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| New East Nashville spokesdog Triumph the Insult Comic Dog was smoking at his first weekly press conference yesterday at the Purple Building. |
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN News
(Editor's note: This is the 500th story published on the NFFA Newswire.)
Reinvigorating a weekly tradition that included rants from Buddy Ryan and rambling, margarita-fueled monologues by Jim McMahon, the East Nashville Black Dogs held their first weekly presser of the season Tuesday with a new team media rep: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.
The beat reporters who assembled for the noon event at The Purple Building in East Nashville’s Five Points area were clearly surprised by the appearance of Triumph, whose relationship with the Black Dogs had not been announced previously. The veteran comedian, who cut his teeth on Saturday Night Live and elsewhere, appeared suddenly through an opening in a black curtain and, chomping his trademark cigar, began speaking into a microphone: “Welcome, my bitches. It’s 2021 and the Black Dogs are getting back to business. I know you have questions. I will try to answer slowly so you can keep up. Who wants to go first? Go ahead, I won’t bite.”
When FSN’s Woody Larry began to ask a question, Triumph quickly interrupted, “Excuse me, I didn’t see you raise your hand. We need to set some rules upfront. If you want to ask a question here, you have to raise your hand and be called on. This is not some free-for-all. This is not the Village Green, where you don’t even have to pick up your own poop.”
Raising his hand, Larry tried again after being recognized, asking whether the Black Dogs were concerned after their 0-2 start to the season.
“Absolutely,” Triumph replied. “We are concerned that we might win this week and not be able to go 0-4, which is the position from which we launched our run to the championship game last season. We are on the right track, but not yet where we want to be. If we can lose these next two games, we will have them right where we want them.”
“But,” Larry followed, “do you really want to dig yourself into that kind of hole again this year?”
“Listen,” Triumph shot back, “dogs dig holes. That’s what we do. We thrive in holes. Besides, our competition makes it easy to get out of holes when we want to. I mean no disrespect to our first two opponents. The Animals and the Green are excellent teams — for me to poop on!
“And then there are the Bakers and the Bubbas, who are not so good but I can still poop on them, too.”
Raising his hand, WKRN’s Joe Biddle introduced himself and asked whether the Black Dogs were concerned about the fast start of their division rivals, the Cambridge Animals. “Oh, you’re Joe Biddle?” Triumph said. “I’ve heard of you. They told me all about the ‘I Beat Biddle’ contest. I think maybe we should change it to, ‘I Bite Biddle.’ That way we get more of our dogs involved.
“But wait, you asked a serious question even if it was about a non-serious team. Of course we are concerned about the Animals. They are humping everything that moves right now. They broke two curses last year. Anytime you go from a lineup being set each week by someone who has ingested mushrooms to a lineup set by someone who knows you need 14 active players, and not all of them should be from New England, you have to think they’re going to be more of a threat than before. But, you know, a lot of teams have been 2-0 after two games. Only one team has been undefeated after 16 games.”
“Looking ahead to this week,” Biddle asked, “how do you see this week’s game against the Ballers?”
“I predict that, after this game, we will either be 1-and-2 or 0-and-3,” Triumph said. “I see we are an early 11-point underdog. That is a very large point spread — for me to poop on! Ask me next week, and I can tell you more.”
With that, Triumph disappeared behind the curtain as margaritas were served to reporters and a version of Todd Snider’s “Eastside Bulldogs,” with new lyrics touting Eastside Black Dogs, played over the stereo system.
