Tuesday, September 30, 2008

FANS CELEBRATE DOGS' 4-0 START

Matthew McConaughey (inset) joined East Nashville fans as they
took to the streets to celebrate the Black Dogs 4-0 September.


FANS CELEBRATE DOGS' 4-0 START

Team president Buddy Ryan arrested again for streaking

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

Residents of East Nashville took to the streets late Monday night to celebrate a month of perfection — their Black Dogs finished September with an unblemished 4-0 mark after giving the Midtown Mojo and the Pompatus of Love a 28-point spanking in week-four action.

The Black Dogs franchise had never started a season 4-0, but the team has responded enthusiastically to the challenge issued by coach Jim McMahon to top their record-setting 12-2 regular-season mark from a year ago. McMahon has stated privately that he wants the NFFA's first perfect season.

The celebration got started on Commissioner William D. Money's block just off Eastland Avenue in East Nashville's Eastwood neighborhood. Money's neighbors began milling around in the street in front of the commissioner's two-story house following the end of Monday Night Football. People were handing out imported Mexican beers and passing around marijuana cigarettes made from what one resident of the block called "kind bud from the Cumberland Plateau."

Word spread via text messages that there was a block party (and free beer and smoke) off Eastland Avenue. In less than an hour, the night spots in the trendy Five Points area had emptied as their patrons headed to the party. Just before heading there herself, a waitress at the Alley Cat Lounge named Charity said she lost at least $100 in tips because of the "[expletive] Black Dogs."

Some observers estimated that within a half hour, more than a thousand people were milling around in the streets of the Eastwood neighborhood, drinking beer and smoking pot. Recording artist Todd Snider, the unofficial mayor of East Nashville, was chilling with Money and McMahon on the commissioner's front porch, doing shots of tequila.

You might ask how could there be beer and marijuana for more than a thousand people without any advance notice, was it some modern-day "feeding of the multitudes," but that would only demonstrate an unfamiliarity with East Nashville's boho community. In his song "From the Rooftop," Snider noted about his beloved East side: "A lot of us smoke more dope before 9 a.m. than most people do all day."

Snider was not the only celebrity the party attracted. Rock god Jack White and his Raconteurs bandmate Brendan Benson were sighted drinking beer and talking with the also-victorious 12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif and his companion, singer Amy Winehouse. An obviously inebriated Matthew McConaughey showed up around 1 a.m., asking for his "old friend [Black Dogs president] Buddy Ryan," but it was unclear how he had heard about the party or how he got there on such short notice.

The party had been going on for about three hours when the Metro police arrived to shut it down, which had longtime East Nashville residents marveling at their quick response time. But the timing of their arrival could not have been worse for Ryan. Just as two patrol cars pulled up at the end of the commissioner's block, Ryan and McConaughey came running down the street naked. McConaughey outran the police, but Ryan slipped and fell, and was easily apprehended. He was taken to the Metro jail where he was booked on charges of public indecency and then released after attorney Wiley Peyote posted bail.

As he left the jail house, Ryan declined comment, but Peyote said, "Buddy told me some 'damn actor' gave him a drink called 'The Diviner,' which if I am not mistaken is slang for a drink whose main ingredient is Salvia, the most powerful hallucinogen known to man."

This was Ryan's second arrest for public indecency in recent years for streaking. He was arrested in 2005 following the Black Dogs victory in the NFFA championship game. Following that arrest, the team president also claimed to have been "dosed" — on that occasion with LSD.

One other point worth noting about Ryan's arrest: As he lay sprawled, spread-eagled in the front yard of one of Money's neighbors, several observers said they could clearly see that Ryan's "package" was intact.

Monday, September 29, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: SCOUTS IN STRIKING DISTANCE

BREAKING NEWS: SCOUTS IN STRIKING DISTANCE
Alamo Baptists in emergency prayer vigil

By Lenny Lopez, Fantasy News Network

ALAMO, TEXAS — Members of the First Baptist Church of Alamo gathered tonight in a hastily called prayer vigil seeking to rally the hometown Scouts to victory in Cambridge over the Animals.

Sources confirm that the vigil was called by Eudora "Meemaw" Murrman, a longtime member of the church. In an email sent late this afternoon to church members, Murrman wrote: "With Thurman's team now within striking distance of victory, God has called us to bring them the rest of the way to the Promised Land. We need at least 200 faithful prayer warriors to pray for victory and holy annointing on Thur Murr.

"Remember that the Animals stand for everything that God opposes: Drugs, communism, atheism, sodomy, abortion, and Yankees."

As of 7 p.m. CDT, more than 1,200 prayer warriors were praying and singing outside the church. "God bless our boys and God bless Thur Murr," said one woman who identified herself as Sister Tricia Nixon.

FSN will have more details as they develop.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Night of the Nut-Cutting???


Buddy Ryan in happier times; now one of "The Sopranos."


Night of the Nut-Cutting???


By Bill O'Really, FAUX News

Nashvegas -- Americans awoke this morning to devastating news that threatened reproductive freedom everywhere. In what may soon come to be known as the "Night of the Nut-Cutting," several prominent Nashvegans were assaulted and maimed.

Nashvegas police held a press conference at 8 AM CST today to announce that four men associated with the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association were castrated in their homes overnight in what authorities believe was a series of coordinated attacks. The victims, all executives connected to the NFFA, were identified as Boyd X. Biggs, Buddy Ryan, Jim McMahon, and Willie D. Money. Biggs is owner and manager of the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, Ryan is manager and McMahon is coach of the East Nashville Black Dogs, and Money is Commissioner of the NFFA.

The attacks were carried out in the middle of the night by a band of masked men. Currently, no evidence has been found to identify the perpetrators. However, sources close to the investigation speculate that the attacks may somehow be related to the recently reported castration of Triki Bobber, another NFFA team owner. The precise nature of the relationship is not known, and FAUX News has not been able to confirm whether Bobber was actually castrated. Bobber is currently cruising the Pacific Ocean in his yacht "The Fidalgo Clipper."

FAUX News has confirmed through multiple reliable sources, including Nashvegas police, that Biggs, Ryan, McMahon, and Money were in fact castrated. Although Ryan, McMahon, and Money lost only their testicles, the castration of Biggs was total - his testicles, scrotum and penis were amputated leaving him looking like a woman from the waist down.

Police were not able to locate the testicles of Ryan, McMahon, and Money, but Biggs' sexual organs were found in Biggs' home under a set of fingernail clippers suspected as having been used as the cutting tool. Doctors at Vanderbilt Hospital were unsuccessful in their attempt to reattach Biggs' sexual organs, as Biggs' penis and testicles were too small to accept a needle and sutures. Said one of the doctors, "I don't understand why they call him "Big Boy."

Doctors expect the victims to make a rapid recovery. The four men have already formed a singing quartet to help them cope emotionally with their new condition. Because of their high voices, they call themselves "The Sopranos."

Police are continuing to investigate the attacks.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

MONEY RESPONDS TO QUESTIONS OF COACH'S SEXUALITY

Does this man look gay to you? Well, come to think of it ...


MONEY RESPONDS TO QUESTIONS OF COACH'S SEXUALITY


By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

In a statement emailed to major media outlets late this afternoon, NFFA commissioner William D. Money responded to the recent FAUX News report alleging East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon is gay and questioning his job security.

The following is the full text of the commissioner's statement:

"I've spoken to Buddy Ryan, president of the East Nashville franchise, and confirmed that team policy bars discrimination against an employee because of his or her sexual preference. Of course, everyone should know that although I own the team, I have no control over the team. Five years ago, at the insistence of the former owner of the Atlanta Smack Daddies, I placed the team in a trust which since has been managed by Buddy.

"But even though I'm not running the team, I wanted to confirm that the team's policy prohibiting any kind of discrimination was still intact. And as I previously stated, it is.

"When I spoke to Buddy, I asked him if it would matter to him if Jim was gay, and he responded with a string of profanity which I took to mean no. I personally could care less who Jim is sleeping with as long as it isn't me. What matters most to me is that from the time Buddy hired Jim prior to the 2005 season to the present, the Black Dogs have won a championship and have been the highest scoring team in the league. Last season, they set an all-time mark for best regular season record (12-2). This year, the team is off to a 3-0 start. Seriously, who is going to have a problem with that kind of productivity?

"Do I need to remind everyone that this is a league with a history of strange and twisted coaches, including one who was a zombie; so even if Jim is gay, and I'm pretty certain he isn't, but even if he is, so what. He would still be a model citizen in comparison.

"I must add, however, that I totally disapprove of what Meemaw Murrman allegedly did to Triki Bobber. And if I had been Jim, I would have rushed to the nearest hospital to have my stomach pumped as soon as I heard that. But of course, I'm a vegetarian and Jim isn't."

The statement was signed: Commissioner William D. Money.

In a related note, Ryan posted a message on the league smack board today which read: "It is nut-cutting time in the NFFA."

COACH MCMAHON — OUT OF THE CLOSET??? (UPDATE)

FAUX News stands by its story that East Nashville coach Jim McMahon is gay.


COACH MCMAHON — OUT OF THE CLOSET??? (UPDATE)


UPDATE: Ariel Mutha-Tafoya of Fantasy Sports News published a story today claiming the following FAUX News story published yesterday is false. FAUX News denies the allegation and stands by its story. Hence, FAUX News has re-posted its story in its entirety. FAUX News and Bill O'Really hold themselves to the highest standards of fantasy news and journalistic integrity. Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, on the other hand, has failed to follow proper journalistic practices and has violated the high standards of fantasy news and journalistic integrity. She may have fallen victim to the shenanigans of the illegitimate son of Dick Cheney, also known as Boyd X. Biggs, who is known for spreading false and libelous stories. Faux News is investigating and has contacted authorities for possible criminal prosecution.

Yesterday's story reads as follows:

Nashvegas — In a development that has rocked the NFFA and all of professional football, Coach Jim McMahon of the East Nashville Black Dogs has come out of the closet wearing a pantsuit belonging to Sea Hogs president Hillary Clinton.

Finally putting to rest the rumors that have surrounded his sexuality, McMahon announced his gayness on the cover of the prestigious People magazine while holding his new baby boy Bruce who was given birth recently by a surrogate mother artificially inseminated by McMahon.

Questions of McMahon's manhood arose several weeks ago when a photo of the Black Dogs coach strutting the catwalk in a light blue pantsuit appeared in a local gay-pride newspaper. The photo was taken at a fashion show to raise money for AIDS Awareness Week. Said fashion designer Pepe Lepeu who observed the event, "That pantsuit fit him perfectly. I didn't expect his behind to fill out the seat, but apparently all those fruity drinks at the local clubs and his penchant for heavy breakfasts gave him just the right curves."

McMahon's light blue pantsuit was rumored to belong to his friend Hillary Clinton, president of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs. When asked about the photo, Hillary appeared shocked. "When he told me he wanted to get into my pantsuit, I had no idea he wanted to WEAR it. All of his phone calls to me at 3:00 AM weren't booty calls, . . . he was trying to STEAL my wardrobe. I knew I shouldn't have let him pick up my laundry," she said disgustedly.

Whether Coach McMahon's revelation will have any effect on his coaching job with East Nashville remains to be seen. Black Dogs owner William D. Money could not be reached for comment.

McMAHON ADMITS LICKING BOBBER’S BALLS

Meemaw Murrman displays the pruning shears
she used to remove Triki Bobber's testicles.


McMAHON ADMITS LICKING BOBBER’S BALLS
‘Didn’t realize what I was doing,’ Dogs coach says, ‘But it tasted good’

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

Hardly anyone inside the NFFA took it seriously when Triki Bobber, the criminally insane and imprisoned ex-president of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, combined a doctored charity auction photo of Hillary Clinton with the upcoming People magazine cover to suggest that Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon is an out-of-the-closet homosexual. “Bless his heart,” reacted team president Clinton. “I worry whether he’s getting his mad cow medication in prison.”

Nevertheless, the story prompted an unsolicited phone call from FBI Special Agent Clarice Starling, who provided startling new details in the Bobber case. Though Agent Starling claimed to have no knowledge of whether McMahon, who is famously single, is gay, she did drop this bombshell: McMahon has tasted Bobber’s testicles.

Out of consideration for Bobber’s privacy (and privates), Starling originally failed to divulge one of the most intriguing events from Bobber’s savage beating by Meemaw Murrman in Alamo, Texas — a beating prompted by threats from Bobber against several longtime Hispanic customers of Murrman’s restaurant, Fat Bubbadog’s Sunny Side Up.

After knocking Bobber unconscious with a cast-iron skillet, several restaurant patrons dragged Bobber to the kitchen, where Meemaw Murrman removed his testicles with the garden shears she uses on her rosebushes outside. “I just snipped ‘em right off,” Murrman confirmed to this reporter, “just like you’d prune a deadhead.”

Murrman’s fry cook, Baldemar “Chuy” Chicharones, snatched the severed testicles, washed them off, place them in a zip-lock bag and stored them in the freezer. “Huevos el hombre,” explained Chicharones, who speaks no English. “Mucho gusto.”

Chicharones remembered and quickly unthawed the frozen testicles when McMahon came to the Sunny Side Up for breakfast — after spending all of Sunday night next door at Fat Bubbadog’s Gentlemen’s Club — following the Black Dogs victory over the Alamo Scouts. Dipped in a light batter and fried, the “huevos” were served to McMahon with the Southwestern omelet he had ordered. “I noticed he had a happy plate,” Meemaw Murrman said afterward. “There was nothing left on it, and he walked out with a smile.”

Agent Starling noted that Bobber has since been fitted with prosthetic testicles. She also said that Murrman’s act had not affected Bobber’s ability to father children, since he had undergone a court-ordered sterilization as a teenager in Arkansas.

Reached early Thursday morning at Foobar in East Nashville, McMahon expressed surprise that he had consumed Bobber’s testicles. “You know, I remember asking Meemaw about them at the time, and she said they were calf fries — a local delicacy,” McMahon said. “They were kind of like salmon croquettes. Very tasty, too.

“It’s kind of funny,” McMahon added after a sip of his drink. “I heard after we beat them in week one that Bobber said I could lick his balls. Karma’s kind of a bitch, huh?"

When a reporter asked about Bobber’s allegations of homosexuality, McMahon smiled wanly and said, “You know, I’ve been married for many years. Her name is Margarita. And I believe I’ll have another.”

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

POMPATUS OF LOVE WRESTS CONTROL OF MOJO

New Midtown coach Tom Brady with team Pompatus of Love Miss Lee-Yhn at the press conference today announcing his appointment.


POMPATUS OF LOVE WRESTS CONTROL OF MOJO
Promotes Brady to coach, accuses Commish of "callous malfeasance"

By Soren Bernyn, Fantasy Sports News

After "an utterly disastrous" 0-3 start and a league-low point total, the Midtown Mojo announced seismic changes today. The team's Pompatus of Love, Miss Lee-Yhn, has taken over day-to-day control of the Mojo from Mojo D, whom unnamed insiders claim has been sequestered since Sunday in his sensory-deprivation tank deep in the bowels of the Planet Mojo complex.

The Pompatus' first official act was demoting coach CO Jones, whom she blamed for the team's "lousy draft, crap line-up choices and pervasively piss-poor performance." The interim coach is injured hero quarterback Tom Brady, who takes the reins reluctantly, but by his own admission "just couldn't watch that [expletive] anymore. Besides, it is very difficult to say no to Miss Lee-Yhn."

Jones retains what the Pompatus described as "an important role as the team's enforcer." Locker-room sources reported (on condition of anonymity) that Jones' first act in his new role was executing a series of Lucha Libre wrestling moves on no-show defensive lineman DeWayne White (0 points in Week 3), culminating in a sleeper hold that caused the 300-pounder to lose consciousness and spend the night under observation at Vanderbilt hospital.

The Pompatus had harsh words for Commissioner William D. Money, whom she accused of "callous malfeasance, by deliberately misleading an obviously troubled Mojo D to a series of Week 3 bonehead line-up moves," including sitting running back Willis McGahee in favor of Kevin Faulk and acquiring fossilized quarterback Brett Favre.

Miss Lee-Yhn continued: "The Commissioner delights in getting in the heads of opponents — part of that is the game, but taking advantage of such an obviously damaged person is over the top, even for a dangerous sociopath like Money. Oh well — bless his heart, he's just doing the best he can."

The increasingly unhinged Mojo D had also reportedly become obsessed in recent weeks with Money's control of the NFFA website. A Mojo memo was leaked that accused Money of denying iPhone access and using custom graphics on the site that had a "detrimental hallucinatory effect on viewers."

When asked for a response, the commissioner said "Everybody has their own thing. Some people call me a Space Cowboy, others call me the Gangster of Love, Miss Lee-Yhn calls me a sociopath, whatever." Regarding the alleged hallucinatory effects of the custom background on the league site, Money said, "Maybe he should be Mojo LSD now. I sure as hell didn't see any white rabbits."

The Mojo meet the hated Black Dogs this week — the last team that the hapless Mojo defeated (in last year's "Toilet Bowl" consolation game). The Mojo have put a media lock-down in place this week to ensure focus on the game.

COACH MCMAHON — OUT OF THE CLOSET???

Black Dogs Coach Jim McMahon on the cover of
People magazine and in Hillary's pantsuit.


COACH MCMAHON — OUT OF THE CLOSET???


By Bill O'Really, FAUX News

Nashvegas — In a development that has rocked the NFFA and all of professional football, Coach Jim McMahon of the East Nashville Black Dogs has come out of the closet wearing a pantsuit belonging to Sea Hogs president Hillary Clinton.

Finally putting to rest the rumors that have surrounded his sexuality, McMahon announced his gayness on the cover of the prestigious People magazine while holding his new baby boy Bruce who was given birth recently by a surrogate mother artificially inseminated by McMahon.

Questions of McMahon's manhood arose several weeks ago when a photo of the Black Dogs coach strutting the catwalk in a light blue pantsuit appeared in a local gay-pride newspaper. The photo was taken at a fashion show to raise money for AIDS Awareness Week. Said fashion designer Pepe Lepeu who observed the event, "That pantsuit fit him perfectly. I didn't expect his behind to fill out the seat, but apparently all those fruity drinks at the local clubs and his penchant for heavy breakfasts gave him just the right curves."

McMahon's light blue pantsuit was rumored to belong to his friend Hillary Clinton, president of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs. When asked about the photo, Hillary appeared shocked. "When he told me he wanted to get into my pantsuit, I had no idea he wanted to WEAR it. All of his phone calls to me at 3:00 AM weren't booty calls, . . . he was trying to STEAL my wardrobe. I knew I shouldn't have let him pick up my laundry," she said disgustedly.

Whether Coach McMahon's revelation will have any effect on his coaching job with East Nashville remains to be seen. Black Dogs owner William D. Money could not be reached for comment.

Monday, September 22, 2008

MCMAHON MEETS MEEMAW MURRMAN

Jim McMahon poses for a photograph before enjoying a victory
breakfast at Fat Bubba Dog's Sunny Side Up restaurant.


MCMAHON MEETS MEEMAW MURRMAN

After winning a squeaker, opponent's grandmother cooks breakfast for Black Dogs coach

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

When East Nashville coach Jim McMahon arrived at Fat Bubba Dog's Sunny Side Up restaurant in Alamo, Texas, Monday morning, he was there for two reasons: to have a victory breakfast — his Black Dogs had eeked out a single-digit win over the hometown Scouts the night before — and to meet Eudora "Meemaw" Murrman, grandmother of Scouts owner Thurman Murrman.

According to McMahon, he wanted to meet the Murrman matriarch because she had "beat the the unholy piss out of Triki Bobber." And meet her he did. Meemaw Murrman came out of the kitchen to shake hands with the coach. As they shook hands, he gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and called her a "great American."

Then, as was her way, Murrman asked McMahon what he would be having for breakfast. "Well, your Southwestern omelette is famous all the way back in Nashvegas, so let's have one of those, with whatever sides you recommend," he said. "And, oh by the way, I'm buying breakfast for everyone in the house."

As he waited for the breakfast he later called "one of the two or three best I've ever had," the coach of the 3-0 Dogs offered a few comments on the other developments in week three.

"I saw on the waiver wire where Bobber cut his suck buddy Wes Welker. Don't quote me on this, but it sounds like a domestic quarrel."

Getting warmed up, he continued: "I feel bad about the Bakers, but it looks like they're running out of buildings to burn down and team figures to kill in order to get fired up. I fear for Amy Winehouse's safety, and I plan to avoid QCurl for awhile myself."

When asked about the 0-3 start by the Mojo, McMahon responded, "Who? Oh, you mean, Mojo D-feated? Yeah, I noticed the Animals went easy on them, but we're going to show no mercy. I have a feeling, by the end season, he'll be looking back on 0-3 as the glory days."

On the plane back to Nashvegas, McMahon was asked by one of the sportswriters traveling with the team about his unusually quiet demeanor at the Sunny Side Up earlier that day — in other words, why wasn't he his usual, smack-talking self? Especially considering the Black Dogs' 129.5-122 win over the Scouts ran their all-time record against Alamo to 10-0. He said he hadn't wanted to be disrespectful to Meemaw Murrman, but added, "Just because you don't always slap your bitch, doesn't mean she isn't still your bitch."

SHARIF SPONSORS REHAB RODEO

Jackrabbit Slim aboard Palin's Dream on Saturday.


SHARIF SPONSORS REHAB RODEO
Money Raised for New Furious Foundation


By Faith Popcorn, Bakers' PR Director

In what critics this weekend have called a major distraction, 12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif escorted troubled singer Amy Winehouse to his own Furious Foundation's Rehab Rodeo held at the Tennessee State Fairgrounds.

Sharif has pledged millions personally to help those who suffer from substance abuse, a pledge that has grown out of his grief following the death of close friend Furious George last month. Winehouse and Sharif have been linked together before when it was revealed following this year's Grammy Awards that Sharif had created Winehouse's oversized shoes by painting her bare feet black and manipulating "some cardboard I found in her dressing room."

It seems Winehouse had forgotten her shoes before her London Grammy gig.

"I wanted to return the kindness," said Winehouse Saturday night, from the pressbox above the rodeo grounds. "Sharif believes so much in his new calling. The least I could do would be to come here and support him. Plus I can't get these bloody things off my feet."

The rodeo featured over 100 addicted monkeys competing in various events. And an emerging star may have been born as Jackrabbit Slim rode Palin's Dream to victory in six events — including the centerstage Ring of Fire Ben Hur Roundup. It must be noted that three of the contestants in that event were mercifully euthanized — both rider and mounts.

Later, Sharif was seen with an unconscious and partially clothed Winehouse at Club Gitmo where he reportedly was pouring Touchdown Tasers down her throat with the help of a funnel and stomach tube. The two were again seen attending the taut Bakers-Sea Hogs tilt, with Winehouse apparently draped across the back of one of Sharif's unidentified bodyguards. Because of the new friendship, it has been reported, that Sharif will be producing a country version of "Rehab" for Winehouse in an effort to jumpstart her latest comeback.

Some critics in the media — most notably the AWP's Larry Woody — have claimed that this weekend's rodeo proves that Sharif cares very little about the Bakers' fortunes.

"He couldn't be landing farther from the truth," said Sharif from his luxury box. "This team is special. I've said it before. And Amy is a huge Bakers' fan. She's partied at the Cherry Bomb in the past and she loves country music. It's the people she hates."

Friday, September 19, 2008

MCMAHON: FORGET THE ALAMO

Coach Jim McMahon expects his Black Dogs team to
improve to 10-0 against the Scouts this weekend.


MCMAHON: FORGET THE ALAMO

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

In what he later described as "the problem with having Morning Glory magaritas at 10 a.m., " East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon delivered a 10-minute rant at his weekly media circus Wednesday on "the problem" with Alamo Scouts owner/coach Thurman Murrman being NFFA Coach of the Week.

With the team's new theme song, "Mighty, Mighty East Side," blaring through the house P.A., McMahon held court at FooBar Too in East Nashville and began the press event with a professorial tone. "This Coach of the Week [expletive] is based solely on whether you started your optimal lineup," he explained. "But even if the Scouts had scored as many points as possible, the only people Thur Murr would have beaten last weekend were his Uncle Lex and Mojo D-minus, who I understand is on suicide watch.

"So, forget the Alamo — QCurl should be Coach of the Week," he said. "The Bakers had never had a winning record for even one week prior to last week and now they've had one for two weeks and are guaranteed to have one for at least one more week. And besides, Q beat Mojo D, and Jorge [Linardo] recently told me Mojo D was like the son he never had, and he was glad he never had that son.

"But back to Thur Murr, while we might put 200 points on his ass for the third time this weekend, I do want to pay my respects to his grandmother, Meemaw Murrman. I became a big fan of hers after reading about the whipping she put on Punky Brewster, I mean Triki Bobber, when he was posing as 'Bob America.' Yeah, right. Bobber is as American as Hitler, which, of course, was another of his aliases. In case you hadn't heard, Meemaw Murrman beat Bobber within an inch of his life.

"So, after Thur Murr assumes the bohica position for us again, I'm looking forward to meeting Meemaw Murrman and having a victory breakfast at the Sunny Side Up featuring one of her famous southwestern omelettes."

When asked by Joe Biddle if he thought the Black Dogs would run their undefeated streak to 10 games against the Scouts, McMahon, became animated and said loudly, "What, did you just get here? Do I think we're going to beat the Scouts? Do I think you're a dickless, Gannett fossil? Do I think the sun will come up tomorrow? Do I think [Black Dogs GM] Buddy [Ryan] kicked your ass and threw you in a dumpster a few years ago? Do I think Buddy [expletive] in the woods. Do I think Mojo D is the new Bobber? Do I think the Midtown Mojo are the new Bakers? Do I think Bill Money is Jorge's original 'boy'? Do I think Jorge is really in charge and always has been? Do I think the Beelzebubbas and Black Dogs will be mere vehicles of the Curse of Dominica this weekend? Do I think Lex is trying to out-Bobber Bobber? Do I think Dave the Animal is not only a poet and knows it, but also is a quarterback genius? Do I think everything except our awareness has already happened? Do I think QCurl should be Coach of the Week? Do I think Larry Woody better watch his back on Avenue Q? Do I miss the Cherry Bomb? Am I worried about the end of the Mayan Long Count in 2012? Do I think I am wasted at whatever time in the morning it is?"

As McMahon paused to take another large sip from his Morning Glory Margarita, Biddle tried to say that he hadn't asked about all "that," but McMahon quickly regained control of the press conference, stating that "the answer to all that previous [expletive] is 'hell, yes.'"

After announcing a few lineup changes he planned for this weekend, McMahon ended the press conference on a somber note" "I just want to say my heart goes out to the Mojo's Pompatus of Love, Miss Lee Yhn. None of us can imagine the burden she bears as the primary caregiver for Mojo D. I say NoMo D. They should just let her call the shots. Speaking of which, who's supposed to be bringing me another damn magarita."

Thursday, September 18, 2008

BAKERS BLAMED FOR WALL STREET CRASH

Police suspect the fire that destroyed Mario's in Midtown was the work of either vengeful Bakers fans or Mojo fans who regarded Mario as a traitor.


BAKERS BLAMED FOR WALL STREET CRASH
Sign of the Apocalypse, Says ‘Newest, Biggest Fan’ Robertson

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

Word of a second straight victory by the 12th Avenue Bakers to open the season hit U.S. financial markets like a ton of bricks Tuesday, leading to a 500-point plunge and the failure of the venerable Wall Street firm Lehman Brothers. Meanwhile, to avert a global financial meltdown, the federal government announced an $85 billion bailout of AIG, the world’s largest insurance company.

As the mood of shock and gloom covered lower Manhattan like the dust cloud of 9/11, police and fire crews were called out to rescue at least five hedge fund managers from high window ledges. On the streets, many well-dressed executives could be heard muttering, “[Expletive] Q-Curl.”

How could two victories by an NFFA team create such uproar?

“You have to understand, this is a team whose first-half record for the past three seasons was 1-20,” said Fed chairman Ben Bernanke in a hastily called press conference. “We’ve built a lot of safeguards into the financial system, but no one saw this thing coming.”

In addition, say some analysts, it appears that Lehman and perhaps other banks had created murky investment funds based on legal sports gambling. These so-called “Q-funds,” in turn, were heavily loaded with bets against the Bakers.

In the past three years, the Q-funds, whose performance soared as the Bakers’ on-field fortunes tumbled, delivered average annual returns of 800 percent. “A lot of us thought betting against the Bakers was safer than T-Bills,” said one despondent Q-fund manager. “I guess what happens in Vegas should have stayed in Vegas.”

The Bakers’ resurgence is also having a profound effect in the religious community. Rev. Pat Robertson, who once called for the assassination of Q-Curl Sharif (who was known as GQ Denney at the time), now describes himself as the Bakers’ “newest, biggest fan.”

A smiling Robertson said on his 700 Club show yesterday, “It has been revealed to me through study of Holy Scripture, that the 12th Avenue Bakers will be God’s instrument to bring about the blessed apocalypse of judgment and destruction. Remember that 12 is a holy number in the final book of Revelation, and recall in the first book of Genesis the story of Pharaoh’s baker, who was beheaded according to the interpretation of his dream by Joseph. God has commanded us to cheer on the Bakers this season.

“Also, it has been revealed that for the End Times to come, it is not the Temple in Jerusalem that must be rebuilt but the Cherry Bomb Café. If you will send your love offerings to me, I will forward them to Q-Curl Sharif for the rebuilding of the Cherry Bomb.”

The Bakers’ ticket office also confirmed late yesterday that Robertson had purchased a luxury suite at Grey Goose Stadium.

The news set off chaos on 12th Avenue. On Tuesday, after reports of boisterous Bakers fans torching what superfan Bill Cheatham called “yuppie mobiles” in Midtown, Mojo fans set fire to the unsanctioned frame for a new Cherry Bomb that Bakers fans had built overnight after the team’s first victory.

In response, Bakers’ fans allegedly burned Mario’s Ristorante, a well-known, upscale Midtown establishment which closed about six months ago. Cheatham, however, claimed that the arson was actually the work of vindictive Mojo fans, who Cheatham says discovered that restaurant proprietor Mario Ferrari was actually a Baker fan.

“I don’t know what’s gonna happen next,” said an obviously stressed Metro police chief Ronal Serpas. “This is obviously uncharted territory. I’ll say this: If this ain’t the End Times, I’d hate to see what the real ones look like.”

Serpas turned away from the TV cameras at that point, but could be heard muttering as he left, “We never shoulda let the Bakers and Mojo bring in those damn monkeys.”

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: MOJO D MISSING ... AGAIN!

Mojo D in happier times.


BREAKING NEWS: MOJO D MISSING ... AGAIN!
Frantic Pompatus of Love calls Commissioner Money

By R. E. Porter, Associated Web Press

Midtown Mojo's Pompatus of Love, Miss Lee-Yhn, placed a frantic call to NFFA commissioner William D. Money late this afternoon, asking for his help in locating a despondent — and possibly suicidal — Mojo D, the AWP has learned.

According to a source within the commissioner's office, Miss Lee-Yhn told Money that Mojo D had left the house around 3 p.m. with a loaded 44 Magnum. She was most disturbed by the fact that he had left his iPhone behind, something he never does. "It was as if he knew he wasn't coming back," she allegedly told the commissioner. According to Nashvegas police officials, a citywide search for Mojo D is underway.

The source, who wished to remain anonymous to avoid being fired, said the Mojo's Pompatus of Love told Money that Mojo D was in a nasty mood and had not had any sleep since Saturday night. She said he had been drinking heavily and popping Black Beauties to stay awake. When his team failed to rally against the 12th Avenue Bakers Monday night and fell to 0-2, Mojo D allegedly lost it and began yelling at his computer over and over again, "I cannot believe we just lost to the mother-[expletive] Bakers." This went on for 15 or 20 minutes until he broke down, lay on the floor in the fetal position, and began sobbing loudly, occasionally muttering, "QCurl."

Monday, September 15, 2008

THE BOBBER FILES, PART III

"Bob America" was viciously beaten at Fat Bubba Dog's Sunny Side Up. The diner sits across the parking lot from Fat Bubba Dog's Gentlemen's Club, where Thurman Murrman maintains an office.


THE BOBBER FILES, PART III

‘La Migra’ vigilante finds self at wrong end of Meemaw Murrman’s iron skillet

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

Under “enhanced interrogation” by federal authorities, suspended Sea Hogs owner Triki Bobber continued to spill his strange story last week.

Through exclusive interviews with FBI special agents Clarice Starling and Fux Mildew, this reporter learned that, after fleeing the polygamist compound in Colorado City, Ariz., Bobber ventured briefly to the Fundamentalist Mormons’ sister complex in Eldorado, Texas. Then, sensing that it might be too dangerous for him to remain there as federal authorities stepped up their search, the polygamist leader known as Bobham Young disappeared again.

As the FBI later confirmed, Bobber resurfaced near Alamo, Texas, along the Mexican border. There, as “Bob America,” he became a leader in an armed vigilante group that patrolled the border searching for illegal aliens and drug smugglers.

Over a period of several months, Bobber worked and lived with this group — until the morning he walked inside Fat Bubba Dog’s Sunny Side Up, a popular diner open only for breakfast and lunch. Unbeknownst to Bobber, the restaurant — which sits across a parking lot from Fat Bubba Dog’s Gentlemen’s Club — is operated by Eudora “Meemaw” Murrman, grandmother of Alamo Scouts owner Thurman Murrman.

On the fateful morning in question, three Hispanic men that Meemaw Murrman later described as longtime customers were eating breakfast when Bobber and several other “Minutemen” walked into Fat Bubba Dog’s and began verbally harassing them.

At that point, according to one witness who spoke with the FBI, Murrman told the Minutemen to “put a lid on it before I have to get Western with you.” When Bobber continued to taunt the Hispanic men with threats of deportation, Murrman emerged from the kitchen with a cast-iron skillet and began savagely beating Bobber over the head with it while other restaurant patrons restrained his companions. “I wouldn’t even beat my rug that hard,” said the witness. “She kept hollering, ‘Deport THIS, you puto!”

Even after Bobber was knocked unconscious, the witnesses said, Murrman continued to beat him about the head until other customers calmed her down and allowed the other cowered Minuteman to carry him out of the restaurant. “Come here again and you’ll wind up as a grease fire in the parking lot!” Murrman shouted after him.

The Minutemen took Bobber to a hospital in McAllen, where he spent nearly a week recuperating from his wounds. After his release, Bobber left the area, heading back to the Pacific Northwest, where he assumed the identity of a left-wing ecoterrorist.

In an exclusive interview this week with FSN, Murrman said she did not realize that the man she beat was actually Triki Bobber. “I could just spit,” Ms. Murrman said. “I knew I should’ve shot the little pissant when I had the chance.”

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

CLINTON ‘CHRISTENS’ JOJO A GO GO

Live presidents: Former president Bill Clinton (top) poses on the red carpet with pop star Sheryl Crow at the grand opening of the Jojo A Go Go. Current president George Bush (bottom) makes a congratulatory phone call to 12th Avenue Bakers owner Q. Diddy.


CLINTON ‘CHRISTENS’ JOJO A GO GO

Ex-president in shocking tryst with Money sisters; ecstatic mob attempts to rebuild Cherry Bomb; Bush phones Diddy; cops search for despondent Mojo D

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

In one of the wildest non-Bacchanal weekends in NFFA history, Bill Clinton attended the grand opening of the Jojo A Go Go and had to be escorted to a private room after Commissioner William D. Money’s daughters attempted to perform a sex act in public upon the ex-president.

Clinton, who attended the opening at the invitation of Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, was visibly drunk even before club manager Mojo Jojo declared that all drinks were on the house in celebration of the apparent defeat of the Midtown Mojo at the hands of the West Nashville Beelzebubbas. At one point, Clinton had himself hoisted in a rope harness to join one of the scantily clad dancers whose cage was suspended from the ceiling. Shortly thereafter, Secret Service agents had to lower the cage and remove Clinton, who announced that he was “going to do my Alge Crumpler impersonation” and then attempted to expose himself.

As guards were escorting the former president to a private room, twin sisters Mo and Cash Money rushed up and began performing what Jojo later described as a “Mardi Gras sex act” on Clinton. Jojo later explained to the media that the act was “a ritual tribute to the gods Baal and Astarte and perfectly appropriate for our club’s status as a Unitarian Universalist church.”

Clinton was later overheard telling his Secret Service detail that “the monkey put LSD in my Jagermeister.”

Sheryl Crow, Jack White, Harold Ford Jr., Jemina Pearl, Todd Snider, Jessica Simpson, and Javon Kearse were among the other VIPs who attended the opening. Paparazzi photographed Beelzebubbas execs Boyd X. Biggs and Jorge Linardo entering the club a little before midnight via a side door and leaving less than ten minutes later with a leather brief case.

A few blocks away, as it appeared that the 12th Avenue Bakers were going to defeat the Alamo Scouts in their season opener, spontaneous demonstrations broke out in the 12 South neighborhood. Muslims began an impromptu parade, holding posters of Bakers quarterback Drew Brees and shouting “Allahu Akbar.” Others burned an effigy of sportswriter Larry Woody, who had noted in his game day story that 0-6 represented the Bakers’ best start during the past three seasons.

Most notable of all, a crowd assembled on the site of the burned-out Cherry Bomb Café and began building a structure on their own, using lumber and other construction materials that began arriving throughout Sunday night. By mid-morning on Monday, a wooden frame had been erected for a two-story structure in what one of the hundreds of participants described as a “Habitat for Inhumanity project.”

“The Cherry Bomb is a symbol of all that is great about 12 South,” said neighborhood activist Roz Tefarian. “We want to send a sign to Mr. [Q.] Diddy that we love him, and not to relocate the team to Woodbine or Bells Bend. This was just a spontaneous outpouring of love.”

Bill Cheatham, self-proclaimed No. 1 Bakers’ fan, was directing the construction efforts. “This may be the greatest mobilization since Paris taxicabs transported the French army to the Battle of the Marne,” he announced. “And [expletive] Larry Woody and Joe Biddle, too; even though you could say they financed this project.”

Local sportswriters Woody and Biddle both predicted the Bakers to lose badly in Week One — so badly, in fact, that oddsmakers revised the betting line to make the Alamo Scouts 150-point favorites in their game. The huge spread, in turn, prompted thousands of Bakers fans to wager heavily on their team. “We know a sucker bet when we see one,” Cheatham said.

At Cheatham’s urging, many fans also “tithed” by contributing one-tenth of their winnings to buy building materials for the Cherry Bomb.

The Bakers’ stunning win left the team in terra incognita. On Monday evening, President George W. Bush placed a congratulatory phone call to Diddy — now calling himself QCurl Sharif — who was in a meeting with Indian ambassador I.B. Vindaloo. “Tell him the sod will be there in the morning, and good game!” Diddy shouted to Bakers PR Maven Faith Popcorn who had answered the after-hours call — apparently believing, as Popcorn later explained, that the call was from Scouts running back Reggie Bush.

Undaunted by his erroneous prediction, Woody wrote in his Tuesday column that “the Bakers now will have to lose eight of their remaining 13 games to salvage another losing season.”

Elsewhere, police spent Sunday afternoon searching for Mojo owner Mojo D, who left the owners box midway through the first quarter of his team’s loss, appearing distraught. Friends became concerned because Mojo seemed inconsolable, holding his head in his hands and then departing without his cell phone. After a search of several hours, Mojo’s cousin, Tenacious D, saw a report on TV of the disappearance and called police to inform them that Mojo was at his house, playing a Madden 2007 video game. “He’s a new owner and emotionally fragile,” said Tenacious D. “He’s not used to hearing the boo birds.”

Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs owner Triki Bobber also had a difficult weekend, according to leaked information from the remote federal detention facility where he is being held. Sources said that, as part of their “enhanced interrogation” procedures, CIA agents were forcing Bobber to watch an endless video loop of his team’s crushing loss to the rival East Nashville Black Dogs — while music by the Plastic Ono Band blared from loudspeakers. The music, said one agent, was turned down only once, on Sunday night, so that Bobber could hear halftime commentator Keith Olbermann suggest that the team be rechristened the “Sea Cucumbers.”

BAKER NATION ENERGIZED; DIDDY CHANGES NAME

QCurl Sharif before Sunday's clash with the Scouts.


BAKER NATION ENERGIZED; DIDDY CHANGES NAME
Sharif Emphasizes Spiritual Progression and Playoffs


By Faith Popcorn, Bakers PR Director

NASHVILLE — According to QCurl Sharif, change is the inevitable result of the breath of God. And Sharif, the former Q Diddy and owner of the NFFA's 12th Avenue Bakers, hopes his team will be able to ride that breath of God to the 2008 playoffs.

"I was overcome a couple of weeks ago with grief, of course, over the death of my good friend — and friend of the Baker Nation — Furious George," said Sharif from his new penthouse perch above the Cumberland River at The Encore in downtown Nashville. "But I remembered one of the last conversations Furious had in which told me a change was coming ... big change. He touched on Obama and the election, our economy, and he told me a change was coming for the Bakers.

"I laughed initially, having just driven with him down the fabled Boulevard of Losers (12th Avenue), but after his death I realized he was right. He told me to take Rob Bironas as early as possible in the draft and all things would fall into place. And, as we saw this past weekend, it was Bironas who won the game for us against the Scouts. His words give me great comfort. I changed my name legally last week to signify my commitment, and I've renounced my addiction to raising the dead. Furious will rest in peace — and the Bakers will go to the playoffs."

While the winds of change may be blowing on 12th Avenue, Sharif acknowledged he faces some distracting legal challenges. There is some question surrounding the paternity of one Cherry Parade's unborn child, and Sharif is facing some zoning hurdles in the reconstruction of his legendary club. While these things alone might be enough to dampen the enthusiasm for the Bakers' season, Sharif is practically glowing with positivity.

"I think Snoop has done a great job since he's been re-instated," said Sharif. "I mean I know our running backs suck and Alge and Pac didn't even show up, but there's a feeling around this club that is rubbing off on people. And I guess I should take a moment to let everyone know that we are trying to negotiate a scenario with the league that would allow us to become the first team to play these games only in our minds. I feel certain we'd go undefeated and possibly create a whole new way of playing — a fantasy football league!"

Monday, September 8, 2008

SEA HOGS FANS MAULED IN DOG ATTACK

A horrified Fidalgo Island fan (top photo) is chased down an aisle of the stadium in East Nashville by a vicious black pit bull. Another Sea Hogs fan (bottom photo), who tried to escape via the stadium concourse, was caught and bitten repeatedly by a black husky. NFFA commissioner William D. Money owns three black huskies and a black pit bull.


SEA HOGS FANS MAULED IN DOG ATTACK


By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

East Nashville's opening weekend victory against their bitter rivals from Fidalgo Island was unexpectedly overshadowed when visiting Sea Hogs fans were mauled by black dogs running wild at halftime of the game.

The dog attacks were the result of an opening-day promotion gone bad, according to a team statement. East Nashville is famous for the number of black dogs which live there, and that was a huge factor in the Black Dogs franchise's decision to move there three years ago. To show their East Nashville spirit, fans were asked to bring their black dogs to the stadium for the opening game.

At halftime, those who brought their dogs to the game gathered on the field for El Ejecutarse de los Perros Negros or "The Running of the Black Dogs." Metro Nashvegas police officials estimated there were at least 500 black dogs on the field when the public address announcer gave the signal for the owners to drop their leashes.

No longer restrained by their owners, the excited dogs began to run wild — crisscrossing the field, chasing each other, and literally marking the turf. But approximately 40 to 50 dogs ascended into the stands in the Fidalgo Island section and attacked the fans. All 100 of the Sea Hogs faithful in attendance suffered bite wounds in the incident.

A Sea Hogs fan who identified herself as Pussy Little described the terrifying ordeal: "It was like they came right for us, as if they were trained to attack."

Charles L. Ules, a fan who had traveled with his family from Fidalgo Island to Nashvegas for the game, was bitten repeatedly on the neck by one of the attacking dogs. "The dog was going for the jugular," Ules said. "The ER doctor said the beast came within an eighth of an inch of hitting an artery that would have caused me to bleed to death within minutes."

Television cameras captured NFFA commissioner William D. Money in his luxury suite laughing as the mauling took place. Asked afterwards why he was laughing, Money said he hadn't realized what was transpiring in the stands and that he had been laughing at something funny someone in the suite had said. When asked what that was, Money said he couldn't recall.

After the incident, ESPN and NFFA Network repeatedly broadcast split-screen footage showing Money laughing while Sea Hogs fans were being mauled. By this morning, the blogosphere was abuzz with speculation the Black Dogs' opening-day promotion was a cover-up for a planned assault on Sea Hogs fans by an elite team of black attack dogs led by the commissioner's own pack of four black dogs.

Following the game, Black Dogs president Buddy Ryan issued the following statement: "We offer our sincere apologies to the Fidalgo Island fans who were injured today and we will be covering all their medical costs. Thankfully, no one was killed. We are cooperating fully with the local authorities who are investigating the incident. In all honesty, it was simply a fan promotion gone bad."

Thursday, September 4, 2008

THE BOBBER FILES

Bobham Young's teenage "spiritual" brides react to the news that their
husband was actually the criminally insane fugitive Triki Bobber.


THE BOBBER FILES
Criminally insane fugitive owner poses as Mormon polygamist

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

At a remote federal detention facility where Triki Bobber is being held, the story of the re-suspended Sea Hogs owner continues to grow longer and stranger.

In an exclusive interview supervised by FBI special agents Clarice Starling and Fux Mildew, this reporter learned that, prior to his brief career as the radical ecoterrorist known as Bob Appleseed, the fugitive owner also had posed as the heir to Brigham Young in order to hide from federal authorities in Mormon polygamist communities.

Sources in Colorado City, Ariz. — a notorious polygamist community patrolled by armed guards in black SUVs — confirmed that Bobber, whom they identified through photos, lived there for several months. “He said his name was Bobham Young and that he was the great-great-great grandson of Brigham Young,” said Jefson Jeffs, a local rancher.

Other locals said that the imprisonment of the Mormon sect’s patriarch, Warren Jeffs, left a leadership void that Bobber attempted to fill. “Since he was descended from the Elder, he started telling everyone what to do in God’s name,” said Jemmaline Jeffs. According to Ms. Jeffs, Bobham Young awarded himself six teenage “spiritual wives.”

Agent Mildew said that he had been conducting a larger investigation into the polygamist community when the activities of “Bobham Young” came to his attention. He became suspicious immediately that “Young” was an impostor and gradually became convinced that the polygamist leader was actually Triki Bobber. Unfortunately, he said, he was unable to persuade his superiors to allow him to arrest “Bobham Young,” who was perhaps tipped off to the investigation and disappeared from Colorado City. Then the trail grew cold again.

After the fugitive’s departure, Mildew obtained a search warrant and obtained DNA samples from a comb left behind in Bobham Young’s primary residence in Colorado City. Mildew said that the DNA “did not appear to be of human origin.” Mildew also said that the children born to four of Young’s spiritual wives in the months after his departure could not have been Bobber’s. “First,” said Mildew, “the DNA didn’t match. Second, we found old records showing that Bobber had been forcibly sterilized under a court order when he was a juvenile in Arkansas.”

Breaking News: Bobber’s attorney, Fen Wei Park, alleges that her client has been subjected to torture and other inhumane treatment during his imprisonment. She said she would soon produce shocking photos and would file suit in federal court.

Next chapter: Bob America in Alamo, Texas.