BIGGS’ GHOST REMAINS SIDELINED FOR PLAYOFFS Rebuffed by 'Bubbas, ex-coach turns to predictions and tell-all books

The ghost of Boyd X. Biggs was recently photographed hanging out
at The Cherry Bomb Cafe with hidden infrared cameras.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

FSN has learned that the ghost of Boyd X. Biggs reached out to the Beelzebubbas organization on Thursday morning, requesting that he be allowed to resume his former coaching duties. Team sources, however, said that Charles Woodson would remain as interim head coach “for the foreseeable future.”

Biggs’ ghost apparently sent his proposal via text message to Jorgé Linardo, the team’s CEO Emeritus and Biggs’ mentor. According to a source who had seen the message, Biggs said that, while he was enjoying life on the other side, it “lacked the excitement” of the NFFA. “There’s no violence,” complained Biggs, “and all the stuff that QCurl [Sharif] told me about 70 virgins was bullsh*t. Turns out there were some 70-year-OLD virgins. Which would have been OK if they’d been nuns, but they weren’t.”

Describing himself as a “restless spirit,” Biggs wrote that he’d like to return to the sidelines for the Bubbas’ playoff run.

“Dr. Linardo and I don’t think this is a good idea,” said Bubbas’ Community Outreach Coordinator Anton Chigur. “The team got hot when Biggs died, and we don’t want to mess with the fragile chemistry. (Messing with chemistry is for the Animals.) Dr. L is trying to work something out where maybe Biggs can inhabit the body of Mo Money — I mean, it’s not like he hasn’t been in there before — and coach the Sea Hogs.” Otherwise, said Chigur, Biggs would continue in his role as “freelance volunteer scout” for the team.

In an exclusive interview with FSN, the first since his demise, Biggs described himself as disappointed by the news, but said that “death goes on” and that he would stay involved in other pursuits. He said he’s working on a new book, Who’s Gay in Paradise, and is devoting some of his spare time to “helping OJ find the real killer.” He also promised to “blow the lid off this whole Bermuda Triangle thing,” but is waiting “until the price is right” to sell the story to media organizations.

Still, said Biggs, he hasn’t adjusted to his new lifestyle. “There are advantages and disadvantages to no longer needing physical sustenance,” he philosophized. “Right now I’d give my left nut for a Touchdown Taser™.”

Asked specifically to comment on Dave the Animal’s claim that God was bringing about the end of the world in retribution for the Bakers’ playoff-clinching victory over his team, Biggs said the information appeared to be false. Instead, he confirmed the accuracy of the Mayan long-count calendar, which predicts the world will end in December 2012. “I was talking the other day to Quetzlcoatl, who had been to a barbecue with some of the Mayan pantheon, so I have this on good authority,” Biggs explained. “In 2012, the Animals will finish the regular season 14-0 and breeze through the first round of the playoffs. Then, before they can close out the championship, the world blows up like some giant meth lab. Quetz says that would be some funky karma, if ,of course there were such a thing as karma.”

MCMIZZLE DEPLOYS 'MAJOR JUJU' AGAINST BEELZEBUBBAS Mayan shaman named assistant coach for playoffs

New Black Dogs assistant coach Don Carlos, shown here outside
the team's East Nashville headquarters, is in charge of juju.


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Earlier this week, West Nashville executive Chuck Barris said, "If you want to be the shizzle, you have to beat McMizzle."

He was referring, of course, to East Nashville Black Dogs head coach Jizzle McMizzle, the winningest coach in NFFA history, who the Beelzebubbas face in the opening round of the championship playoffs at the Dog House this weekend.

In five seasons, McMizzle has compiled an unmatched resume, which includes a 51-19 regular season record (.729 winning percentage), five consecutive Jorge division titles, and two NFFA championships, including last year's perfect 16-0 team.

Barris also noted recently that "the Black Dogs are still respected, but they are no longer feared." McMizzle would be the first to admit his injury-ridden 2009 squad is not the equal of the undefeated 2008 team. Maybe that's why he brought a new assistant coach on board for the playoffs, a genuine Mayan shaman named Don Carlos.

In announcing the hire, McMizzle said in a written statement, "Coach Don Carlos will be in charge of juju, and we need some major juju after losing three of our final four regular-season games."

The Don's hiring would appear to have already paid dividends. He was on the sideline last night when the Black Dogs grabbed a big lead over the 'Bubbas behind a 31-point performance by Dogs running back Maurice Jones-Drew.

Jones-Drew was seen huddling with Coach Don Carlos throughout the game, and drinking some clear liquid from a Mason jar. When asked what was in the Mason jar, McMizzle said the liquid was something called pox (pronounced posh with a long "o"), a corn elixer brought by the shaman from his native Guatemala.

According to a league official, pox is not a banned substance in the NFFA.

Mojo D: “The Mojo will win the division”

 Mojo D carries this photo of Tirik Obobber (a.k.a. Bob Hitler, c. 1988) in his briefcase for those times when he "must generate the fury of a thousand white-hot suns..."

Mojo D: “The Mojo will win the division”

By Soren Bernyn, FSN
After several weeks incommunicado, Midtown Mojo owner/coach/GM Mojo D sat down to discuss his team’s recent reversal of fortune – a three-game win streak at a point in the season when it appeared meaningless – his enduring contempt for the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, and the Midtown Mojo’s improbable run at the 2009 NFFA Championship.

Asked if he was disappointed with his team this year, he replied “Hell no! I am psyched! We’re in a position to win the Linardo division!! Nothing would please me more than to sweep the Sea Hogs, make them my bitch for this season, and end up with a 5-1 record in the division. After we win our division this week, the playoff push begins and it couldn’t come at a better time for the Mojo.” 

Wait a minute: the playoffs? “Sure – the team is ready – performing at their highest level all season.” Reminded that his team’s record would be 6-8 with a win this week, he threw his head back and laughed silently. Then added, “OK – stay with me, boy, while I connect the dots for you. With a 5-1 record in the Linardo Division, the Mojo are the best team in the division. The rules state: 

'Four teams qualify for the championship playoffs: the two division champions and two wild-card teams...'

"There is no specific description of how a team becomes division champion, and we contend that it’s the team with the best record among division opponents. Our legal team has prepared a case that we will present to the league office, based on the Week 14 outcome."

Unprompted, Mojo D launched into a rant about the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs and their “criminally insane” owner, Tirik Obobber, whom Mojo D refers to only as “Bob Hitler,” one of Obobber’s many past identities – this one as leader of a white-power group in the western US (photo above).

“Anybody who refutes that is just chicken-sh*t because they don’t want to face a streaking Mojo in the playoffs – yes, I’m talking to the FISH! It’s exactly the kind of thing that will get Bob Hitler’s panties in a wad. People underestimate exactly how dangerous he is – mostly to himself, but dangerous nonetheless. At least Fidalgo Island is out there – literally and figuratively – on the fringe of the country, so the collateral damage is reduced."

Undeterred, an unusually lucid Mojo D continued, “My problem is a guy who takes himself too seriously. You can’t really have fun that way, and it brings the whole league down. I’ve been getting calls of support from other owners all week -- starting with the ghost of Biggs -- telling me to f*ck him up.”

The return of Biggs’ ghost has influenced a number of teams’ victories, most notably the Mojo’s. “Actually, Biggs’ ghost just said ‘Go the distance’ – I thought ‘what the hell? Am I freakin’ Kevin Costner now?’ The really strange part is that Mojo Jojo keeps getting these voice-mails, but doesn’t own a phone.”

 

SUBDUED, TENSE BACCHANAL GOES ON WITHOUT BIGGS, HAMILTON Ominous signs, but fears of violence unrealized

George Clinton and the P-Funk All-Stars tore the roof off
the sucka at the fifth annual Bacchanal to the Future.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

The largest Bacchanal crowd ever turned out last week for the most subdued Bacchanal To The Future in the five-year history of the event.

In the wake of the sudden and gruesome death of Bacchanal cofounder Boyd X. Biggs — and with police investigators viewing the other cofounder, QCurl Sharif, as a suspect — festival organizers almost decided to pull the plug on the annual gala. But a cell phone call from the ghost of Biggs to Bakers’ PR Maven Faith Popcorn, in which Biggs allegedly expressed his wish for the Bacchanal to continue, enabled the show to go on, albeit in a scaled-down, one-day form.

Ticket sales exceeded 250,000 for the event, but police estimated the crowd in Centennial Park at nearly 300,000. Absent was the traditional “birth of Venus” ceremony that kicked off the Bacchanal in years past. Missing, too, were the chariot races in the Nashvegas Hippodrome that the Bakers and Beelzebubbas jointly built and donated to the city. Missing, too, was Haven Hamilton, who emceed every Bacchanal since the event began in 2004. Hamilton died earlier this year. Festival organizers billed this year’s gathering as a tribute to both Hamilton and Biggs, whom 'Bubbas’ PR Director Chuck Barris described as “martyrs for peace.”

In a money-saving move, Nashvegas mayor Karl Dean announced that the city’s annual Christmas parade would be combined with the Bacchanal. As the parade ended at Centennial Park, Grand Marshal Charlie Rotier, dressed as Santa, walked to the Parthenon steps and launched the Bacchanal, as Hamilton always had done, by leading the crowd in the Pledge of Allegiance. Then, strapping on a waiting Jet-Pack, Rotier rocketed across the park to his review stand on the roof of the Athlon Building.

In tribute to Biggs, a lone bagpiper played “House of the Rising Sun” to begin the show. Then Al “Buck Dharma” Roeser — a Bakers’ season ticket holder — led a reunited Blue Oyster Cult in an hour-long jam version of “Don’t Fear the Reaper.”

In one of the highlights of the afternoon, Beelzebubbas’ Community Relations Director Anton Chigur joined Ray Manzarek and the Doors as they performed the songs from the band’s “L.A. Woman” LP in sequence. Chigur, who provided lead vocals, told the crowd that “Break on Through” was Biggs’ favorite song, and that the late 'Bubbas’ owner and Dr. Jorgé Linardo loved to sing it together as they cruised the streets of Nashvegas in Linardo’s blood-red Lincoln Navigator.

Dave the Animal joined the Doors for “The Crystal Ship,” apparently as part of a promotion for his Methlon organization. During the performance of the song, a replica of a sailing ship made of translucent fiberglass and bearing the Methlon logo appeared on Lake Watauga. Crew members used large slingshots to hurl goodie bags from the Animal’s Crystal and Cracky D’s restaurants into the receptive crowd.

The set concluded as a large video screen played sometimes violent images from Biggs’ Waziristan safari during “The End” — a song that Chigur said had changed his life for good when he first heard it at age seven.

In a surprise move, Amy Winehouse, aka QGurl Sharis, next took the stage and performed an acoustic version of John Lennon’s “Woman Is the Nigger of the World.” Then she launched into “Imagine,” changing the lyrics twice to sing “Imagine there’s no 'Bubbas” and “Imagine there’s no Snoop Dogg” — drawing prolonged boos on both occasions.

The mood nearly turned violent when Peter Gabriel performed his “Shock the Monkey” — an allusion perhaps to Mojo Jojo or to Nefarious George, a chimpanzee associated with several members of the Bakers’ organization. “Kill the monkeys!” the crowd began chanting as the song ended, before Chigur finally took the microphone and calmed them down by saying, “Patience, friends, there’s a time and place for everything.” Sharif, for his part, did not follow his usual custom of appearing onstage, but watched the show from the VIP box with Rotier atop the Athlon Building. Security was said to be heavy.

The concert reached another flashpoint during the three-song set of Memphis-based Dr. Krunkenstein, who had been linked last year with an alleged assassination attempt on Commissioner William D. Money. After performing a brand new song, titled “Q-cifixion,” frontman Vernon “Krunkalicious” Weathers held up a photo of Sharif, tore it in half and shouted, “Fight the real power!” Then he produced a 9mm pistol that had been concealed under his shirt and pointed it in the general direction of the Athlon Building. Security guards quickly swarmed the stage and surrounded Weathers. Barris later explained that the band’s gesture was simply a “publicity stunt” to promote their new CD, Q-Capper. Said Barris: “It’s all good.”

Throughout the afternoon, there were other ominous signs of continuing tension, including one that read: “Biggs’ Jesus Kicks Shiva’s Monkey Ass” and “Nuke Midtown.”

Afterward, the ghost of Biggs issued an official statement via Twitter announcing he wished for peace and that “I know in my dead, gray, decaying heart that my friend QCurl could never have done the Janus-faced things that all those reliable sources all say he did.”

Near the end of the abbreviated concert, Bacchanal regular and Biggs confidante George Clinton announced that he would conduct a “funk funeral” for Biggs and Hamilton. He and the P-Funk All-Stars launched into “Give Up the Funk (Tear the Roof Off the Sucka)” as they led many of the assembled crowd out of the park and down Natchez Trace toward the site of the burned-out Jojo-a-Go-Go, where Biggs met his death.

When they reached the site in Hillsboro Village, still marked off by yellow police tape, they were startled to see Bubbas’ season ticket holder John Doe (who took the name for his former band from Biggs’ middle initial) atop the adjoining Belmont Methodist Church. After performing his sentimental “Just a Little More Time,” Doe was joined by Fergie for an acoustic version of the Troggs’ “Love Is All Around,” which Sharif himself had once performed at the wedding of his friend Furious George. Witnesses reported that Sharif sobbed uncontrollably upon hearing the song and had to be sedated with four Touchdown Tazers™ and three Demerol chasers. On the dark, overcast afternoon, many in the crowd held up lighters and cellphones and sang along as Doe and Fergie performed “Will the Circle Be Unbroken?” — the traditional close for the Bacchanal.

“All things considered, it was pretty amazing,” said Popcorn afterward. “We didn’t have Biggs, who traditionally did all the heavy lifting on the logistics. We didn’t have Haven, who provided the glue (literally). And QCurl, who is the spiritual force behind all this, was mostly AWOL for obvious reasons. It was worse than we hoped but better than we expected. We just give thanks to Shiva.”

BAKERS WIN!

Bakers' fans let their team know they were behind them -- literally -- during this weekend's divisional clash with the Black Dogs. A weeping and dehydrated 12th Ave. coach Snoop Dogg was hospitalized after the win.

By FAITH POPCORN
Bakers PR Director

NASHVILLE-- The NFFA wild-card race became even more dramatic after the 12th Ave. Bakers' defeat of the Jorge Division-leading East Nashville Black Dogs last night, setting up perhaps the wildest season finales in league history next week.

Bakers head coach Snoop Dogg collapsed immediately following the game and was taken later to a local hospital and treated for dehydration. He claimed to have been frightened all weekend by QCurl Sharif's claims of having been visited by the ghost of former Beelzebubba's coach and GM, Boyd X. Biggs.

"This shit has got to stop," said Dogg as he was being evaluated by trainers in the giddy locker room. "Shiva is always dropping some heavy scene on us every week ...my man QCurl has been accused of all kinds of atrocities, and yet we keep our dobber up and fight like hell every game.

"It's a tribute to the organization and to the Baker Nation. We'd especially like to thank our motivational coach Purple Owlsley this week for the air drop over the stadium ... I think the fans were trippin so hard by the fourth quarter that it intimidated Ray Rice."

Sharif was less circumspect following the victory.

"It wasn't Biggs; it wasn't Shiva; and it wasn't the acid," he said while riding the back of a yellow dragon south on 12th Ave., headed to a post-game party at the rollicking Cherry Bomb Cafe´. "It's just the fact that we dug our heels in and beat that ass."

Sharif was met by a pulsating mob thereafter and was last seen being led in a shimmering gold robe to mount a jewel-encrusted Egyptian barge. Some reports claimed he was embraced there by a high priest bearing a striking resemblance to the late Baker great, Steve McNair.

Another of Tirik's Tirades

The Problem with JoJo

By Tirik Obobber
Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs

As poorly qualified as I am to institute change, I hope you will bear with me while I begin this sincere and earnest attempt. And please don't get mad with me if, in doing so, I must contribute to the intellectual and spiritual health of the body politic.

Let me preface my discussion by quickly reasserting a familiar theme of my previous blogs and postings: If JoJo the Monkey bites me I will bite back. I have never read anything he has written that I would consider wise, logical, pertinent, reasonable, or scientific.

JoJo's statement that he can scare us by using big words like "orangatangulation" and "chimpanzeefication" is no exception. What's more, he sometimes uses the word "anti-anthropomorphism" when describing his projects. Beware! This is a buzzword designed for emotional response.

So, sorry for being so long-winded in this blog, but JoJo's assertion that his philosophies are based on the theory of evolution serves only to illustrate his ignorance and poorly hidden bigotry.

That's all for now. Pax vobiscum.

Another of Tirik's Tirades

- - My complaint with MOJO D

By Tirik Obobber
Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs

I am writing on behalf of myself and a few of my friends to state that Mojo D's philippics are the direct result of a policy of abandonment and neglect.

Before I start, however, I should state that to understand what Mojo's particularly self-indulgent form of snobbism has encompassed as a movement and as a system of rule, we have to look at its historical context and development as a form of insecure politics that first arose in early twentieth-century Europe in response to rapid social upheaval, the devastation of World War I, and the Bolshevik Revolution.

Admittedly, I feel that there is more wisdom to be found in three of Aesop's fables than in the sum total of everything that Mojo has ever written. But that's because some of my acquaintances express the view that Mojo's tirades do not pass muster by any objective standards. Others express the view that Mojo loves everybody so much, he wants to rip out the guts of everybody who doesn't love everybody as much as he does. I am prepared to offer a cheer and a half for each view; together, they paint a sufficiently complete picture of Mojo to warrant a full three cheers.

In a nutshell, Mojo D wouldn't be able to lead an active disinformation campaign if he were working on a level playing field.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Another of TIRIK'S TIRADES

Jizzle McMizzle - Where to start???

By Tirik Obobber
Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs

Allow me the honor of giving you a brief lesson in Jizzle McMizzle's many sinful attributes. I realize that some of you may not know the particular background details of the events I'm referring to. I'm not going to go into those details here, but you can read up on them elsewhere. Bestial, dirty hooligans are sharply focused on an immediate goal: to prime the pump of mandarinism. My message is clear: It's impulsive for Jizzle to cause riots in the streets. Or perhaps I should say, it's quixotic.

It is deeply unfortunate that Jizzle has a certain fondness for hedonism-prone scaramouches, because Jizzle's abhorrent imprecations can be quite educational. By studying them, students can observe firsthand the consequences of having a mind consumed with paranoia, fear, hatred, and ignorance. If the past is any indication of the future, he will once again attempt to ruin my entire day. I've left out many criticisms of Jizzle McMizzle from this wailing wall of a blog. Nevertheless, I maintain that it's a start—a philosophical space where we can plant a new flag symbolizing all that is wrong with Jizzle.

Another of TIRIK'S TIRADES

By Tirik Obobber
Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs

There are a number of frightening facts about the NFFA that I absolutely must make public. But before I do I need to go into a fair about of detail explaining how the NFFA likes to launch into nonsensical non sequiturs. Hang in there; this explanation won't take long.

Let's review the errors in the NFFA's statements in order. First, the NFFA makes it its job to force people to act in ways far removed from the natural patterns of human behavior. What a joyful affair it would be for the NFFA if it managed to get away with turning masters of deceit loose against us good citizens. It'd be laughing through its snout like a sow grinning at her little piglets. It'd be chortling at everyone's obliviousness to the fact that one of its most diabolic compeers is the point man in a process of creeping fascistization of our society. And here, I suspect, lies a clue to the intellectual vacuum so gapingly apparent in its strictures.

In closing, please remember that my ultimate goal is to create and nurture a true spirit of community. If I advance, follow me. If I stop, urge me on. If I retreat, kill me.

QGIRL SHARIS GOES PUBLIC; URGES PEACE IN THE STREETS

Sharis has been at the heart of many of the Bakers' front office decisions.

By Faith Popcorn
Bakers PR Director

NASHVEGAS — Following recent days of speculation, troubled singer Amy Winehouse revealed to the press that she is indeed QGirl "Sharis" Sharif, sister of 12th Ave. owner QCurl Sharif.

Sharis made the surprise admission this afternoon at a press conference at the Cherry Bomb Cafe, with her brother at her side. She used the forum to call for peace in the streets that have seen fighting following the bombing of the Jo-Jo-A-GoGo. Midtown Mojo fans have been attempting to destroy the Cherry Bomb in a misguided fit of retaliation.

"As surely as I can stop smoking crack and meth, the Mojo fans can stop attacking innocent people and structures," Sharis said. "Our organization had nothing to do with it, though I understand many of our fans applauded the incident. I think there are residual hard-feelings about the way another monkey appeared on the landscape when Baker fans felt it was a proprietary mascot.

"Still, our organization deplores the current situation and calls for peace."

Following her statement, her brother draped a shroud on her from behind and led her to the bar. For his part, QCurl has seemed shaken by the death of former Beelzebubbas' owner and coach, Boyd X. Biggs, and has kept a low profile after his bid to host a wake for Biggs was rebuffed.

The Bakers stand at 5-3 following last weekend's hard-fought win over the Mojo, and look to improve their record this week against the anemic Alamo Scouts. A 6-3 record would put them solidly in the race for a playoff spot.

"I'm afraid this whole Jo-Jo-A-GoGo thing has distracted us a bit," Bakers head coach Snoop Dogg said after the press conference. "We can't overlook anyone, given our history. And, I, personally, would like to extend the olive branch to Dave the Animal as well. For a divisional brother to feel so hurt that he would side with an outsider ... well, he must really be hurtin'.

"I'm inviting him to hang with me and QCurl in the Treehouse where we can reminisce and apply salve to those wounds. I would also invite the public to join us to witness the applying of the salve. Tickets will be made available at a reasonable price."

Team officials have set the tickets at $200. They may be purchased exclusively online at www.bakersonline.com.

MIDTOWN MOJO MANIAC MARAUDING 12 SOUTH

Metro police try to restore order in the DMZ between Belmont Blvd. and 12th Avenue South.


By Soren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — In the wake of the fiery destruction of the Jojo-A-Go-Go last week, citizens of Midtown are rampaging through the streets between Midtown and 12th Avenue South, home of the Bakers. Stoked by the assertions of Mojo D that the Bakers and GM QCurl Sharif are responsible for the conflagration and ensuing death of Beelzebubbas' Coach/GM Boyd X. Biggs, the Midtown faithful are driving steadily toward Grey Goose stadium, where they hope to corner Sharif and bring him to justice. Midtown GM Mojo D issued a "fatwa" on Sharif, despite the fact he is neither an ayatollah nor a Muslim.

Metro police chief Ronal Serpas has declared a DMZ between Belmont Blvd. and 12 South, but the authorities have been unsuccessful in trying to quell the violence between Mojo and Baker fans. Bakers super-fan Bill Cheatham was defending the Baker perimeter and was unavailable for comment. Stay tuned to FSN for more on this breaking story and developing news on the last tragic days of Boyd X. Biggs.

BIGGS’ DEATH CONFIRMED Business as usual at Beelzebubbas HQ; police investigating Bakers

Boyd X. Biggs, ? - 2009. (AWP FILE PHOTO)


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — The Beelzebubbas organization seemed remarkably unaffected and even upbeat this morning following the explosion and fire at the Jo-Jo-A-Go-Go that apparently killed team owner Boyd X. Biggs.

Police confirmed late Sunday that one body, identified as Biggs, was found in the smoldering ruin of the Midtown nightspot, which is owned by NFFA founder Jorgé Linardo. The identification was based on dental records. Nashvegas police forensics experts said the body, like Biggs, had no natural teeth but a full set of permanent dentures.

At a brief news conference Monday, Beelzebubbas’ Director of Community Relations Anton Chigur said that Biggs had gone to the Jo-Jo-A-Go-Go to demand that the Midtown Mojo stop treating the club as their own, and that they reimburse Dr. Linardo for damage caused by their fans after the Mojo’s first victory of the season two weeks ago.

Chigur also dropped a bombshell on the assembled media. Biggs, he said, had been fired as team coach early Friday afternoon. An announcement had been planned for Saturday, but was postponed after Biggs’ death.

How, one reporter asked, could Biggs have been fired, since he was also owner of the team? Who fired him? “I can’t say,” Chigur replied. “All I know is that he was fired on Friday. That is,” he added with his mouth slightly upturned, “before he apparently got fired the second time.”

No replacement for Biggs has been named. Injured running back Leon Washington handled the coaching duties for Sunday’s game.

Chigur announced that both the team’s offices and Club Gitmo, its unofficial headquarters, would remain open as usual for business. He also said that no memorial service for Biggs had been planned at this point, “although I understand there will be a celebration at the Cherry Bomb Café” — an apparent reference to allegations by the Mojo that the 12th Avenue Bakers were behind the nightclub bombing.

Among Bubbas’ fans, there appeared to be no mourning either. Before Sunday’s game at Colt 45 Field at Colt 45 Stadium, the PA announcer’s request for fans to observe a moment of silence in Biggs’ honor was met by a resounding chorus of boos.

“That’s how he would have wanted it,” said 'Bubbas’ Offensive Coordinator Li’l Wayne. “He didn’t get to where he got by respecting people just because they wuz dead. He believed that when someone died, it just created opportunities, and Biggs believed in creating lots of opportunities, if you know what I’m saying. So, actually, the fans were showing their respect for Biggy by booing that moment of silence bull[expletive].”

Detectives are investigating the possible role of the Bakers in the bombing, said a spokesperson for the Nashvegas police department. A number of people in the team's organization are persons of interest in the investigation, including owner QCurl Sharif and head coach Snoop Dogg.

BREAKING NEWS: EXPLOSION, FIRE DESTROY JOJO-A-GO-GO

An explosion today at the Jojo-A-Go-Go resulted
in a devastating fire. (Inage courtesy of CNN)


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

NASHVEGAS — Late this afternoon, the midtown area was rocked by an explosion and fire at the trendy nightspot, Jojo-A-Go-Go. Nashvegas firefighters were still battling the blaze as of this writing, but the club is likely to be completely destroyed, according to a fire department spokesperson.

Details are still coming in, but here is what is known at this time:

Late this afternoon, after chief bartender Dexter Lowe opened the venue and began setting up for the evening, he was soon joined by Midtown Mojo mascot Mojo Jojo and Boyd X. Biggs, owner-coach of the West Nashville Beelzebubbas.

According to Lowe, it wasn't long before a violent argument broke out between the two. Biggs produced a baseball bat and was brutally beating the monkey when the bartender ran outside in hopes there was a policeman nearby. Just as he left the club, there was a loud explosion and the club burst into flames.

Lowe was thrown to the pavement by the blast, but miraculously, other than a few scrapes and bruises, he was uninjured. "After I gathered myself and realized I had no serious injuries, I tried to go back in the club for the monkey and Mr. Biggs, but the fire was too intense," said the bartender.

According to fire department spokesperson, Barry Heaton, there has been no sign of either Jojo or Biggs.

In what so far appears to be strictly a coincidence, the re-formed White Snake was scheduled to appear at the Jojo-A-Go-Go this evening.

More on this breaking story as it develops.

BAKERS WIN UGLY, PARTY HARD, PRAY HARDER

12th Avenue head coach Snoop Dogg has won more games than any in
Bakers' history. He credits a higher being for his success.

By Faith Popcorn
Bakers PR Director

NASHVILLE — As the clock wound down in the 12th Ave. Bakers' narrow win over Cambridge this past Monday night, head coach Snoop Dogg could be seen shaking hands on the sidelines with each of his players. Tears were streaming down his face.

"This was big for us -- staying alive," he said in the locker room afterward. "We got a big old stinky scalp a couple of weeks ago with the Beelzebubbas, then lost a close one to the Black Dogs — a loss that still hurts. I owe an apology to the Baker Nation and to Drew Brees on that one.

"So, we were against the wall last Monday night with the Animals. In the past, this would have been a game the Bakers would have lost ... but now, there's something in the air around here. I knew Portis would chump it somehow. I called it...I told Money earlier that day that he'd get about 14 carries for 40 yards. He went 14 for 43. That's what Mr. TD used to call 'chump-ass shit.' Now we seem to be heading in the right direction again — even though I haven't been able to find any of the team for practice this week."

Dogg also noted that the shaking of hands on the sidelines was more than a mere show of respect and gratitude — it was the actual passing of 'special Baker artifacts.' These artifacts are given out in lieu of game balls according to the Bakers front office.

"I want my guys to feel the love," said Dogg. "We haven't been scoring lately but we still win ugly. It's a ju-ju thing. Teams don't want to play us because they know we love each other. You can feel the shine when we come out onto the field. I expect them to win — and they are addicted to these artifacts. Then I want them to go home or come down to the Cherry Bomb and get it on, fo' shizzle. That love is part of the secret weapon...

"I talk to Shiva and higher spirits during the season and I receive blessings and an understanding of the cycles of this world. QCurl has joined me on occasion and — trust me — we have seen the glowing jewel. It turns and makes your skin warm. Amy, Michele and Obama are there. My fellow owners are there and I can see right through them."

When asked about the upcoming game with the Midtown Mojo — the hottest scoring team in the league — Snoop grinned. For a moment he seemed lost in time. The grin froze and his eyes rolled up into his head ...

"We know monkeys better than anyone," he said. "The feast begins now."

PORTIS GIMPY AS ANIMALS-BAKERS TILT WINDS DOWN

Cambridge RB Clinton Portis injured himself and left his girlfriend unconscious during this stunt.

By Faith Popcorn
Bakers PR Director

NASHVILLE-- BREAKING NEWS -- Reports from Cambridge are surfacing that Animals RB Clinton Portis has multiple strained groins, calf and ankle injuries following a morning stunt he and his longtime girlfriend performed for school children. He is questionable for tonight's action.

The stunt, which Portis refers to as the "Flying Nun," involved the running back as he would launch his girlfriend into the seats while lying on his back and using his legs for power. It is a stunt Portis had witnessed the owner perform himself with an actual nun at a stag party for the re-animated Fatty Arbuckle. His girlfriend is in critical condition after colliding with a service vehicle at Boston's Sisters of the Poor Elementary School.

A shaken and limping Portis was unavailable for comment following the accident. However, 12th Ave. owner QCurl Sharif expressed shock that Cambridge would allow their players to touch anyone on game days. The Bakers lead the Animals by a scant 5 points as they head into tonight's action.

"I know we keep our players sedate in custom sensory deprivation tanks prior to any game day action," Sharif said from his home today. "We pipe in a little motivational audio and oxygen mix that we think will be helpful, but we allow zero contact with others. These games in this division are huge ... no words to describe the importance of a win — and here I see how they roll in Cambridge. It's insulting when you think about it. I think the other owners would agree. But, all differences aside, I hope he doesn't get hurt any worse or have to leave the game early or anything like that."

NFFA INKS MOVIE DEAL Soderbergh to direct; big names line up for plum parts

Conan O'Brien (QCurl Sharif) and Vern Troyer (Mr. TD) in a
publicity photo for the forthcoming movie about the NFFA.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — Coming in 2011 to a theater near you — NFFA: The Movie.

In a shocking blockbuster deal announced Thursday in a press conference at the Jorgé Linardo-owned nightclub, the Jojo-A-Go-Go, Bob and Harvey Weinstein of Miramax Studios announced they had signed an agreement with the NFFA founder to produce a feature-length film on the league. Financial terms of the deal were not disclosed.

The as yet untitled film is tentatively slated for release in December 2011 — just in time, noted Harvey Weinstein, for Oscar consideration. Steven Soderbergh will direct. Shooting will begin in May on location in Nashvegas. “We don’t have a script yet,” said Weinstein, “but we have a helluva story. It will practically write itself. We have an amazing director and an all-star cast that would make DeMille break out in hives.”

The movie will star:

Tom Skerritt as Jorgé Linardo
Conan O'Brien as QCurl Sharif (David Straithairn reportedly turned down the role)
Samuel L. Jackson as The Animal
Anthony Hopkins as Tirik Obobber
Joaquin Phoenix as Lex Dominica
Boyd X. Biggs as himself
Matt Damon as Thurman Murrman
LL Cool J as Mojo D
The Voice of James Earl Jones as Commissioner William D. Money

Also starring:

Cloris Leachman as Meemaw Murrman
James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano
Hallie Berry as The Pompatus of Love
Mary Kate Olsen as Mo Money
Ashley Olsen as Cash Money
Rip Torn as Buddy Ryan
Owen Wilson as Faith Popcorn
Gina Gershon as Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Vern Troyer as Mr. TD and Furious George
Robert Downey Jr. as Jizzle McMizzle
Omar Sharif as Shiva
John Goodman as Satan

And featuring:

Woody Harrelson as Devlin Redd
Li’l Wayne as Snoop Dogg
Darrell Hammond as Larry Woody
Julia Roberts as Amy Winehouse
Burt Reynolds as Saddam
Pam Grier as Foxy Brown
Marcello Mastrioni as Giorgio Cardinal Leonardo
Carlos Mencia as Manuel “Short Eyes” Linardo
Danny Glover as George Clinton
Dana Carvey as Haven Hamilton
Danny DeVito as Kim Jong Il
Larry Bud Melman as Joe Biddle
Vince Vaughn as Vince Lombardi
Tom Cruise as Tom Brady
M. Emmett Walsh as Stumpy Legg
Jeff Goldblum as Osama bin Laden
Antonio Banderas as Young Jorgé
John Malkovich as the Hager Twins
Duane “The Rock” Johnson as Steve McNair
Ben Stiller as Joe Namath
Tina Fey as Jenna Bush
Zulu as Kono
Peter O’Toole as General George Washington Leonard
Chuck Barris as Mojo Jojo

Weinstein acknowledged that it was unusual to release the cast before a script had even been developed. “But when they heard this movie was happening,” he said, “the phones started ringing off the hook. If you think the roster is impressive, you should have seen the talent we had to turn down. How do you tell Dame Judy Dench we just don’t have a spot for her? Fortunately, the whole cast agreed to work for scale, so we could keep the production budget under $100 million.”

RYAN CALLS SHARIF A 'GRAVE ROBBER'

QCurl Sharif: World leader or grave robber? Buddy Ryan (inset) thinks the latter.


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Maybe East Nashville GM Buddy Ryan got up on the wrong side of the bed. Or maybe he was hungover. Whatever the reason, at his weekly press breakfast yesterday morning, Ryan went nuclear on QCurl Sharif and his 12th Avenue Bakers team.

"Am I the only [expletive] person who remembers that the so-called QCurl Sharif, media darling and would-[expletive]-be world leader, used to be G.Q. Denney, a worthless drug addict, mad scientist, and presumed grave robber," Ryan asked the blurry-eyed members of the media gathered at the East Nashville Shoney's across from the Dog House. "G.Q. robbed mother[expletive] graves! Are you following me here, people?" It has long been rumored that Sharif has a zombie corral in Howenwald, Tenn., where he reanimates the dead — usually deceased celebrities.

"And his teams used to set the [expletive] standard for futility in this league," Ryan continued. "He couldn't buy a [expletive] win, and believe me, he tried."

When asked why he going off on Sharif at this particular time, Ryan said, "If I had to give you all the reasons QCurl Sharif makes me puke, this press breakfast would run into the dinner hour."

When one member of the media asked if Ryan was just trying to get inside Sharif's head in advance of this weekend's game with the Bakers, he shuddered visibly at the thought, then said, "Jesus [expletive] Christ, now that would truly be a scary, [expletive] place to be."

For the remainder of the press event, the Black Dogs exec repeatedly referred to Sharif as "G.Q.," as if he might conjure up the losing spirit of the old Q.

Following the breakfast, this reporter was reminded that the bad blood between Ryan and Sharif dated back to the night of the Black Dogs first championship in 2005, when both men were arrested for streaking down Woodland Street. The GM claimed to have been drugged.

When asked for comment regarding Ryan's remarks, Bakers media maven Faith Popcorn said, "We're not concerned with the ravings of a convicted pedophile."

It should be noted that Ryan was not actually convicted of pedophilia, only arrested as a suspect.

ANIMALS TEST-LAUNCH Q-2 League warned of ‘awesome awesomeness’; panic ensues in NashVegas

Copy of the Animals lineup card showing two starting quarterbacks.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — In a development that threatens to shake the NFFA to its core, the Cambridge Animals have apparently made good on the promise of owner Dave the Animal to initiate his new two-quarterback, “Q-2” lineup for week six.

Early Tuesday, the NFFA commissioner’s office received from the Animals front office a routine email that is automatically generated whenever a team submits or changes its lineup. League personnel quickly noted something unique about this particular email: It listed two quarterbacks, Jay Cutler and Matt Shaub, in the starting lineup. NFFA rules permit only one quarterback in the lineup, and proprietary software blocks users from inserting another quarterback as a utility player.

“[The email] raised a red flag right away,” said one low-level NFFA staffer, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “The Animals never submit a lineup until Sunday morning — if then. That’s what made us take a closer look, and then we noticed the two quarterbacks.”

Because quarterbacks typically are the highest scoring players in a team’s lineup each week, the ability to add a second quarterback would provide an enormous advantage.

According to a time-stamp on the e-mail, within minutes of its arrival at the NFFA Tower, FSN received a statement from the Animals’ organization. It read in part: “This morning, we have successfully test-launched our revolutionary new Q-2 System that will guarantee a championship for the Animals in 2009. We will go live with the full system on Sunday morning, resulting in nuclear annihilation of the Beelzebubbas. There is nothing that the pathetic worms of the NFFA can do except stand in awe of The Animals’ awesome awesomeness.”

The news of the apparently successful test-launch was greeted with a mix of fear, loathing and skepticism around the league. Oddsmakers at the sports books in the Cherry Bomb Café and Club Gitmo refused to accept bets on the Animals-Bubbas game. In 12 South, panic-stricken crowds took to the streets, where many Baker Nation fans were seen weeping openly as others began praying to Shiva.

Black Dogs’ GM Buddy Ryan turned ashen-faced, then purple with rage, after hearing the news from a reporter, and could be heard over a phone line shouting, “Somebody look up the number for the [expletive] Geek Squad in the phone book and get the mother[expletive]s over here to check this [expletive] [expletive] out!”

Reached by phone in his secure bunker, Commissioner William D. Money said, “I am shocked. I didn’t even know we used software. My assistants told me we were using some guys in India who compiled all the data for $2 an hour to help us keep costs down for the owners.”

At the Beelzebubbas’ offices, coach Boyd X. Biggs sounded more doubtful. “Smells like a bunch of bull-mess to me,” Biggs said. “You meth-heads must be consuming so much of the Animals’ product that you’d believe anything.”

Media reaction was more sensational. “Animals Rock NFFA’s World” ran the headline crawl on FOX News. “DTA Cements Genius Reputation,” read a headline in the Boston Globe, referring to Dave the Animal as an acronym. “Q-2? Unmoeglich!” blared the header on the website of Germany’s Frankfurter Zeitung.

League officials have been frantically, but unsuccessfully thus far, attempting to find a way to prevent the Animals from inserting a second QB into a lineup on Sunday. Nor, said the inside source, have they had any luck determining how the Animals may have hacked into the league’s software. “We’re just in rumbling-fumbling-stumbling mode, right now,” said the software engineer. “We may be dealing with a superior technology.”

FSN will have more details on this story as they become available.

NFFA NOTES & NOTABLES Mojo D on ‘protective watch’ despite magazine’s rosy predictions

Methlon's NFFA Preview picks the 12th Avenue Bakers to win it all.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — Methlon's 2009 NFFA Preview — the first team-by-team look at the Nashvegas Fantasy Football League — hit the stands Friday just in time for week five of the season.

Publishers of the slick, 188-page magazine, produced by the Cambridge-based M.I.T. Enterprises, acknowledged that “distribution problems” caused the inaugural edition of the magazine to be later than expected. “We have a great distribution system,” said Daniel David, Chief Operating Officer. “But we had some heavier than anticipated orders for other products we distribute.

“Like the Animal jokes, it was a snamu — situation normal, all methed up. But we’ll get this fixed.”

Methlon’s NFFA Preview predicts that the Midtown Mojo will meet the 12th Avenue Bakers in the league’s championship game, with QCurl Sharif’s franchise capturing its first NFFA crown. The magazine also projected that the Alamo Scouts would defeat the Atlanta Smack Daddies for third place.

MOJO D PLACED ON 'PROTECTIVE WATCH'

With the Mojo mired in an 0-4 season-starting slump, outgoing Commissioner William D. Money has ordered that team owner Mojo D be placed on what Money called a “preemptive" suicide watch.

"We care about the safety of all our team owners — or at least nearly all,” said Money who is to step down on October 31. The Mojo’s team plane, which Mojo D admits using to “dump players from the roster,” has been grounded by Money until October 18.

The commissioner expressed particular concern because the Mojo’s opponent this weekend, the Alamo Scouts, had set a lineup and appear to be making an effort to win. “It looks challenging for the Mojo,” Money said. “I guess the good news is that one of these two teams is going to get its first win, like it or not.”

GINN MISSING, ON UNABLE TO PERFORM LIST

Beelzebubbas’ WR/KR Ted Ginn Jr. has not been seen at team practices since Tuesday, when he showed up for a reunion party held for members of the undefeated 2008 Black Dogs’ squad, to mark the end of the 'Bubbas’ bid for a perfect season, the last team without a loss. Two witnesses told this reporter they last saw Ginn on an elevator going down at the Bubbas’ Club Gitmo complex.

Team spokesman Chuck Barris said he did not know Ginn’s whereabouts and denied suggestions that team founder Jorgé Linardo was angered by Ginn’s attendance at a party celebrating his own team’s defeat. “I think it was bad form,” said Barris, “but we all have to deal with disappointment in our own way.” Ginn was placed on the team’s Unable to Perform list on Friday morning, but Barris declined to elaborate. Barris also denied rumors that quarterback Eli Manning had been waterboarded to distract him from the pain of his plantar fasciatis and help him get ready to start on Sunday.

CHERRY BOMB SET TO REOPEN Coincides with Bakers-Bubbas clash and Bacchanal preview party

Libyan security forces patrol Quaddafi's Bedouin tent in Sevier Park.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

12 SOUTH — Just in time for the season’s first meeting between the Bakers and Beelzebubbas, the hallowed Cherry Bomb Café will reopen its doors this Friday — and host what organizers have dubbed as a “Bacchanal Preview Party.”

The guest list for the fund-raising event — proceeds help defray costs for the rebuilding of the club — is a closely held secret. However, rumors swirled this week that among the attendees will be First Lady Michelle Obama, who previously had been a guest of Bakers’ owner QCurl Sharif for a draft night party in late August.

Other rumored invitees include longtime Bakers’ ticket holders Jack and Frank May, Nashvegas Mayor Karl Dean, David Letterman, Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi, Adam Dread, Keith Urban, Nicole Kidman, Congressman Steve Cohen, Joe Namath, the Duchess of Kent, Tom Arnold, Marsha Blackburn and Tony Dorsett. Dorsett is said to be negotiating with the Bakers to become the team’s new Mr. TD mascot in return for dropping a copyright infringement lawsuit against the team.

Some residents of Baker Nation complained that the private party was “undemocratic” and “against all the best Baker traditions,” in the words of superfan Bill Cheatham. Cheatham’s threat to lead a mass demonstration led Bakers’ PR maven Faith Popcorn to issue a statement: “No NFFA team has had a more intimate relationship with its fans, and I mean that in the most intimate sense of the word, than the Bakers and the Baker Nation. The Cherry Bomb is the people’s house. We simply ask for our fans to understand that we wouldn’t have been able to bring back the people’s house without the financial contributions of our VHPs — Very Helpful People.

“That being said — Mr. Cheatham is hereby invited — plus one.”

Along with its much beloved long bar and sports book, the reopened Cherry Bomb will include several new features, including a new wing of the Baker Museum dedicated to former QB Steve McNair and a Turkish bath area open to Black Card members. It was in the old Turkish bath area that McNair would recover and recharge, and the new one dutifully presents his bust as you enter.

The café celebrates the return of long-time chief mixologist Devlin Redd with two new drinks to complement its proprietary Touchdown Taser™. One, which Redd is said to have concocted for an Amy Winehouse-hosted birthday bash for Sharif, is known as the Mazel Tov Cocktail — a potent mix of Grey Goose with a skim layer of kerosene on top, which is ignited and served flaming. “Adam [Sandler] calls it the Lake Erie, but it doesn’t sound as festive, and besides, the flaming part is only temporary until the kerosene burns off,” says Redd.

The second new signature drink, which will be available only following Bakers’ wins, is known as the Seventh Seal. “It’s a little like a 7 & 7,” explained Redd, “but with some secret ingredients for extra kick. I can say the words absinthe and ether.

"Let’s just say it’s a revelation, and ‘revelation’ is not a word we use lightly around here.”

Sharif will personally cut the ribbon for the new facility after team officials discovered his whereabouts on Monday. Sharif had last been seen passed out in the party tent of Qaddafi outside New York City, where the Bakers’ owner had addressed the United Nations General Assembly. Somehow, as the Libyan leader’s camp was packed, Sharif apparently was flown to Tripoli, where he was informed of his team’s two consecutive losses as a traditional “sheep’s eyeball feast” was held in his honor. Sharif and Qaddafi arrived by private jet on Tuesday night, and the latter’s Bedouin tent was erected in Sevier Park.

In a rare public appearance, league founder and Beelzebubbas’ Chairman Dr. Jorgé Linardo will attend the grand opening along with his fianceé, actress January Jones. Beelzebubbas’ coach Boyd X. Biggs will lead the invocation, followed by a moment of silence for longtime Bacchanal emcee, Haven Hamilton, who died in September. “It won’t be the same without Haven,” Biggs said, “but death goes on.”

Mojo Jojo Returns to Midtown!

"The original inspiration for the Midtown Mojo is back" -- simian super-villain Mojo Jojo


Mojo Jojo Returns to Midtown!

By Soren Bernyn, FSN

Nearly two years since he left the Midtown NFFA franchise that bears his name, the simian super-villain Mojo Jojo has returned as the team's "heart and soul," according to Mojo D.

At the team's latest media availability at the newly remodeled Jojo-A-Go-Go, an abnormally jubilant Mojo D welcomed back Jojo: "Jojo was the original inspiration for this team, and Miss Lee-Yhn suggested -- nay, demanded -- his return. She pointed out to me: our record has been 3-15 since we sent Jojo away - coincidence?" Watch highlights from Mojo D's media availability below:

A few tidbits you won't find in the video:
The Mojo resurrected a team tradition by throwing Darren McFadden out of the team plane for scoring zero points. "We broke with tradition at Jojo's request however," Mojo D said. "We used to throw a parachute out after the player, this week we threw out Allen Rossum who also scored a goose egg. That's 4 out the door this season. "

This week's match-up of the two winless NFFA franchises could be a turning point for either one. The Scouts scored a historic low-point total in Week 4, and the Mojo could muster only 86 points. "There are times it looks like a slow-motion trainwreck," the Midtown owner/coach/GM said, "but there is no one to lay it on but Mojo D. I'm leaving points on the bench, and the guys aren't playing to win. But we have Mojo Jojo back in the fold and a couple of couches at the Jojo-A-Go-Go, so I think the boys will loosen up a but and start having fun again -- nothing but success could follow that."

Mojo D also ranted for a good bit about the Cambridge Animals and Dave the Animal, saying "the Animals scare me -- Dave and his happy little band of merry cranksters could run the table."

IS MCMIZZLE A CERTIFIED GENIUS?

The Methlon reporter who challenged Jizzle McMizzle's credentials as a coaching
genius can be seen in the above photo wearing a rasta crown and sunglasses .


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Things turned a little ugly Wednesday when a representative from Methlon's NFFA Preview disrupted East Nashville coach Jizzle McMizzle's weekly media zoo.

Midway through the press conference at McMizzle's eponymous nightclub, the Methlon reporter interrupted the coach, yelling, "Are you a certified coaching genius?"

Caught off guard by the question, the Black Dogs coach said," Am I a what?"

"Are you a certified coaching genius? One of your players, Terrence McGee, made a remark a few days ago about you being a real football genius, unlike some coaches who just call themselves geniuses," said the reporter, who was wearing dark sunglasses and a rasta crown over what appeared to be a large Afro.

"McGee was clearly referring to [Cambridge Animals owner] Dave the Animal," the unidentified reporter continued in a loud voice. "Dave the Animal is a certified genius — certified by M.I.T. I've seen the certificate. Are you a certified genius, Coach McMizzle? I think not. I know Dave the Animal, and you, sir, are no Dave the Animal."

"Well, first of all, I never said I was a genius, or that I was Dave the Animal," McMizzle said, regaining his composure. "But I buy it that the Animal is a genius, and that's why I am worried about our trip to Cambridge this weekend. By the way, who are you and what media are you with? I don't think I've ever seen you before."

"Daniel Davis with Methlon's NFFA Preview," the reporter muttered.

"Methlon's Preview, huh, I don't think I've ever seen it," McMizzle said. "When did it come out?"

"Well, it hasn't," he said. "We had some production delays, so now it will be a mid-season preview."

"Now there's a new genre of magazines for you — the mid-season preview," McMizzle quipped. Then he added, "Good luck with that, I think you'll need it," which drew a few laughs from the other reporters.

With that, the coach headed for the bar where a Morning Glory margarita awaited him, which signaled the end of the press event. As was his custom, McMizzle left the gathered media with a parting remark in Latin: "Oriens dominor bestia."

One final note regarding the Animal's certification as a genius by M.I.T.: The AWP has learned the accrediting institution was not the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, but rather the lesser-known Methamphetamine Institute of Technology.

CHAMPAGNE FOR BREAKFAST 2008 champs toast defeat of last unbeaten team

Frank Gore outside the Shoney's in East Nashville.


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Running back Frank Gore may have been too injured to suit up for the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs last weekend, but he was well enough to travel to East Nashville and drink champagne for breakfast with Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan earlier today.

Gore, along with 15 other members of the 2008 Black Dogs team which went 16-0 including Chris Johnson, Brian Urlacher, Ted Ginn Jr., and Matt Shaub, joined Ryan at his weekly press breakfast to toast the loss suffered by the NFFA's last unbeaten team, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas. The 'Bubbas' loss to the Sea Hogs means the 2008 Dogs will remain the only undefeated team in league history — at least for one more season.

"I don't care what [Sea Hogs owner Tirik] Obobber thinks about it, I had to be here," Gore said, in between sips of Dom Perignon. "We went 16-and-0, mother[expletive]. Do you understand what I am saying? 16-and-[expletive]-0. That's why I will always be a Black Dog at heart.

"But that is meant as no offense to Dr. Linardo, who embraced me like a son during my two seasons as a member of the Beelzebubbas," he quickly added.

A number of current members of the East Nashville team who were part of the 2008 squad also attended the weekly breakfast at the Shoney's near the Dog House, including Tony Romo, Patrick Willis, Greg Jennings, Jared Allen, Terrence McGee, Maurice Jones-Drew, and injured cornerbacks Leodis McKelvin and Josh Wilson.

"Well, [Black Dogs coach] Jizzle [McMizzle] thought we should do it, and it sounded like a [expletive] good idea to me," Ryan explained. "I like getting [expletive] blotto at breakfast."

"It just seemed like the right thing to do," McMizzle added. "After all, these guys made history."

But several of the 2008 Dogs gave the credit to McMizzle. "Jizzle showed us the way to the promised land," said McGee, who has been a member of the Black Dogs since 2005, McMizzle's first season as head coach. "A lot of people in the NFFA call themselves geniuses, but Jizzle actually is one."

In other Black Dogs news, Ryan announced that he and McMizzle will wear pink for the entire season, not just the month of October. "That was another of Jizzle's ideas," he said. "According to him, pink is the new black."

MONEY WALKS Commish resigns over flap with Obobber

NFFA Commissioner William D. Money resigned this afternoon. AWP FILE PHOTO

NASHVEGAS — NFFA commissioner William D. Money resigned late this afternoon over what a source inside the league office described as "a scoring issue" with Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber.

According to the source, Money's resignation will take effect on October 31 to allow time for the owners to elect a new commissioner.

More from the Associated Web Press on this breaking story as it develops.

— AWP staff report

SHARIF ADDRESSES GENERAL ASSEMBLY Reclusive Owner Hails Baker Nation as ‘New World Power’

QCurl Sharif called for a "world party" at the UN last week.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya,
Fantasy Sports News

(Editor's note: The publication of this story was delayed because of a cyber attack launched against FSN on Sept. 24.)

NEW YORK — Following long-winded speeches by Libya’s Muammar Qaddafi and Iran’s Mohammad Ahmedinejad, 12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif made history last Thursday as the first NFFA owner to address the United Nations General Assembly in New York.

“We speak for all the downtrodden who are tired of being treated as Third World entities,” said Sharif, who sported a black T-shirt inscribed “Shiva Is My Co-Pilot” under his black blazer. “A new world football power has risen in the Baker Nation, and we demand our rightful place at this council.”

Many of the delegates who had walked out earlier during the speech of the Iranian leader returned to the great hall when they heard cheers erupting for Sharif, who announced it was “time for a world party,” said that attempts to eradicate production of coca leaves were part of a conspiracy by the Trilateral Commission, and declared that he and TV host Glenn Beck were “gonna make it snow all up in here.”

Sharif’s address apparently had been arranged by President Barack Obama, who presided over the General Assembly on Thursday. White House spokespersons said they knew nothing in advance of the speech, but Bakers PR maven Faith Popcorn explained that the address had been arranged by Obama when he and his wife attended the Bakers’ draft party in Nashville on August 31. “It’s not surprising that the president doesn’t remember what went on that night,” Popcorn added, declining to elaborate further, “but I can promise you it happened. Let’s just say he hasn’t quite given up smoking.”

After his address, Sharif was unavailable for comment but was seen leaving with Amy Winehouse and Qaddafi, and overheard saying, “Let’s hit your party tent.”

CHAMPS REELING AFTER ‘LOST WEEKEND’ Sea Hogs, West and Fans’ Animals Take Bite Out of Black Dogs

Kanye West arriving at the Dog House to sing the national
anthem. Could that be QCurl on the phone?

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

(Editor's note: The publication of this story was delayed because of a cyber attack launched against FSN on Sept. 24.)

EAST NASTY — It was a dark and stormy weekend in East Nashville. And no one had forecast that events would conspire to rain on the parade of the defending NFFA champion Black Dogs.

The Black Dogs’ home opener was to be a time for marking the team’s unprecedented 16-0 season, with the traditional “running of the black dogs,” the awarding of championship rings, and the presentation of the NFFA Championship Trophy (the Money Cup) by league Commissioner Bill Money.

It would be a gross understatement to say things didn’t go as planned. First, the Black Dogs received their first loss in 18 games — and their worst loss in three years — at the hands of their hated rivals, the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs.

Then, during the trophy presentation at halftime, singer Kanye West, who had performed the national anthem before the game, rushed onto the field, took a microphone from Commissioner Money and shouted, “This trophy rightfully belongs to the greatest team ever, the 12th Avenue Bakers!” A befuddled GM Buddy Ryan, who was to accept the trophy, was left speechless.

As the contest ended, Sea Hogs fans attempted to cross the roped-off section within Black Dogs Stadium where they had been confined in hopes of avoiding the attacks by black dogs at last year’s game that sent over 100 visitors to local hospitals. This time, numerous Sea Hogs fans received strong electrical shocks from an invisible fencing system that East Nashville team officials said had been erected to keep dogs out of the area. The officials claimed to be unaware that the tickets allotted to Fidalgo Island fans had been coded to receive a jolt if the ticket holders attempted to cross the fence line. “We are looking into the possibility of sabotage by a fellow NFFA team,” said one official on the condition of anonymity. Fifteen Sea Hogs fans were treated for injuries at the stadium’s first aid station.

As a final insult, Ryan was set upon by a pack of black dogs let loose by irate East Nashville fans who waited for the general manager to attempt to reach his car after the game. “Buddy ran his mouth all week and made our team look sick,” said one fan, “so we sicced our dogs on his ass.” Ryan’s clothes were ripped, and he received one gash deep enough to require stitches but sustained no serious injuries.

After winning the division four years in a row, the Black Dogs entered week three in the uncharacteristic position of last place in the Jorgé division, behind the 2-0 Bakers, Beelzebubbas and Animals. “We’ll be back,” vowed Ryan at his weekly media breakfast at Shoney’s.

“The Greeks had a word for this — chutzpah,” observed Mojo D, who spoke briefly with this reporter as he entered the Jojo-a-Go-Go to attend a charity event. “You could see it coming.”

Mojo D Speaks Out on Week 3

Mojo D courtesy of Rosetta Stone, Midtown Mojo Minister of Propaganda


Mojo D Talks About Week 3

By Soren Bernyn, FSN

In a shift from his previous modus operandi of rambling inanity during press conferences, Midtown Mojo owner/GM/coach Mojo D has taken to issuing a "media availability." You can listen to the "entire" 3:30 recording below -- in it, he addresses the Mojo's lackluster performance because of "piss-poor coaching" in week 2, and looks at this week's NFFA slate, including the inaugural game at the Mojo's Fat Tire Stadium. I toured the facility this week -- despite numerous construction delays and allegations of city-hall payoffs, it is a world-class stadium. The first ever, wind-powered ("we're off the grid, bitch!" were the only words Mojo D spoke on the tour), all-skybox venue in the NFFA.

THE STREAK IS OVER !!!

Streaking Sea Hogs fans celebrate victory over the Black Dogs and the end of the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak.

The Streak Is Over!!!

By Bill O'Really, FAUX NEWS

FIDALGO ISLAND -- "The Streak is over!!!" This is what Sea Hogs fans are shouting as they approach Sea Hogs' SPRINT Stadium after running naked through the streets of beautiful Fidalgo Island to celebrate their stunning defeat of the top-ranked East Nashville Black Dogs and the end of the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak. As soon as the game ended, FISH fans left their TV sets, shed their clothes, ran from their homes, and sprinted to the Sea Hogs' home field in a spontaneous show of joyous emotion to support their team and its accomplishment.

The Sea Hogs trounced the Black Dogs this weekend 197 to 110 in a road win that will go down in history as one of the greatest upsets of all time.

It was a commanding performance by the Sea Hogs on both sides of the ball. The Sea Hogs' offense scored more points than any other NFFA team this season and its defense held East Nasty to what will probably be its lowest point total of the year.

The Sea Hogs were lead by QB Peyton Manning, who scored 42 points, and by RBs Frank Gore and Darren Sproles, who scored 35 and 32 points respectively. Many believe that Gore's outstanding performance was motivated by revenge due to the fact that the Black Dogs' GM Buddy Ryan did not renew Gore's contract at the end of last season, allowing the Sea Hogs' owner Tirik Obobber to pick him up. Gore denied any such motivation, stating, "We're just good, dude!" He then added, "Hey Buddy, welcome to the L bracket."

But the highlight for the Fidalgo Islanders was the termination of "The Streak," the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak which began after the West Nashville Beelzebubbas defeated the Black Dogs in the NFFA playoffs two seasons ago. The Black Dogs went undefeated last season and won the NFFA Championship for 2008. The Sea Hogs' victory this weekend also put an end to the Black Dogs' 22 consecutive regular season victories.

It's now back to the drawing board for the Black Dogs, who are 1 - 1 for the season and have a one-game losing streak. The Sea Hogs are also 1 - 1, but have a one-game winning streak.

It should be noted that after reaching the stadium and celebrating their victory, the Sea Hogs fans were greeted with news that Leader, the chief mascot of the Black Dogs, had lost the use of his back legs. The fans huddled in a circle and prayed for Leader and his speedy recovery.

COMMISH SHOOTS DOWN DOGS' PLANS FOR SEA HOGS' FANS

As a favor to coach Jizzle McMizzle, Carmen Electra posed for the above flyer to be distributed at this week's Black Dogs-Sea Hogs contest in East Nashville.


By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — At his weekly media circus yesterday, East Nashville coach Jizzle McMizzle announced that the team had received word that NFFA Commissioner William D. Money will not allow them to cordon off the Fidalgo Island fans in a corner of the stadium parking lot.

Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan had announced the plan on Tuesday at his press breakfast, insisting it was for the protection of the Sea Hogs fans. On the opening weekend of the 2008 season, during El Ejecutarse de los Perros Negros, or The Running of the Black Dogs, 100 Sea Hogs fans were brutally attacked and bitten when 40 or 50 of the more than 500 black dogs ascended into their section of the stadium.

McMizzle said the new plan was to put a 20-foot-high, chain-link fence around the Sea Hogs section. "We have to protect our friends from Fidalgo Island, but the black dogs gotta run," he said. He also said he didn't know if the commissioner had approved the new plan or not, that he was just repeating what "Buddy told me."

McMizzle also announced that 50,000 flyers featuring Carmen Electra in the famous Coppertone ad pose (above) will be distributed prior to the game to remind Black Dogs fans to not let their dogs bite the Sea Hogs fans.

Yesterday was the first time McMizzle's weekly media zoo had been held at his newly opened nightclub, Jizzle McMizzle's, which is the event's new location for 2009. The coach with the league's highest winning percentage since taking the reigns of the East Nashville franchise in 2005 spent most of the time praising the 12th Avenue Bakers — and expressing his fear of them.

"Don't get me wrong, the entire Jorge division worries me, but the Bakers scare me," he said. "You know, President Obama, picked the NCAA basketball champion, and now that he's picking the Bakes — I don't know, it just seems like the stars are aligning for QCurl this season. A new star is rising in South Nashvegas, and I fear it may be a case of sic transit gloria canes niger."

McMizzle waved off questions about the Black Dogs' 70-point stomping of the Atlanta Smack Daddies on opening weekend, and the team's two current winning streaks —wins in 17 straight games, and 22 consecutive regular-season wins.

"I'm not here to talk about the past," he said. "Nor am I here to talk about the future."

When a female reporter from The Tennessean asked what he meant by that, he said, "I meant, 'Get me another margarita, bi-yotch.' Don't you work here?" When she said she didn't, he said "never mind, then," and walked over to the bar to order the drink himself, signaling the end of the event.

BLACK DOGS GM: BAN L DIVISION FROM PLAYOFFS

Buddy Ryan has coffee with a Black Dogs fan at Shoney's yesterday morning.


By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Crazy talk coming from Buddy Ryan is nothing new. But that said, none of the gathered media were ready for what the East Nashville GM proposed at his inaugural press breakfast yesterday morning at the Shoney's near the stadium.

"If no teams from the Linardo division win this weekend, then I think only Jorge division teams should be allowed in the postseason playoffs," Ryan said, between bites of sausage links. "I have formally proposed this to Commissioner [William D.] Money."

Ryan pointed out that not a single team from the Linardo division had a winning record last year, "and they are keeping their streak going this season with a perfect 0-4 start." He added, "You can't spell loser without an L," then cackled loudly.

When asked if he thought his proposed rule change would get enough support to pass, Ryan replied, "Well, I figure everyone in our division will vote for it — why wouldn't they? And you figure one of the Loser division teams — probably the No-Jos — will stab their division rivals in the back and vote for it, too."

Reached at league headquarters afterwards, Money declined to comment, but said he had received Ryan's proposal and intended to review its merits.

Ryan made a few other announcements during the one-hour press breakfast, including:

• The team will wear a number nine decal on their helmets this season in honor of one-time Black Dogs quarterback Steve McNair.

• There will be a ceremony commemorating the Black Dog's perfect 16-0, 2008 championship season before this weekend's game against visiting Fidalgo Island with a special presentation by the commissioner.

The Black Dogs' chief was reminded that it was just over a year ago that Sea Hogs fans were mauled by black dogs allowed on the field during halftime of the game, and was asked if the black dogs would be allowed in the stadium this weekend.

"We are continuing our longstanding, opening-day tradition, El Ejecutarse de los Perros Negros or The Running of the Black Dogs," Ryan said. "But we are taking extra precautions to guarantee the safety of our guests from out West.

"To make sure none of the black dogs in the stadium attack the Sea Hogs fans, we've decided to not allow any Sea Hogs fans into the Dog House. Instead, they will be able to view the game on theater-size screens from the comfort of an enclosed compound set up on the Southern edge of the parking lot."