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| At his press briefing yesterday, Saddam Hussein offered a free margarita and marijuana bar to packed room of delighted reporters. |
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
In his daily press briefing, Saddam Hussein on Tuesday afternoon wasted little time in verbally firing back against President Donald Trump, who the day before had threatened to launch nuclear missile strikes against Iraq.
“First of all,” Hussein told a crowded room of reporters at the McMahonistan Bar in Club Gitmo, “I would like to thank Mr. Trump for recognizing me as the President of Iraq. His two predecessors, I must say, were less grounded in reality, though I did become friends with Barack Obama at [QCurl] Sharif’s End of Ramadan party last year. “This recognition has been too long in coming.
That said, if Dandy Donald thinks he can undo a legal transaction with the threat of violence, we will see him in court – both in the court of Judge [Natalie] Morningstar and in the court of public opinion.
“We could also settle this in the parking lot tomorrow, like men. That is how [Village Green coach] Stuart Smalley would have handled it. That is why I will be retaining him as my coach. Stuart does not deflate his balls before a big game.”
Since they were instituted this week, Saddam’s press briefings have become a mecca for reporters, perhaps in no small part to the open bar of margaritas and marijuana he has provided. The marijuana, Gitmo officials point out, is legal because the club is situated on Native American sovereign tribal lands. “Donald Trump says you are enemies of the people,” Hussein told the journalists. “I say you are friends of Saddam.”
In his 45-minute, freewheeling news conference, Hussein fielded questions on a variety of topics.
• Asked about Trump’s announcement that his daughter Ivanka would run his team from now on, Saddam said, “His team? First off, Manos Diminutas – sorry, I forgot myself for a moment; that’s what Dr. Linardo calls him in Spanish – Donald doesn’t have a team anymore. Second, I am sorry to see Donaldito lose his job to his younger sister. It was always easy to deal with him, like invading Kuwait back in the old days.
“Third, I want to welcome Ivanka to the league. I am told by [Beelzebubbas TE] Antonio Gates that she does indeed know her way around a locker room. If she weren’t Jewish, I would consider dating her. Maybe I will date her anyway,” Hussein laughed. “In this country I can be much more broad-minded. I love America.”
• Wouldn’t owning his own team create a conflict of interest with his sports book operation? one reporter asked. “Only if I bet against my team,” Hussein smiled, sipping his frozen margarita. “Besides, isn’t it illegal in this league NOT to have a conflict of interest? Please. I offer you access, hospitality and refreshment. All I ask in return is no silly questions.”
• Did he take the president’s threat to launch a nuclear strike seriously? “I take it even more seriously than Donald does,” Hussein said. “How long will he take it seriously?” Saddam paused to look at his Rolex wristwatch. “OK, he said, after several seconds had passed. “Who’s ready for another round?”
• Was Saddam concerned that Trump might use the power of the U.S. government against him domestically if he didn’t renounce the contract he had wangled from Donald Jr.? “Who knows what the future will bring?” Hussein replied. “As I once told my friend Keith Olbermann many years ago, we are all day-to-day. One day, you’re arrested by foreign soldiers, another day you’re watching your own execution on TV from the Cherry Bomb Café.”
Saddam predicted that, if Trump’s approval ratings keep dropping, “he might find himself in a hidey-hole like Mojo D once did.” He also hinted that he might be open to returning the Village Green to Trump “under the right conditions.”
“What might those be?” a reporter asked.
“Maybe he accepts my invitation to come to Club Gitmo – on his hands and knees,” Saddam laughed. “He’s welcome anytime in the sports book. It would give him a chance for a change to see what a profitable gaming operation looks like. First stack of chips is on me.”
As reporters guffawed, Hussein made his exit. “Manaña, beeyotches!” he shouted on the way out.
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