MCMAHON TO THE WORLD: 'FORGET TO HATE'

Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon sports a T-shirt bearing the
name of his new nonprofit endeavor, "Forget to Hate."

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

If the first four weeks of the NFFA season are any indication, the league's tenth season is going to be its most acrimonious. And that's saying a lot for a league whose history includes murder, sex slavery, castration, boot bombs, arson and thousands of gallons of Haterade. But this season, they may have to start ordering Haterade by the tanker truck.

In the midst of all this hatemongering, one man has said, "Enough is enough!" Inspired by something he was told about 12th Avenue Bakers owner and man about town QCurl Sharif, East Nashville Black Dogs head coach Jim McMahon has launched a new nonprofit organization called "Forget To Hate."

McMahon announced the formation of the new organization Wednesday at his weekly media circus now being held at Eastside Fish, which claims to serve the "crunkest fish in town."

"Don't get me wrong, the NFFA has always been filled with hate — just ask my boss Buddy Ryan," McMahon said. "But when I heard recently that DTA [Cambridge Animals boss Dave the Animal] was debating whether to focus on his own team's success or put all his energies into seeing that the Bakers lose, and was even contemplating loaning his best players to whomever the Bakers are playing each week, I realized the league's level of hate has taken a quantum leap."

The Bakers and their mercurial owner Sharif are in the middle of a lot of the acrimony. One league insider says it's because of the monkeys, which he insists has brought the league nothing but bad luck. And it is true Sharif introduced monkeys to the league's menagerie of characters — who could forget the late Mr. TD and the late Furious George.

But the Bakers, who face McMahon's team this week, also are in the thick of the turf wars on the West side of Nashvegas involving the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, the Corsairs (formerly the Midtown Mojo) and now The Village Green. There have been whispers up and down the stretch of 12th Avenue South known as Avenue Q that Sharif is planning to expand his territory all the way to West End Avenue, now that the Corsairs are based offshore.

Before making their move, the Corsairs ceded the 24 blocks encompassing Hillsboro Village to Goody Goodridge, which puts The Village Green right in the crossfire between the Bakers and Bubbas — a love-hate relationship, but mostly hate, which dates to the league's origins.

McMahon said he was at Club Gitmo last week when a person close to the West Nashville organization said Sharif drinks more Haterade than anyone in the league, but because of all the other substances he consumes, "QCurl forgets to hate."

"I thought what a far-out guy QCurl is that he would forget to hate," McMahon said. "He's an inspiration to us all."

The coach said the Forget To Hate organization will try to reduce gang violence in the East Nasty, as well as provide support for victims of memory loss caused by substance abuse.

In other Black Dogs news, McMahon said despite suffering a loss to the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs last weekend, the game's Bobberhead chew toy promotion was a "smashing success." Doggie chew toys in the shape of Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber's head were given to the first 10,000 fans who showed up with their dog.

McMahon said while it wasn't as exciting as seeing dogs chomp down on actual Sea Hogs fans, as happened a few years ago at the Dawg House stadium in East Nashville, the dogs seemed to really enjoy sinking their fangs into the replica of Obobber's head. "If the amount of dog slobber was any indication, the promotion was a big hit," he said.

As is his custom, McMahon closed his media conference with a Latin phrase, this time giving a nod to his new nonprofit, saying, "Memor ut alieno odio."

MCMIZZLE GOES OFF AT OCTOBERFEST

Cell phone photo of East Nashville coach Jizzle McMizzle during an altercation with 12th Avenue fans at Saturday's Octoberfest celebration. (Photo courtesy of Missy Bass)

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

NASHVEGAS — On the eve of his team's visit to 12th Avenue, East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jizzle McMizzle caused a scene yesterday at the annual Octoberfest in the Germantown area of Nashvegas.

According to witnesses attending the event, an obviously drunk McMizzle engaged in a verbal altercation with several Bakers fans.

Jeremy Huff, who was attending the fest with his wife and son, said three young men wearing Bakers merchandise and sporting QCurl tattoos, confronted McMizzle outside one of the beer tents and challenged him about his team's mediocre start.

"The fans started it," Huff said. "It looked like McMizzle was having a hard time staying upright."

Missy Bass, another attendee, said one of the men told the coach he "sucked," to which McMizzle slurred, "I'll have you know that rumor's not true."

Bass said the conversation continued as follows:

"You're going down tomorrow, chump," one of the other men told him.

"I've never lost to the Bakers," McMizzle replied.

"Yeah, you did, dumbass," the first man said. "Last year, next-to-last game, sucka."

"Oh, yeah, you're right, I forgot about that," the coach slurred. "Well, we're still gonna kick your asses."

"Y'all gonna be in Baker Nation, Coach. Y'all may not make it out alive."

Bass said at that point, McMizzle pulled a gun, and mumbled something about they better not make him mad. The first Bakers fan said to the others, "That dude is whack. Let's get outta here," and then started to leave.

As they walked away, McMizzle yelled at them to stop. "I'll tell you one thing," he said loudly. "The curse is gonna get the [expletive] [Fidalgo Island Sea], Hogs. Somebody big on the Hogs is gonna get hurt, probably [expletive] Peyton [Manning, Sea Hogs starting quarterback] — and it could happen this weekend. Write that down."

"I ain't got a pen, Coach, or any [expletive] paper," the first Bakers fan said. "Write it down, your damn self. See ya tomorrow in the nation, sucka."

The curse McMizzle referred to is curse of the NFFA champion. Not only has no champion in the eight-year history of the league been able to repeat, in many cases they had a big fall the following season. With their 4-0 start, there is no evidence the defending champions from Fidalgo Island are suffering any such affliction.

SUBDUED, TENSE BACCHANAL GOES ON WITHOUT BIGGS, HAMILTON Ominous signs, but fears of violence unrealized

George Clinton and the P-Funk All-Stars tore the roof off
the sucka at the fifth annual Bacchanal to the Future.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

The largest Bacchanal crowd ever turned out last week for the most subdued Bacchanal To The Future in the five-year history of the event.

In the wake of the sudden and gruesome death of Bacchanal cofounder Boyd X. Biggs — and with police investigators viewing the other cofounder, QCurl Sharif, as a suspect — festival organizers almost decided to pull the plug on the annual gala. But a cell phone call from the ghost of Biggs to Bakers’ PR Maven Faith Popcorn, in which Biggs allegedly expressed his wish for the Bacchanal to continue, enabled the show to go on, albeit in a scaled-down, one-day form.

Ticket sales exceeded 250,000 for the event, but police estimated the crowd in Centennial Park at nearly 300,000. Absent was the traditional “birth of Venus” ceremony that kicked off the Bacchanal in years past. Missing, too, were the chariot races in the Nashvegas Hippodrome that the Bakers and Beelzebubbas jointly built and donated to the city. Missing, too, was Haven Hamilton, who emceed every Bacchanal since the event began in 2004. Hamilton died earlier this year. Festival organizers billed this year’s gathering as a tribute to both Hamilton and Biggs, whom 'Bubbas’ PR Director Chuck Barris described as “martyrs for peace.”

In a money-saving move, Nashvegas mayor Karl Dean announced that the city’s annual Christmas parade would be combined with the Bacchanal. As the parade ended at Centennial Park, Grand Marshal Charlie Rotier, dressed as Santa, walked to the Parthenon steps and launched the Bacchanal, as Hamilton always had done, by leading the crowd in the Pledge of Allegiance. Then, strapping on a waiting Jet-Pack, Rotier rocketed across the park to his review stand on the roof of the Athlon Building.

In tribute to Biggs, a lone bagpiper played “House of the Rising Sun” to begin the show. Then Al “Buck Dharma” Roeser — a Bakers’ season ticket holder — led a reunited Blue Oyster Cult in an hour-long jam version of “Don’t Fear the Reaper.”

In one of the highlights of the afternoon, Beelzebubbas’ Community Relations Director Anton Chigur joined Ray Manzarek and the Doors as they performed the songs from the band’s “L.A. Woman” LP in sequence. Chigur, who provided lead vocals, told the crowd that “Break on Through” was Biggs’ favorite song, and that the late 'Bubbas’ owner and Dr. Jorgé Linardo loved to sing it together as they cruised the streets of Nashvegas in Linardo’s blood-red Lincoln Navigator.

Dave the Animal joined the Doors for “The Crystal Ship,” apparently as part of a promotion for his Methlon organization. During the performance of the song, a replica of a sailing ship made of translucent fiberglass and bearing the Methlon logo appeared on Lake Watauga. Crew members used large slingshots to hurl goodie bags from the Animal’s Crystal and Cracky D’s restaurants into the receptive crowd.

The set concluded as a large video screen played sometimes violent images from Biggs’ Waziristan safari during “The End” — a song that Chigur said had changed his life for good when he first heard it at age seven.

In a surprise move, Amy Winehouse, aka QGurl Sharis, next took the stage and performed an acoustic version of John Lennon’s “Woman Is the Nigger of the World.” Then she launched into “Imagine,” changing the lyrics twice to sing “Imagine there’s no 'Bubbas” and “Imagine there’s no Snoop Dogg” — drawing prolonged boos on both occasions.

The mood nearly turned violent when Peter Gabriel performed his “Shock the Monkey” — an allusion perhaps to Mojo Jojo or to Nefarious George, a chimpanzee associated with several members of the Bakers’ organization. “Kill the monkeys!” the crowd began chanting as the song ended, before Chigur finally took the microphone and calmed them down by saying, “Patience, friends, there’s a time and place for everything.” Sharif, for his part, did not follow his usual custom of appearing onstage, but watched the show from the VIP box with Rotier atop the Athlon Building. Security was said to be heavy.

The concert reached another flashpoint during the three-song set of Memphis-based Dr. Krunkenstein, who had been linked last year with an alleged assassination attempt on Commissioner William D. Money. After performing a brand new song, titled “Q-cifixion,” frontman Vernon “Krunkalicious” Weathers held up a photo of Sharif, tore it in half and shouted, “Fight the real power!” Then he produced a 9mm pistol that had been concealed under his shirt and pointed it in the general direction of the Athlon Building. Security guards quickly swarmed the stage and surrounded Weathers. Barris later explained that the band’s gesture was simply a “publicity stunt” to promote their new CD, Q-Capper. Said Barris: “It’s all good.”

Throughout the afternoon, there were other ominous signs of continuing tension, including one that read: “Biggs’ Jesus Kicks Shiva’s Monkey Ass” and “Nuke Midtown.”

Afterward, the ghost of Biggs issued an official statement via Twitter announcing he wished for peace and that “I know in my dead, gray, decaying heart that my friend QCurl could never have done the Janus-faced things that all those reliable sources all say he did.”

Near the end of the abbreviated concert, Bacchanal regular and Biggs confidante George Clinton announced that he would conduct a “funk funeral” for Biggs and Hamilton. He and the P-Funk All-Stars launched into “Give Up the Funk (Tear the Roof Off the Sucka)” as they led many of the assembled crowd out of the park and down Natchez Trace toward the site of the burned-out Jojo-a-Go-Go, where Biggs met his death.

When they reached the site in Hillsboro Village, still marked off by yellow police tape, they were startled to see Bubbas’ season ticket holder John Doe (who took the name for his former band from Biggs’ middle initial) atop the adjoining Belmont Methodist Church. After performing his sentimental “Just a Little More Time,” Doe was joined by Fergie for an acoustic version of the Troggs’ “Love Is All Around,” which Sharif himself had once performed at the wedding of his friend Furious George. Witnesses reported that Sharif sobbed uncontrollably upon hearing the song and had to be sedated with four Touchdown Tazers™ and three Demerol chasers. On the dark, overcast afternoon, many in the crowd held up lighters and cellphones and sang along as Doe and Fergie performed “Will the Circle Be Unbroken?” — the traditional close for the Bacchanal.

“All things considered, it was pretty amazing,” said Popcorn afterward. “We didn’t have Biggs, who traditionally did all the heavy lifting on the logistics. We didn’t have Haven, who provided the glue (literally). And QCurl, who is the spiritual force behind all this, was mostly AWOL for obvious reasons. It was worse than we hoped but better than we expected. We just give thanks to Shiva.”

BIGGS’ DEATH CONFIRMED Business as usual at Beelzebubbas HQ; police investigating Bakers

Boyd X. Biggs, ? - 2009. (AWP FILE PHOTO)


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — The Beelzebubbas organization seemed remarkably unaffected and even upbeat this morning following the explosion and fire at the Jo-Jo-A-Go-Go that apparently killed team owner Boyd X. Biggs.

Police confirmed late Sunday that one body, identified as Biggs, was found in the smoldering ruin of the Midtown nightspot, which is owned by NFFA founder Jorgé Linardo. The identification was based on dental records. Nashvegas police forensics experts said the body, like Biggs, had no natural teeth but a full set of permanent dentures.

At a brief news conference Monday, Beelzebubbas’ Director of Community Relations Anton Chigur said that Biggs had gone to the Jo-Jo-A-Go-Go to demand that the Midtown Mojo stop treating the club as their own, and that they reimburse Dr. Linardo for damage caused by their fans after the Mojo’s first victory of the season two weeks ago.

Chigur also dropped a bombshell on the assembled media. Biggs, he said, had been fired as team coach early Friday afternoon. An announcement had been planned for Saturday, but was postponed after Biggs’ death.

How, one reporter asked, could Biggs have been fired, since he was also owner of the team? Who fired him? “I can’t say,” Chigur replied. “All I know is that he was fired on Friday. That is,” he added with his mouth slightly upturned, “before he apparently got fired the second time.”

No replacement for Biggs has been named. Injured running back Leon Washington handled the coaching duties for Sunday’s game.

Chigur announced that both the team’s offices and Club Gitmo, its unofficial headquarters, would remain open as usual for business. He also said that no memorial service for Biggs had been planned at this point, “although I understand there will be a celebration at the Cherry Bomb Café” — an apparent reference to allegations by the Mojo that the 12th Avenue Bakers were behind the nightclub bombing.

Among Bubbas’ fans, there appeared to be no mourning either. Before Sunday’s game at Colt 45 Field at Colt 45 Stadium, the PA announcer’s request for fans to observe a moment of silence in Biggs’ honor was met by a resounding chorus of boos.

“That’s how he would have wanted it,” said 'Bubbas’ Offensive Coordinator Li’l Wayne. “He didn’t get to where he got by respecting people just because they wuz dead. He believed that when someone died, it just created opportunities, and Biggs believed in creating lots of opportunities, if you know what I’m saying. So, actually, the fans were showing their respect for Biggy by booing that moment of silence bull[expletive].”

Detectives are investigating the possible role of the Bakers in the bombing, said a spokesperson for the Nashvegas police department. A number of people in the team's organization are persons of interest in the investigation, including owner QCurl Sharif and head coach Snoop Dogg.

RYAN CALLS SHARIF A 'GRAVE ROBBER'

QCurl Sharif: World leader or grave robber? Buddy Ryan (inset) thinks the latter.


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Maybe East Nashville GM Buddy Ryan got up on the wrong side of the bed. Or maybe he was hungover. Whatever the reason, at his weekly press breakfast yesterday morning, Ryan went nuclear on QCurl Sharif and his 12th Avenue Bakers team.

"Am I the only [expletive] person who remembers that the so-called QCurl Sharif, media darling and would-[expletive]-be world leader, used to be G.Q. Denney, a worthless drug addict, mad scientist, and presumed grave robber," Ryan asked the blurry-eyed members of the media gathered at the East Nashville Shoney's across from the Dog House. "G.Q. robbed mother[expletive] graves! Are you following me here, people?" It has long been rumored that Sharif has a zombie corral in Howenwald, Tenn., where he reanimates the dead — usually deceased celebrities.

"And his teams used to set the [expletive] standard for futility in this league," Ryan continued. "He couldn't buy a [expletive] win, and believe me, he tried."

When asked why he going off on Sharif at this particular time, Ryan said, "If I had to give you all the reasons QCurl Sharif makes me puke, this press breakfast would run into the dinner hour."

When one member of the media asked if Ryan was just trying to get inside Sharif's head in advance of this weekend's game with the Bakers, he shuddered visibly at the thought, then said, "Jesus [expletive] Christ, now that would truly be a scary, [expletive] place to be."

For the remainder of the press event, the Black Dogs exec repeatedly referred to Sharif as "G.Q.," as if he might conjure up the losing spirit of the old Q.

Following the breakfast, this reporter was reminded that the bad blood between Ryan and Sharif dated back to the night of the Black Dogs first championship in 2005, when both men were arrested for streaking down Woodland Street. The GM claimed to have been drugged.

When asked for comment regarding Ryan's remarks, Bakers media maven Faith Popcorn said, "We're not concerned with the ravings of a convicted pedophile."

It should be noted that Ryan was not actually convicted of pedophilia, only arrested as a suspect.

NFFA NOTES & NOTABLES Mojo D on ‘protective watch’ despite magazine’s rosy predictions

Methlon's NFFA Preview picks the 12th Avenue Bakers to win it all.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — Methlon's 2009 NFFA Preview — the first team-by-team look at the Nashvegas Fantasy Football League — hit the stands Friday just in time for week five of the season.

Publishers of the slick, 188-page magazine, produced by the Cambridge-based M.I.T. Enterprises, acknowledged that “distribution problems” caused the inaugural edition of the magazine to be later than expected. “We have a great distribution system,” said Daniel David, Chief Operating Officer. “But we had some heavier than anticipated orders for other products we distribute.

“Like the Animal jokes, it was a snamu — situation normal, all methed up. But we’ll get this fixed.”

Methlon’s NFFA Preview predicts that the Midtown Mojo will meet the 12th Avenue Bakers in the league’s championship game, with QCurl Sharif’s franchise capturing its first NFFA crown. The magazine also projected that the Alamo Scouts would defeat the Atlanta Smack Daddies for third place.

MOJO D PLACED ON 'PROTECTIVE WATCH'

With the Mojo mired in an 0-4 season-starting slump, outgoing Commissioner William D. Money has ordered that team owner Mojo D be placed on what Money called a “preemptive" suicide watch.

"We care about the safety of all our team owners — or at least nearly all,” said Money who is to step down on October 31. The Mojo’s team plane, which Mojo D admits using to “dump players from the roster,” has been grounded by Money until October 18.

The commissioner expressed particular concern because the Mojo’s opponent this weekend, the Alamo Scouts, had set a lineup and appear to be making an effort to win. “It looks challenging for the Mojo,” Money said. “I guess the good news is that one of these two teams is going to get its first win, like it or not.”

GINN MISSING, ON UNABLE TO PERFORM LIST

Beelzebubbas’ WR/KR Ted Ginn Jr. has not been seen at team practices since Tuesday, when he showed up for a reunion party held for members of the undefeated 2008 Black Dogs’ squad, to mark the end of the 'Bubbas’ bid for a perfect season, the last team without a loss. Two witnesses told this reporter they last saw Ginn on an elevator going down at the Bubbas’ Club Gitmo complex.

Team spokesman Chuck Barris said he did not know Ginn’s whereabouts and denied suggestions that team founder Jorgé Linardo was angered by Ginn’s attendance at a party celebrating his own team’s defeat. “I think it was bad form,” said Barris, “but we all have to deal with disappointment in our own way.” Ginn was placed on the team’s Unable to Perform list on Friday morning, but Barris declined to elaborate. Barris also denied rumors that quarterback Eli Manning had been waterboarded to distract him from the pain of his plantar fasciatis and help him get ready to start on Sunday.

SHARIF ADDRESSES GENERAL ASSEMBLY Reclusive Owner Hails Baker Nation as ‘New World Power’

QCurl Sharif called for a "world party" at the UN last week.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya,
Fantasy Sports News

(Editor's note: The publication of this story was delayed because of a cyber attack launched against FSN on Sept. 24.)

NEW YORK — Following long-winded speeches by Libya’s Muammar Qaddafi and Iran’s Mohammad Ahmedinejad, 12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif made history last Thursday as the first NFFA owner to address the United Nations General Assembly in New York.

“We speak for all the downtrodden who are tired of being treated as Third World entities,” said Sharif, who sported a black T-shirt inscribed “Shiva Is My Co-Pilot” under his black blazer. “A new world football power has risen in the Baker Nation, and we demand our rightful place at this council.”

Many of the delegates who had walked out earlier during the speech of the Iranian leader returned to the great hall when they heard cheers erupting for Sharif, who announced it was “time for a world party,” said that attempts to eradicate production of coca leaves were part of a conspiracy by the Trilateral Commission, and declared that he and TV host Glenn Beck were “gonna make it snow all up in here.”

Sharif’s address apparently had been arranged by President Barack Obama, who presided over the General Assembly on Thursday. White House spokespersons said they knew nothing in advance of the speech, but Bakers PR maven Faith Popcorn explained that the address had been arranged by Obama when he and his wife attended the Bakers’ draft party in Nashville on August 31. “It’s not surprising that the president doesn’t remember what went on that night,” Popcorn added, declining to elaborate further, “but I can promise you it happened. Let’s just say he hasn’t quite given up smoking.”

After his address, Sharif was unavailable for comment but was seen leaving with Amy Winehouse and Qaddafi, and overheard saying, “Let’s hit your party tent.”

CHAMPS REELING AFTER ‘LOST WEEKEND’ Sea Hogs, West and Fans’ Animals Take Bite Out of Black Dogs

Kanye West arriving at the Dog House to sing the national
anthem. Could that be QCurl on the phone?

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

(Editor's note: The publication of this story was delayed because of a cyber attack launched against FSN on Sept. 24.)

EAST NASTY — It was a dark and stormy weekend in East Nashville. And no one had forecast that events would conspire to rain on the parade of the defending NFFA champion Black Dogs.

The Black Dogs’ home opener was to be a time for marking the team’s unprecedented 16-0 season, with the traditional “running of the black dogs,” the awarding of championship rings, and the presentation of the NFFA Championship Trophy (the Money Cup) by league Commissioner Bill Money.

It would be a gross understatement to say things didn’t go as planned. First, the Black Dogs received their first loss in 18 games — and their worst loss in three years — at the hands of their hated rivals, the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs.

Then, during the trophy presentation at halftime, singer Kanye West, who had performed the national anthem before the game, rushed onto the field, took a microphone from Commissioner Money and shouted, “This trophy rightfully belongs to the greatest team ever, the 12th Avenue Bakers!” A befuddled GM Buddy Ryan, who was to accept the trophy, was left speechless.

As the contest ended, Sea Hogs fans attempted to cross the roped-off section within Black Dogs Stadium where they had been confined in hopes of avoiding the attacks by black dogs at last year’s game that sent over 100 visitors to local hospitals. This time, numerous Sea Hogs fans received strong electrical shocks from an invisible fencing system that East Nashville team officials said had been erected to keep dogs out of the area. The officials claimed to be unaware that the tickets allotted to Fidalgo Island fans had been coded to receive a jolt if the ticket holders attempted to cross the fence line. “We are looking into the possibility of sabotage by a fellow NFFA team,” said one official on the condition of anonymity. Fifteen Sea Hogs fans were treated for injuries at the stadium’s first aid station.

As a final insult, Ryan was set upon by a pack of black dogs let loose by irate East Nashville fans who waited for the general manager to attempt to reach his car after the game. “Buddy ran his mouth all week and made our team look sick,” said one fan, “so we sicced our dogs on his ass.” Ryan’s clothes were ripped, and he received one gash deep enough to require stitches but sustained no serious injuries.

After winning the division four years in a row, the Black Dogs entered week three in the uncharacteristic position of last place in the Jorgé division, behind the 2-0 Bakers, Beelzebubbas and Animals. “We’ll be back,” vowed Ryan at his weekly media breakfast at Shoney’s.

“The Greeks had a word for this — chutzpah,” observed Mojo D, who spoke briefly with this reporter as he entered the Jojo-a-Go-Go to attend a charity event. “You could see it coming.”

COMMISH SHOOTS DOWN DOGS' PLANS FOR SEA HOGS' FANS

As a favor to coach Jizzle McMizzle, Carmen Electra posed for the above flyer to be distributed at this week's Black Dogs-Sea Hogs contest in East Nashville.


By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — At his weekly media circus yesterday, East Nashville coach Jizzle McMizzle announced that the team had received word that NFFA Commissioner William D. Money will not allow them to cordon off the Fidalgo Island fans in a corner of the stadium parking lot.

Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan had announced the plan on Tuesday at his press breakfast, insisting it was for the protection of the Sea Hogs fans. On the opening weekend of the 2008 season, during El Ejecutarse de los Perros Negros, or The Running of the Black Dogs, 100 Sea Hogs fans were brutally attacked and bitten when 40 or 50 of the more than 500 black dogs ascended into their section of the stadium.

McMizzle said the new plan was to put a 20-foot-high, chain-link fence around the Sea Hogs section. "We have to protect our friends from Fidalgo Island, but the black dogs gotta run," he said. He also said he didn't know if the commissioner had approved the new plan or not, that he was just repeating what "Buddy told me."

McMizzle also announced that 50,000 flyers featuring Carmen Electra in the famous Coppertone ad pose (above) will be distributed prior to the game to remind Black Dogs fans to not let their dogs bite the Sea Hogs fans.

Yesterday was the first time McMizzle's weekly media zoo had been held at his newly opened nightclub, Jizzle McMizzle's, which is the event's new location for 2009. The coach with the league's highest winning percentage since taking the reigns of the East Nashville franchise in 2005 spent most of the time praising the 12th Avenue Bakers — and expressing his fear of them.

"Don't get me wrong, the entire Jorge division worries me, but the Bakers scare me," he said. "You know, President Obama, picked the NCAA basketball champion, and now that he's picking the Bakes — I don't know, it just seems like the stars are aligning for QCurl this season. A new star is rising in South Nashvegas, and I fear it may be a case of sic transit gloria canes niger."

McMizzle waved off questions about the Black Dogs' 70-point stomping of the Atlanta Smack Daddies on opening weekend, and the team's two current winning streaks —wins in 17 straight games, and 22 consecutive regular-season wins.

"I'm not here to talk about the past," he said. "Nor am I here to talk about the future."

When a female reporter from The Tennessean asked what he meant by that, he said, "I meant, 'Get me another margarita, bi-yotch.' Don't you work here?" When she said she didn't, he said "never mind, then," and walked over to the bar to order the drink himself, signaling the end of the event.