SADDAM FIRES BACK Invites president to Club Gitmo, Ivanka on date

At his press briefing yesterday, Saddam Hussein offered a free margarita and marijuana bar to packed room of delighted reporters.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

In his daily press briefing, Saddam Hussein on Tuesday afternoon wasted little time in verbally firing back against President Donald Trump, who the day before had threatened to launch nuclear missile strikes against Iraq.

“First of all,” Hussein told a crowded room of reporters at the McMahonistan Bar in Club Gitmo, “I would like to thank Mr. Trump for recognizing me as the President of Iraq. His two predecessors, I must say, were less grounded in reality, though I did become friends with Barack Obama at [QCurl] Sharif’s End of Ramadan party last year. “This recognition has been too long in coming.

That said, if Dandy Donald thinks he can undo a legal transaction with the threat of violence, we will see him in court – both in the court of Judge [Natalie] Morningstar and in the court of public opinion.

“We could also settle this in the parking lot tomorrow, like men. That is how [Village Green coach] Stuart Smalley would have handled it. That is why I will be retaining him as my coach. Stuart does not deflate his balls before a big game.”

Since they were instituted this week, Saddam’s press briefings have become a mecca for reporters, perhaps in no small part to the open bar of margaritas and marijuana he has provided. The marijuana, Gitmo officials point out, is legal because the club is situated on Native American sovereign tribal lands. “Donald Trump says you are enemies of the people,” Hussein told the journalists. “I say you are friends of Saddam.”

In his 45-minute, freewheeling news conference, Hussein fielded questions on a variety of topics.

• Asked about Trump’s announcement that his daughter Ivanka would run his team from now on, Saddam said, “His team? First off, Manos Diminutas – sorry, I forgot myself for a moment; that’s what Dr. Linardo calls him in Spanish – Donald doesn’t have a team anymore. Second, I am sorry to see Donaldito lose his job to his younger sister. It was always easy to deal with him, like invading Kuwait back in the old days. 

“Third, I want to welcome Ivanka to the league. I am told by [Beelzebubbas TE] Antonio Gates that she does indeed know her way around a locker room. If she weren’t Jewish, I would consider dating her. Maybe I will date her anyway,” Hussein laughed. “In this country I can be much more broad-minded. I love America.”

• Wouldn’t owning his own team create a conflict of interest with his sports book operation? one reporter asked. “Only if I bet against my team,” Hussein smiled, sipping his frozen margarita. “Besides, isn’t it illegal in this league NOT to have a conflict of interest? Please. I offer you access, hospitality and refreshment. All I ask in return is no silly questions.”

• Did he take the president’s threat to launch a nuclear strike seriously? “I take it even more seriously than Donald does,” Hussein said. “How long will he take it seriously?” Saddam paused to look at his Rolex wristwatch. “OK, he said, after several seconds had passed. “Who’s ready for another round?”

• Was Saddam concerned that Trump might use the power of the U.S. government against him domestically if he didn’t renounce the contract he had wangled from Donald Jr.? “Who knows what the future will bring?” Hussein replied. “As I once told my friend Keith Olbermann many years ago, we are all day-to-day. One day, you’re arrested by foreign soldiers, another day you’re watching your own execution on TV from the Cherry Bomb Café.”

Saddam predicted that, if Trump’s approval ratings keep dropping, “he might find himself in a hidey-hole like Mojo D once did.” He also hinted that he might be open to returning the Village Green to Trump “under the right conditions.” 

“What might those be?” a reporter asked. 

“Maybe he accepts my invitation to come to Club Gitmo – on his hands and knees,” Saddam laughed. “He’s welcome anytime in the sports book. It would give him a chance for a change to see what a profitable gaming operation looks like. First stack of chips is on me.”

As reporters guffawed, Hussein made his exit. “Manaña, beeyotches!” he shouted on the way out.

TRUMP THREATENS SADDAM HUSSEIN Announces new Green leadership

President Trump waves at some Village Green fans outside the Trump A Go Go during a brief stopover in Nashville with his wife, Melania.

By Kellyanne Conway

White House News Service

“If you ever try that again Saddam,” Trump tweeted, “your country will be nuked.”

Upon returning from his annual summer pilgrimage to Martha's Vineyard, Trump responded to the false statement that his team and all assets had been acquired by Saddam Hussein. “This bunk published by Ariel Mutha Tafoya goes to show the sleeziness of the public media. It's FALSE all of it,” Trump tweeted.

The off-season for Donald Trump has been one of activity.  Beyond anyone's wildest dreams, but my belief all the way, Trump became the country's 45th President. “The Village Green had a sub-standard year in 2016, but you know what? I'm the freakin' President of the United States now, so all of you can suck it.”

“My georgeous daughter Ivanka will take over the day-to-day operations of The Village Green,” Trump announced in Nevada today. "She's feisty, she knows her way around a locker room, and she'll see one of you blow-hards in the Championship game,” Trump said as he left the stage.

SADDAM 'ECLIPSES' VILLAGE GREEN Hussein announces acquisition of NFFA team and nightclub

Saddam Hussein speaking at today's press conference.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

In a revelation that stunned even jaded NFFA beat reporters Monday afternoon, Club Gitmo Sports Book CEO and Iraqi president Saddam Hussein announced that he was the new majority owner of the Village Green as well as other properties previously controlled by the family of President Donald J. Trump. 

Around 4 p.m., after receiving phone calls just an hour earlier inviting them to a “media announcement,” journalists were met by the normally reclusive Hussein, who showed them a faxed copy of a contract, signed by Donald Trump Jr., turning over to Saddam the family’s majority stake in the Green.

The contract also gives Saddam sole ownership of the Trump-a-Go-Go night club (formerly known as the Goodrow-a-Go-Go) in Hillsboro Village.

According to several sources in the Trump organization, who spoke to FSN Sports on condition of anonymity because they feared retaliation, the younger Trump received a call from Hussein around 9 a.m. EDT. The sources played for one reporter a tape of the phone conversation, in which Hussein tells Donald Trump Jr. that, unless he agrees to sell him the Village Green franchise and night club for $100, then he will blot out the sun “from coast to coast today.”

“You can’t do that!” says the younger Trump, who is in charge of the family businesses while his father occupies the presidency.

“Watch me do it,” Hussein is heard to reply. “If I can do that to the sun, imagine what I can do to Trump Properties, inshallah. Your football team is a small price to pay.”

The time-stamp on the faxed contract from Trump read 2:31 pm EDT – just after the solar eclipse reached totality in NashVegas.

The sources inside the Trump organization said they tried in vain to convince Donald Jr. that solar eclipses are a natural phenomena and that “300 million Americans knew” about today’s solar event.

“He said he had watched Fox News this morning, and they didn’t say anything about a solar eclipse, so he was calling BS,” said one dumbfounded source.

Hussein said that, for now, he planned not to change the name or minority ownership of the Village Green, but that the night club would probably be rechristened as the Uday-a-Go-Go in memory of his late son.

Green minority owner Dave Goodrow was said to be vacationing in the New Jersey Pine Barrens and could not be reached for comment.

Near the end of his press conference, Hussein balked at a reporter’s suggestion that he had obtained the team by deceit and extortion — and that his acquisition might not survive a lawsuit that was sure to come. “Deceit, what is deceit?” Saddam replied. “All of football strategy since the Carlisle Indians is based on deceit.

“As for extortion, the old Saddam would have been flattered by that claim. But I am a businessperson. I paid $100 for the club and another $100 for the team. Maybe that is a favorable deal on Green Hills real estate – I don’t know that market so well as some – but I am told that three figures is more than fair market value for the Village Green.”

After starting to leave, Hussein returned to the microphone one last time to announce that, as the new owner, he planned to use the Green’s number one overall pick in the draft to select QB Marcus Mariotta.

“Do you think he is really worth a No. 1 pick?” a reporter asked.

“Of course not,” Saddam replied. “But we know we can turn around and trade him to the Bakers for their No. 1 pick for the next five years.”

As a few reporters chuckled nervously, Saddam, now on a roll, continued: “Want to know what Dr. Linardo did when I told him about Mariotta?” He cocked back his head and laughed silently.

“Adios, biotches!” he yelled with a wave as he left the room.