The Associated Web Press received the following information from a source within the Cambridge Animals organization yesterday. Its authenticity has been confirmed.
Unable to bear the humiliation of defeat, DTA has begun construction of a pyramid next to his Cambridge, Massachusetts compound where he and Nancy will hoard their empire's vast possessions, lie together one last time, and set off a holy conflagration that will, he says, “Blaze up into the heavens for all eternity, because it will be fueled by some fifty thousand tons of fine crack cocaine and crystal.”
In a statement read by the ghost of Garrett Morris for the benefit of the Linardos, DTA says, “All of my life has been modeled upon that other great world leader and female impersonator Cleopatra VII, and so shall be my death.”
He will of course be followed in death by his entire, devoted “Staff of Ten Thousand”: Animal Spokesperson (G.O.) Leon Spinks, Animal Consort and Head Coach Joe Willie Namath, Team Plaything Lance Alworth, various exotic animals, along with all the other mulleted redneck freaks who've helped him build his empire in garages and feed stores across this great land of ours.
In honor of his own mixed heritage and in light of the Michael Vick tragedy, he has humbly requested that all the Southern NFFA owners free their slaves at once, “and if any of those owners have loved DTA enough to allow those slaves to beat them to death with cats, so be it: their remains may then rest for all time alongside mine and Nancy's, assuming of course that Nancy actually burns, which is in some doubt.”
— Spinks, Ghost of
