CORSAIRS DEDICATE SEASON TO MOJO D’S PREEMIE GRANDSON ASHER

Asher Robert Lentz was born Monday, 14 weeks early, weighing 1 lb, 14 oz.

By Soren Bernyn
FSN

Amid the frantic preparations and upbeat atmosphere that typically surround training camp, the Corsair front office got some serious perspective on Monday of this week when Corsair Owner Mojo D’s grandson Asher was born 14 weeks early.

Asher weighed 1 lb, 14 oz at birth, and is in the Vanderbilt University Medical Center Newborn Intensive Care Unit. He is in critical but stable condition, and doctors are guardedly optimistic – they anticipate Asher will be in the NICU until December.

As an indication of the seriousness of this event, Mojo D was not available to the media. Coach Ray Lewis emotionally addressed reporters from Corsairs camp: “Asher is a tiny warrior, fighting a struggle which reminds us that our sport looks like the silly child’s game it ultimately is. I talked to the players about it earlier in the week, and it was like they all suddenly got the eye of the tiger – I’ve never seen a team this focused, intense and powerful before the season begins. Needless to say, the players have dedicated this season to Asher -- and winning.”

Lewis also announced that Pharrell Williams – a friend of Mojo D – will play a concert at “The Roofie” at Music City Center after the team’s home opener in Week 2 against the Animals: “Pharrell heard about Asher, learned that the boy’s name means ‘Happy’ in Hebrew, and that was that. He told ‘The Voice’ they’ll just have to work around this gig. When he saw the baby's photo with a clearly Pharrell-influenced hat (see above), that was just icing on the cake.”

Through Corsairs spokeslady Rosetta Stone, Mojo D thanked Planet Corsair and the entire NFFA for their support, and encouraged all to continue to lift up Asher in their prayers, “even apostate heathens like my fellow NFFA owners.”

OWNERS STRIKE DOWN ANTI-DIVISION RULE AMID VOTING "IRREGULARITIES"

NFFA technology forensics experts review the voting

By Soren Bernyn
FSN

A seemingly futile rule-change vote turned into another NFFA conspiracy immediately before the 2014 draft last Thursday, when over 3,000 votes poured in - in favor of the resolution, which would have rendered the division system obsolete.

“The [Competition] Committee did not release the results before the draft, and opted to explore this vote further before we released the results,” said August West, special counsel to the NFFA Competition Committee. “The initial results showed 3,412 in favor, and 6 against; since the vote is locked to only the eight owners, we knew something was up.”

Two key pieces of evidence point to involvement by Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber:

- Over 3,000 votes were cast in an 8-second span Thursday; Obobber’s former activities include sophisticated DDoS and other high-volume hacking.

- Each vote contained the comment: “Oh, Peytie, Peytie, Peytie! How can I go on without you, Peytie?” (One Sea Hogs insider says that Obobber has been inconsolable with the impending loss of Peyton Manning after nine seasons in Fidalgo Island.)

Corsairs owner Mojo D has offered his technology forensics team to get to the bottom of what he described as “irregularities. The end result is that there are 6 legitimate votes against the rule change, and that’s a majority. One of the yes votes included the stipulation that the Bakers never be allowed in the playoffs, so it’s clear where the league stands. I, for one, love the division system and hope we keep it intact always."

BREAKING: CORSAIR ATTORNEYS FILE INJUNCTION - DRAFT ON HOLD

Corsairs attorney H. Louis Dewey stopped the 2014 NFFA draft in a dramatic court filing late today.

By Soren Bernyn
FSN
In a dramatic late-afternoon court case, the Downtown Corsairs have filed an injunction halting tonight's NFFA draft. Attorney H. Louis Dewey of Dewey Cheatham & Howe read a prepared statement from Corsairs Owner Mojo D: "This sh*t is even more f*cked-up than our usual f*cked-up NFFA shit. The league did not include me in the debate or vote to re-instate QCurl Sharif, and so the decision is null and void, and until it's been verified by an independent judiciator, I stand against the decision and declare the draft an apostate abomination."

NFFA officials were scrambling to appeal the decision - stay tuned for further developments.

12TH AVENUE GRONK McMahon: Bakes to take NE TE first overall

Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon took a page from his past last night at The Cherry Bomb Café, drinking Touchdown Tasers™ and entertaining the local media.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

As has been widely reported, these have not been the best of days for East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, who is battling concussion-induced dementia. But last night, he was in rare form at The Cherry Bomb Cafe, just like old times.

With the club's owner QCurl Sharif missing and declared dead, The Bomb had been kind of dead, as well. But McMahon went by his old stomping grounds last evening around 9 p.m. and finding only a handful of patrons there, he began texting friends and local media, inviting them to join him at the club. By 10, the club was buzzing with people and the most successful coach in NFFA history was holding court from his favorite corner booth.

McMahon dropped several bombshells over the course of the evening. Here are the highlights:

• He said he has it on "good authority" the 12th Avenue Bakers plan to use the No. 1 overall pick on New England tight end Rob Gronkowski. According to McMahon, the Bakers will take Gronk "to stick it to the [Cambridge] Animals, whom the coach said were up to some draft chicanery of their own. He said he had heard Wilder the Animal planned to take St. Louis running back Tre Mason, a former Auburn player coveted by Bakers owner QCurl Sharif, with the second overall pick. He went on to say that if the Animals take Mason with the second pick, the Bakers will retaliate by using their second-round pick to select St. Louis defensive end Michael Sam, the league's first openly gay player, whom Dave the Animal had already announced was a draft target for the team.

He was asked if the draft played out that way, would the Black Dogs take Denver quarterback Peyton Manning with the third pick? "[Expletive] no," he replied, with a frown on his face. "Manning isn't Black Dogs material," he continued, disgust dripping from his voice. "We don't draft pussies."

When it was pointed out that would mean Manning would fall to the Sea Hogs, McMahon laughed so hard he fell out of the booth. "Perfect," he said when he got himself under control. "I think he would be much more at home there. It's like a womb for him." 

• He also told those gathered around the booth the surprising story behind the Black Dogs eleventh-hour trade with the West Nashville Beelzebubbas. "As it so happened, the night before the trade went down, [East Nashville GM] Buddy [Ryan] and I were at Club Gitmo, having drinks at the Colt 45 Bar & Grill, when Jorgé [Linardo] came in," he recalled. "He came over to our table and told us a joke about Mojo D he had heard from Stuart Smalley. Next thing you know, he and Buddy, who have never liked one another, he and Buddy are swapping NFFA war stories and yucking it up like they were old friends. Now the tequila may have had something to do with it, but one thing led to another, and the next thing I know, they were putting together the trade. It was great."

• The East Nashville coach saved the biggest bombshell of all for last. As the party was breaking up and McMahon was preparing to leave, he said, "Oh, by the way, this will almost certainly be my last season as coach of the Black Dogs." As he headed for the door, he was peppered with questions about it, but he just waved goodbye and left the club.

OWNERS VOTE SHARIF BACK IN Cheatham vows to fight in court; ‘balance has been restored,’ Biden says

Attorney Alberto Gonzalez, shown above speaking at last night's owner's meeting, intends to take further legal action on behalf of his client Bill Cheatham.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

In an emergency session last night at the league offices in downtown Nashville, NFFA owners voted to void the sale of the 12th Avenue Bakers and return the team to its original owner, QCurlSharif.

The meeting had been called by league founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo after two shocking weekend developments: the return of Sharif, who had been declared legally dead; and the revelation that league commissioner Lorena "MeeMaw" Murrman was actually a transgendered former team owner impersonating his grandmother.

Just 48 hours before the annual player draft, the league found itself dealing with the awkward challenge of potentially undoing the sale of the Bakers to a group led by superfan Bill Cheatham, while Cheatham was present as the team’s legally recognized owner.

While the owners meeting took place behind closed doors, a few details began to emerge late Tuesday. Sources requesting anonymity said that only six of the eight owners were present (one of them joining by conference call). Sharif and Kirby were allowed to present their arguments but left immediately afterward and were not present for the owners’ vote by secret ballot.

The sources also said that the vote to restore Sharif’s ownership was 4-2. One of the “no” votes presumably was cast by Cheatham.

Afterward, Cheatham vowed to fight the decision “through the legal system and if necessary through illegal systems.” At that point, Cheatham’s attorney, Belmont School of Law dean and former U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez stepped to the microphone and told reporters, “What Mr. Cheatham means is that the sale of the Bakers was perfectly legal and correct.

“The fact that the NFFA’s commissioner was not the person the league owners thought she was is beside the point. The owners chose this person as their commissioner, so she was acting in a perfectly legal capacity, as we believe the courts will recognize. At the end of the day, Mr. Cheatham fully expects to be sitting in the owner’s box at Haterade Coliseum when the season begins in September.”

Gonzalez indicated that he will seek an injunction barring the transfer of the Bakers to Sharif.

Bakers’ attorney Mandrake Kirby told reporters that “the owners undid a great wrong tonight by recognizing that Bill Cheatham colluded to have Mr. Sharif declared prematurely dead and that their transgender apostate commissioner sold the Bakers without an owners’ vote. This whole scheme was a fraud perpetrated on the NFFA and Mr. Sharif, who are both victims here.”

The owners agreed to return to Cheatham’s group the $1.6 billion they had paid for the Bakers, plus another $100 million to compensate the group for what it claimed were out-of-pocket expenses for marketing  and operational costs and renovations to the owners’ suite and Sharif’s bunker complex at Grey Goose Stadium.

The compensation, however, was unlikely to mollify Cheatham and his supporters. “It’s all going to be black robes and lawyers and suitcases full of cash from here,” Cheatham said.

Left unresolved after the owners’ meeting was the question of who would be the next NFFA commissioner. Black Dogs owner and former commissioner Bill Money agreed to serve in an interim capacity until a successor to Murrman is named. One source said the league may offer the post to former Bakers coach Snoop Lion, but a rumor also surfaced that the league might move to reanimate former NFL commissioner Pete Rozelle and give him the job.

As news spread about the owners’ vote late last night, the reaction in Bakerville was mixed. Around 11 p.m. bells began ringing from the Islamic Center on 12th Avenue, just blocks from the Cherry Bomb Café. Early this morning, the fabled Satan Tree in Sevier Park was covered with yellow ribbons that had been placed there to celebrate Sharif’s return from Ukraine.

Meanwhile, members of the BakerBackers fan group, that had raised $1.6 billion in a Kickstarter campaign to buy the team, carried protest signs outside Grey Goose Stadium. One read: “Owners, don’t vote against our future,” while another simply said: “Just say no to Sharif.”

The mood at Sharif’s West End Treehouse, which had been dark for months, was purely celebratory. Sharif and his new business partner, Ukrainian president Petro “Chocolate King” Pereschenko, entertained a galaxy of guests that included Vice President Joe Biden, Fox News broadcaster Megyn Kelly, Dr. Linardo, Saddam Hussein, Snoop Lion, actor Rob Lowe, Nashville mayoral candidate Megan Barry, Warren Zevon, Baker fan Powers Boothe, Little Jimmy Dickens, Danny Glover and Bubbas broadcaster Art Bell, who was the first to claim the commissioner was actually a transgendered Thurman Murrman.

“Art brought a trunk full of Truth to this league,” Snoop said afterward. “We rolled out some of it at the Treehouse, and the Truth prevailed all night long.”

Throughout the neighborhood, residents could hear the music of Lewis Had the Weed, the former house band at the Cherry Bomb that had relocated to the Goodrow-A-Go-Go during Sharif’s absence but was on hand for his Treehouse return.

As he was escorted by Secret Service agents to a waiting limousine, around 4 a.m. Wednesday, a beaming Biden stopped to tell reporters, “It feels like balance has been restored to the Force. One love, y’all.”

MEEMAW MURRMAN EXPOSED AS TRANNY GRANNY ThurMurr confesses to impersonating commissioner

Former Alamo Scouts owner Thurman Murrman (right) not only impersonated his grandmother Meemaw Murrman (left), he underwent a sex change.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

In a revelation that could threaten both the upcoming season and the existence of the league, FSN has confirmed that an imposter has occupied the NFFA Commissioner’s office for the past two seasons.

As part of a wide-ranging confession — offered without remorse and exclusively to FSN — Thurman Murrman admitted that he had successfully passed himself off as his grandmother, Lorena “Meemaw” Murrman, effectively running the league in which he once had been a franchise owner.

After selling his team, the Alamo Scouts, to Dave Goodrow, ThurMurr apparently began undergoing hormone therapy in preparation for gender assignment surgery to become a woman. During this process, he said, he came up with the idea of assuming the identity of his grandmother and becoming the NFFA’s de facto commissioner.

As the rambling, two-hour interview progressed, it became increasingly clear to this reporter that the taunts, by Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, that ThurMurr was his “bitch” led the former Scouts owner to identity as a woman and contributed to his decision to undergo a sex change. The taunts also led him to seek revenge against the entire league by using the power of the commissioner’s office.

“It was a way to carry the fantasy in fantasy football to a whole new level,” said ThurMurr, who now goes by the name Ethel Murrman and works as a manicurist. “Who’s my bitch now, Bill Money?”

The real MeeMaw Murrman — who owned a restaurant called The Sunnyside Up in Alamo, Texas, befriended Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, and helped apprehend Sea Hogs owner and fugitive Tirik O’Bobber before his successful treatment for criminal insanity — is currently the resident of a nursing home in nearby Pharr, Texas. FSN’s investigation concluded that she has never set foot in the league offices at Nashville’s NFFA Tower.

As his grandmother’s health and mental acuity declined, Thurmann Murmann was able to pass himself off in NashVegas as MeeMaw Murmann. Meanwhile, he was able to explain MeeMaw’s long absences from the NFFA league offices by claiming she needed to oversee the construction of the NFFA Hall of Fame in Alamo, Texas.

“In hindsight,” said one league official who for obvious reasons requested anonymity, “the naming of ThurMurr to the inaugural class of the NFFA Hall of Fame should have been a huge tipoff. But it went down right under our noses.”

ThurrMurr’s scheme gradually came to light after Beelzebubbas broadcaster Art Bell claimed on his late-night radio show earlier this year that the person serving as NFFA Commissioner was not Lorena Murmann but an imposter. After hearing the broadcast, former Bakers coach Snoop Lion befriended Bell, listened to his story, and then decided to visit Alamo, Texas.

“People were saying, ‘What is Art Bell smoking,’ so you know, I wanted to find out what the cat had in his pipe,” Lion said. “And then I found out he was onto some righteous dizzle fashizzle.”

During his own first-hand investigation, Lion found that the Sunnyside Up was under new management, who pointed him to the Saluda Buena nursing home, where he found Lorena Murmann, who according to staff, had been a resident there for more than two years. They also said that Lorena Murmann received regular visits from a young woman with short hair, whom they described as “the ugly granddaughter.”

From there, Lion deduced that ThurMurr was impersonating his grandmother. But he didn’t realize that “HerMurr,” as Lion dubbed him, was a transgendered woman until he returned to Nashville and began making inquiries that led to his discovery of the former Scouts owner working at a local day spa. When confronted with the evidence, the younger Murmann admitted the truth and agreed to tell his story to FSN.

“At first it was probably no big deal,” Lion said. “This league mostly runs itself. But then it got off the chain with declaring my man QCurl dead and selling the team out from under him. So I had to get with him and say, ‘Girlfriend, tear down this wall!

“And by the way, if Art Bell was smoking something, that stuff needs to get legal. I call it the truth, and the truth can set America free.”

ThurMurr’s stunning revelation creates a host of urgent questions for the NFFA. Chief among them: Before this Thursday’s draft, the league must address the legality of the sale of the 12th Avenue Bakers to superfan Bill Cheatham. That matter is already the subject of a lawsuit brought Monday morning by Bakers legal counsel Mandrake Kirby.

NFFA founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo indicated that the league should not wait for the legal process. Instead, he suggested, he would call for an emergency owners meeting (which would include Cheatham) on Tuesday to determine whether the sale of the Bakers should be revoked.

“I think it’s fair to say that Dr. Linardo is a little disappointed that QCurl couldn’t find the time to pick up the satellite phone in all these months while he was gallivanting around with the Chocolate King and let him know he was alive,” said Chuck Barris, the Beelzebubbas’ VP for Communications. “After all, he attended Sharif’s memorial service and had actually reached out to QCurl’s uncle Omar about coming to Nashville to look after CurlBaby and QCurl’s business interests. But we’ll just deal with the cards that we’re dealt and get this fixed.”

Once the Bakers’ ownership issue is resolved, the league also will have to undertake the task of naming a new commissioner. Some observers have suggested that the job should go to Snoop, but when asked by FSN the former Bakers coach demurred. “I haven’t talked to QCurl about it, but it seems to me that HerMurr might not be a bad choice,” Lion said. “I mean, you gotta admit that HerMurr was a better commissioner than Bill Money. She was more engaged, you know? And if she/he could pull this off, who knows what could happen if we can just channel that creativity in the right direction.”

SHARIF RETURNS!

In this photo taken in May, Bakers owner QCurl Sharif can be seen standing behind Ukrainian president Petro Poroshenko at a rally in the former Soviet republic.

By Man Ray Natural
The Mainline Dope

NASHVILLE—In a stunning development, 12th Avenue Bakers' owner QCurl Sharif has spoken to the press, and his conversation with Charlie Rose has been confirmed and authenticated by the Associated Press, The New York Times and CBS News.

Sharif has reportedly returned to his home in Nashville, arriving late Saturday night, accompanied by Ukrainian president Petro Poroshenko, the Chocolate King. His return, according to Rose, was prompted by the sale of the Bakers to superfan Bill Cheatham, a move by the league which Sharif says is obviously illegal. The 12th Avenue owner had been missing for several months, and Cheatham had him declared legally dead by a local judge following some specific and horrifying reports from Ukraine.

"You know I've got nine lives, Charlie," Sharif told Rose.

Prior to Sharif's apparent return, he was attempting to negotiate a fragile peace accord between pro-Russian rebels and the Ukraine with Poroshenko. Those efforts are ongoing.

With the NFFA's annual league draft looming, Sharif told Rose that he was going "to hole up in the Treehouse with CK [Chocolate King] and hammer out a team strategy" and "that we may hate the Russkies, but there will be Stoli involved."

Fans and league officials alike have criticized Sharif's actions in recent years, citing addiction and other behavior to poor performance by the Bakers. This, despite some moderate success under former coach Snoop Lion, who was fired in the midst of the 2013 season. Former placekicker Rob Bironas was named Bakers' head coach heading into 2014 after emerging from a list that included Iggy Pop and Cheetah Chrome. Bironas has not spoken to the press himself since the hire, but has reportedly reached out to Lion for assistance.

According to Rose, Sharif was candid, if not coherent. He spoke of the team's upcoming season, immediate litigation, Faith Popcorn and Mr. TD, as well as his very essence.

"I feel better about this season than any in recent years," Sharif told Rose. "The first pick and the draft restructure should be a big shot in the arm. Speaking of shots in the arm, I'm late for the Treehouse sessions with CK. Incidentally, I'm wearing a suit made completely out of chocolate. It's the most amazing thing. CK is a stone-cold genius."

When pressed about the potential first pick, Sharif was coy.

"I know everyone expects us to take Peyton, and that makes a lot of sense, but to have a pussy of that magnitude wearing the colors is a hard thing to envision," Sharif said. "There's a lot of back-channel discussion going on right now, and believe it or not, the rebels in Ukraine are watching this very closely. The Bakers' success this year could have a direct bearing on things over there.

"But, I'm getting a little ahead of myself with this conversation. I've instructed Mandrake Kirby to file an immediate request for an injunction against the new ownership," he continued. "If this mess isn't cleaned up, the Bakers could have two separate drafts on Thursday, and that would screw the league big time. I'm not here to do that. I'm back to reclaim the team, and to expose that rail of a transgender apostate Meemaw Murman. Those two things are first order of business — that and showing Petro a good time here. If the right people show up tonight, we'll be off to a good start."

Rose apparently aimed a few questions directly at Poroshenko, who spoke through Sharif. When asked why he would accompany Sharif back to the States when things were so fragile in the Ukraine, Poroshenko responded:

"Oligarchs are people who seek power in order to further enrich themselves. But I have long fought against bandits who are robbing our country and have destroyed free enterprise."

In early 2014, the Russian government-aligned television station NTV aired a film which portrayed Poroshenko and his friendship with Sharif in an extremely negative light. Sharif apparently sees himself and Poroshenko as brothers-in-arms. He also views Poroshenko as a line of defense against his former Russian partners.

"This all makes so much sense," Sharif told Rose. "CK will help the Bakers, and the Bakers will help CK. Simple as that. I've always considered myself an underdog, and when you look at the dog CK's up against — well, you just have to bask in the badass's glow. I mean, come on, when you take on that bear, you've got something swinging."

According to Rose, Sharif seemed a bit emotional when asked about the organization's PR director Faith Popcorn, and former mascot Mr. TD, believed to have been reanimated for the upcoming season. The present whereabouts of both is unknown.

"I will say that we've been up close to a heavy scene. Really heavy. Mr. TD may or may not be coming home, if in fact he was ever alive again. Faith will return when the time comes — she's having to deal with some things right now. There's something wrong with her legs."

More on this story as it develops.

COACH SMALLEY ALL SMILES FOLLOWING PLAYERS-ONLY MEETING

Tight end Jimmy Graham was ecstatic to be named one of The Green's keepers.

From wire reports

NASHVILLE—Feeling downright positive that he was signed as a franchise player for Coach Stuart Smalley, Village Green tight end Jimmy Graham called a players-only meeting on Friday night at the Village's local watering hole, Goodrow-A-Go-Go.  

Graham told the local media that he feels encouraged by the core around him including quarterback Philip Rivers, a consistent Top 5 quarterback in the league, and defensive stalwarts Justin Tuck and DeAngelo Hall, both of whom excelled in the team's defense.  

Chants of "Everyone's good enough, smart enough and gosh darn it, people like us" were heard from outside the bar as locals came by to witness the impromptu gathering. The Smalley mantra had clearly permeated the locker room of the Green... now being shouted regularly by Graham, the defacto locker room leader based on his clear dominance in the league last year.

Reached for comment at the bar, Marshawn Lynch agreed, saying, "Damn straight we're happy! Can't wait to get my meggings on for this year and run through the league!" The meggings (short for man leggings) were worn in the second half last year and boosted the performance of all the skill players on the Green — they cut down on wind resistance — and brought them to the championship game.

Following the players-only meeting, Coach Smalley showed up at the Goodrow-A-Go-Go with pals Wayne Newton and Brian Boitano, both in town for the ALL-SMILES convention at the Music City Center. "These meggings will bring us the trophy!" exclaimed Smalley as he, Newton and Boitano simultaneously yanked off their tear-away pants to reveal the new lime green meggings for all to admire.

Witnesses say at that point, several of those gathered pointed to the abnormally large bulge seen in the crotch of Boitano. The mostly heterosexual crowd seemed put off until Boitano reached into his lycra, pulled out a Ziploc bag and threw it on the table. "Purple Kush gents … 14 days till the first drug test, have at it," he said.

Also seen at the Goodrow-A-Go-Go Friday evening were several Nashville cast members, led by Mayor Teddy Conrad, who has a very "close" relationship with Smalley. Teddy was unavailable for comment.

Predraft preview LATE TRADES POSITION 'BUBBAS FOR TITLE RUN Keepers announced, no real surprises

In a late frenzy of wheeling-and-dealing, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas added two keepers, running back DeMarco Murray (above) and linebacker Luke Kuechly.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

At Club Gitmo last night, when asked about West Nashville's eleventh-hour dealings in advance of yesterday's keeper deadline, team chairman Jorgé Linardo threw back his head in silent laughter. After gathering himself, Linardo leaned in and said softly with a wry smile on his face, "We pulled off some serious [expletive]."

On the day of the predraft trade deadline, the Beelzebubbas made a pair of deals which greatly improved their prospects for the upcoming season, which will be the NFFA's thirteenth campaign. In the afternoon, they sent their eighth-round pick in this year's draft to the Downtown Corsairs in exchange for Luke Kuechly, a young Top 10 linebacker with a lot of upside. Then in the evening, they sent their first-round pick, number three overall, to the East Nashville Black Dogs for the Dogs' first-round pick, number five overall, and running back DeMarco Murray, who finished seventh in points scored among backs a year ago.

Kuechly and Murray were two of the 'Bubbas' six keepers. The following is the official list of 2014 keepers for each team:

12th Avenue Bakers
QB Robert Griffin III
RB Chris Johnson
WR/TE Jacoby Jones
DL J.J. Watt
LB Daryl Smith
DB Alterraun Verner.

Atlanta Smack Daddies
QB Nick Foles
RB Eddie Lacey
WR/TE Brandon Marshall
DL Robert Quinn
LB LaVonte David
DB Charles Tillman

Cambridge Animals
QB Tom Brady
RB Jamaal Charles
WR/TE Alshon Jeffrey
DL Chris Long
LB DeAndre Levy
DB Eric Weddle

Downtown Corsairs
QB Andrew Luck
RB Adrian Peterson
WR/TE Demaryius Thomas
DL Chandler Jones
LB Paul Posluszny
DB Morgan Burnett

East Nashville Black Dogs
QB Tony Romo
RB Matt Forte
WR/TE Antonio Brown
DL Jared Allen
LB Karlos Dansby
DB Barry Church

Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs
QB Andy Dalton
RB Montee Ball
WR/TE Jordy Nelson
DL Michael Johnson
LB Vontaze Burfict
DB Quintin Demps

The Village Green
QB Philip Rivers
RB Marshawn Lynch
WR/TE Jimmy Graham
DE Justin Tuck
LB Jerrell Freeman
DB DeAngelo Hall

West Nashville Beelzebubbas
QB Drew Brees
RB DeMarco Murray
WR/TE Cordarrelle Patterson
DL Carlos Dunlap
LB Luke Kuechly
DB Antrel Rolle

Based on points scored in 2013, the 'Bubbas' keepers scored nearly 100 more points than the keepers for the next closet team. Here's a ranking of the teams based on the number of combined points scored by their keepers last season:

1. Beelzebubbas – 1590.6
2. Black Dogs – 1498.2
3. The Green – 1452.5
4. Animals – 1437.4
5. Corsairs – 1382.4
6. Sea Hogs – 1293.0
7. Smack Daddies – 1289.3
8. Bakers – 1227.2

The Bakers may be last in terms of points scored by their keepers, but they have the first pick in this year's draft and the new owners have indicated they intend to use that pick to draft quarterback Peyton Manning, who scored the most points in NFFA history a year ago. Here's how the AWP projects the first round of the 2014 draft to play out:

1-1 Bakers – QB Peyton Manning: The Bakers have a chance to return to playoff contention with this one pick.

1-2 Animals – RB LeSean McCoy: With this pick, the Animals will have the league's most explosive backfield, featuring the top two running backs from a year ago.

1-3 Black Dogs (from Beelzebubbas) – QB Aaron Rodgers: The Black Dogs traded up to be able to pick Rodgers, which will give the franchise with three championship rings its first franchise quarterback. 

1-4 Sea Hogs – QB Matthew Stafford: The Sea Hogs need a quarterback with the departure of Peyton Manning after nine seasons with the team and Stafford is the top remaining signal caller, logging the fourth most points in 2013.

1-5 Beelzebubbas (from Black Dogs) – WR Calvin Johnson: With the selection of Megatron, the 'Bubbas will have the top receiving tandem in 2014.

1-6 Corsairs – WR A.J. Green: The Corsairs were torn as to whether they should make Green their keeper or Demaryius Thomas. As it turns out, they'll have them both again.

1-7 The Green – WR Dez Bryant: The Green declared tight end Jimmy Graham as their keeper at receiver, so they need a wideout and Bryant scored more than 200 points for the team last season.  

1-8 Smack Daddies – RB Arian Foster: Like the Corsairs and The Green, the defending champions from Atlanta have a chance to reunite with one of their top performers in recent seasons.

The 2014 NFFA draft will be held next Thursday, August 21, at 9 p.m. EDT.

FROM THE GOOSE TO HOUSE OF HATE New Bakers ownership mulls naming rights deal

Haterade is in talks to buy the naming rights to the Bakers home field.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

The ownership of the 12th Avenue Bakers may not be the only thing about the franchise that is changing.

Late Thursday, FSN learned that new team CEO Bill Cheatham, representing the BakerBackers ownership group, is nearing agreement on a sponsorship deal that would rechristen Grey Goose Stadium as Haterade Coliseum.

According to two sources close to the negotiations, the drink maker’s parent company, Hater Holdings, Inc., is insisting that any naming rights deal also recognize Haterade as the Official Beverage of the Cherry Bomb Café. That, the sources noted, might be an even bigger change than renaming the stadium, since the Cherry Bomb has long been known for its signature drink, the Touchdown Tazer®.

What’s more, Corsairs owner Mojo D is listed in Hater Holdings’ official 10-K filing as the company’s largest shareholder. In a crowning irony, any new naming rights deal would put the name of Mojo D’s product on the stadium that once belonged to a hated rival whom, according to rumors, the Corsairs’ owner once tried to assassinate.

Cheatham could not be reached Thursday night by phone but responded to questions via email, saying that no agreement had been reached. “Everything’s still on the table, except for what’s under the table and two or three things that stuck on the wall,” Cheatham said.

Devlin Redd, longtime head bartender at the Cherry Bomb, told FSN that he had been asked to “come up with some Haterade drink recipes, just in case. So far,” he added, “I’ve got the Haterita, the Hatini and the Blind Hate, which would combine Haterade with licensed, artisan moonshine. It’s the only drink I’ve ever seen that will take hair OFF your chest.”

BAKERS UNDER NEW OWNERSHIP Troubled franchise awarded to fan group

Bill Cheatham, who was having a macchiato at Frothy Monkey when he got a text that the group he leads had become the new owners of the 12th Avenue Bakers, invited the local media to join him for a press conference at the 12South coffee house.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

In a stunning development, a group led superfan Bill Cheatham was awarded ownership today of the 12th Avenue Bakers. The announcement came in the form of a press release Monday morning from the office of NFFA Commissioner Lorena “Meemaw” Murrman.

According to the release, Cheatham’s group, the Bakerbackers Booster Club, submitted a winning bid of $1.6 billion for the Bakers, one of the league’s founding franchises as well as its most troubled organization.

In June, following a Nashville court’s declaration that QCurl Sharif was legally dead, Murrman announced that the Bakers were up for sale. “It was important to resolve the issue quickly, so the team had stable ownership going into the season,” Murrman was quoted as saying in the release, adding that the commissioner was working from her property in Alamo, Texas.

Last month, Cheatham announced that the Bakerbackers’ bid would rely on an internet campaign with the crowd-funding site, KickStarter. While the group did not release details, sources familiar with the effort said the group received nearly $1 billion in contributions during the first two weeks alone.

Many longtime observers of the NFFA were surprised by the outpouring of support for the Bakers — and that the league would take the unprecedented step of awarding a franchise to a grassroots fan organization. Though the Commissioner’s office did not disclose the identities of bidders, it is widely believed that Snoop Lion, Little Jimmy Dickens, Michael Jordan, Mojo D, Donald Trump and Donald Sterling all had submitted proposals to buy the team. (Also rumored: Trump and Sterling planned to change the team’s name to the 12th Avenue Donalds.) Whatever plans may have existed for a bid from a Russian investor group were sidetracked after Vice President Joe Biden, who spoke at Sharif’s memorial service, announced that Russian financial assets in the U.S. were frozen.

In a hastily called press conference in the Frothy Monkey coffee shop, a 12South hangout, Cheatham said he was ecstatic. “Thanks to KickStarter,” said Cheatham, who sported a Glock pistol in a shoulder holder and a permit for the weapon in a lanyard hanging from his neck,” we’re starting off with more than a million shareholders. Now the Bakers will truly be the people’s team.

“More than any other franchise in the NFFA, the Bakers really have a national fanbase. Even so, we have to give credit where due to QCurl for being dead. I think a lot of the money we raised was given in reaction to his tragic disappearance. I don’t think we could have done it without him being gone.”

Cheatham announced that franchise player Rob Bironas would remain as coach. He also said that the team planned to extend its existing stadium naming rights agreement with Grey Goose, but that an innovative deal was being worked out with an investment firm to share naming rights to the field in a way that would honor the team’s beloved chimpanzee mascot. If an agreement could be concluded, Cheatham said, the playing surface would be known as Mr. TD Ameritrade Field.

The only changes to existing arrangements, Cheatham said, were that the team’s draft headquarters would move from Sharif’s old underground bunker beneath Grey Goose Stadium to Sevier Park — and that veteran sportswriter Woody Larry’s press credentials would be revoked permanently. “If he sets foot in the Goose without buying a ticket,” Cheatham said, “security have orders to shoot on sight.”

Cheatham announced that the Bakers would continue the Bacchanal, the annual festival co-sponsored by the team and the West Nashville Beelzebubbas that has become almost as popular as the league itself. He said the team’s liaison for the event would be his cousin, Howie Cheatham, and announced that they had just signed contracts with Cher, David Crosby, and a reanimated Freddie Mercury and Queen to be part of the show.

While many fans seemed excited about the new ownership, others expressed concern over Cheatham’s promise to “run the Bakers like a professional organization, a real team.”

“Part of the Bakers’ fan appeal, frankly, was the chronic chaos within the organization and on the field,” said Larry, who has covered the team for more than a decade. “A well-run organization might actually damage the brand.”

Fellow NFFA owner Mojo D, rumored to have been behind an assassination attempt on Sharif last year, scoffed at the notion that new ownership would give the Bakers new life. “Zey have a long tradition,” said D in an affected French accent, “and eet ees not a weening one.”