCMAHON: 'END TYRANNY OF DUMB COACHING, OWNERSHIP'

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

At his weekly press conference yesterday, East Nashville coach Jim McMahon took aim at a the L division on various fronts.

Regarding Midtown owner-coach Mojo D's proposal to change the "Krankenstein" rule, McMahon said: "Mojo Dodo said he wanted to end the tyranny of kick returners, but kick returners are not his problem. He needs to worry about ending the tyranny of dumb coaching and ownership. Have you checked his coaching rating? What was really funny was the players he named aren't just kick returners. Josh Wilson is a starting cornerback and Johnnie Lee Higgins is a starting wide receiver. Mojo D-Minus is desperate. Next he'll want the government to bail out his season."

On Fidalgo Island owner Tirik Obobber's proposal to change quarterback scoring: "It's funny that Osobber never had [expletive] to say about 'elite quarterbacks' when he had one. And I'm sure you noticed that he defended his precious Krankenstein rule? As with Mojo Loco, to understand the Sea Hogs' problems, check Oslobber's coaching rating."

When it was pointed out that West Nashville owner-coach Boyd X. Biggs had the worst coaching rating, McMahon said, "Yeah, and his team is 7-3. The Beelzebubbas win in spite of Biggs. My greatest fear down the home stretch is that Biggs will leave the country again. If you'll recall, when he went to Waziristan last year, his team went on a winning streak that took them past the Black Dogs in the playoffs and all the way to the title game."

On a suggestion QCurl Sharif allegedly made to Commissioner William D. Money that there be no automatic playoff berth for the winner of the L division: "I liked that idea when QCurl first mentioned it to Biggs and me a few weeks ago. The lowest-ranked team in our [Jorge] division has the same record and more points than the teams at the top of the L. Hell, Biggs wanted to take it even further and rule that the championship playoff bracket would be a Jorge divisional tournament from this point forward."

Asked if there was truth to the rumor he had pulled the Black Dogs at halftime of last weekend's game against the Alamo Scouts, McMahon said it was true. "I just didn't have the heart to keep beating up on ThurMurr [Scouts owner Thurman Murrman], so I sent a bunch of black labradoodles out for the second half. Meemaw [Murrman] adopted one and named it Lex."

The coach also was asked about another rumor circulating that Money had arranged for Dave the Animal's guest starring appearance on Breaking Bad as a way to distract him from his team because the commissioner feared the Cambridge Animals roster. "I don't know anything about all that, but I did hear they are going to have to do some reshooting during the last three weeks of the season," he said with a big grin.

The coach of the undefeated Dogs was asked about Mojo D's desire to get into Money's head. "All that [expletive] about getting in Money's head was fairly strange, since even if he did get in Bill's head, Bill has nothing to do with running the Black Dogs. Clearly, Mojo is a disturbed individual and should return asap to his Kelvinator. The Mojo played much harder for the Pompatus [of Love]. And frankly, I'm worried for her safety. I heard she hasn't been seen since QCurl's Obama victory bash. I pray she is okay. She is a league treasure." Clearly upset, McMahon abruptly called an end to the press conference on that somber note, even waving away the Morning Glory margarita™ he was offered.

AMID SNIPER FIRE, WOODY MAINTAINS LONELY VIGIL

During his vigil, Larry Woody has had to dodge sniper fire, as evidenced by the bullet holes in the Willie Nelson billboard.


AMID SNIPER FIRE, WOODY MAINTAINS LONELY VIGIL
‘Wait till next year,’ says disheartened sportswriter

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

It looked like Larry Woody might have to spend the next 12 months atop a 12 South billboard, waiting for the Bakers to record a losing season. Now, says the embattled journalist, he will settle for a tie. If the Bakers lose their next four games to finish at 7-7, Woody will declare that a “non-winning” season is enough to bring him down from his lonely perch.


That’s assuming he can get down unscathed. Ever since he took his position three weeks ago, Woody has been the target of occasional sniper fire from the 12 South neighborhood — as holes in the billboard made by high-caliber rounds would seem to attest. “It’s like the Mekong Delta all over again, and I’m on point,” Woody said by cellphone late Monday. “It gets especially bad at night.”

Metro Councilwoman Roz Tefarian poo-poohed Woody’s claims. “Gunfire is pretty common in this neighborhood,” she said. “I don’t see how Woody thinks it’s directed at him. Maybe some stray rounds hit his billboard, but he needs to realize that people fire their guns in the air when they’re happy around here. We call it ‘fun-fire.’ And the Bakers have given everyone reason to be happy this season.”

But Bakers’ super fan Bill Cheatham said that he had been explicitly targeting Woody’s billboard with an elephant gun he owns. “He wanted Nam, so we’re giving him Nam,” said Cheatham, who also admitted to firing an occasional flare above Woody’s billboard, “just to let him know we’re here.”

Woody and Cheatham had a brief rapprochement last week, after Bakers’ owner Q-Curl Sharif inadvertently offended some Baker boosters by referring to them as “common” during an Obama victory party at his toney West End mansion. In protest, Cheatham said he climbed up to Woody’s perch, carrying a case of Grey Goose in one hand as a peace offering. But after each had downed one bottle, along with deviled ham from the 12 South chapter of Friends of Satan, Cheatham came back down and took up his rifle again. “I guess I just needed a reminder of what assholes these media types are,” he said.

OBOBBER REPONDS TO PROPOSED SCORING CHANGE

Meemaw Thurmann practices for a potential visit from Mojo D.

OBOBBER REPONDS TO PROPOSED SCORING CHANGE

By Bill O'Really, FAUX News

Fidalgo Island — Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber responded today to Mojo D's proposal to change the NFFA scoring rules to eliminate points for kick returns. Obobber, who has implemented a strategy this year to primarily use kick returners (KRs) at the player positions of RB, WR, and DB, had this to say:

"Mojo D didn't get beat last weekend by KRs, he got beat by a QB who scored over 60 points, a TE who scored an unheard of 23 points, a LB who scored 20.5 points, and a standard RB (Thomas Jones) who scored an incredible 32 points.

"KRs are not the problem. They merely expand the field of available RB, WR, and DB choices for team owners/coaches. KRs don't necessarily score ridiculous numbers of points any more than standard RBs, WRs, and DBs do. Any coach can use KRs, as there are plenty of them out there, but using them doesn't always work -- just look at my record this year. If the league is interested in changing the scoring rules to create more parity, then eliminating KR yardage is not the answer.

"The answer is to change the scoring for QBs. When you have only a few QBs who are capable of scoring 50 to 60 points a game, which can easily equal the total production of 5 to 10 other players, then you have a true imbalance in the league. I think we should reduce the points that QBs get for TDs (4 points?) and yardage (1 point for every 20 yards?), so that the QB position is not so dominant.

"Mojo D may be blaming KRs as a smokescreen, since he has Tom Brady, the most dominant QB in the league last year, on IR. Perhaps Mojo D needs to pay a visit to Meemaw Thurmann to get him to see things a little differently. I know her skillet opened my mind.

"Again, the problem is not allowing more players to have scoring ability, the problem is allowing one position (the QB) to become too dominant. This is the situation we find ourselves in now. Let's fix it."

ANIMALS ASCEND TO EXCLUSIVE 230 CLUB

230 Club (left to right): Beelzebubbas owner Boyd X. Biggs, Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, Animals owner Dave the Animal.


ANIMALS ASCEND TO EXCLUSIVE 230 CLUB

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

The Cambridge Animals joined exclusive company this past weekend when they put 231.5 points on the scoreboard against the Midtown Mojo. It was the second-highest score in NFFA history.

The West Nashville Beelzebubbas hold the record for the highest score ever, 233.5 points against the Atlanta Smack Daddies last season in week two. The Animals bumped the East Nashville Black Dogs' 231 points against the Alamo Scouts in week 10 of the 2006 season from second to third all-time. No other teams have topped the 230 mark, although the 12th Avenue Bakers came close with a 227-point effort last year in week nine against the Scouts.

Reached on his cell phone this morning, Animals owner Dave the Animal expressed his excitement about his team's offensive explosion. "I'm an offensive genius," he said. "Now that I'm back from my stint as a cable television star, this is how we are going to roll. One of the team's primary motivational tools was to channel the rage we all feeling now that several of the inter-team marriages have been called into question in California.

"As far as the 230-point club is concerned, I consider it the new gold standard for scoring. Let's face it, the 200-point club is hardly exclusive — everyone is in it except Lex and Little Lex," he continued, referring to Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica and his nephew and Scouts owner Thurman Murrman.

"And I read some [expletive] on the news wire about how Mojo D is going to welcome me into the 200-point club. Tell him, I want to welcome him into the 230-point club. Oh, wait, I forgot for a second that he isn't in it."

As Dave the Animal indicated, the Smack Daddies and Scouts are the only teams to have never scored 200 points, although they each have hit 199 once, with Murrman's team doing it two seasons ago against his uncle. The Smack Daddies have been on the losing end of a 200-point game three times, while incredibly, the Scouts have been the victim five times.

According to Beelzebubbas owner-coach Boyd X. Biggs, the Daddies and Scouts failure to score 200 points, as well as the fact they have been the losing team eight of the 11 times 200 or more points have been scored, is due to the curse of Dominica. "The Curse of Dominica," AWP, Nov. 28, 2007

Under the guidance of head coach Jim McMahon, the Black Dogs have topped 200 points five times in the past four seasons. The Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs are the only other franchise with more than one score north of 200, topping the mark twice a year ago during their championship run.

NFFA Top Single Game Scores
1. 233.5 points, West Nashville Beelzebubbas (2007, week 2 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
2. 231.5 points, Cambridge Animals (2008, week 10 vs. Midtown Mojo)
3. 231 points, East Nashville Black Dogs (2006, week 10 vs. Alamo Scouts)
4. 227 points, 12th Avenue Bakers (2007, week 9 vs. Alamo Scouts)
5. 217.5 points, Midtown Mojo, (2007, week 7 vs. Alamo Scouts)
6a. 215 points, East Nashville Black Dogs (2005, week 3 vs. Alamo Scouts)
6b. 215 points, East Nashville Black Dogs (2007, week 6 vs. Cambridge Animals)
8. 214.5 points, Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (2007, week 12 vs. Alamo Scouts)
9. 207 points, East Nashville Black Dogs (2007, week 4 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
10. 205 points, Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (2007, week 7 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
11. 201 points, East Nashville Black Dogs (2005, week 6 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
12a. 199 points, Alamo Scouts (2006, week 6 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
12b. 199 points, Atlanta Smack Daddies (2006, week 15 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
12c. 199 points, Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (2006, week 2 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
15. 197 points, Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (2006, week 6 vs. Franktown Silverbacks)
16a. 195 points, East Nashville Black Dogs (2006, week 6 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
16b. 195 points, West Nashville Beelzebubbas (2008, week 10 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
18. 194.5 points, 12th Avenue Bakers (2008, week 4 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
19. 194 points, Atlanta Smack Daddies (2006, week 8 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
20. 191 points, East Nashville Black Dogs (2006, week 7 vs. West Nashville Beelzebubbas)
21a. 190 points, 12th Avenue Bakers (2005, week 11 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
21b. 190 points, East Nashville Black Dogs (2007, week 1 vs. Alamo Scouts)

MOJO D MOVES FOR KRANKENSTEIN RULE CHANGE

Midtown owner Mojo D wants to
kill the Krankenstein monster.


MOJO D MOVES FOR KRANKENSTEIN RULE CHANGE

By Soren Bernyn, Fantasy Sports News

After a 60-point drubbing at the hands of "those filthy Animals," Midtown Mojo owner Mojo D has called for a rule change that "removes the tyranny of the kick returner."

Wearing a tie-dye shirt emblazoned with "Death to Krankenstein," Mojo D said: "It's ridiculous that burners who play for truly [expletive] teams are making the difference with standard-issue kick returns. Johnnie Lee Higgins? Josh Wilson? These are marquee players? Gimme a break. I'm playing Brandon Middleton just to try to keep up, but it feels dirty — this isn't strategy, it's a loophole. The criminally insane [Tirik Obobber] decoded it and has made it the single tactic he's using — that's part of what it makes it so distasteful to me.

"I'm the first to admit that I missed that in my draft and did not catch up in waivers either — it's just not real football. Run it back over 30 yards and I'm willing to concede a point, but notching 15-20 points per game because your team's getting rolled up on and you're getting mediocre run backs is just not football.

"All that said, I want to grudgingly congratulate my esteemed colleague from Cambridge, Dave the Animal, for his season-high score and welcome him to the NFFA's elite 200 Club. Those of us in the Club eagerly await the reopening of the Cherry Bomb and inviting Dave to join us in QCurl's exclusive 'CC' room for the traditional initiation ceremony. Biggs will provide much entertainment." In an homage to their shared mentor Jorge, Mojo D then threw back his head and laughed silently.

When asked about the Mojo's shifting front office, Mojo D read from a prepared statement. "The Pompatus of Love has returned to her preferred role as team inspiration. CO Jones is still the team enforcer, and rumors that he tossed Visante Shiancoe out of the team plane for his goose-egg performance cannot be proven, but are true. The team and Tom Brady are looking at legal options to deal with the Commissioner's outrageous suspension. The Beelzebubbas have loaned us their consigliere and noted first-amendment expert L.S. DeHayes to explore what's possible. We're paying his fine from the coffee can that says "Commish's Crazy Box," but Money's actions are just unAmerican. I've said along that he's a dangerously unbalanced sociopath and he's just showing his ass now. I think the Mojo is all up in his head since we were the last ones to beat those mangy Dogs. Even though he's mostly untouchable, he's still freaking out about facing the Mojo. Anything to be in Money's head — I'm for it."

BAKERS BURN LOCKER ROOM, STOMP SEA HOGS LOGO

Fidalgo Island firefighters extinguished a fire at Sea Hogs stadium
yesterday that originated in the visitors locker room.


BAKERS BURN LOCKER ROOM,
STOMP SEA HOGS LOGO
‘Time to get fired up,’ Sharif tells team

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

Continuing a pattern of blazes that seem to follow him, QCurl Sharif announced Sunday afternoon that there was no mystery about the latest Bakers-related fire. In an effort to inspire the streaking Bakers, who were poised to run their season record to an unprecedented 7-3, Sharif told his players just before kickoff at Fidalgo Island that “it’s time to get fired up, gentlemen” — then produced a military-issue flamethrower and set the visitors’ locker room ablaze.

As flames shot toward the ceiling and smoke poured out of the room, the Bakers ran up the stadium tunnel and took the field. Many fans in the stands later said they assumed the smoke was simply from a fog machine, admitting that it was curious that a visiting team would have access to such a device. “Then again,” said Sea Hogs ticket manager Fen Wei Park, “it’s the Bakers, and some of us just assumed they had a giant pregame spliff in there.”

Sharif’s dramatic act seems to have the desired effect, as the Bakers blitzed their way to an almost insurmountable 50-point lead on Sunday and never looked back. "That was exactly the idea,” said the tuxedo-clad Sharif in the owners box at Sea Hogs Stadium. “I was thinking of the way Cortez burned his ships after reaching Mexico, and I told our guys, ‘Victory or death!'"

Exuberant Bakers players also took out years of frustration, running en masse to midfield late in the contest and stomping on the Sea Hogs logo. FSN has learned that ostensibly confidential comments made by the Sea Hogs’ criminally insane owner, Tirik Obobber, to Commissioner William D. Money regarding the Bakers had somehow been forwarded to Sharif this week. “QCurl doesn’t even try,” said Obobber in a conversation that was recorded clandestinely.

“You can bet O’Boggle got on our bulletin board,” said Bakers coach Snoop Dogg. Then, pointing to the Sea Hogs logo on the field, he added with a cackle, “We had to put our damn foot down, fa shizzle.”

The all-volunteer Fidalgo Island fire department managed to extinguish the fire, but the locker room was described as a total loss. “Just send me the bill,” said Sharif. “I think our insurance covers this under an act of God.”

MCMAHON: 'THE BITCH IS BACK'

Coach Jim McMahon takes questions at his weekly media circus.


MCMAHON: 'THE BITCH IS BACK'
But Black Dogs coach is worried about 'Meemaw' factor

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

During his weekly media circus at East Nasty hot spot fooBar, East Nashville coach Jim McMahon admitted that at a time when his team is hurting at the quarterback position, he is thankful to be hosting 2-7 Alamo — the team he has previously called his "bitch" and his "McBitch." But despite guaranteeing the Black Dogs would run their all-time record against owner/coach Thurman Murrman and the Scouts to 11-0, he admitted to having "some concern about the 'Meemaw' factor.

"Yeah, the bitch is back, but I don't want to mess with Meemaw Murrman, let me just leave it at that," McMahon said. "And unlike the [12th Avenue] Bakers, we're not going to allow a bunch of ThurMurr's skillet heads to bring their hardware into the Dog House.

"On a different note, I want to remind you all that this week's game promotion is "AK Day."

There were a few queries about the Sea Hogs reunion party he was planning, but the questioning soon turned to QCurl Sharif's victory party for Obama, and specifically, what was going on in the Treehouse. "The first rule about Treehouse is don't talk about Treehouse," McMahon said. "Beyond that, I refer any other questions to the Sharifs: QCurl and Omar."

SHARIF HOSTS RAUCOUS OBAMA BASH

Amy Winehouse was one of Sharif's very special guests at the West End bumpdown.
SHARIF HOSTS RAUCOUS OBAMA BASH
Election victory party still in progress

By Faith Popcorn, Bakers PR Director

In what some guests described as a return to the basics of Afro-Roman orgy science, 12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif hosted a Barack Obama election victory party at his toney West End home that was still going at dawn.

Celebrities and common Baker faithful alike grooved to the live tones being laid down by head coach Snoop Dogg and Sharif acolyte Amy Winehouse. In the works for some time, Sharif had kept plans for the shindig on the downlow afraid that the media would accuse him of creating a distraction for his 6-3 team. Word leaked out after the hard-fought Bakers win over the Midtown Mojo this weekend that the party had been let off the chain and was open to all.

Most NFFA owners and a few coaches were in attendance, and some, including Boyd X. Biggs, were seen posing on an Egyptian barge with the stuffed body of Furious George in a smoking jacket. The scene provided the first glimpse of what had been done with George's body since his death, and ended certain distasteful rumors, while spawning a few new ones.

Some partygoers had no idea who was throwing the victory party. Two unidentified guests were flown by Lifeflight to nearby Vanderbilt Hospital in the wee hours. Details at this time are unknown.

"I was out for a walk with my wife in the neighborhood," said one obviously impaired guest. "And our dog picked up on something and then my wife picked up on some heavy bud being burned somewhere and we just followed her nose. We were given flags and fatties when we arrived and headed straight for the bar. Damn what a night! I'll look for my wife and dog tomorrow."

The guest list read like a Who's Who of old line Nashville Democrats, including a Lincoln-hatted and besotted John Jay Hooker. Some held special tickets for admittance into the "Treehouse" behind Sharif's sprawling home. And there were some fun-loving Republicans in attendance as well.

"I wouldn't miss an official QCurl party for the world," said a jack-booted, leathered-up Marsha Blackburn. "I got pregnant at his cocaine-and-cash bath after the fall of the Berlin Wall and swore then if I ever got the call again, I'd come running."

There were some who wondered openly if this party would take the shine off the scheduled re-opening of the Cherry Bomb Cafe during Thanksgiving weekend when the Bakers play the West Nashville Beelzebubbas in the annual Bacchanal celebration. Sharif put those worries to rest when cornered with the Black Dogs' Jim McMahon outside the door beneath the Treehouse.

"We've been waiting for a year like this for a long time," said a beaming Sharif. "Everything is coming together. I mean the Cherry Bomb is always going to be THE place to party — for someone to think these animals won't be back for more in a couple of weeks is ridiculous. The stars are aligning for the Bakes. Snoop is doing an outstanding job with the team ... I mean we whipped up on an always tough Mojo eleven without our big guns in the lineup and he assures me he feels good about the upcoming Fidalgo Island game. Personally, I'm moving toward a space of ethereal light and want everyone to join me on the journey ... the train leaves now."

With the moon and stars bathing everyone in a soft and muted blue light, Sharif and McMahon excused themselves to attend the Treehouse-production of a live adult-themed show starring his namesake, Omar Sharif, and a Sarah Palin look-alike flown in by "special friends" of the league.

"This is old school," said one awed observer. "We haven't seen this much unbridled passion since the parties thrown by Mr. Linardo and Lillian Gish."

MCMAHON ANNOUNCES SEA HOGS REUNION PARTY

Former Fidalgo Island wide receiver Wes Welker will be one of the guests of honor at a party planned by East Nashville coach Jim McMahon for Sea Hogs players, past and present.


MCMAHON ANNOUNCES SEA HOGS REUNION PARTY

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

Swearing he was dead serious, East Nashville coach Jim McMahon said he plans to hold a reunion party at season's end for all members, past and present, of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs.

Basking in his team's continued success while holding court last night at Club Gitmo, McMahon shared his reunion plans with the members of his party, which included this reporter. When he first brought up the topic, several people thought he had misspoke, that he really meant he planned to have a reunion for Black Dogs players. But the coach was quick to clarify his intentions.

"No, you heard me correctly," he said. "I plan to host a massive thrown down for all current and former Sea Hogs players."

When asked why he would want to do that, McMahon explained. "Originally, I had an idea of throwing a party for the entire league. But [Black Dogs GM] Buddy [Ryan] suggested making it a Sea Hogs reunion party because that would cover about 99 percent of the players anyway. I knew [Tirik] Obobber was making mad moves on the waiver wire, but I didn't realize, until Buddy told me, that more than 200 different players have been on the Sea Hogs roster over the past three seasons. He said watching Obobber's waiver wire activity is like watching the hourly fluctuations on Wall Street.

One of the guests at the coach's table wondered who would be on the invitation list. McMahon pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and ticked off a number of the more high-profile players who might attend. "Well, Obobber's former man crush Wes Welker, who was waived earlier this season. Edgerrin James, one of his franchise players who was discarded last season. Some other names you will recognize include Marion Barber, Marques Colston, Jason Taylor, Josh Cribbs, Rudi Johnson, Ahman Green, Chris Carr, Nick Folk, Barrett Ruud, Kirk Morrison, Derek Anderson, Bobby Engram, Bobby Wade, Justin Tuck, Desmond Clark, DeMeco Ryans, Andre Davis, Kevin Jones, Aaron Kampman, Hines Ward, Justin Fargas, Chester Taylor, Ryan Grant, Deion Branch, Jerious Norwood, Anthony Gonzales, Josh Brown, Jake Delhomme, Eddie Royal, and Sammie Morris, to name a few.

"Of course, every player who has ever donned a Sea Hogs uni will get an invitation. And I've spoken to Jorge [Linardo] about having the party here at the Git. He threw back his head and laughed silently, which took to be a yes."

Regarding a possible invitation to the disgraced Sea Hogs owner, McMahon thought for moment, then said, "Nah, there's too many people who want to kill him — especially Biggs, who gets really irrational whenever Obobber's name comes up. Besides, I'm not sure it would be a good idea to invite someone who is criminally insane."