TRIUMPH OF THE BLACK DOGS New team spokesdog has first press briefing

New East Nashville spokesdog Triumph the Insult Comic Dog was smoking at his first weekly press conference yesterday at the Purple Building.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN News

(Editor's note: This is the 500th story published on the NFFA Newswire.)

Reinvigorating a weekly tradition that included rants from Buddy Ryan and rambling, margarita-fueled monologues by Jim McMahon, the East Nashville Black Dogs held their first weekly presser of the season Tuesday with a new team media rep: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

The beat reporters who assembled for the noon event at The Purple Building in East Nashville’s Five Points area were clearly surprised by the appearance of Triumph, whose relationship with the Black Dogs had not been announced previously.  The veteran comedian, who cut his teeth on Saturday Night Live and elsewhere, appeared suddenly through an opening in a black curtain and, chomping his trademark cigar, began speaking into a microphone: “Welcome, my bitches. It’s 2021 and the Black Dogs are getting back to business. I know you have questions. I will try to answer slowly so you can keep up. Who wants to go first? Go ahead, I won’t bite.”

When FSN’s Woody Larry began to ask a question, Triumph quickly interrupted, “Excuse me, I didn’t see you raise your hand. We need to set some rules upfront. If you want to ask a question here, you have to raise your hand and be called on. This is not some free-for-all. This is not the Village Green, where you don’t even have to pick up your own poop.”

Raising his hand, Larry tried again after being recognized, asking whether the Black Dogs were concerned after their 0-2 start to the season.

“Absolutely,” Triumph replied. “We are concerned that we might win this week and not be able to go 0-4, which is the position from which we launched our run to the championship game last season. We are on the right track, but not yet where we want to be. If we can lose these next two games, we will have them right where we want them.”

“But,” Larry followed, “do you really want to dig yourself into that kind of hole again this year?” 

“Listen,” Triumph shot back, “dogs dig holes. That’s what we do. We thrive in holes. Besides, our competition makes it easy to get out of holes when we want to. I mean no disrespect to our first two opponents. The Animals and the Green are excellent teams — for me to poop on!

“And then there are the Bakers and the Bubbas, who are not so good but I can still poop on them, too.”

Raising his hand, WKRN’s Joe Biddle introduced himself and asked whether the Black Dogs were concerned about the fast start of their division rivals, the Cambridge Animals. “Oh, you’re Joe Biddle?” Triumph said. “I’ve heard of you. They told me all about the ‘I Beat Biddle’ contest. I think maybe we should change it to, ‘I Bite Biddle.’ That way we get more of our dogs involved.

“But wait, you asked a serious question even if it was about a non-serious team. Of course we are concerned about the Animals. They are humping everything that moves right now. They broke two curses last year. Anytime you go from a lineup being set each week by someone who has ingested mushrooms to a lineup set by someone who knows you need 14 active players, and not all of them should be from New England, you have to think they’re going to be more of a threat than before. But, you know, a lot of teams have been 2-0 after two games. Only one team has been undefeated after 16 games.”

“Looking ahead to this week,” Biddle asked, “how do you see this week’s game against the Ballers?” 

“I predict that, after this game, we will either be 1-and-2 or 0-and-3,” Triumph said. “I see we are an early 11-point underdog. That is a very large point spread — for me to poop on! Ask me next week, and I can tell you more.”

With that, Triumph disappeared behind the curtain as margaritas were served to reporters and a version of Todd Snider’s “Eastside Bulldogs,” with new lyrics touting Eastside Black Dogs, played over the stereo system.

Patricide Plagues NFFA in Wake of Jones Revelation

By C.T.E. Furall
Bikini Football League Gazette

Angel of Death, seen outside the Raider's training facility on Monday
 
After the Associated Press reported that while celebrating one of his four touchdowns, Aaron Jones lost a necklace he wears with a little black football containing some of the ashes of his late father, a rash of patricides has swept through the NFFA.

Aaron Rodgers, when asked about his father's recent death, replied that his 57-year-old father had been quite old for his age. Rodgers senior was found yesterday dressed for his daily high-impact workout with a stake through his heart. "I'm thinking that I should be good for the rest of season," Rodgers remarked. Rodgers is planning to wear a jock strap lined with his father's ashes.

Not to be outdone, Josh Allen, who, according to Bronko Nagurski, is off to a particularly poor start, plans to wear one of his dad's metacarpals through his nose starting Sunday in Washington against the Washington Football Team. "Mom said he had emphysema," Allen claimed. "So I figure COVID-19 had 'em in its targets anyway." Allen senior was spotted Sunday night in a vat of Buffalo wings by an employee at the Anchor Bar on Main St in Buffalo.

A receiver with seven drops already this season asked for anonymity before exclaiming to this reporter that "None of this is fair! Mama told me I ain't got no daddy. Wonder what would happen if she had an accident tho." 

Ezekiel Elliott also complained. "I cut my daddy's throat over a year ago and I still missed most of last season. Better carry over into this one or my stepdad gonna have to watch his step."

Rumors that Christian McCaffrey slew his entire family in July, cousins included, have not been confirmed, but authorities would like a closer look at his new necklace, which McCaffrey has claimed is made of puka shells.

Cole Beasley's father died of COVID-19 in August after the receiver returned from a Phish concert in Florida, which he attended as the special guest of Governor Ron DeSantis. "Maybe I'd be doing better right now if I had used a knife," Beasley commented.

Further details when they become available.

BAD BEAT BUMFUZZLES BELEAGUERED BALLERSMojo D loses it in real-time on ESPN

Baller-in-Chief Mojo D delivers an unhinged rant on ESPN2; Scott Van Pelt (r) looks on

By Soren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports Network

After an epic, up-and-down nail-biter in their Week 1 loss to the Boca Chica Daddies, Mojo D was Scott Van Pelt's guest during the ESPN host's hit segment "Bad Beats" Tuesday night. The Baller-in-Chief wasted no words: "It's the baddest beat in the history of bad beats, SVP! Somebody's lord and savior let down the team tonight - maybe the Almighty herself knocked that ball out of Lamar's hands - twice."

In case you missed it, the last 30 seconds and overtime were quite eventful for the Ballers - at the end of regulation, the Daddies and Ballers were tied at 180.4 (after Jackson's kneel-down erased a scant .1-point lead); in overtime, Jackson regained the lead on a short run, only to fumble on the next play, leading the Ballers to drop their first game of the 2021 season, 180.4-177.8.

Baller-in-Chief Mojo D was distraught and unhinged, even by the Ballers' very loose standards. After a lengthy diatribe on the new 15-week regular season (including describing fellow NFFA owners as "g*ddamn troglodytes messing with perfect symmetry"), he blamed the loss squarely and solely on QB Lamar Jackson: "anybody who says it never comes down to just one play is full of sh*t."

When Van Pelt - a regular at the SportsBook, according to Club Gitmo insiders - questioned Mojo D's coaching gaffes (particularly WR Tyler Lockett on the bench with 22 points), the Baller-in-Chief unleashed a stream of profanity that verged on glossolalia. When Van Pelt cut to commercial, Mojo D stormed off the set - complete with a hot mic which captured his disjointed mumbling about "lizard people," "ants under my skin," "godless Bakers" and "where's that confounded bridge?"

Mojo D's current whereabouts are unknown, but he has already set his lineup for Week 2. 

More on this story as it develops.

GREEN THE TEAM TO BEAT Club Gitmo Sportsbook releases 2021 odds

With quarterback Patrick Mahomes leading the way, the Club Gitmo Sportsbook believes the Village Green will make the leap from worst to first in 2021.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya 
FSN Sports

The oddsmakers at the Club Gitmo Sportsbook have made the Village Green prohibitive favorites to take the NFFA title in 2021. The much anticipated odds, released just before the season kicks off, list Dave Goodrow's team as a 5:1 bet to win it all. 

The West Nashville Beelzebubbas and East Nashville Black Dogs each were given odds of 15:1, while the Ballers were slotted at 30:1. The London Bakers, Boca Chica Daddies and Sylvan Goats enter the season with 60:1 odds.

No odds were made available on the defending champion Cambridge Animals, who have already declared themselves the ultimate winner for the season.

Saddam Hussein, President of Iraq and CEO of the Sportsbook, explained in a Thursday breakfast press conference that the late addition of a 15th game to the season required a last-minute recalculation, which in some cases scrambled the odds. “For example,” Hussein said, “the Ballers would have been 15:1 favorites with a traditional 14-game schedule, but drawing the Bubbas a third time significantly downgraded their chances. Just the bad luck of the draw.”

Asked by reporter Woody Larry whether the higher odds against the Ballers wasn't simply a strategem to draw more bets on the Ballers, Hussein smiled faintly and replied, “Mojo D's money is welcome in my house. So much of it has found a home here over the years, that we had to add a new wing, but there is always room for more.”

Meanwhile, Hussein added, the addition of QB Pat Mahomes represented a “Green new deal” for Goodrow's team. “With Stuart Smalley calling the shots,” he said, “they're good enough, they're smart enough, and by golly they're gender ambiguous enough to take it all.”

MEAN GREEN On paper, the Villagers have the best team

Village Green owner Dave Goodrow was all smiles after his team won the draft.

By R.E. Porter 
Associated Web Press

After winning the Patrick Mahomes sweepstakes by finishing dead last a season ago, the Village Green won the 2021 draft and appear poised to win their second title. Or at least that’s what an analysis of NFFA rosters suggests. 

“The first pick does have its advantages,” deadpanned Green owner Dave Goodrow the morning after the draft.

Looking at three metrics based on the league player rankings, the Green rank first in all three categories, and it’s not even close. 

When it comes to Top 100 players, they have 16 on their 23-man roster, which is four more than the East Nashville Black Dogs, who have second-most with 12. Fourteen of those 16 Green players rank in the Top 75 and half of those rank in the Top 50. Here’s the complete breakdown of Top 50, Top 75, and Top 100 players per team:

Most Top 100 Players (Top 50-Top 75-Top 100)

1. Green: 7-14-16

2. Black Dogs: 7-9-12

3. Ballers: 8-11-11

4. Animals: 4-7-11

5. Beelzebubbas: 8-8-10

6. Daddies: 5-8-10

7. Goats: 5-8-10

8. Bakers: 5-6-10

Looking at each team’s full roster, the average ranking per player for the Green is 102.7. The next-closest team is the Ballers with an average per player ranking of 121.7. By comparison, the bottom three teams in that category are all right around an average ranking per player of 200: London Bakers, 199.0; Boca Chica Daddies, 200.4; and the Sylvan Goats, 203.4.

Average Ranking Per Player

1. Green: 102. 7

2. Ballers: 121.7

3. Beelzebubbas: 132.0

4. Black Dogs: 135.7

5. Animals: 136.1

6. Bakers: 199.0

7. Daddies: 200.4

8. Goats: 203.4

Some teams take a flyer on rookies and other lower-ranked players near the end of the draft, but the Green also easily lead an adjusted average ranking per player breakdown (which eliminates the two lowest-ranked players per team from the calculation) with an adjusted ranking of 83.7. Compare that to the Ballers with an adjusted average ranking of 104.7 and the Black Dogs and West Nashville Beelzebubbas with an adjusted ranking of 107.1 and 107. 5 respectively.

Adjusted Average Ranking Per Player

1. Green: 83. 7

2. Ballers: 104.7

3. Black Dogs: 107.1

4. Beelzebubbas: 107.5

5. Animals: 113.1

6. Daddies: 124.6

7. Goats: 127.0

8. Bakers: 145.6

A high school geometry teacher once told me, “Figures don’t lie, but liars figure.” When it comes to the NFFA’s advanced analytics, the figures figure the Green will be holding the Dead Lombardi trophy high at the end of the season.

NAGURSKI TOUTS RULE CHANGES

 By C.T.E. Furall
Bikini Football League Gazette

                             Bronko Nagurski Meets the Press
 

At a news conference on Monday Sylvan Goats owner Bronko Nagurski proposed rule changes designed to return football to its virile origins. For years Nagurski has expressed dismay over changes implemented to reduce injuries, but today for the first time he proposed his own modifications.

“We need to eliminate the fair catch and make punted balls live, like with the kickoff,” Nagurski declared. “No one wants to see grown men standing still catching balls like toddlers in the backyard. But some little f*ck like Tyrek Hill blasted off his feet, his body landing ten yards from his shoes, that’s entertainment.” Asked whether the move might risk more injuries, Nagurski responded:

“Injuries are part of the game, always have been. Trouble is they disrupt game flow. I want trapdoors on the field running along the hash marks. When someone goes down – boom! Roll ‘em into the nearest trapdoor. And side benefit: women might enjoy the game more if they didn’t have to look at broken players writhing on the sidelines or littered about the field.” Asked if the trapdoors would lower players into treatment facilities for faster medical attention, Nagurski said, “Sure, you could do that too if you want, conveyor belts, whatever. Just get ‘em off the field.”

Nagurski also touted uniform changes. “All kickers,” he declared, “should wear tutus."

"And quarterbacks – they’re too protected these days: they should wear crotchless pants, get more skin in the game. Who wouldn’t enjoy seeing a square hit on Mahomes’ pork and beans?”

 

 

 

As security converged on the lectern Nagurski shouted: “We need more injuries, not less! Let’s go back to leather helmets, no face guards. Sure, some guys might not want to spear anymore, but real men will launch themselves anyway. We should have a hardest hit prize, call it the Jack Tatum Award. I think football should not just hurt, it should hurt a lot.”

As Nagurski was wrestled to the ground, a reporter called out a question about CTE.

“What do whales have to do with anything?” Nagurski yelled. “One more thing: let’s go back to leather helmets, no face guards! Some--” But security guards had forced a kicking tee into Nagurski’s mouth and his closing words were garbled.

Contacted after the presser, league spokesperson Ben Dover had no comment. NFFA Commissioner Bill Money, reached at home, remarked: “Nagurski’s proposals are as plausible as they are sound.”