DAVE THE ANIMAL TAKES SELF-LOVE TO A NEW LEVEL

The new Cambridge Animals logo features the likeness of owner Dave the Animal.

DAVE THE ANIMAL TAKES SELF-LOVE TO A NEW LEVEL

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

Not to be outdone by the Midtown Mojo, the Cambridge Animals have announced they are introducing their own new logo, and in the process, have trumped the Mojo, and even the Cleveland Browns, when it comes to self-love.

Like the Browns, who were named after team owner Paul Brown by Brown himself, the Animals were named after owner Dave the Animal, by the Animal himself. Then after buying the Franktown Silverbacks franchise prior to the 2007 season and moving it to Midtown, owner Mojo D followed the lead of those two franchises and renamed the team the Mojos after himself.

Now Dave the Animal has gone the Browns and the Mojos one better — he has made his own likeness the team's new logo.

Undoubtedly, some will call the move egomaniacal, but Dave the Animal said unabashedly, "I love it." The Animals will be sporting the new logo on their uniforms and helmets during the 2008 season. Animals merch sporting the new logo soon will be available in the NFFA Shop.

MOJO ROLL NEW LOGO, SACK JOJO

The Midtown Mojo introduced their new logo
during a video conference call today.


MOJO ROLL NEW LOGO, SACK JOJO

By Kimon Iwannalayya, Fantasy Sports Network

In a video conference call today, the Midtown Mojo announced that they have fired Mojo Jojo, their evil-genius, monkey mascot, and in the same conference call, introduced the team's new logo, based on a Mexican wrestling mask.

The monkey's departure was no surprise to Planet Mojo insiders, who said the primate's recent behavior was deplorable even by the Caligula-worthy standards of the NFFA. Aside from his typical tequila-and-Oxycontin-fueled escapades, the simian evil genius had recently appeared in a number of anime porn videos with fellow washed-up cartoon characters.

The final straws were a poo-flinging performance at a team dinner, which was followed by a mano-a-mano battle with the team's mysterious Pompatus of Love, Miss Lee-Yhn. The Pompatus rapidly dispatched Jojo with a "grand suplex," a move she allegedly learned from new Mojo coach COJones for just such an occasion. Owner Mojo D said only "Jojo is a sad case of a primate who can't hold his Oxy. He's gone from a humorous distraction to a liability, and the trademark-infringement suit from Time Warner sealed his fate.

"But we're moving on!," Mojo D proclaimed. "And we're pleased to introduce our new logo, which is directly inspired by our new coach and new attitude. And of course, the official Mojo Mask will be available everywhere fine NFFA merchandise is sold."

BREAKING NEWS

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il (right) is not smiling after learning that Gen. George Washington Leonard (left) led a daring rescue of NFFA commissioner William D. Money (center) from a North Korean prison/opium den. (FILE PHOTOS/AWP)


COMMISSIONER MONEY FOUND
Gen. Leonard leads rescue mission

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

NFFA commissioner William D. Money was rescued late last night in North Korea, the apparent victim of a kidnapping plot planned and executed by his own daughters and deputy commissioners, Mo and Cash Money, the AWP has learned.

In what has been described by one eyewitness as “a bold and daring mission,” Money was rescued by a small band of commandos lead by Gen. George Washington Leonard from a combination prison and opium den in a small North Korean village. The commissioner had not been seen or heard from in more than nine months.

Although no arrest warrants have been issued for the Money sisters, they are wanted for questioning, according to FBI spokesperson Nita Knowles. “It is my understanding Mo and Cash Money will be interviewed later today at the bureau’s offices in Nashvegas,” Knowles said.

A spokesperson for Leonard, Captain Larkin Lode, said the General had received a tip from Jorge Linardo which led to Money’s rescue. “Apparently quite by accident, Mr. Linardo overheard the Money sisters discussing the location where the commissioner was being held,” Lode explained. “And being the patriotic citizen that he his, Mr. Linardo immediately communicated with the General.”

The North Korean government had no official reaction to the news of Money’s rescue, but according to an anonymous government source, North Korean dictator Kim Jon II is furious over the incident and suspects that Triki Bobber, the disgraced and criminally insane owner of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, was somehow involved. A long and friendly relationship between the two recently soured when the dictator discovered Bobber had been paying him in counterfeit currency.

More to come on this developing story.

CANNIBALISM IN THE NFFA?

Alas, poor Bobber: Because of cannibalism, the South
Pacific islands (and now Fidalgo Island) are among
the world's primary sources of mad cow disease.

CANNIBALISM IN THE NFFA?
Link found between Bobber post-pit fight ritual and mad cow disease

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

In a shocking revelation that could lead federal authorities to suspend the NFFA season, Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs President Hillary Rodham Clinton today told reporters that the mad cow disease afflicting suspended team owner Triki Bobber is apparently the result of his practice of cannibalism.

As Clinton explained, her first act as the team’s new chief officer was to order an audit of team records, particularly all documents concerning the to-the-death human pit fighting matches that Bobber once staged on the island. The records showed that Bobber and some of his guests sometimes cooked and consumed the brains of the losers.

Most cases of mad cow disease, also called bovine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE) or Kreuzfeld Jacob Syndrome, result from consumption of cows that themselves consumed brain material from other animals in their feed. However, noted President Clinton, the world’s other primary source of mad cow disease are South Pacific islands where cannibalism — specifically, the ritual consumption of the brains of defeated enemies — is practiced.

“I regret to report that, in a sadly ironic way, Mr. Bobber was consumed by his own evil, twisted consumption habits,” Clinton said. She went on to point out that, while the disease might explain Bobber’s well-documented insanity, it does not explain his criminality. She also expressed hope that any punishment from the NFFA or federal authorities would be directed at Bobber alone and not the Sea Hogs or the league.

“It would be premature to speculate on punishments, but naturally there will be a full investigation,” said special agent Otis P. Driftwood of the FBI. The new revelations, Driftwood said, could vault Bobber to the top of the FBI’s Most Wanted List. In addition, he said, the bureau would seek to interview “persons of interest” who were known to have been at some of the human pit matches, including actor Owen Wilson, wide receiver Marvin Harrison and 12th Avenue Bakers owner Q. Diddy. The FBI will seek to determine whether these and others may also have engaged in cannibalism.

In a hastily prepared and evidently confused statement, Q. Diddy said that he and the Bakers would continue to campaign for the use of medicinal cannabis and would take their case “all the way to the Supreme Court and beyond.”

Meanwhile, when a reporter found East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon at FooBar earlier today and asked for comment, he quipped simply, “The revolution eats its own. Sic transit gloria Bobber,” before downing the second of his Morning Glory margaritas and departing.

LINARDO TO OPEN CLUB GITMO

Construction workers are hurriedly converting a former oil storage tank into a new
nightclub scheduled to open in mid-August in West Nashville called Club Gitmo.

LINARDO TO OPEN CLUB GITMO
West Nashville Lounge to Fill Void Left by Cherry Bomb

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

West Nashville Beelzebubbas broke one of the city’s worst kept secrets today, with the official announcement that the team’s President Emeritus, Jorge Linardo, plans to open a lavish new nightclub on the Bubbas’ home turf.

The nightspot, team spokesman Wiley Peyote said during a press conference at the site this morning, will be called Club Gitmo — “to honor America and the ideals we share.”

The showplace will be located just off Centennial Avenue in West Nashville, where workmen have been busy converting an abandoned, three-story oil storage tank. The club is scheduled to open on August 15, in conjunction with Linardo’s birthday and in time for a huge NFFA draft party for Beelzebubbas fans on August 24th. Alison Krauss and Robert Plant are scheduled to perform at the grand opening. Peyote said that some “unannounced special guests” were likely, including ex-PFC Lynndie England.

“Mr. Linardo said that the destruction of the Cherry Bomb Café had left two huge holes — one in Nashville’s nightlife and one in his own heart,” said Peyote, who explained that Linardo was unable to attend the press conference due to “pressing business in Colombia.”

With the rebuilding of the fabled Cherry Bomb held up by a combination of a troubled insurance investigation, Homeland Security concerns, the emotional and chemical instability of owner Q Diddy, and demands from local Satanists that Diddy “do the right thing” by placing a portrait of the devil behind the main bar area, Peyote said that the time was right for a new club in West Nashville.

Via a projection onto a large screen, Peyote took the media on a “virtual tour” of Club Gitmo, which, like the oil storage tank, will be a windowless facility. Among the club’s attractions will be a sports book, corporate conferencing facilities (dubbed the Interrogation Center), a musical performance venue, a lounge in which guests can experience waterboarding, and another lounge downstairs where visitors can watch Linardo’s favorite movies, Scarface and Carlito’s Way, on a continuously looped double feature. The club’s exterior will be painted in an American flag motif, and there will be guard towers and fencing with razor wire along the perimeter. “It’s going to pretty much fit in with the neighborhood,” said Peyote with a smile.”

In a surprise move, Peyote introduced Devlin Redd as head bartender. Redd, who had served in a similar capacity at the Cherry Bomb, had no comment when asked if Club Gitmo would be serving the Cherry Bomb’s signature drink, the Touchdown Taser™.

To conclude the press conference, Peyote unveiled a TV ad that will be part of the club’s new marketing campaign. In the 30-second spot, Linardo stands in front of a huge screen with images of hooded detainees from Abu Ghraib Prison in Iraq. Then he intones into the camera, “Get mo’ excitement. Get mo’ fun. Get mo’ bang for your buck. Get to Club Gitmo.” Then he tosses back his head and laughs silently.

CLINTON NAMED PRESIDENT OF SEA HOGS

"President" Hillary Clinton shows off her new Sea Hogs tank top
after her arrival on Fidalgo Island late yesterday afternoon.


CLINTON NAMED PRESIDENT OF SEA HOGS
Linardo to host benefit concert for Bobber

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

NFFA deputy commissioners Mo and Cash Money today named Sen. Hillary Clinton as president of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, replacing Triki Bobber, the suspended owner of the troubled franchise.

The announcement, which appears to have followed extensive negotiations between Bobber and the commissioner’s office, gives the former Democratic presidential hopeful, whose campaign is officially suspended, the power to oversee all day-to-day operations of the Sea Hogs.

The agreement does not foreclose the possibility that Bobber, whose precise whereabouts are currently unknown, could ultimately regain full control over his team. Prior to the appointment of Clinton, the team had been operated by Jorge Linardo, who was named interim GM when Bobber’s suspension was announced last spring. But with Hill in charge, said one NFFA insider speaking on condition of anonymity out of fear of retaliation by the Money sisters, "This makes it a lot harder to imagine Triki having the same authority he once did as long as Mo and Cash are calling the shots. This is their way of sticking it to Bobber.”

On the other hand, said the inside source, with Clinton as president, it’s more likely that the Sea Hogs’ 2007 championship will be restored, “now that the league knows the team is at last under sane management.”

Ironically, Bobber and Clinton are old acquaintances, dating back to their days as attorneys in Little Rock. Sources say that Bobber and Bill and Hillary Clinton attended many of the same parties, including a number at which marijuana was smoked and inhaled. However, Bobber and the Clintons came to hate each other over what Johnny Mack Faubus, a mutual friend and contractor from Pine Bluff, described as Bobber’s “crypto-nazi cracker political views.” It is believed also that Bobber was among those whom Hillary had in mind when she described a “vast, right-wing, criminally insane conspiracy” against her husband.

“I’m totally down with this,” said East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon. “I believe my boss Bill Money would be down with it, too, if they ever find his ass. Hillary had to be president of something. Who knew it would be an NFFA team? I’m stoked at the opportunity to spank the bitch on the field this season. And hopefully, Slick Willie will come to Nashvegas for some partying.”

On a related note, FSN has learned that Linardo will be hosting an exclusive concert on Bobber’s behalf. The event, dubbed Bobberoo, will be held in mid-August and will include a three-day cruise near Vancouver Island. Guests will pay $20,000 apiece for the right to attend and all proceeds will go to fund research to find a cure for Bobber’s mad cow disease.

BEELZEBUBBAS ARE THE PICK IN '08

West Nashville owner Boyd X. Biggs (inset) hopes running back Adrian
Peterson will lead the Beelzebubbas to their second NFFA title.

BEELZEBUBBAS ARE THE PICK IN '08

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

They were the first champions of the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association and now the West Nashville Beelezebubbas are the pick by Nashvegas oddsmakers to become the NFFA's seventh champ.

According to Music City Sports Book, West Nashville, the runner-up a year ago, is a 5-2 favorite to claim their second NFFA championship on Dec. 22.

"They are positioned to take it all this year," said Triki Bobber, criminally insane owner of the suspended 2007 champions, the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs. Bobber, speaking from an undisclosed location, added, "And you can quote me on that."

The Beelzebubbas pick is a "no-brainer," according to Music City Sports Book representative House Wynn. "Look at their returning lineup: They have the best running back in Adrian Peterson and the best defensive lineman in Jared Allen. They have a top-tier quarterback with Carson Palmer and a shut-down corner who doubles as a return man in Antonio Cromartie. Plus they have the kind of problem at wide receiver other teams, such as the Sea Hogs, wished they had: multiple number ones to choose from when it come to deciding which wide receiver to keep."

Regarding the prospects of the seven other NFFA franchises, Wynn said, "On paper, in advance of the draft, every team looks like they could contend. But at Music City Sports Book, we factor in a franchise's history, so we expect the Sea Hogs, the [East Nashville] Black Dogs and the [Atlanta] Smack Daddies — all former champions — to again be in contention. We also expect the [Midtown] Mojo and [Cambridge] Animals to at least contend for playoff spots, based on recent history. On the other hand, despite looking good on paper, we figure the [Alamo] Scouts and [12th Avenue] Bakers ... well, let's just say there's a reason they are picking 1-2 in the draft. Hell, the Bakers have never even had a winning season."

Reached by cell phone near Hollister, Calif., where he and Jorge Linardo were riding with the Hell's Angels in honor of Gonzo, the new Hunter S. Thompson documentary, West Nashville owner/coach Boyd X. Biggs said, "I don't know, I was talking with Pete Rose and his money is on the Black Dogs."

The AWP tracked down Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon at 3 Crow Bar this morning and asked him to comment on the fact that oddsmakers favor the 'Bubbas for the 2008 title. McMahon said, "Bull [expletive]," then added: "West Nashville delenda est."

The race for the 2008 NFFA championship kicks off on Sept. 4.

2008 NFFA Championship Odds
West Nashville Beelzebubbas 5-2
Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs 5-1
East Nashville Black Dogs 7-1
Atlanta Smack Daddies 9-1
Midtown Mojo 10-1
Cambridge Animals 13-1
Alamo Scouts 25-1
12th Avenue Bakers 50-1

NEW KEEPER RULE SET TO PASS

Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica has remained uncommitted on the new rule.

NEW KEEPER RULE SET TO PASS

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

According to the results of an informal poll of NFFA owners by the AWP, it seems likely the league will have a new keeper rule for the 2008 season.

The proposed rule would expand the number of players each team is allowed to keep from their final 2007 rosters, but would limit the number of keepers to one per position. On offense, each team would be allowed to keep one quarterback, one running back, and one receiver, either a wide receiver or tight end. On defense, they would be allowed to keep one defensive lineman, one linebacker, and one defensive back.

According to the AWP's informal poll of league owners, the initiative already has enough votes to pass. The East Nashville, Fidalgo Island, Midtown, and 12th Avenue franchises are on the record in support of the new rule. West Nashville expressed private support of the rule change, but has not yet publicly declared their support because of ongoing turf issues with Midtown. Regardless of how West Nashville votes, the Cambridge franchise always votes with the commissioner and the commissioner's office is pushing for the change.

Here are the projected keeper rosters under the revised rule:

12th Avenue Bakers: QB Drew Brees, RB Larry Johnson, WR Terrell Owens, DL Will Smith, LB A.J. Hawk, DB Adam Jones. Alternates: RB Edgerrin James, WR Lee Evans.

Alamo Scouts: QB Ben Roethlisberger, RB Brian Westbrook, WR Plaxico Burress, DL Julius Peppers, LB Shawn Merriman, DB Ed Reed. Alternates: WR T.J. Houshmandzadeh, WR Larry Fitzgerald, WR Torry Holt, TE Dallas Clark, LB Keith Bulluck.

Atlanta Smack Daddies: QB Eli Manning, RB LaDainian Tomlinson, WR Greg Jennings, DL Patrick Kerney, LB Demarcus Ware, DB Nate Clements. Alternates: RB Steven Jackson, TE Alge Crumpler.

Cambridge Animals: QB Jay Cutler, RB Clinton Portis, WR Randy Moss, DL Greg Kelly, LB Ray Lewis, DB Champ Bailey. Alternates: RB Willis McGahee, RB Willie Parker.

East Nashville Black Dogs: QB Tony Romo, RB Maurice Jones-Drew, WR Braylon Edwards, DL Osi Umenyiora, LB Brian Urlacher, DB Terrence McGee. Alternates: QB Derek Anderson, WR Devin Hester, WR Josh Cribbs, TE Kellen Winslow.

Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs: QB Peyton Manning, RB Joseph Addai, WR Wes Welker, DL Jason Taylor, LB DeMeco Ryans, DB Ellis Hobbs. Alternates: RB Marion Barber, RB Ryan Grant, TE Antonio Gates.

Midtown Mojo: QB Tom Brady, RB Jamal Lewis, WR Reggie Wayne, DL Kyle Vanden Bosch, LB London Fletcher, DB Cortland Finnegan. Alternates: DB Jermaine Phillips.

West Nashville Beelzebubbas: QB Carson Palmer, RB Adrian Peterson, WR Andre Johnson, DL Jared Allen, LB James Harrison, DB Antonio Cromartie. Alternates: WR Ted Ginn, WR Chad Johnson, WR Calvin Johnson.