By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press
In a move that threatens to alter the power structure in the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association's Jorge division, the 12th Avenue Bakers and the Cambridge Animals have pulled off the largest swap of players in NFFA history — a trade involving six offensive starters.
Shortly after 3 p.m. CST today, deputy commissioner Meemaw Murrman approved the blockbuster trade which sent quarterback Tom Brady, running back Peyton Hillis and placekicker Matt Bryant to the Animals and quarterback Cam Newton, running back Chris Johnson and placekicker Rob Bironas to the Bakers.
The trade would appear to be the final chapter in a strange tale stretching back to the second week of last season in which Cambridge owner Dave the Animal placed a curse on the 1-0 12th Avenue franchise, causing them to lose their week-two matchup despite scoring 200 points. The Bakers' season spiraled downward from there to a 2-12 regular-season finish. The reason DTA put the curse on the Bakes was because he believed they had stolen Brady from him. "I made mother[expletive] Tom Brady," the Cambridge owner, a self-proclaimed fantasy quarterback guru, crowed. "I wasn't about to have Q profit from my genius."
Reached by cell phone, team owner QCurl Sharif was downright giddy about the historic transaction. "We got Cam and CJ and the precious, plus got rid of that goddamn curse, so it's a great day in Baker nation," Sharif enthused. He went on to say he had to cut the call short because he was at 12 South Taproom toasting the team's good fortune with Baker uberfan Bill Cheatham, one of Sharif's strongest supporters and harshest critics.
According to a source close to the trade negotiations, at one point in the process, DTA offered to trade his entire franchise for the Bakers entire franchise, just to "prove his coaching genius," boasting to Bakers coach Snoop Lion and Sharif that he would "take the team with the worst draft in league history to the playoffs."
New Bakers running back Johnson said he was glad to get out of Cambridge. "Man, there's a lot of pressure up there to be gay," he said by cell phone from the training facilities of his new team. "It was too freaky for me, homes." Johnson went on to say he had heard the reason Cambridge wanted the three players in particular was because they are all gay.
Apparently, it was the Cambridge franchise's new front office wunderkind, Wilder the Animal, who finally pulled the trigger on the much-rumored trade early this afternoon. It seems Wilder has succeeded DTA's supercomputer/paramour Nancy as the brains of the team.
The AWP has learned that all six players are expected to be in the starting lineups for their new teams come Sunday.
