NFFA Roundup BAKERS TO RETURN TO ‘THE GOOSE’ Trump leases 12 South landmark for week 10 game

Kellyanne Conway announced this week The Village Green will host the London Bakers at the Bakers' old field, formerly known as Grey Goose Stadium.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

Through media spokesperson Kellyanne Conway, The Village Green announced Tuesday that the team’s upcoming game against the London Bakers will be played in the Bakers’ old Nashville home, formerly known as Grey Goose Stadium.

According to Conway, the Nashville Sports Council and Mayor Megan Barry agreed to a one-weekend, “special event” lease that will permit the two teams to use the stadium, which the Bakers sold to the city after their relocation to the U.K. The terms of the lease, Conway said, also permit the Trump organization to use the name Trump 12 South Stadium for the venue that weekend.

“We think this will make for an even more exciting event for our fans and all NFFA fans,” Conway said. Echoing that thought, President Trump tweeted Tuesday morning: “Can’t wait to WELCOME the failing drug dealers and traitors from London back to their old digs for a beating!”

The rest of the league seemed surprised and disturbed by this development. “Trump has his own stadium in town, though I can see why he wouldn’t want to play in that dump of a dome,” said Commissioner Jim McMahon.

Bubbas VP of Fan Success Saddam Hussein, who was sitting next to McMahon at the Club Gitmo Sports Book Sandwich Shop, chimed in: “This is clearly an act of psychological warfare, not to mention a desecration of a space that many of us hold sacred. It was on [Baker owner QCurl] Sharif’s property, after all, that I watched my own execution on TV back in the day.”

Trump’s move isn’t the only recent indignity the Bakers have suffered in the city. When the team returned to Nashville earlier in October for a game against the Black Dogs, the pregame show featured a troupe of 20 “Megging Barry” impersonators – an apparent dig at Bakers’ QB Tom Brady – who danced lewdly to a “God Save the Queens” parody version of the English national anthem. The act created a diplomatic incident with the British government, which demanded a formal apology from the United States.

Gore Urges Black Dogs to Victory in Week 8

After his Beelzebubbas team scored a rare victory at The Dawg House Monday, RB Frank Gore and Bubbas Coach Barry Switzer paid a surprise visit to the East Nashville locker room, FSN has learned.

They offered words of encouragement that were especially meaningful to Gore, a member of the 2008 Black Dogs, the only championship team in league history to finish with a perfect 16-0 record. 

Frank Gore

“This was a great game tonight,” said Gore to the defending league champions. “Now, on behalf of all the 2008 Black Dogs, we want y’all to go tear up that Corsair ass next weekend.” As no one needed to remind the players, the Corsairs have run through the first half of the season with an unblemished 7-0 record.

“We knew all along we couldn’t count on Goodrow,” said Gore, referring to the Village Green’s unexpectedly close bid for an upset win over the Corsairs. “It’s up to y’all. Make it rough on those Jack White boys.”

Speaking to reporters afterward, Switzer said, “It’s just a great privilege to finally get the opportunity to coach in this league, and to come in after the team started off 0-3 and now be tied for first place. Tonight we had the kind of old-school, slobberknocker game between two traditional powers that scored nearly 400 points between them. It was like Ali-Frazier, Cowboys-Redskins, OU-Nebraska, not like this low-scoring 3-D chess [expletive] since the league got all Trumpified. 

“I’m not the only one saying that, either. Mr. Linardo called me tonight. He knows you don’t just pull out your dick at The Dawg House and expect to win. He said, ‘Balance has been restored to the Force.’ I didn’t really understand what he was saying, but I know what he meant.”

Condolence Call Causes Kerfuffle

What was intended as a condolence call from the President of the United States to the public face of the Atlanta Smack Daddies last week has turned into another off-field controversy for the NFFA.

Alge Crumpler

Hours after the Daddies’ QB Carson Palmer left the game with a broken arm, Donald Trump placed a call to the Alge Crumpler, who serves in a consulting and community relations capacity for the team. White House Spokeskank Sarah Huckabee Slanders said Trump meant to commiserate with Smack Daddies’ owner Lex Dominica, whose team has been decimated by injuries this season. As Slanders pointed out, Trump’s own team, The Village Green, lost QB and top draft pick Aaron Rodgers to injury a week earlier — and has not won since.

Crumpler, however, took a different view of the call. “He (Trump) kept babbling about ‘Your guy knew what he was getting into, but I guess it still hurts,’ ” said the former All-NFFA tight end. “He didn’t even know ‘our guy’s’ name. It’s CARSON, bitch! And he totally disrespected the fact that our team is under the Dominica curse. People here are hurting, and he’s just running that punkass mouth. And Sarah Slanders? Don’t get me started on that thing. That’s Baghdad Bob in a toesack dress.”

Despite repeated attempts, Smack Daddies owner Dominica could not be reached for comment.

BREAKING: MOJO D WON'T DENY RODGERS BOUNTY REPORTS

This 2015 photo from South Carolina went viral after Mojo D's phone was hacked
by "pathetically sloppy Russians under the direct supervision of Donald Trump"

By Soren Bernyn
FSN

Amid allegations by Pres. Donald Trump that he sanctioned a season-ending hit on Village Green QB Aaron Rodgers, Corsairs' GM Mojo D replied "I will hit back soon, and it will be ugly." FSN caught up to Mojo D and Coach Jack White in Amsterdam's Schiphol airport. D added "T-Rump is still pissed about my 50-State Flip-Off Tour, and I am happy to get under that Cheetoh-colored skin any chance I get. But doesn't he have like 600 position to fill and a nuclear war to start? Get a grip, Donald."

When pressing Mojo D on the Rodgers allegations, Jack White stepped into the FSN reporter's space, rammed an index finger into the reporter's chest and snarled: "this is a rough game designed for big boys, and if some pussy-ass sissies can't handle that, they should scurry off to some f*cking ESPN bullsh*t league."

Team handlers then hustled the coach and GM into the Emerald Club. More on this breaking story as it develops.

MOJO D BEHIND RODGERS HIT? Trump lashes out, accuses rival owner of conspiracy

President Trump fires back at reporter Woody Larry during Monday's press conference with Sen. Mitch McConnell.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

During his press conference Monday with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, President Donald Trump accused rival NFFA owner Mojo D of paying a player to injure his team’s All-Star QB, Aaron Rodgers.

“I know he did it,” Trump said of D. “We have it all on tape. It’s all right there, and it’s huge.”

On Sunday, Rodgers suffered a season-ending collarbone injury following a hit by LB Anthony Barr. The injury arguably cost Trump’s Village Green the game last weekend, because Rodgers departed early after scoring just 1.8 points – more than 36 points below his average up to that point in the season. Moreover, the injury means that the Green must face Mojo D’s undefeated Corsair squad this weekend without their most reliable performer.

According to Trump, who had been in the process of answering a reporter’s question about Republican plans for a tax cut, Mojo D promised $1 million in bitcoin to Barr if he could “find a way to get Rodgers out of the game.” 

Asked about his evidence for such a serious accusation, Trump replied that D’s entire conversation with Barr was caught on tape.

“Are you using the government to secretly record the conversations of other NFFA owners?” asked reporter Woody Larry.

“I didn’t say that,” Trump shot back. “I never said that. And to say anymore about it would expose sources and methods. Let’s just say we have great ears. We have the best, most tremendous ears.

“And if you’re suggesting there was something sinister going on here, you want to know what’s sinister?” Trump, now on a roll, continued. “Paying a player who’s not even on your team to injure our star. You know, this is a rough-and-tumble league, and I’m a big man. I know that players in this league sometimes get paid extra for going above and beyond when it comes to certain things. But to pay someone not on your team? That’s morally wrong. 

“That’s just wrong, right, Mitch?” continued Trump, turning toward McConnell.”

“Sad, Mr. President. Profoundly sad,” replied McConnell, shaking his head.

Asked what his next step would be, Trump said, “We’re going to have a big announcement soon, maybe next week. You’ll see.”

Pressed for specifics, the president said, “As you know, our football team has the best president in the league, except for me — Dave Goodrow. By the way, he has told me what a tremendous job I’ve been doing since I came into the NFFA, probably the best ever. I said, ‘Goodrow, what do you think we should do?’ And he said, ‘I want to crush Mojo D.’ That’s where I will leave it. I said, ‘Goodrow, from your lips to God’s ear.’ ”

BAKERS MAY SUE LEAGUE — AGAIN!

The London Bakers are disputing Reshad Jones 38-yard fumble return for a touchdown and are considering legal action to disallow the play.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

The AWP has learned the London Bakers are considering bringing a lawsuit against the NFFA to overturn the results of the team's 9.7-point loss last weekend to the East Nashville Black Dogs. 

According to the AWP's source inside the Bakers organization, the suit would center around what team owner QCurl Sharif is calling the "great gridiron robbery" that occurred in Miami on Sunday when officials blew a call that resulted in 12.8 points for the Black Dogs and cost the Bakers the win. On the play in question, East Nashville safety Reshad Jones picked up what looked like an incomplete pass and ran it 38 yards into the end zone. A stunned Sharif looked on in disbelief when the officiating crew ruled it a fumble and a touchdown. "You don't fumble the [expletive] ball 15 yards in the air down the field," Sharif said after the game.

The source went on to say if the Bakers decide to sue the league, they would file the lawsuit in the court of federal judge Naomi Morningstar, a close personal friend of Sharif. While their friendship — which might be more accurately characterized as intimate — would seem to favor the Bakers, since the team's move to London last season, Morningstar has been seen in the company of Black Dogs owner and U.S. Senate candidate Bill Money, including at a number of recent campaign events. This reporter overheard Money's daughter and Dogs GM Mo Money refer to the judge as her "future stepmom."

If they go forward with the lawsuit, it will not be the first time the Bakers have sued the league. In 2014, they brought a lawsuit to annul the entire season.

More on this story as it develops.

JUICE LOOSE IN NFFA! Bubbas dedicate game ball to new RB coach O.J. Simpson

In an emotional speech that brought tears to the eyes of some players, new RB coach O.J. Simpson thanked the Bubbas giving him the game ball following the team's first win of the 2017 season.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

In his press briefing on Tuesday, Saddam Hussein made an announcement within an announcement: The Beelzebubbas had dedicated the game ball from their first victory of the season to running backs coach O.J. Simpson.

Based on the startled reactions from reporters, several of whom inadvertently did spit-takes with their complementary margaritas, no one in the media had been aware that Simpson had joined the team’s staff.

Peppered by a barrage of questions, Hussein explained that the team had worked out an arrangement with officials in Florida, who had sought to prevent Simpson from taking up residence in their state, whereby “The Juice” would live at Club Gitmo and be employed by the Bubbas.

“He’s a great mentor to our stable of young running backs,” said Saddam, who noted that it was no coincidence that LeVeon Bell and Ezekiel Elliott turned in their best performances this year in the first game that Simpson was on the sidelines. “Everybody wanted him to have the game ball.

“He’s just a great teacher,” Hussein said. “Our backs are already a lot better at slashing and cutting just from listening to him.

“Besides that, the guy is fun to be around. I used to watch him on TV back in Iraq. I never dreamed he’d be a colleague. Sometimes I have to pinch myself when I think that [Commissioner Jim] McMahon and I are sitting next to O.J. Simpson sipping Glenlivet at the McMahonistan Bar. This is why I love America!”

Hussein said that team owner Mos Ded had been intrigued by an offer from Simpson to show his gratitude for hiring him. After the season ends, Saddam explained, O.J. promised to work to find the real killer of Manuel “Short Eyes” Linardo, the murdered son of NFFA founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo. “Our team is getting a huge public figure and a private dick,” Hussein said. “We call that ‘win-win.’”

Hussein promised reporters a special treat at next Tuesday’s briefing. They would be able to sample a new concoction that Master Mixologist Devlin Redd was developing in Simpson’s honor. Though he declined to disclose the ingredients, Hussein said the new beverage had a name: The Juice. 

“It is killer,” he said with a smile. Then he yelled “¡Adios, borachos! And out he went.