BROAD NEW POWERS FOR MONEY
Seen as Move to Check Sea Hogs
FSN EXCLUSIVE
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network
The NFFA’s executive committee has voted to give broad new powers to Commissioner William D. Money in a move that some critics say could turn the league into a dictatorship.
The executive committee, whose membership is secret, met Sunday at 2 a.m. at the NFFA Tower in downtown Nashville, according to a source who demanded to remain anonymous for reasons of this reporter’s personal security (“You could face rendition to Syria,” the source said.)
The precise nature of the powers granted to the commissioner also is secret, according to the source.
The mysterious source, who has clandestinely met several times with FSN and has become known as “Deep Ball,” said that Money’s request for secret new powers should be seen as a move to check the growing power of Triki Bobber, who is seen by many as a threat to the instability of the league. Bobber, who was linked to two separate plots to kill fellow NFFA owners last year and who reportedly insists that his underlings refer to him as “Count Blofeld,” was described by Deep Ball as “criminally insane.” The source went on to say Bobber will do "absolutely anything" to get the one that has eluded him — an NFFA championship ring.
In 2005-2006, Bobber also allegedly held Money’s daughters, Mo and Cash, as sex slaves aboard his yacht, the Fatal Attraction II, where they were paired with players of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs during team parties. The Money sisters claim that Bobber forced them to go by the names of “Bambi” and “Thumper,” after female characters in a James Bond film, while imprisoned at sea.
“You have to understand,” Deep Ball said, “that the kidnapping of his daughters was a ‘9-11’ moment for the commissioner. It changed everything. Now he believes the NFFA has to be part of a global war on terror.”
U.S. Senator Larry Craig of Idaho has called on the State Department to label the Sea Hogs as a terrorist organization. He also called for installing more men’s restrooms to create “potty parity” at stadium on Fidalgo Island.
To finance the NFFA’s anti-terror efforts, according to Deep Ball, Commissioner Money plans to increase fines against league owners for small rules violations. For example, this week Money levied fines of $10,000 on the Alamo Scouts and $25,000 on the Cambridge Animals for failing to submit a list of their “keeper” players by the posted deadline. FSN has learned he also plans to fine the Animals $5,000 for failing to return one of his phone calls within 24 hours.
While the executive committee overwhelmingly approved the new powers for Money, others feared that the secret new structure concentrated too much authority in Money’s hands. “This is how tyranny begins,” said Faustino "Skip" Linardo, former Fan Relations Director for the Beelzebubbas and son of NFFA founder Jorge Linardo. “It’s just like Star Wars all over again.”
Ever since reports of the executive committee meeting began to circulate at the Cherry Bomb Café on Monday, speculation as to the identities of the committee members has been intense. Attention has focused on Beelzebubbas owner Boyd X. Biggs and Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica, both of whom were seen with Money on Saturday afternoon, and on Bakers’ owner G.Q. Denney. Efforts to reach Biggs and Dominica were unsuccessful on Tuesday. Denney, who spoke briefly to FSN, said he had "no memory" of last weekend.
