DENNEY MISSING, FOUL PLAY SUSPECTED

G.Q. Denney, shown above at a Bakers pep rally in
2006, has not been heard from in almost two weeks.

DENNEY MISSING, FOUL PLAY SUSPECTED

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

G.Q. Denney, beloved owner of the 12th Avenue Bakers, has been missing for nearly two weeks and foul play is suspected, the AWP has learned.

Although Denney has said nothing publicly, his behind-the scenes support for embattled 12th Avenue quarterback Michael Vick may have made the Bakers owner a target of animal rights activists. At least that is what league officials told Nashvegas detectives, according to a police report obtained by the AWP.

Calls to the Bakers offices have gone unreturned. NFFA Media Relations Director Steven Pindoctor declined to comment beyond saying Commissioner Money is "very concerned" about the missing owner.

At the Cherry Bomb Cafe last night, which is also owned by Denney, speculation ran rampant. West Nashville owner/coach Boyd X. Biggs said he wondered if Fidalgo Island owner Triki Bobber might be involved. East Nashville coach Jim McMahon, who was drinking Touchdown Tasers™ with Biggs, said he agreed Bobber might be involved because "his wife is a key figure in the animal rights underground whose code name is Miss P."

The AWP was told by the housekeeper who answered the phone at the Bobber's residence that the Sea Hogs owner was unavailable for comment because "he's still asleep."

BLACK DOGS MASCOT THREATENS VICK

Leader lashes out during press conference

BLACK DOGS MASCOT THREATENS VICK

By Bill O'Really, Faux News

EAST NASHVILLE — At a press conference in his backyard yesterday, Leader, one of the official mascots of the East Nashville Black Dogs, threatened Michael Vick, the QB of the 12th Avenue Bakers.

Visibly emotional, Leader said, "Vick,GRRRRR! Aaarrrrff! RRRRowl! RRRuufff, BowWow" (translated, "Vick, if you ever take the field against the Black Dogs, I will tear you a new one!).

According to his handlers, Leader was incensed when he learned that Vick had been hosting a dog fighting ring. The Black Dogs mascot had to be sedated following the press conference.

DENNEY MAY KEEP VICK, PACMAN

G.Q. Denney is considering keeping Michael Vick and

Pacman Jones on the Bakers roster for the 2007 season.

DENNEY MAY KEEP VICK, PACMAN

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

G.Q. Denney, owner of the 12th Avenue Bakers, is said to value loyalty above almost everything else. The AWP has learned the eclectic owner may be about to demonstrate exactly how much he values loyalty.

In a post on the league message board dated July 20, East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon wrote: "As I understand it, G.Q. Denney will be keeping Vick and Pacman." The post would seem to suggest that in a sign of solidarity, the Bakers owner is at least considering using two of his four keeper positions to retain the two embattled players — one of whom is suspended for the season, the other facing a probable multi-year suspension, at best. As a close personal friend of Denney's, the Black Dogs coach is considered a reliable source.

Neither Denney nor McMahon was available for comment at press time.

DOBSON BLASTS NEW NFFA LOGO

Focus on the Family's James Dobson thinks the new NFFA logo is 'Satanic'

DOBSON BLASTS NEW NFFA LOGO

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

Although the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association`s new logo was unveiled yesterday with little fanfare, one leader of the religious right noticed and is mad as hell; literally.

"The stars on the new NFFA logo are clearly upside-down pentagrams, which is widely recognized as Satanic," Focus On The Family leader James Dobson said. "Plus, I spoke with the Pope and he is upset with the mangled Latin featured on the new logo."

The phrases "E Pluribus Mayhem," which loosely translates as "from many, mayhem," and "In Chaos Veritas," which translates as "in chaos, truth," appear at the top and bottom respectively of the gold and blue logo in the shape of a Celtic shield.

The offending words are mayhem and chaos, neither of which is Latin. Mayhem derives from Old French with its modern connotation via American English; and chaos is Greek, which the Pope found especially galling.

When reached for comment, Commissioner William D. Money said he liked the new logo, but insisted he was not directly involved in its development, which was subcontracted to a design firm. According to Money, a committee chaired by Boyd X. Biggs of the West Nashville Beelzebubbas supervised Daddy D Designs, the firm hired to redesign the logo.