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| An architectural rendering of the Desert Flower, the new stadium and space complex in Boca Chica, Texas, where the Daddies will play this season. |
By Woody Larry
FSN Sports
There is shocking news on the first morning of NFFA media days. In a Zoom call from a sparse team headquarters in Buckhead, Georgia, SmackDaddies Community Outreach Director Alge Crumpler, resplendent in a black and red velour warm-up suit with gold piping, announced that Lex Dominica had sold 49.999999% of the team stock to entrepreneur and billionaire business magnate Elon Musk.
“After the bullshit that went down in last year’s playoffs, Mr. Dominica has decided to get real,” Crumpler said. “He (Dominica) knows the league title was his for the taking last year, but something sketchy happened on the way to his 5th league title. And if there’s anyone who knows sketchy, it’s Lex.”
Sitting next to Crumpler, Atlanta attorney Lin Wood grabbed the microphone and announced that he has been hired by Dominica to represent the franchise in all legal matters. He said the theft of the league title is merely the tip of the iceberg.
“We are here to fight the evil that surrounds us all, Wood said. “We know that the scoring system was hacked, totals were changed, and the SmackDaddies actually won last year by thousands of points. But this is not just about one stolen championship. This about the tyranny. Everybody on this call is waiting for the day Lex Dominica steps out in front of the cameras and say to the masses 'We won,'" Wood told the crowd, before adding: "I'm a little different.
"You're waiting for that day, I'm waiting for this day: The day where Lex walks on stage in front of the masses and looks at you and says 'I am still the champion.' Because he didn't let go, Lex Dominica will never let go,” Wood loudly exclaimed. “The fraudsters – and they know who they are – are about to get bitten by an angry Gila monster.”
Wood then appeared to write out the letter "Q" with his finger while repeating the line "he’s still the champion."
An obviously annoyed Crumpler arm-barred Wood away from the microphone and turned on a monitor on the table to reveal new minority owner Elon Musk.
A bemused Musk, standing on what appeared to be a launch pad at his headquarters in Boca Chica, Texas, said he welcomed the challenge on taking on the next frontier, the NFFA.
“Any billionaire these days can go to space,” Musk said. “But to be one of the owners in the greatest fantasy sports league of all time, well, I can honestly say that’s my dream come true. Let Bezos go to Mars for all I care. Lex Dominica and I will be conquering the final frontier that really matters — the NFFA.
“I welcome the opportunity to officially join forces with Lex,” Musk added. “He’s a winner. Like myself, Lex Dominica is worried about the future of the NFFA. It’s very important for all life on Earth. This supersedes political parties, race, creed, religion, it doesn’t matter. If we do not solve this conspiracy, we’re all damned!” Musk said.
Musk announced that Dominica had agreed to move all operations, except medical research that will remain in Sochi, Russia, to Boca Chica. He said his headquarters had its own solar-powered energy grid and didn’t have to rely on, as he put it, “the single-wattage brain-power of Rick Perry or that of, as Musk put it, that two-wheeled semiconductor also known as Greg Abbott.
“One other thing: With the full resources of SpaceX available to this franchise, we are serving notice that Italian military satellites, Jewish space lasers and whatever else may be out there had better watch out. Our team has an ally in the heavens that will protect the integrity of this great league.”
And in an announcement that cemented his view of a new frontier, Musk made this earth-shattering announcement.
“Our franchise will no longer be known as the Atlanta SmackDaddies. From this day forward, we will be known as our binary name:
01010011|01100011|011000011|01101011|01000100|01100001|01100100|01100100|01101001|01100101|01110011|00001101.
"Or as people around here call us, the Boca Chica Daddies."
Musk also said Dominica had been the one to embrace this change. He then turned and had the camera span to an easel to revel the new logo of the storied franchise:
Musk then announced he and his creative technology team had created the world’s largest fleet of 3-d printers, and as its most sophisticated project to date, had been constructing the new home for the franchise. He said all indications were that the new stadium and space complex would be completed by opening day. He then showed a rendering how the space/sports complex will look when completed.
According to Musk, architecture firm Soprano Design Group was demanded by Dominica and responsible for the Musk Desert Flower, a floral-inspired complex that will serve as the world’s first multifunctional sports/space center. The center will feature a variety of sporting facilities and host a 14.000 seat stadium. To minimize the building's environmental impact, the architects topped the structures with 430,000 square feet of solar panels.
And, according to Musk, the 3-D printers have used what the Soprano spokesman said was “their own” recyclable materials in the construction process.
When asked if they had sold naming rights to the stadium, the visual returned back to Crumpler at the deserted SmackDaddies complex, where he had a highly agitated Wood in a secure headlock.
“Naming rights?” Crumpler huffed. “We don’t need some hokey name,” said Crumpler . “We got all the money we need. Our new stadium will simply be known as “Come and get you some, Bitches.”
And with that, the screen went dark.
