TURMOIL IN BAKER NATION
From beyond, Mr. TD vows suicide
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network
Turmoil is rocking the Baker Nation — and, sources say, taking a heavy personal toll on owner GQ Denney — in the wake of the Bakers’ humiliating 137-68.5 loss to the Midtown Mojo on Kickoff Weekend in the NFFA.
The Bakers established a league record for the lowest point total since the addition of return yardage to the scoring formula, according to the Elias Sports Bureau. But even had Denney and Coach Snoop Dogg made all the right personnel moves, the Bakers still would have remained mired below 100 points for the weekend.
Bakers fans, whose expectations had been buoyed by preseason predictions of a championship run, as well as personal guarantees by Denney, turned ugly and unruly as they watched a relocated franchise under new ownership more than double the score of the home team.
The 5,000-strong Fedayeen Bakers, who sit in a bloc in the south end zone at Grey Goose Stadium, began hurling cherry bombs toward the goal posts near the game’s end. Afterward, along with their usual chants of “Death to America!” and “Death to Triki Bobber!”, they also yelled “Death to GQ Denney!”
Meanwhile, in nearby Sevier Park, local Satanists on Tuesday attempted to channel the spirit of Mr. TD, the late, beloved mascot of the team. According to the group’s unofficial leader, Pinta Graham, Mr. TD revealed that, if he were still alive, he would commit suicide over his embarrassment about the team.
Sources within the organization say that the stress on Denney has been severe. The Bakers’ founder and owner, heavily medicated on physicians’ orders, has been seen wandering the halls of his residence on the Cherry Bomb’s top floor, asking advice from portraits on the wall of Vince Lombardi, Jimi Hendrix, Dr. Timothy Leary and Mr. TD.
“The good thing,” said Devlin Redd, head bartender at the Cherry Bomb Café and a Denney confidante, “is that GQ won’t remember any of this tomorrow.”
In hopes of pacifying their fan base while drawing another sellout crowd to Grey Goose Stadium, Bakers’ spokesperson Faith Popcorn announced two promotional giveaways for the team’s next home game in week four against Fidalgo Island. The first 70,000 fans will receive two ounces of medical marijuana, courtesy of Sod Bakers Grass Care, while all attendees will get airline-size bottles of Grey Goose Vodka.
