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| DTA (shown above with Chuck D) is wanted by police for bribery and point shaving |
By Dixie Normus
United Web Press International
An arrest warrant has been issued for Cambridge Animals owner Dave the Animal by the Boston police department for allegedly bribing ELIAS Deputy Chief of Statistics, John Cocktosten. Buena Vista owner Mojo D and Sylvan owner Bronko Nagurski have also been identified as persons of interest.
Closed circuit video cameras captured DTA handing Cocktosten a large sum of cash and a pound of ball bearings early Wednesday morning outside Blarney's pub in Cambridge. A police department’s source said according to lip-reading specialists who viewed the footage, DTA told Cocktosten, “That fuckin' Derrick Henry picked up eight points with four minutes left to play, and I got beat. Find me two points before the game is official — I need this win.”
According to the source, Cocktosten said in a signed statement to the police, “Early Thursday morning, I deducted two points, one point from (Green) linebacker Fred Warner and added one point to the score of (Animals) defensive lineman Brandon Graham. The changes were legit, and I already knew about them when DTA approached me. I figured he’s rich, why not take his money. What’s ten grand to someone like him.” He went on to say he “deeply” regretted his actions. Cocktosten has since tendered his resignation to EILIAS.
Ironically, even with the changes, the Animals still lost by a tenth of a point. DTA was never good at math. When the Boston police informed NFFA commissioner Bernie Sanders of the charges against DTA, the Nashvegas Fantasy football Association had its first ever suspension of official scoring while all the changes were double-checked.
Late Friday afternoon, Commissioner Sanders released a brief statement: “We have video footage showing what appears to be a cash bribe put forth by Dave the Animal, owner of the Cambridge Animals, to one of ELIAS's main point calculators, a Mr. John Cocktosten. DTA is now under investigation for conspiracy to shave points. The scores and standings in both leagues are official.
“We are also investigating at this time Mr. Bronko Nagurski, owner of the Sylvan Goats, and Mr. Mojo D, owner of the Buena Vista Ballers, after we received an encrypted zoom video session that appears to show DTA having discussions with these team owners. It appears that the three of them would have been interested in an Animals win and a Green loss. We wish to thank West Nashville Beelzebubbas owner for sending us the zoom recording.”
At the time of this writing, the police had not been able to locate DTA. More on this as the story develops.
