NAGURSKI TOUTS RULE CHANGES
By C.T.E. Furall
Bikini Football League Gazette
At a news conference on Monday Sylvan Goats owner Bronko Nagurski proposed rule changes designed to return football to its virile origins. For years Nagurski has expressed dismay over changes implemented to reduce injuries, but today for the first time he proposed his own modifications.
“We need to eliminate the fair catch and make punted balls live, like with the kickoff,” Nagurski declared. “No one wants to see grown men standing still catching balls like toddlers in the backyard. But some little f*ck like Tyrek Hill blasted off his feet, his body landing ten yards from his shoes, that’s entertainment.” Asked whether the move might risk more injuries, Nagurski responded:
“Injuries are part of the game, always have been. Trouble is they disrupt game flow. I want trapdoors on the field running along the hash marks. When someone goes down – boom! Roll ‘em into the nearest trapdoor. And side benefit: women might enjoy the game more if they didn’t have to look at broken players writhing on the sidelines or littered about the field.” Asked if the trapdoors would lower players into treatment facilities for faster medical attention, Nagurski said, “Sure, you could do that too if you want, conveyor belts, whatever. Just get ‘em off the field.”
Nagurski also touted uniform changes. “All kickers,” he declared, “should wear tutus."
As security converged on the lectern Nagurski shouted: “We need more injuries, not less! Let’s go back to leather helmets, no face guards. Sure, some guys might not want to spear anymore, but real men will launch themselves anyway. We should have a hardest hit prize, call it the Jack Tatum Award. I think football should not just hurt, it should hurt a lot.”
As Nagurski was wrestled to the ground, a reporter called out a question about CTE.
“What do whales have to do with anything?” Nagurski yelled. “One more thing: let’s go back to leather helmets, no face guards! Some--” But security guards had forced a kicking tee into Nagurski’s mouth and his closing words were garbled.
Contacted after the presser, league spokesperson Ben Dover had no comment. NFFA Commissioner Bill Money, reached at home, remarked: “Nagurski’s proposals are as plausible as they are sound.”
