By Noble Peace, The Daily Worm
Nashville -- The NFFA draft is less than 24 hours old and those ancient rivals — the 12th Ave. Bakers and the West Nashville Beelzebubbas — have already set the tone for the 2011 season. In fact, the two were at it a few weeks ago, when the Beelzebubbas' front office declared that they would love to play the Bakers 14 times this season.
And, while many pundits took it as early, good-natured ribbing, there were those in the league who recognized the sinister nature of the comment. Each year the two titans square off in the league's marquee weekend known as the Bacchanal (though they play twice each season). Some claim that the designated weekend trumps the league's very championship game and had ensured the NFFA's survival during leaner times.
The game has shut down Nashville on more than one occasion as authorities have been prompted to declare a state of emergency to deal with the South's largest music and re-animation festival, as well as the largest gathering which honors Shiva in the Western hemisphere.
Bakers' owner QCurl Sharif responded that there "wasn't enough liquor, drugs or sex toys" in town to accomodate such a request. Privately, he fumed to then-dead paramour Amy Winehouse that he would have revenge on his divisional rival.
"QCurl went off that night at the Cherry Bomb," Bakers' head coach Snoop Dogg said. The supreme rapper and winningest coach in Baker history was taking a break from recording at the hip new Studio Q located at the site of the old Becker's Bakery building on 12th Avenue. "And then he purposely snubbed Jorge by witholding an invitation to his birthday party Monday night at the Treehouse."
Reports are that after a personal call was placed on behalf of Linardo to Sharif that the ban was lifted, and later, the venerable league icon was spotted at his regular table, purportedly straining under the weight of a "Mt. Kilimanjaro" special. All seemed well, and the very alive Winehouse was seen laughing and toasting the table in the presence of Sharif.
But, prior to Tuesday's draft, visitors to the Beelzebubba's official website were stunned to learn that Linardo had posted the claim that he is, in fact, Sharif's father. The claim has touched off a firestorm within the Bakers' front office.
Winehouse, in particular, is distraught. Not only has she recently undergone a personal transformation under Sharif's care, but has reportedly given birth to his son. According to Dogg, she has gone into a tailspin, heartbroken that she may have inadvertently brought the two franchises together forever in actual flesh and blood. According to Dogg, the prospect of future repercussions within the league may be too much for her to bear.
"Amy is all about love," Dogg said. "She's in a crazy place. And, this is bustin my groove, too. I needed her to lay down some shit here before the season hits. QCurl just walks around in here crying and laughing and hittin the medicine. This aint cool right before the Atlanta game. I got enough problems gettin the Bakes on!"
Sharif and Winehouse are mum about the claim publicly, but are privately denying it any credence. The Bakers' lawyers are looking into all scenarios, informed sources say.
