DISGRUNTLED BAKER FANS TORCH LOCAL EATERY

Sheik Jabouti, spiritual leader of the Fedayeen Bakers fan organization, gives the signal for fans to torch a local Denny's, apparently in the mistaken belief that the restaurant was owned by and named for Bakers' owner GQ Denney.

DISGRUNTLED BAKER FANS TORCH LOCAL EATERY
‘Death to Denny’s!’ Shout 12 South Militants

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

In an apparent case of mistaken identity, or guilt by association, several hundred members of the Fedayeen Bakers Fan Club stormed and set fire to the last remaining Denny’s restaurant in Nashville Wednesday.

The attack came as the fans, increasingly distraught over the team’s most dismal start ever, continued to blame Bakers owner GQ Denney for their on-field woes. After the Bakers were crushed by previously winless Atlanta last weekend, the fans rallied outside the Islamic Center on 12th Avenue and began chanting, “Death to GQ Denney” instead of their usual “Death to the Great Satan America and the Li’l Satan Triki Bobber!”

Then, led by a man known as Sheik Jaboudi, a Kurdish cab driver described as the group’s “spiritual leader,” the Fedayeen Bakers caravanned to a Denny’s restaurant, demanded 100 Super Grand-Slam Breakfasts as an offering to impoverished Muslims, and then set fires inside after taking the food. The building was declared a total loss, and Denny’s corporate offices said there are no plans to rebuild.

“Because of the name,” said Nashville police chief Ronal Serpas, “they apparently thought Denny’s was owned by GQ. If there hadn’t been snipers from Blackwater on the roof of the Cherry Bomb, no telling what the mob might have done there.”

Amid the growing turbulence in the neighborhood, Denney appeared briefly on a balcony outside his penthouse residence at the café and announced that the Bakers would “pull the upset of the decade” against the heavily favored Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs on Sunday. (Team sources who demanded anonymity said the sentence featured the first words other than “Triki Bobber” that Denney had uttered in nearly two weeks.

The sources outlined a secret plan hatched by Denney to lead a “team retreat” at his Hohenwald compound, where he would force his players to drink a poisoned mixture of Kool-Aid and Grey Goose vodka, cryogenically preserve their bodies and then re-animate them in time for Sunday’s kickoff. “The idea,” the source said, “is to give the team a fresh start. He’s already planning to call it ‘Miracle on Ice II.” Other sources within the Cherry Bomb Café confirmed the outlines of this story. Denney was said to be resting and unavailable for comment.

MOJO, BUBBAS QUESTION NFFA INTEGRITY

West Nashville owner Boyd X. Biggs, shown here in a reflective
mood at the Cherry Bomb Café, wonders if NFFA scoring is legit.

MOJO, BUBBAS QUESTION NFFA INTEGRITY
Bobber Fined Yet Again

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

In a development that threatens to shake the NFFA to its core, owners of both the Midtown Mojo and West Nashville Beelzebubbas questioned the league’s integrity Tuesday following their weekend match-up.

It is believed to be the first time both the winners and losers of an NFFA game complained of unfairness.

On Monday, Mojo D suggested that Commissioner William D. Money was manipulating scores in favor of the Beelzebubbas, after the Bubbas rallied from behind to take the lead. Mojo D had even issued a taunting press release claiming victory before his team fell behind — a move that East Nashville’s Jim McMahon laughingly described as “premature smackulation” at his Wednesday press conference.

For his part, West Nashville Coach Boyd X. Biggs questioned Money’s integrity, saying, “When your team has scored 1075 more points than any other team, and you’re only 1-2, you know something’s up — like maybe Money’s bank balance.” (The Beelzebubbas actually have scored only 33.5 more points than the next highest total, by the Fidalgo Island Seahogs.)

Money took no action Wednesday against either team, instead levying a $100,000 fine against the Seahogs, whom Money suggested had “poisoned the well” by becoming the first organization to question the commissioner’s basic fairness.

From a different corner, Bobber took a verbal hit along with the financial one. During his address to the United Nations in New York, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad denounced “Tinky Boober” as a prime example of “American criminal imperialist insanity, and by the way also homosexuality, which of course does not exist in Iran.”

According to Ahmadinejad, it was the “depth of hypocrisy” for the United States to demand that Iran end its “peaceful” nuclear program while allowing proliferation by Bobber, whom the Iranian leader characterized as “the little Satan.” Ahmadinejad failed to mention the U.S. Army’s invasion of Fidalgo Island last December.

After being told of Ahmadinejad’s remarks, McMahon smiled and began similarly referring to Bobber, whose team repelled the Black Dogs on Monday, as “Li’l Satan” or “L.S.” He also referred to Mojo D as “Mini-Me” and a “rookie world dominator wannabe who’s not criminal enough or insane enough for prime time yet.”

McMahon’s weekly Q&A at the Cherry Bomb Cafe ended in chaos after a young male questioner, apparently inspired by a current TV ad campaign, asked McMahon, “Coach, did you know somebody just took off with your Coors Light?”

McMahon replied, “Fortunately, I have an answer for you here in my pocket.” Then he reached in and produced a 9mm pistol, which he aimed directly at his interrogator as people fled the room in panicked shouts. “It probably wasn’t loaded,” McMahon told police, who were seen escorting the questioner and several other young men — who appeared to be wearing Midtown Mojo T-shirts beneath their jackets — into an elevator that leads to the basement of the Cherry Bomb.

MOJO GM: 'WE HUNG BIGGS' SLAVE INITIAL BACK ON HIM'

A startled guest at the Bellagio snapped this photo with her mobile
moments before she was showered with flaming banana

MOJO GM: 'WE HUNG BIGGS' SLAVE INITIAL BACK ON HIM'
Adds: 'We just want Jojo home.'

By Kimon Iwannalayya, Fantasy Sports Network

After a turbulent week for the Midtown Mojo and a thrilling win over West Nashville, GM Rosetta Stone hastily called a rare press conference Sunday night to call out Beelzebubbas' owner Boyd X. Biggs. "Now that the team has soundly hung Boyd B. Biggs' slave initial back on him, we are compelled to announce that we have clear evidence of Biggs' importing soccer hooligans from Chelsea into West Nashville, to do crimes that paint the Mojo as outlaws. Although there is not much past us morally, ethically, physically or otherwise, we draw the line at shaving dogs, assaulting old folks and crap-smearing churches."

Stone continued with a schadenfreude borne of vindication: "amusing as those juvenile antics are, we prefer to do our damage on the field — something you can see in this week's result. Apparently, that's lost on Biggs, who seems to focus more on the off-the-field machinations of this bunch of stupidly wealthy misfits, bad seeds, monomaniacs, junkies, punk-asses and the criminally insane. As far as Biggs' thinly veiled threat that 'someone wants to get cut,' we remind him of our own motto that 'you should really put that away before you get hurt.'"

Mojo Jojo: Out of Control in Vegas
Stone also addressed the recent reports of team mascot Mojo Jojo's aberrant behavior in Las Vegas and MIA status on Planet Mojo. It started at the MTV Awards a few weeks ago, when Jojo joined up with uber-skank Britney Spears for a few days of partying which culminated in her "performance" that was the talk of the media. Jojo egged on Spears to wear even less than she finally did, but as soon as the fallen pop starlet took the stage, Jojo made a beeline for the green room, where he latched onto Kanye West, whom he begged "to get me the hell outta here, Kanye — give a damn monkey a break!!"

Jojo hid out with West's posse, trying to avoid Spears' wrath. Since then, the mascot has been laying low at the Bellagio, with occasional forays into the casino and restaurants to watch his namesake team, but surviving mainly on the weekly case of Patron tequila that is part of his deal with Midtown. Recent benders included a relentless taunting of the Bakers and the "helpless GQ Denney — bless his shriveled, little black heart: he's doing the best he can," which was followed by six minutes of maniacal laughter. Week 2 found Jojo in a profanity-laced tirade at Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, commissioner William D. Money, and most colorfully, "their butt-pirate Buddy Ryan." When asked if the league could expect a weekly episode from Jojo, he muttered "maybe — but not when we play the Sea Hogs: I do not mess with the criminally insane..."

But Week 3's reports of malfeasance on Planet Mojo outraged the evil giant monkey. When he heard about the reports coming off the NFFA Newswire Friday night, he descended from his suite to the Bellagio restaurant Le Cirque, where he loudly ordered Bananas Foster Flambe for all the guests in honor of "his worthy opponents, the Beelzebubbas." When the wait staff delivered the order to Jojo's table, he immediately sprang up on the table and hurled the flaming, alcoholic desserts around the restaurant, screaming incoherently about "putting Biggs' slave initial back on him." Six diners and eight servers were injured in the melee, and Jojo disappeared into a limo heading north.

When asked for comment, Stone replied "well, I guess this is what we get for our annual $500 license fee and a case of Patron a week. We are just anxious for Jojo to come home, get healthy and fulfill his damned contractual obligations to actually show up at the games." A reporter asked Stone about the reports that the Bakers' reportedly deceased mascot Mr. TD and Mojo Jojo share more than a species heritage, and she angrily screeched "this press conference is over, you f**king vulture!"

Franchise owner Mojo D — under the protection of his trusted Tin Hat Brigadiers "just in case Biggs crosses the line again," according to Stone — was holed up in an undisclosed, secure part of the Planet Mojo compound and unavailable for comment.

BLACK DOGS SET FOR RE-INVASION

Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon shakes the hand of one of the members of
the Air Force Dog crew prior to the team's departure for Fidalgo Island.

BLACK DOGS SET FOR RE-INVASION
Heavily armored McMahon readies for Fidalgo Island trip

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

When East Nashville Black Dogs Coach Jim McMahon vowed at his weekly press conference that this week’s game against the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs would be “a war,” he evidently wasn’t kidding.

As the Dogs prepared to leave Nashville Friday, team players and personnel were issued bulletproof flak jackets and kevlar-coated helmets. In addition, sources say, McMahon persuaded GM Buddy Ryan to rent Humvees reinforced with armor plating, which will take the Black Dogs from the airport in Seattle to their team hotel (an undisclosed location) and, ultimately, to Sea Hogs Stadium.

At McMahon’s insistence, the Black Dogs’ private Boeing 747, dubbed Air Force Dog, will follow a corkscrew descent into Seattle, similar to those used by U.S. planes landing in Baghdad. Mine detection teams from the Blackwater private security firm will precede the Black Dogs on Fidalgo Island’s main road to sweep for improvised explosive devices (IEDs).

The extraordinary security measures appeared extreme to some, given that Fidalgo Island was invaded and occupied last December by U.S. Special Forces under the command of General George Washington Leornard. The troops met no resistance at that time, there have been no attacks since, and Sea Hogs owner Triki Bobber has not returned to the island.

“You have to understand,” said a Black Dogs’ source on condition of anonymity, “Mac wants to be prepared for anything. That’s the kind of coach he is. And you want to be doubly prepared when you’re going up against someone who has been certified as criminally insane.”

The Black Dogs-Sea Hogs rivalry game isn’t the weekend’s only match where violence is feared. Nashville police were on high alert for the West Nashville Beelzebubbas-Midtown Mojo game after knife-wielding youths from Midtown, all sporting the team’s colors, invaded a West Nashville neighborhood yesterday. Police said the gang members slashed the tires of parked cars, assaulted three people at a high rise for senior citizens, and smeared human feces on the doors of two churches. In the wake of the mayhem, Beelzebubbas’ Coach Boyd X. Biggs said at his weekly press conference that “Midtown is about to be annexed to West Nashville. And somebody’s obviously lookin’ to get cut.”

Meanwhile, in the 12 South District, Vatican emissary Giorgio Cardinal Leonardo announced that he would begin a public vigil of prayer and fasting for beleaguered Bakers owner GQ Denney. In seclusion and said to be heavily sedated since the Bakers fell to 0-2, with a dead-last power ranking of 3.5, Denney did not attend his team’s weekly press conference as usual. Instead, promised spokesperson Faith Popcorn, Denney would respond to media questions by e-mail. This correspondent, serving as pool reporter, collected and submitted 23 questions to Denney on Tuesday. On Wednesday morning, Denney replied in an e-mail with a cryptic, two-word answer — “Triki Bobber” — to each of the 23 questions. Popcorn said Denney would have no further comment until game time.

$12 MILLION MCMAHON

East Nashville GM Buddy Ryan taking questions at the press conference where he announced a lucrative contract extension for head coach Jim McMahon (inset).

$12 MILLION MCMAHON
Black Dogs coach receives 20-year contract extension

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

How many Touchdown Tasers™ can you buy with $12 million? East Nashville head coach Jim McMahon now can find out if he wants, after the Black Dogs extended his contract yesterday.

At a press conference this morning at the team's headquarters on Riverside Drive, GM Buddy Ryan announced that the team has made McMahon the highest paid coach in professional football after extending his contract for an unprecedented 20 years. The new contract will pay the coach an average of $12 million annually.

"Since I turned the coaching reins over to Mac in 2005 season, we've scored more points than any other franchise," Ryan said. "The man's a [expletive] offensive genius, not to mention an offensive [expletive] genius, and we didn't want to let him get away." When asked if there was any truth to the rumor that GQ Denney was trying to lure McMahon to 12th Avenue, Ryan said, "Hell, GQ doesn't have to lure Mac to 12th Avenue, he's over there all the damn time, at the Cherry Bomb Café."

Reached on the practice field where he was preparing his team for their upcoming game with Fidalgo Island, McMahon said, "I want to thank Buddy for having faith in me and giving me a chance to lead the Black Dogs for 20 more seasons. Now, if you will excuse me, my team and I are discussing how many different ways you can barbecue a Sea Hog — we'll call it a Bobber-Q."

BLACK DOGS MASCOTS KIDNAPPED

Cerberus, still bearing the Mojo logo, is shown here resting in the NFFA's
underground command center after his alleged escape from Mojo D.

BLACK DOGS MASCOTS KIDNAPPED
Mojo D suspected; turf war feared

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

In a development that threatens the fragile peace within the NFFA, two of the East Nashville Black Dogs’ mascots were apparently kidnapped Saturday night.

After a number of anxious hours at Black Dogs headquarters, the missing animals, Cerberus and Muerte, were rescued Sunday afternoon after team officials received an anonymous tip. The dogs, who also are pets of Black Dogs owner and NFFA Commissioner William D. Money, were found running through a Midtown neighborhood.

Someone had apparently used a stencil and white spray paint to mark each side of the dogs with the logo of the Midtown Mojo, the Black Dogs’ opponent on Sunday. The circumstantial evidence, sources say, led Money to conclude that Midtown owner Mojo D was behind the kidnapping. They also said that Money had brought the dogs to the commissioner’s underground command center beneath the NFFA Tower downtown.

Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon on Monday said that the Mojo “needed greetings from McMahonistan” — an apparent reference to a fertilizer bomb that left a 20-foot wide crater in 12th Avenue last year. When pressed further, McMahon, who had already consumed three Touchdown Tasers™ before beginning his weekly press conference, said, “Isn’t it obvious that this guy (Mojo D) is just a rookie wannabe? He’s like Tupac, trying to establish some street cred.

“One, the damn dogs got away. And, two, what’s he doing kidnapping dogs to begin with? Take a real criminal lunatic, like [Triki] Bobber. He kidnaps Money’s daughters as sex slaves. Maybe Mojo was going to make sex slaves out of the dogs before they escaped; I don’t know. But this looks more like a fraternity prank than something a real NFFA team would do. I’m not sure if the HoJo’s are ready for prime time.”

With that, McMahon abruptly ended the press conference and grabbed two Touchdown Tasers™ from the bar, saying he “had to go upstairs and offer some advice to GQ [Denney]. He’s been talking all night to Lombardi and Hendrix and Mr. TD. I want to give them a break.”

RECORDS FALL IN WEEK TWO

QB Carson Palmer set a new individual scoring mark with 71 points
in the Beelzebubbas’ record-setting win over the Smack Daddies.

RECORDS FALL IN WEEK TWO
Beelzebubbas set new scoring mark

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

With their 233.5 - 108.5 stomping of the defending champions Atlanta Smack Daddies in week two, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas not only established a new team single-game scoring mark — the franchise also sent a bold message to their NFFA opponents that they are back!

Since 2002, when West Nashville won the first NFFA championship, longtime observers of the league have watched team owner and coach Boyd X. Biggs focus less and less on fielding a competitive team and more and more on his off-the-field interests. But that all seems to be in the past now, as the Beelzebubbas sit atop the league power rankings after scoring 387 points over the first two weeks.

“I’m humbled by this team accomplishment,” Biggs said. “As we all know, a coach is only as good as his players and the performance-enhancing substances they take.” With misty eyes, he added, “This one was for Jorge.”

The Beelzebubbas topped the record of 231 points set last season in week 10 by the East Nashville Black Dogs in their victory over the Alamo Scouts. With their record-setting performance, the 'Bubbas became only the second team to score 200 or more points. The Black Dogs have done it three times.

The team single-game scoring mark was not the only record to fall in week two. West Nashville QB Carson Palmer also set a new individual single-game scoring record with 71 points in the team’s smacking of the Daddies. Palmer’s total eclipsed the previous mark of 68 points set by then Cambridge Animals QB Drew Brees in week 14 of 2006.

One other score of note: The Animals became the seventh franchise to score 190 or more points with their 192.5 - 182.5 upset of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, leaving the Midtown Mojo as the only franchise to have never scored at least 190 points.

NFFA Top Single Game Scores
1. Beelzebubbas, 233.5 points (2007, week 2 vs. Smack Daddies)
2. Black Dogs, 231 points (2006, week 10 vs. Scouts)
3. Black Dogs, 215 points (2005, week 3 vs. Scouts)
4. Black Dogs, 201 points (2005, week 6 vs. Bakers)
5. Scouts, 199 points (2006, week 6 vs. Smack Daddies)
    SeaHogs, 199 points (2006, week 2 vs. Bakers)
    Smack Daddies, 199 points (2006, week 15 vs. Black Dogs)
8. SeaHogs, 197 points (2006, week 6 vs. Silverbacks)
9. Black Dogs, 195 points (2006, week 6 vs. Bakers)
10. Smack Daddies, 194 points (2006, week 8 vs. Black Dogs)
11. Animals, 192.5 points (2007, week 2 vs. Sea Hogs)
12. Black Dogs, 191 points (2006, week 7 vs. Beelzebubbas)
13. Bakers, 190 points (2005, week 11 vs. SeaHogs)
      Black Dogs, 190 points (2007, week 1 vs. Scouts)

MOJO D, BOBBER THREATEN MONEY

Sources say Sea Hogs owner Triki Bobber faces
significant fines from Commissioner Money.

MOJO D, BOBBER THREATEN MONEY
Commissioner’s integrity (and body parts) threatened

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

In a shocking development that threatens to unravel the NFFA, team owners Mojo D and Triki Bobber each have questioned the integrity of Commissioner William D. Money.

According to documents obtained by FSN, Bobber demanded that Money seek an “objective” party to add to team scoring totals for passes defensed. Sources within the commissioner’s office say that Money interpreted the comments as a veiled threat and that he had described Bobber as “desperate and sick.”

Mojo D’s threats were much more explicit. In an e-mail, he charged Money with engaging in a plot to “stymie my rookie dreams in your selfish, megalomaniacal drive for dominance in the NFFA.”

If “this kind of nefarious activity” continued, Mojo D warned, his “Tin Hat Brigades” would storm the NFFA Tower and “rip Money a new one.” He also claimed that Money and the NFFA were under surveillance by the CIA and National Security Agency (as, he said, was his own organization).

Money, said to be working from an underground control center 500 feet below street level of the NFFA Tower, could not be reached. League sources said the commissioner planned to fine the Seahogs for questioning his integrity and also for “excessive communication.” The same source said no fines were currently planned for Mojo D, although “it remains an option.” The source added that because Mojo D knew league founder Jorge Linardo and claimed to have once been Linardo’s business partner, Money would show him favorable treatment.

DENNEY IN SECLUSION; FRENCH CHIMP CALLS FOR FORFEIT

Furious George, cousin of Baker mascot Mr.TD, has called for action.

DENNEY IN SECLUSION; FRENCH CHIMP CALLS FOR FORFEIT

By Faith Popcorn, Bakers VP of Public Relations

As Baker owner GQ Denney languishes in seclusion atop the Cherry Bomb Cafe, mourning his team's no-show in Week 1, news has surfaced that may have an impact on the league, and more importantly, the Midtown Mojo. From his chateau in southern France, the cousin of fallen and beloved Baker mascot Mr. TD, has called on NFFA Commissioner William D. Money, to forfeit the Mojos opening day rout of the Bakers.

It has become common and admitted knowledge this past week that Mojo quarterback Tom Brady benefited from illegal video taping of the Bakers sideline in an effort to steal their defensive calls. Thus far, no one in the league office has come forward with comment. The silence has led Mr. TD's cousin, Furious George, a retired actor and former cabaret owner, to call for action.

"My cousin is dead," he said yesterday through an interpreter. "Mon cousin est morte. It is my wish that no further insult be inflicted on his corpse, and on the mind of his most loved friend, GQ Denney. They were brothers-in-arms. I will always remember my month here in 1969 with the two of them. We played polo on donkeys and ran naked through the vineyards of my grandfather. The Purple Owlsley they brought as a gift added 20 years to my career ... I cry today for both of them. It is an outrage that the Mojo — how you say — son-of-a-bitch has been allowed to get away with this. At the very least, I call on the Mojo owner — a swine — to pay the league fees for the Bakers."

As has been widely reported, Denney has not spoken with the media since the loss.

"We prefer to focus on the game this weekend and forget the past," said Baker head coach Randy Warhol. "We feel violated but we can't let [the disastrous loss] destroy us. I think GQ is embarrassed and upset because he had made some promises to some people — some scary people."

MCMAHON VOWS ‘BITCH SLAPPING’

As usual, Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon was shooting from the lip at his
weekly media circus, which is now being staged at the Cherry Bomb Café.

MCMAHON VOWS ‘BITCH SLAPPING’
Labels Mojo as ‘Powder Puff Girls’

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

In his weekly press conference Wednesday, East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon suggested that the Midtown Mojo were about about to receive a rude awakening to the league.

“Let’s put it this way,” said McMahon, who this season has begun holding his weekly media events at the Cherry Bomb Café, “in Midtown they’ll remember this weekend as Bloody Sunday, and it will be just another day at the park for the Black Dogs.”

Asked if he shouldn’t take the Mojo more seriously, McMahon retorted: “Seriously, I’m looking forward to the opportunity to try them out as the Black Dogs’ new bitch. Our old bitch, the Ow-ow-ow-ow-Owlamo Scouts, I mean, the El-Lame-o Scouts, are boring.”

McMahon said that the team’s scouting efforts on the Mojo had not revealed much. “We were supposed to get tape from the Bakers from last week’s game,” McMahon said, “but instead they sent over DVDs of Midnight Express and Barbarella. You know, that Barbarella is a pretty good flick after you’ve had a few Touchdown Tasers™.”

Perhaps feeling the after-effects of those drinks, McMahon variously referred to the Mojo as “Mojo Gay,” “Marvin Gaye,” the “Powder Puff Girls” (an apparent reference to the team’s logo), and the “Ho-Jo’s.” Corrected by reporters, McMahon said, “Whatever. When the bitch slappin’s done, they’ll probably answer to whatever we call them.”

TURMOIL IN BAKER NATION

Beleaguered Bakers owner GQ Denney has been asking advice from portraits of Vince Lombardi, Dr. Timothy Leary (both shown here), Jimi Hendrix and Mr. TD. The portraits hang in a hallway of Denney's residence above the Cherry Bomb Cafe, as part of an informal shrine to the four, whom he describes as "mentors."

TURMOIL IN BAKER NATION
From beyond, Mr. TD vows suicide

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

Turmoil is rocking the Baker Nation — and, sources say, taking a heavy personal toll on owner GQ Denney — in the wake of the Bakers’ humiliating 137-68.5 loss to the Midtown Mojo on Kickoff Weekend in the NFFA.

The Bakers established a league record for the lowest point total since the addition of return yardage to the scoring formula, according to the Elias Sports Bureau. But even had Denney and Coach Snoop Dogg made all the right personnel moves, the Bakers still would have remained mired below 100 points for the weekend.

Bakers fans, whose expectations had been buoyed by preseason predictions of a championship run, as well as personal guarantees by Denney, turned ugly and unruly as they watched a relocated franchise under new ownership more than double the score of the home team.

The 5,000-strong Fedayeen Bakers, who sit in a bloc in the south end zone at Grey Goose Stadium, began hurling cherry bombs toward the goal posts near the game’s end. Afterward, along with their usual chants of “Death to America!” and “Death to Triki Bobber!”, they also yelled “Death to GQ Denney!”

Meanwhile, in nearby Sevier Park, local Satanists on Tuesday attempted to channel the spirit of Mr. TD, the late, beloved mascot of the team. According to the group’s unofficial leader, Pinta Graham, Mr. TD revealed that, if he were still alive, he would commit suicide over his embarrassment about the team.

Sources within the organization say that the stress on Denney has been severe. The Bakers’ founder and owner, heavily medicated on physicians’ orders, has been seen wandering the halls of his residence on the Cherry Bomb’s top floor, asking advice from portraits on the wall of Vince Lombardi, Jimi Hendrix, Dr. Timothy Leary and Mr. TD.

“The good thing,” said Devlin Redd, head bartender at the Cherry Bomb Café and a Denney confidante, “is that GQ won’t remember any of this tomorrow.”

In hopes of pacifying their fan base while drawing another sellout crowd to Grey Goose Stadium, Bakers’ spokesperson Faith Popcorn announced two promotional giveaways for the team’s next home game in week four against Fidalgo Island. The first 70,000 fans will receive two ounces of medical marijuana, courtesy of Sod Bakers Grass Care, while all attendees will get airline-size bottles of Grey Goose Vodka.

MCMAHON TO MURRMAN: 'STILL OUR BITCH'

Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon was 'woofing' at 'The Bomb' last night.

MCMAHON TO MURRMAN: 'STILL OUR BITCH'
Black Dogs coach barking at halftime of early Monday night game

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

Coach Jim McMahon promised himself he wouldn't gloat if his East Nashville team extended its all-time record against Alamo to 8-0 this weekend. But by halftime of the first game of Monday night's doubleheader, he had broken his promise.

According to several eyewitness accounts, McMahon was "barking" and "woofing" at the Cherry Bomb Café last night during halftime of the Baltimore-Cincinnati game. By that point, the Black Dogs held a commanding 80+ points lead over the Scouts.

Faith Popcorn, 12th Avenue Bakers PR guru, said McMahon was "not only barking, he was yelling that Thurman Murrman is 'still our bitch, still our bitch' over and over." Popcorn added she considered such behavior "entirely inappropriate."

Head bartender Devlin Redd said he didn't consider McMahon's "woofing" that big a deal. "He had only had three Touchdown Tasers™ at that point. I've seen him far worse," Redd said. "For example, the night Jim and Boyd X. Biggs pulled handguns on each other in a dispute over whose bitch Thurman Murrman really was. It was like hyenas fighting over a dead impala. That emptied the club and cost me several hundred dollars in tips, so that was far worse."

According to McMahon, there's no question who owns the Scouts. "Give me a [expletive] break. Not only have they never beat us, we've scored more than 200 points on them twice." McMahon predicted the Black Dogs final score this week would be 190 points. If that is true, it will be the sixth time the franchise has scored 190 or more points. No other francise has done it more than twice and only two, the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs and Atlanta Smack Daddies, have done it twice.

BOBBER GETS CHAMPIONSHIP RING

According to his housekeeper, Bobber refers to the stone in
the center of the championship ring as "the eye of Sauron."

BOBBER GETS CHAMPIONSHIP RING
SeaHogs owner buys ‘the Precious’

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

It’s no secret that ever since he entered the league, Sea Hogs owner Triki Bobber has coveted an NFFA championship ring. Now, FSN has learned, he has one — although he didn’t get it in the traditional way.

Sources at Fantasy Sports Memorabilia, Ltd. confirmed today that Bobber purchased the 2006 NFFA Championship ring from Lex Dominica of the Atlanta Smack Daddies. The company served as a broker for the private sale. Terms of the purchase were not disclosed, but a company source said the price was “in the low eight figures.”

The Smack Daddies are the only NFFA franchise to have won two league championships, capturing their first title in 2003. That fact, said GM Tony Soprano, figured heavily into the sale. “Frankly, Lex is prouder of that 2003 ring, because that was a tougher game,” Soprano said. “So when the Sea Hogs kept flying up his butt about selling the second ring, he figured, ‘Why not?’ And for that kind of jack — are you kiddin’ me? It was a no-brainer.

“Thing is, I don’t think Bobber even cared that the stone wasn’t a real diamond. He wanted it so bad. We even threw in a truckload of Sanyo DVD players, just so the deal wouldn’t seem so one-sided.”

This afternoon, FSN obtained an exclusive interview with Bobber’s North Korean housekeeper, Fen Hue Park, who said that Bobber keeps the ring on a chain around his neck at all times. “Sometimes, he would just look at it and say, ‘My precious,’” Park said. “He also told one of the girls that if he ever put the Precious on his finger, it would give him a cloak of invisibility. He really creeped me out.”

Bobber, believed to be aboard his yacht, was unavailable for comment.

THE LATE LINE: WEEK 1

THE LATE LINE: WEEK 1

By Will Bettonet, Music City Sports Book

FAVORITE                              UNDERDOG
SEA HOGS             1 ½             Beelzebubbas
BLACK DOGS          28             Scouts
DADDIES                23             Animals
BAKERS                  18             Mojo

Home team in CAPS.

BROAD NEW POWERS FOR MONEY

A confidential source says that NFFA commissioner William D. Money, pictured on the banks of his beloved East Nashville, has been granted dictatorial powers.

BROAD NEW POWERS FOR MONEY
Seen as Move to Check Sea Hogs

FSN EXCLUSIVE

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

The NFFA’s executive committee has voted to give broad new powers to Commissioner William D. Money in a move that some critics say could turn the league into a dictatorship.

The executive committee, whose membership is secret, met Sunday at 2 a.m. at the NFFA Tower in downtown Nashville, according to a source who demanded to remain anonymous for reasons of this reporter’s personal security (“You could face rendition to Syria,” the source said.)

The precise nature of the powers granted to the commissioner also is secret, according to the source.

The mysterious source, who has clandestinely met several times with FSN and has become known as “Deep Ball,” said that Money’s request for secret new powers should be seen as a move to check the growing power of Triki Bobber, who is seen by many as a threat to the instability of the league. Bobber, who was linked to two separate plots to kill fellow NFFA owners last year and who reportedly insists that his underlings refer to him as “Count Blofeld,” was described by Deep Ball as “criminally insane.” The source went on to say Bobber will do "absolutely anything" to get the one that has eluded him — an NFFA championship ring.

In 2005-2006, Bobber also allegedly held Money’s daughters, Mo and Cash, as sex slaves aboard his yacht, the Fatal Attraction II, where they were paired with players of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs during team parties. The Money sisters claim that Bobber forced them to go by the names of “Bambi” and “Thumper,” after female characters in a James Bond film, while imprisoned at sea.

“You have to understand,” Deep Ball said, “that the kidnapping of his daughters was a ‘9-11’ moment for the commissioner. It changed everything. Now he believes the NFFA has to be part of a global war on terror.”

U.S. Senator Larry Craig of Idaho has called on the State Department to label the Sea Hogs as a terrorist organization. He also called for installing more men’s restrooms to create “potty parity” at stadium on Fidalgo Island.

To finance the NFFA’s anti-terror efforts, according to Deep Ball, Commissioner Money plans to increase fines against league owners for small rules violations. For example, this week Money levied fines of $10,000 on the Alamo Scouts and $25,000 on the Cambridge Animals for failing to submit a list of their “keeper” players by the posted deadline. FSN has learned he also plans to fine the Animals $5,000 for failing to return one of his phone calls within 24 hours.

While the executive committee overwhelmingly approved the new powers for Money, others feared that the secret new structure concentrated too much authority in Money’s hands. “This is how tyranny begins,” said Faustino "Skip" Linardo, former Fan Relations Director for the Beelzebubbas and son of NFFA founder Jorge Linardo. “It’s just like Star Wars all over again.”

Ever since reports of the executive committee meeting began to circulate at the Cherry Bomb Café on Monday, speculation as to the identities of the committee members has been intense. Attention has focused on Beelzebubbas owner Boyd X. Biggs and Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica, both of whom were seen with Money on Saturday afternoon, and on Bakers’ owner G.Q. Denney. Efforts to reach Biggs and Dominica were unsuccessful on Tuesday. Denney, who spoke briefly to FSN, said he had "no memory" of last weekend.

THE EARLY LINE: WEEK 1

THE EARLY LINE: WEEK 1

By Will Bettonet, Music City Sports Book

FAVORITE                              UNDERDOG
SEA HOGS             9 ½             Beelzebubbas
BLACK DOGS          23             Scouts
DADDIES                20             Animals
BAKERS                  18             Mojo

Home team in CAPS.

ROVE IN NASHVEGAS, EYES NFFA JOB

GOP Svengali Karl Rove got the red-carpet treatment at the Cherry Bomb Cafe Friday night from owner G.Q. Denney and PR maven Faith Popcorn (not shown), as evidenced by this photo taken by bartender Devlin Redd with his cell phone.

ROVE IN NASHVEGAS, EYES NFFA JOB

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

According to Faux News honcho Bill O'Really, Karl Rove was spotted in Nashvegas Friday evening at the trendy Cherry Bomb Cafe, sparking speculation that the departing "architect" of the Bush administration is eyeing a position with the NFFA.

O'Really reported Saturday evening that sources close to Rove confirmed he was in Nashvegas to meet with Commissioner William D. Money regarding joining the league as a strategic planning consultant.

O'Really spoke with head bartender Devlin Redd, who said Rove arrived at the club in the company of owner G.Q. Denney and Bakers PR director Faith Popcorn around 11:30 p.m. CDT. The trio immediately went to the bar and ordered a round of Touchdown Tasers™. What happened next is in dispute.

According to Redd, who last night confirmed to the AWP his account as first reported by O'Really, this is what happened: Shorty after Rove's arrival, East Nashville coach Jim McMahon, who had been at the club drinking for at least three hours, approached the trio brandishing a gun. Slurring his words, he said something about "taking one for the country" and pointed the weapon at Rove's head. Denney stepped between the two men and asked McMahon if he wanted to kill him, too? McMahon said no, then Denney whispered something in McMahon's ear and the coach returned to his party. At that point, Denney instructed Redd to send a round of Touchdown Tasers™ to McMahon's table on the house, then ushered Rove and Popcorn to a private lounge in the rear of the club. Later, Denney covered the tab for McMahon's party for the entire evening.

But McMahon, who recalled the situation this morning by telephone from his home on Eastland Ave., said he was "merely showing Rove the gun and welcoming him to Nashvegas." He went on to say that Redd was busy with some other customers when he went over to greet Rove and couldn't possibly have heard what was said. As far as Denney picking up his party's tab, McMahon said, "G.Q. is known for his generosity and that was just one more example of it." The coach added that he had "no idea" why Rove was in town.

Reached at his home in the 12th Avenue area this morning, Denney said he had "no memory of Rove being there Friday evening, or anything else about Friday."

Messages left on Money's cell phone were unanswered at press time.