Alas, poor Bobber: Because of cannibalism, the SouthPacific islands (and now Fidalgo Island) are among
the world's primary sources of mad cow disease.
CANNIBALISM IN THE NFFA?
Link found between Bobber post-pit fight ritual and mad cow disease
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network
In a shocking revelation that could lead federal authorities to suspend the NFFA season, Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs President Hillary Rodham Clinton today told reporters that the mad cow disease afflicting suspended team owner Triki Bobber is apparently the result of his practice of cannibalism.
As Clinton explained, her first act as the team’s new chief officer was to order an audit of team records, particularly all documents concerning the to-the-death human pit fighting matches that Bobber once staged on the island. The records showed that Bobber and some of his guests sometimes cooked and consumed the brains of the losers.
Most cases of mad cow disease, also called bovine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE) or Kreuzfeld Jacob Syndrome, result from consumption of cows that themselves consumed brain material from other animals in their feed. However, noted President Clinton, the world’s other primary source of mad cow disease are South Pacific islands where cannibalism — specifically, the ritual consumption of the brains of defeated enemies — is practiced.
“I regret to report that, in a sadly ironic way, Mr. Bobber was consumed by his own evil, twisted consumption habits,” Clinton said. She went on to point out that, while the disease might explain Bobber’s well-documented insanity, it does not explain his criminality. She also expressed hope that any punishment from the NFFA or federal authorities would be directed at Bobber alone and not the Sea Hogs or the league.
“It would be premature to speculate on punishments, but naturally there will be a full investigation,” said special agent Otis P. Driftwood of the FBI. The new revelations, Driftwood said, could vault Bobber to the top of the FBI’s Most Wanted List. In addition, he said, the bureau would seek to interview “persons of interest” who were known to have been at some of the human pit matches, including actor Owen Wilson, wide receiver Marvin Harrison and 12th Avenue Bakers owner Q. Diddy. The FBI will seek to determine whether these and others may also have engaged in cannibalism.
In a hastily prepared and evidently confused statement, Q. Diddy said that he and the Bakers would continue to campaign for the use of medicinal cannabis and would take their case “all the way to the Supreme Court and beyond.”
Meanwhile, when a reporter found East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon at FooBar earlier today and asked for comment, he quipped simply, “The revolution eats its own. Sic transit gloria Bobber,” before downing the second of his Morning Glory margaritas and departing.
As Clinton explained, her first act as the team’s new chief officer was to order an audit of team records, particularly all documents concerning the to-the-death human pit fighting matches that Bobber once staged on the island. The records showed that Bobber and some of his guests sometimes cooked and consumed the brains of the losers.
Most cases of mad cow disease, also called bovine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE) or Kreuzfeld Jacob Syndrome, result from consumption of cows that themselves consumed brain material from other animals in their feed. However, noted President Clinton, the world’s other primary source of mad cow disease are South Pacific islands where cannibalism — specifically, the ritual consumption of the brains of defeated enemies — is practiced.
“I regret to report that, in a sadly ironic way, Mr. Bobber was consumed by his own evil, twisted consumption habits,” Clinton said. She went on to point out that, while the disease might explain Bobber’s well-documented insanity, it does not explain his criminality. She also expressed hope that any punishment from the NFFA or federal authorities would be directed at Bobber alone and not the Sea Hogs or the league.
“It would be premature to speculate on punishments, but naturally there will be a full investigation,” said special agent Otis P. Driftwood of the FBI. The new revelations, Driftwood said, could vault Bobber to the top of the FBI’s Most Wanted List. In addition, he said, the bureau would seek to interview “persons of interest” who were known to have been at some of the human pit matches, including actor Owen Wilson, wide receiver Marvin Harrison and 12th Avenue Bakers owner Q. Diddy. The FBI will seek to determine whether these and others may also have engaged in cannibalism.
In a hastily prepared and evidently confused statement, Q. Diddy said that he and the Bakers would continue to campaign for the use of medicinal cannabis and would take their case “all the way to the Supreme Court and beyond.”
Meanwhile, when a reporter found East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon at FooBar earlier today and asked for comment, he quipped simply, “The revolution eats its own. Sic transit gloria Bobber,” before downing the second of his Morning Glory margaritas and departing.
