NFFA Roundup MONEY FOUND IN GUATEMALA Seeks to move up title game before world ends

Guatemalan elder Don Luis initiated Bill Money as a Mayan shaman.

  By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

When NFFA fans last heard news of Bill Money, the league’s commissioner and Black Dogs team owner was hospitalized in a coma after a mysterious beating at his office in the NFFA Tower in downtown Nashville. Under equally mysterious circumstances, Money apparently was transferred, while still in a comatose state, from a local ICU to a long-term care facility in Mexico that, as FSN has learned, has ties to league founder Dr. Jorge Linardo.

Last week, Money appeared alive and well — though not in person — in making his first public statement after the assault on him in September. Speaking via Skype, Money announced that he had been living for the past two months in the highlands of Guatemala and was initiated as a Mayan shaman during his time there.

In his rambling, two-minute statement, which he said originated from the Guatemalan city of Antigua, Money verbally attacked his fellow NFFA owners for following what he called “the false gods of God, Shiva, Satan, Allah, monkeys, Crystal and Maryjane.”

He also announced that the league’s championship game would be moved from December 23 to December 20, so that “Los Perros Negros de Nashville Oriental” could claim another title before the world ends on December 21.

There was no immediate comment from Deputy Commissioner MeeMaw Murmann, who has been acting as the league’s chief executive in Money’s absence.

MEMA Leads Emergency Response to Sandy

Hundreds of MEMA trailers in the back parking area at Methlon Enterprises awaiting deployment to victims on the day after Hurricane Sandy hit the East Coast.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

According to sources from inside the company, the night after Superstorm Sandy made landfall in the New York area, Methlon president and CEO Dave the Animal convened an emergency board meeting. “It is our moral duty as an organization,” DTA reportedly told those around the table, “to make an unprecedented effort to meet the medicinal needs of a hurting community amid a human tragedy.”

From that session was born MEMA — the Methlon Emergency Management Association. In a triumph of logistical skill and supply chain management, MEMA trailers began rolling down I-95 to the storm-ravaged areas of the East Coast within days after the hurricane hit.

For the past month, MEMA has been setting up distribution points for pharmacological relief supplies from Long Island to North Carolina, with special emphasis on the hardest hit areas of New Jersey and Staten Island.

“We’re a divided country, but this is one issue where all sides can come together,” said DTA before adding with a slight smile: “We invite Democrats and Republicans to come together and smoke the pipe of peace.”

When reached by phone yesterday, DTA said that MEMA would remain operational after its efforts related to Sandy were complete, in order to provide rapid response to future disasters. “Plus,” DTA said, “it’s always an emergency for somebody, you know?”

The Cambridge Animals owner was quick to deflect criticism that MEMA was simply a ploy to increase the territories and markets for Methlon products. “That’s insulting,” DTA snapped at a reporter’s question. “This isn’t about capitalism. It’s about compassion. We’re here to help. You’re welcome.”

SPACE ODDITY Black Dogs pregame features Baumgartner

 Austrian skydiver Felix Baumgartner dropped from space into Black Dogs  stadium tonight carrying special "sea-hogskin" game balls.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

NASHVEGAS—East Nashville general manager Buddy Ryan is known for some unusual game-day promotions, most notably his "Bring Your Black Dog to the Game" promotion in 2008 that resulted in the mauling of a number of fans of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs. Well, the Sea Hogs are back in the East Nasty this week, and Ryan had another pregame surprise.

Duplicating his October feat, Austrian Felix Baumgartner skydived from outer space, this time landing on the field at the Dawg House, as Black Dogs stadium is known, during the pregame festivities. An excited Ryan broke the news to the AWP earlier today via cell phone.

"This is gonna be a helluva show," Ryan enthused. "Not only is Felix gonna skydive from space into the stadium, he will be carrying two ceremonial game balls made of sea hog pigskin." Ryan went on to explain that the "hogskin" game balls were specially made for this year's home contest with Fidalgo Island.

"We'll also have the traditional running of the black dogs," the GM continued, "but to make sure no one gets mauled, the dogs will be chasing mechanical sea hogs — you know, sort of like the mechanical rabbits at greyhound tracks."

The Sea Hogs enter the game with a 5-5 record and tied for the final playoff spot; the Black Dogs lead all teams at 8-2.

HOW LOW CAN THEY GO Double-digit scores are rare, humiliating

Goodrow is shooting for The Village Green to score at least one point tonight so his bitter enemy Mojo D — or as he likes to joke, his "bitter enema" — will still hold the record for the second-lowest point total in the history of the NFFA.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Update: Nov. 13, 2012, 9:30 a.m. CST — The final score of last night's contest between the East Nashville Black Dogs and The Village Green was Black Dogs 147, Green 64. The Green's 64 points is the fourth-lowest total since 2004. The list of double-digit scores at the end of this story has been updated to include last night's results.

HILLSBORO VILLAGE—Barring some kind of scoring anomaly tonight, The Village Green will post the lowest score of the season thus far, most likely finishing with a total somewhere between 70 and 80 points. They have 60 points going into the Monday night game. It will be The Green's second double-digit score of the season, tying them with the 12th Avenue Bakers for that ignominious distinction.

Double-digit scores became a rarity when the league made the switch to its one-point-per-10-yards scoring system prior to the 2005 season. Since then, the Bakers have failed to hit 100 points 11 times. The Corsairs franchise, which was originally called the Southall Block Rockers, was known as the Franktown Silverbacks during the 2005 and 2006 seasons and racked up three scores less than 100 in that time. Since current owner Mojo D took over in 2007, the franchise has registered four more scores in double digits, including the second-lowest score ever of 60.5 points in a loss in 2008 to the Alamo Scouts, who are now known as The Village Green. The Scouts scored the lowest total ever — 48 points — in a loss to the Cambridge Animals in 2009.

The East Nashville Black Dogs and the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs are the only franchises to have never recorded a score under 100, and the West Nashville Beezlebubbas have failed to hit the century mark only once.

The following is the list of double-digit scores since 2005:

Source: Meemaw Murrman, Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association

MCMAHON SAYS HE'S 'LORD OF THE RINGS' Predicts another Black Dogs championship

QCS isn't the only NFFA personality hanging with the POTUS. Obama loves the '85 Bears, including East Nashville coach Jim McMahon, shown with him above.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

HILLSBORO VILLAGE—In a rambling, quasi-coherent, impromptu press conference this morning prior to his team's game against the Village Green, East Nashville head coach guaranteed the world will not end on Dec. 21, as some say the Mayan calendar prophesied. He also predicted the Black Dogs would become the first team in NFFA history to win back-to-back championships.

"I'm the mother[expletive] Lord of the Rings," declared McMahon, who clinched his eighth-straight non-losing season with a win last weekend. "Three rings in seven years and planning to get a fourth this year. Book it."

When it was pointed out that the Atlanta Smack Daddies also have three championships, McMahon said, "Well, their first title was back in the league's second year, before Lex [Dominica] bought the team and before the league had a playoff format. So, I don't count that one. The Daddies have won two in the last seven years, just like the [Fidalgo Island] Sea Hogs.

"Last time I checked, the Daddies and Hogs are in our rearview mirror this season."

Then the coach abruptly shifted gears and gave a lengthy and surprisingly knowledgeable explanation of why the Maya did not predict the world would come to an end in December. "The Maya didn't suffer from ADD like all you clowns — they thought in terms of millennia, not milliseconds.

"What is going to happen on Dec. 21 is the current 5,000-year Long Count will come to an end, but the next Long Count will immediately begin," the coach explained. "Some New Age nut job stirred up all this nonsense back in the '90s — I think his name was Jose Guillen."

At that point, McMahon said he had to get ready for the game. Departing, he said, "Nos mos in manu Village Viridi angusta repulsam."

SHARIF'S OBAMA BASH LEAVES FOX'S KELLY, BAKERS QBs MISSING

Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly (right), Snoop Lion and Taylor Swift were all seen at the Treehouse Lounge in the wee morning hours following President Obama's reelection.

By Faith Popcorn
12th Avenue Bakers

Director of Public Relations

NASHVILLE—12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif is refusing to answer questions from law enforcement agencies following alleged activities in the private Treehouse Lounge on his property in the hours immediately following president Barack Obama's re-election Tuesday night.

Sharif hosts an infamous party every four years on the night of the U.S. presidential election. This year's version featured extremely tight security due to death threats, and in Sharif's words "to keep undesirables out — specifically people of faith and those who wear clothes."

As the evening played out, it was announced to a frenzied crowd that the president himself, a long-time friend of Sharif's dating back to their days on the Harvard Law Review, would attend in the early morning hours, win or lose. Word leaked out in the city, and coupled with many 12th Avenue fans who had gathered outside the residence, the scene became one of chaos and celebration. Sharif had earlier predicted an Obama win and had boasted to the press of certain ensuing party activities.

Throughout the night, Sharif moved through the crowd graciously, with a pistol visible in his waistband and his personal physician at his side. Hundreds of bowls of red, white, and blue Obama Bombs — party favors — were available for guests. The sound system churned out Amy Winehouse most of the night in honor of the late singer's Baker ties. Notable guests included Mick Jagger and Nashville stars Hayden Panettiere and Powers Booth.

When questioned about late-night activities planned for the Treehouse, Sharif had stated, "It will be pretty tame compared to 2008. But we are excited that [Fox News anchorwoman] Megyn Kelly is coming. And, it's great that Powers is here. You know he played Jim Jones in the Koolaid flick, so he fits right in. I'm also pretty jacked up about this shipment of magic underwear."

Today, authorities and Fox News want to know the whereabouts of Ms. Kelly and an explanation for the number of "team vehicles" with Colorado plates parked illegally throughout Sharif's neighborhood. Rumors of a salty, amateur production of the smash Broadway musical The Book of Mormon, and sightings of Obama and Sharif with young, purportedly Mormon, men, abound. Sharif noted that Kelly had seemed ecstatic when she left with quarterbacks Robert Griffin III and Cam Newton.

"She was thrilled. Her dress was on backwards, but she looked great! Of course, we waive player curfews for these parties," Sharif said. "God, I remember the night W was reelected — McNair was so pissed, he disappeared with Marsha Blackburn for three days. By the way, she never misses one of these."

President Obama returned to Washington, D.C. Wednesday after lunching with Sharif and Bakers' head coach Snoop Lion at the Cherry Bomb Cafe. The struggling Bakers are 2-7 this season, coming off a narrow win over The Village Green. Obama told reporters that he had installed a trick play with Coach Lion for this weekend's Bakers-Corsairs matchup.

"We're calling it the Commie Reach-Around," the president joked before boarding Air Force One at the Nashville airport.

Meanwhile, local authorities are asking anyone with information regarding Ms. Kelly's whereabouts to contact them. Sharif seemed unconcerned. "We kicked it. She's a big girl ... and those are big boys," he said. "They can all take care of themselves. And, I don't really expect either one of them to play this weekend anyway so as far as I'm concerned — and it's cool with Snoop — they can kiss the sky."