MIDTERM GRADES: THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY

Is DTA the greatest coach in the
history of fantasy football?

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Editor's note: This report was delayed by Associated Web Press attorneys because of potentially libelous language included in the original draft. The language has been either altered or removed after review by the director of league security.

The NFFA midterm grades are in and with only three teams above .500, the marks fall into one of three categories: the good, the bad or the ugly.

THE GOOD
Corsairs (6-1) — The Corsairs went to the head of the class by combining a strong draft with some good luck — their opponents are averaging only 136 points per game against them. Ironically, the team's only loss is to the Village Green, who the Corsairs had penciled in two wins against before the season kickoff. Grade: A

The Village Green (5-2) — If not for two early games when owner Goody Goodridge rebelled against his draft gurus and kept a pair of stud RBs (Fred Jackson, Maurice Jones-Drew) on the bench, The Green would be atop the 2011 class. If their success carries them all the way to the playoffs, it will continue a trend within the league in which new owners make the playoffs in their first season. Grade: A-

Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (5-2) — No Peyton Manning, no problem. Just when the rest of the league was salivating at the impending demise of the feared and loathed Hogs of the Sea, Tirik Obobber's charges did what they've done in every season except one — and that's "just win, baby." Grade: A-

THE BAD
Cambridge Animals (3-4) — The Awesome Awesomeness prevails. Despite being dead last in scoring, more than 100 points below the team with the second fewest points, Cambridge hit the halfway post atop the Jorge division, further validating Dave the Animal as not only the Coach of the Year in 2011 in the NFFA, but the greatest coach in the history of fantasy football, not just this league, but all present and future leagues, confirming Nancy's five-year-old prophecy that he would be remembered as a coaching genius, the greatest of the great. If this grade were just for coaching, it would be an A+. Grade: C+

Atlanta Smack Daddies (3-4) — The defending NFFA champions have got to be saying to themselves, "WTF?" Only one game below .500, which normally would have them squarely in the hunt for a wild-card playoff berth entering the season's second half, the Daddies find themselves in the cellar, three games behind in the race for the division title. Grade: C-

East Nashville Black Dogs (3-4) — When Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon announced that Jizzle McMizzle was dead to him the expectation was that the Black Dogs would return to division-leading form. And while it's true they are tied with the Animals for the division lead, they didn't think they would be there with a record south of .500. Asked about his team's less-than-stellar performance thus far, McMahon said, "If my quarterbacks hadn't [expletive] me, we'd be 5-2. Grade: C-

THE UGLY
West Nashville Beelzebubbas (2-5) — The ghost of the ghost of Biggs is the first to admit his team's first half was "uglier than a Chinese football field." The 'Bubbas lost their first four games to put themselves in a big hole, but amazingly found themselves only one game out of first place in the division at the midway mark. And things may be looking up for the second-half run — they finished the first half winning two of three and may have found the big-game quarterback they were lacking in Ben Roethlisberger. Grade: D

12th Avenue Bakers (1-6) — In week one, the Bakers scored 196 points on their way to a 63.5-point trouncing of the defending champions from Atlanta. Bakers quarterback Tom Brady put up 72 points himself in that game,and the team was on top of the NFFA world. The following week, Dave the Animal had a curse put on the Bakers because he felt owner QCurl Sharif had stolen Brady from him. The second weekend, the Bakers did the unthinkable — they scored 200 points and lost. And they've lost every game since. And in every game, Brady's point totals have declined — from 72 to 60 to 50 to 34 to 35 and 35 again. One division observer said DTA's curse was so toxic it had affected not only his own team, but the entire division. In the 12 South area, aka Bakerville, the fans are restless, even though the team is still only two games out of first. The Occupy Bakerville movement has crippled the neighborhood and Sharif has given head coach Snoop Dogg the dreaded vote of confidence. Heads surely will be rolling soon down Avenue Q. Grade: F

TOP DOGG: Snoop, QCurl Talk Bakers' Resurrection

BANJO MAN — Snoop Dogg strikes out at the heart of a new colonialism.






By Damon Bunyan
Ideaology of Sport Magazine

NASHVILLE — After two nights of heart-wrenching talks, the 12th Ave. Bakers have decided to keep Snoop Dogg as head coach, despite a six-game skid, and despite the rumors flying around Bakertown that the winningest coach in franchise history was about to be canned mid-season.

At a press conference this afternoon in the Dali banquet room of the Cherry Bomb Cafe, owner QCurl Sharif and Dogg stood alongside one another at the podium and talked of salvaging even this worst of seasons, the future of Amy Winehouse, and the racist tendencies found in the league and American society as a whole.

"I think the Curl felt the swirl when we first sat down the other night," Dogg said. "But he's obviously disappointed in the way this has all run downhill after those first couple of weeks. Hell, nobody's more disappointed than the big Sniz. I've got to put my third eye back on the team. The other two are too bloodshot to see anything anyway."

A misty-eyed Sharif pointed out that the Forget To Hate campaign started by his dear friend McMizzle actually triggered a chain reaction throughout the Bakers' front office in which the top brass realized they actually had forgotten to hate.

"We were going soft," Sharif said. "I think we thought we could win in this league on glitz and flash without killing anyone. I personally am re-dedicating myself to cold murder. And, I really think we can get back on the hatewagon this weekend in Atlanta. I know some of our key players have disappeared of late and the last straw was Lardarius Webb's laying down against the Animals the other night. If these guys think they can sleepwalk their way to the top, they're gonna wind up playing for some of those idiots in the Linardo Division."

Dogg agreed. Though unable to explain the disparity in the NFFA this year, he still felt the balance will return.

"In reality, these guys over in the Linardo shack are living within an illlusion. They are an enema wrapped inside a girdle. For one thing, those owners are a collection of white men that like to live off the strength of others. You know what I'm sayin? They have their boats, they have their linen suits, they live in the marbled halls and have no clue to the rhythm of the street. Evil walks over there, for shizzle. That drum you hear comin off the USS Corsair ain't the pep band..

"And even though the owners in the Jorge scene are white too, they don't know it. We don't see color over here. In fact, we do so many substances, the owners have become transparent. Curl adapts to the environment like an effin' chameleon! I think it's all about bad karma and the new Colonialism, and the Tea Party, that the owners in the Linardo Division represent. And, just because of that, I think you'll see the balance of power return to the NFFA over the next few weeks. The Bakes gonna hate and do their share!"

Later in the press conference, Sharif ordered Touchdown Tasers for everyone present and asked for a moment of silence to recognize the gravity of the moral fight in front of everyone, before downing the drinks and removing all manner of clothing. As the people, including the press, began to intermingle, some pairing off, and others gathering in steaming groups, Sharif urged all to "stick it to the man!"

"Remember, we're taking the high road," he said, swaying to an organic melody known only to him. Then, as the Cherry Bomb began to seethe, the crowd was treated to the sight of Amy Winehouse being lowered from a vaulted ceiling on the back of a bleeding, bellowing, and dying bull, wearing the new trademark 'Remember To Hate" t-shirt now on sale at the Bakers' gift shop.

Sharif continued to shout above the din as the speakers began to wail with "Back To Black," urging the spontaneous revelers to note the Bakers were still only two games back in their division, and to "kill, suck, thrill!"

MCMAHON TO THE WORLD: 'FORGET TO HATE'

Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon sports a T-shirt bearing the
name of his new nonprofit endeavor, "Forget to Hate."

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

If the first four weeks of the NFFA season are any indication, the league's tenth season is going to be its most acrimonious. And that's saying a lot for a league whose history includes murder, sex slavery, castration, boot bombs, arson and thousands of gallons of Haterade. But this season, they may have to start ordering Haterade by the tanker truck.

In the midst of all this hatemongering, one man has said, "Enough is enough!" Inspired by something he was told about 12th Avenue Bakers owner and man about town QCurl Sharif, East Nashville Black Dogs head coach Jim McMahon has launched a new nonprofit organization called "Forget To Hate."

McMahon announced the formation of the new organization Wednesday at his weekly media circus now being held at Eastside Fish, which claims to serve the "crunkest fish in town."

"Don't get me wrong, the NFFA has always been filled with hate — just ask my boss Buddy Ryan," McMahon said. "But when I heard recently that DTA [Cambridge Animals boss Dave the Animal] was debating whether to focus on his own team's success or put all his energies into seeing that the Bakers lose, and was even contemplating loaning his best players to whomever the Bakers are playing each week, I realized the league's level of hate has taken a quantum leap."

The Bakers and their mercurial owner Sharif are in the middle of a lot of the acrimony. One league insider says it's because of the monkeys, which he insists has brought the league nothing but bad luck. And it is true Sharif introduced monkeys to the league's menagerie of characters — who could forget the late Mr. TD and the late Furious George.

But the Bakers, who face McMahon's team this week, also are in the thick of the turf wars on the West side of Nashvegas involving the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, the Corsairs (formerly the Midtown Mojo) and now The Village Green. There have been whispers up and down the stretch of 12th Avenue South known as Avenue Q that Sharif is planning to expand his territory all the way to West End Avenue, now that the Corsairs are based offshore.

Before making their move, the Corsairs ceded the 24 blocks encompassing Hillsboro Village to Goody Goodridge, which puts The Village Green right in the crossfire between the Bakers and Bubbas — a love-hate relationship, but mostly hate, which dates to the league's origins.

McMahon said he was at Club Gitmo last week when a person close to the West Nashville organization said Sharif drinks more Haterade than anyone in the league, but because of all the other substances he consumes, "QCurl forgets to hate."

"I thought what a far-out guy QCurl is that he would forget to hate," McMahon said. "He's an inspiration to us all."

The coach said the Forget To Hate organization will try to reduce gang violence in the East Nasty, as well as provide support for victims of memory loss caused by substance abuse.

In other Black Dogs news, McMahon said despite suffering a loss to the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs last weekend, the game's Bobberhead chew toy promotion was a "smashing success." Doggie chew toys in the shape of Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber's head were given to the first 10,000 fans who showed up with their dog.

McMahon said while it wasn't as exciting as seeing dogs chomp down on actual Sea Hogs fans, as happened a few years ago at the Dawg House stadium in East Nashville, the dogs seemed to really enjoy sinking their fangs into the replica of Obobber's head. "If the amount of dog slobber was any indication, the promotion was a big hit," he said.

As is his custom, McMahon closed his media conference with a Latin phrase, this time giving a nod to his new nonprofit, saying, "Memor ut alieno odio."