SHARIF CALLS FOR MARCH ON CAPITOL

Bakers fans begin to gather in downtown Nashville early Saturday after Sir QCurl Sharif's call for them to march on the Tennessee capitol Sunday.

By Man-Ray Natural

The Mainline Dope

NASHVILLE—In an ironic twist played out on the front steps of the Cherry Bomb Cafe, the longtime heartbeat for the London Bakers (orig. 12th Avenue Bakers) fanbase and primordial haunt of QCurl Sharif, the star-crossed owner called for "all true Bakers fans, and patriots of the Baker Nation," to march on the Tennessee state capitol Sunday.

Sharif believes the outcome of the Bakers loss in week 11 of the NFFA season to the Midtown Browns to be fraudulent. The final adjudication of the score appeared on Thanksgiving morning, to the chagrin of the streaking Bakers. 

The irony can be found in the familiar ring to former U.S. president Donald J. Trump's call for his followers to march on the nation's capitol in protest of the 2020 election results he claimed to be invalid and rigged. Sharif uprooted the Bakers franchise in 2016 and moved to London in protest of Trump's election victory over Hillary Clinton.

"We refuse to accept the results," Sharif said. " … [I'm] asking all true Bakers fans to show up at the Bicentennial Mall on Sunday for what I'm calling the Bacchanal March on the Capitol. It’s gonna be wild!"

Sharif was flanked by Judge Naomi Morningstar, who was floated along with Merrick Garland, by former president Barack Obama to fill the vacant Supreme Court position held by the late Ruth Bader Ginsberg. The annual Bacchanal tilt between the Bakers and West Nashville Beelzebubbas is well-attended each year, and the crowd stretched from the front of the Cherry Bomb north along 12th Avenue to Edgehill Boulevard.

"This is one of the largest crowds I've ever seen," Sharif stated. "This may sound like the rant of a sore loser, but it's not — we have irrefutable proof that dead people scored for the Browns in that game. We are the hottest team in the league — you don't really believe we could lose to a team like that? Seriously. We were winning. Way up. A lead that's never been seen before. I woke up Thursday morning and some pencil-neck says the Browns won. It was stolen.

"Elias [Sports Bureau] has pulled this before on people. Good people. It's disgusting. I was with one of my lawyers and Naomi on a zoom call and we were treated so badly. The Elias representative was a very nasty woman."

As preparations were in full swing for the Bacchanal, Tennessee governor Bill Lee called in state troopers to disperse the crowd that by Saturday had swollen to include Bubbas and Bakers fans alike, and gathered in front of the main stage on the Capitol grounds.

The troopers were turned back by an especially fervent line of Bakers supporters known as the Short Mountain Fairies, a militant transgender group joined by traditional event security forces employed by both franchises.

The Bacchanal weekend each year, with events now held at multiple locales, rivals the NFFA championship game with music, nudity, and drug use. This year's legal wrangling over the outcome of the Bakers-Browns game will serve as a volatile undercurrent to the planned festivities now getting underway. The expectation that the game and culminating concert will move forward as planned were confirmed by both Sharif and Gen. G.W. Leonard.

"Lee will have to call in the National Guard if he wants to break those fairies," Leonard said from backstage at the mall's ampitheater. "And, I don't think that will do it, either. That's some hard-pipe shit out there."

Sharif, normally occupied with hosting duties and the Blessing of the Virgins ritual held beneath the Parthenon in Centennial Park, appeared agitated and incoherent when he retreated inside the Cherry Bomb. He appeared to kneel and kiss the hand of the statue of Artemis which greets guests inside the front entrance. Old photos of friends, NFFA owners, and celebrities still cover the walls inside the adjacent bar where die-hard Bakers patrons were gathered and drinking heavily.

"I think Q is lamenting the loss of the American dream," Morningstar said, as she changed into a British flag-themed Nudie suit in Sharif's private lounge and green room within the club. "I understand the Trump comparison in this heated moment, but believe me, he just wants fairness. The Integrity Dinner will be held as planned tonight. And, QCurl plans to touch on important points during his introduction — civil rights, voting rights, and pointedly, abortion rights. He is horrified at what has happened in his home state. In particular, he is incensed that the abortion clinic at the Cherry Bomb has been closed down."

‘Q IS NOBODY’ Santos claims Bakers built on ‘pure fantasy’

Following a change of wardrobe after his surprise press conference, George Santos was photographed as he entered Club Gitmo.

By Ariel-Mutha Tafoya

FSN Sports

In a move that threatened to shake the foundations of the entire league, embattled New York Congressman George Santos on Tuesday denounced London Bakers owner QCurl Sharif as a “complete imposter” whose storied organization is “built on pure fantasy.”

Santos, who faces expulsion from Congress based on a number of allegations, including campaign finance fraud, appeared in Nashville for Bacchanal Week. At a news conference near Nashville’s Bicentennial Mall, where the annual Bacchanal will be staged beginning on Friday, Santos stepped to the microphone wearing a flamboyant Carmen Miranda costume, suggestive of his native Brazil, complete with a headdress made of tropical fruit.

“It gives me no pleasure to say this,” Santos began, “but it must be said: The man who calls himself QCurl Sharif is a fake, a fraud and a fantasy. Q is a nobody, and I hate to see millions of good, honest people deceived by a pretender.”

As Santos elaborated in a long, rambling narrative, he came to Nashville two decades ago as the original drummer for Brazilbilly. Performing nightly with frontman Jesse Lee Jones at Robert’s Western Wear, Santos said he came to know people in country music circles. Later, he said he worked in media relations for the NFFA in its early years—a claim that could not be independently verified.

“I’m in a position to know certain things,” Santos said. “QCurl Sharif is actually a guy named Warren Denney who works for the Country Music Hall of Fame. I played on the Hall’s rec league volleyball team with him. He was never knighted by the Queen of England. He’s not a folk hero in Ukraine. He’s not besties with Joe Biden. He was never the target of an assassination attempt by Taylor Swift. Focus on the Family never put a fatwa on him. He doesn’t operate a swanky club in London. He did have a pet chimpanzee named Mr. TD, but that’s about it. Everything else is a fabrication.”

The question was put to Santos: “Are you saying the whole league is built on a fraud?”

“No, not the whole league,” Santos replied. “For example, I know for sure that Dave the Animal runs a huge international narcotics manufacturing operation in New England. I’ve seen the Methlon facilities. He was one of the rich donors I tried to cultivate for my campaign after he served as chief mediator with Covid-19 during the Trump Administration. DTA is totally legit, even if not totally legal.”

Media reaction was swift and severe. Fox News, a longtime critic of Sharif, used Santos’ claims to paint Sharif and the Bakers—and, by extension, the entire NFFA and its founder, Dr. Jorgé Linardo—as dangerous frauds who peddle anti-American values.

Sharif, who was reportedly at his West End Treehouse with Bakers coach Snoop Dogg as they filmed a TV commercial for BudHub, a new delivery service operated by Sod Bakers, LLC, was not available for comment. Meanwhile, protesters assembled in the 12 South neighborhood, near the team’s former headquarters, carrying signs that said, “Say it ain’t so, Q.” Speaking to an ABC News camera crew in front of the Cherry Bomb Café, Bakers superfan Bill Cheatham, sporting an AR-15 over his shoulder, “I knew it was so all along. Q deceived us and then took the team out of town. And now it turns out he’s just some cog in the country music machine named Warren. Man, [bleep] that.”

On Wednesday, Beelzebubbas owner MetaWorld Death, flanked by NFFA Commissioner Bernie Sanders and Deputy Commissioner Meadow Soprano, addressed Santos’ accusations in his own press conference outside NFFA Headquarters in downtown Nashville.

“I think we all know George Santos’ track record, and it speaks for itself,” said MWD. “Nevertheless, these are serious charges that many credulous people will take as truth, especially when amplified by the haters and liars. It is an abomination to bring these absurd allegations during Bacchanal Week, the celebration that best exemplifies all that is good and true about the greatest sports league of all time. It is not easy going into the annual Integrity Dinner hosted by my old friend Sir Q when our integrity is being challenged in this way.

“I can’t help but think of the words of the philosopher George Clinton, who helped provide this league with its intellectual underpinnings and who will be with us this weekend: ‘Fantasy is reality in the world today. / But I’ll keep hanging in there; that is the only way. / I’m free of the need to be free. / My mine is mine, and mine my mind will always stay. / No man-made law is gonna take it away.”

“Let’s not hate George Santos,” MWD continued. “He’s living a fantasy as a way to cope with the unbearable realities of his world where, like the song says, ‘Insanity is normality.’ He came here dressed like a tropical drag queen because he desperately wants what the NFFA has always embodied. But society has unfortunately taught him that he should try to tear down what we have built here for the world instead of becoming ‘free of the need to be free.’ What he said yesterday should not be seen as accusations against the owner who represents the spiritual heart of this league but as a desperate cry for help. And just as this league has filled such a deep spiritual need for millions, we should reach out to poor, lost George now with a lifeline.”

With that, Commissioner Sanders stepped to the microphone and said, “In the spirit of this great league, I hereby offer an invitation to George Santos to join the annual celebration of the Bacchanal, where he can be whoever he wants without judgment. And I want you to know that the invitation doesn’t just come from me. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States!”

As the media watched with jaws dropped, Joe Biden emerged from behind a backdrop curtain and said, “Look, let’s dispense with the malarkey that QCurl Sharif is somebody else. Barack and I have been guests at his Tree House many times. I delivered the eulogy at his funeral, for crissake, back when we thought he had been killed in Ukraine. I smoked cigars and sipped brandy with Furious George. Sir Q is the real deal.

“There is simply nothing in our country like the NFFA, which has become a beacon of hope and sanity for so many. I’ve recently been to Israel and met with the leader of China, but there is nothing I could do this month that is more important to renewing this nation than to be here to celebrate an American dream that some people misleadingly call ‘fantasy’ football. George, you have a chance to quit the fantasy world of the Republican Party and latch on here to something that is real and vital. Why don’t you leave your problems behind and come be part of the solution?”

Santos, last seen entering Club Gitmo on Wednesday afternoon, could not be reached for comment. FSN will continue to update this story.

THE STREAK IS OVER Ballers tie Bakers franchise for most losses to start a season

Ballers owner Mojo D in happier times.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

With their win over the West Nashville Beelzebubbas last weekend, the 1-8 Ballers fell just short of establishing a new record for season-opening futility. Instead, their eight losses to start the 2023 season leaves them in a tie for that ignominious record with the London Bakers franchise. 

The Bakers started two seasons with eight consecutive losses — in 2007 and 2013, back when the franchise was still located in the 12th Avenue neighborhood. What heightened the drama for both franchises is the Ballers traveled to London to play the Bakers in week eight. The outcome was never in doubt as the Bakes cruised to a 45-point victory.

Running back Chris Johnson, who was a member of both those Bakers squads, gathered with some of teammates from those Bakers teams at Club Gitmo Sports Book the past two weekends in anticipation of the Ballers taking sole possession of the record. Johnson was joined by 2007 player-coach Pacman Jones, 2007 quarterback Drew Brees, 2013 defensive end J.J. Watt and the ghost of Rob Bironas, among others.

“We were disappointed the Ballers didn’t claim the record as their own, but we are definitely happy they share the record now,” Jones told the AWP.

After his team’s week eight win over the Ballers, Bakers owner QCurl Sharif celebrated at the One-Eyed Pig in London. “Q laughed, he cried, then he smoked some Howenwald Kush and got the giggles,” said one of the pub’s patrons who attended Sharif’s private postgame party.

While the Ballers’ name is now associated with one of the least desirable records, the franchise avoided being part of another that is even worse. Had the Ballers lost two more games, they would have tied the 2011 Bakers for the longest losing streak at any point in the season of 10 games.

Beelzebubbas co-owner MetaWorldDeath, the former Boyd X. Biggs, took to social media to express his disappointment in being the first team to lose to the Ballers in 2023. “This weekend brings back memories of the Ghost of Biggs suicide after a collapse against the Midtown Mojo,” he wrote. “Fortunately, MetaWorldDeath has experienced a lot of personal growth since his 2nd death.”

According to those close to him, the Ballers’ losing streak had weighed heavily on team owner Mojo D. “He was self-medicating pretty much all his waking hours,” said one Baller insider who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “It was a nonstop flow of gin and tonics, vaping and edibles. You might say he remembered to forget.”

The insider said Mojo D is in much better spirits now that the Ballers have gotten off the schneid. “He’s still self-medicating, of course, because the team is 1-8. But it’s not as heavy. I think he switched to some sativa edibles, so he’s more upbeat.”

Village Green owner Dave Goodrow told this reporter he heard Mojo D was at Robert’s Western World after the game Monday night with former NFL coach Herman Edwards, but AWP has not been able to confirm that.

In a related development, the AWP has learned Goodrow asked the NFFA rules committee to explore the possibility of instituting a draft lottery, a la the NBA, to determine the first four picks in the draft. As the Ballers’ losing streak wore on, the Green owner apparently thought Mojo D was tanking to get the first pick in the 2024 draft. Goodrow was not the only owner to express concern to the rules committee the Ballers were intentionally losing. One owner texted his concern to the committee when the Ballers started undrafted rookie Tyson Bagent at quarterback against the Bakers in week eight. “Mojo D starting Bears QB makes it look like he’s tanking,” the owner wrote.

In another related development, accusations swirled on social media that the ‘Bubbas had thrown the game against the Ballers to ensure that the Bakers would continue to own a share of the record for most consecutive  losses to start a season.

MetaWorldDeath took the uncharacteristic step of replying to the accusations on his Telegram account. “In a league that runs on hate. no one has been more supportive of the two-time defending Jorge division champion Bakers than the West Nashville franchise. We remain brothers in spirit, if not in fact.”

It should be noted, MWD did not actually deny the accusations.

With all the media focused on the record for consecutive losses to start the season, it has gone largely unnoticed that the Boca Chica Daddies have endured a long losing streak of their own — seven games after an opening week win over the Ballers. But like the Ballers, the Daddies ended their streak last weekend, too, with a win over the East Nashville Black Dogs.