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| Former Alamo Scouts owner Thurman Murrman (right) not only impersonated his grandmother Meemaw Murrman (left), he underwent a sex change. |
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
In a revelation that could threaten both the upcoming season and the existence of the league, FSN has confirmed that an imposter has occupied the NFFA Commissioner’s office for the past two seasons.
As part of a wide-ranging confession — offered without remorse and exclusively to FSN — Thurman Murrman admitted that he had successfully passed himself off as his grandmother, Lorena “Meemaw” Murrman, effectively running the league in which he once had been a franchise owner.
After selling his team, the Alamo Scouts, to Dave Goodrow, ThurMurr apparently began undergoing hormone therapy in preparation for gender assignment surgery to become a woman. During this process, he said, he came up with the idea of assuming the identity of his grandmother and becoming the NFFA’s de facto commissioner.
As the rambling, two-hour interview progressed, it became increasingly clear to this reporter that the taunts, by Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, that ThurMurr was his “bitch” led the former Scouts owner to identity as a woman and contributed to his decision to undergo a sex change. The taunts also led him to seek revenge against the entire league by using the power of the commissioner’s office.
“It was a way to carry the fantasy in fantasy football to a whole new level,” said ThurMurr, who now goes by the name Ethel Murrman and works as a manicurist. “Who’s my bitch now, Bill Money?”
The real MeeMaw Murrman — who owned a restaurant called The Sunnyside Up in Alamo, Texas, befriended Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, and helped apprehend Sea Hogs owner and fugitive Tirik O’Bobber before his successful treatment for criminal insanity — is currently the resident of a nursing home in nearby Pharr, Texas. FSN’s investigation concluded that she has never set foot in the league offices at Nashville’s NFFA Tower.
As his grandmother’s health and mental acuity declined, Thurmann Murmann was able to pass himself off in NashVegas as MeeMaw Murmann. Meanwhile, he was able to explain MeeMaw’s long absences from the NFFA league offices by claiming she needed to oversee the construction of the NFFA Hall of Fame in Alamo, Texas.
“In hindsight,” said one league official who for obvious reasons requested anonymity, “the naming of ThurMurr to the inaugural class of the NFFA Hall of Fame should have been a huge tipoff. But it went down right under our noses.”
ThurrMurr’s scheme gradually came to light after Beelzebubbas broadcaster Art Bell claimed on his late-night radio show earlier this year that the person serving as NFFA Commissioner was not Lorena Murmann but an imposter. After hearing the broadcast, former Bakers coach Snoop Lion befriended Bell, listened to his story, and then decided to visit Alamo, Texas.
“People were saying, ‘What is Art Bell smoking,’ so you know, I wanted to find out what the cat had in his pipe,” Lion said. “And then I found out he was onto some righteous dizzle fashizzle.”
During his own first-hand investigation, Lion found that the Sunnyside Up was under new management, who pointed him to the Saluda Buena nursing home, where he found Lorena Murmann, who according to staff, had been a resident there for more than two years. They also said that Lorena Murmann received regular visits from a young woman with short hair, whom they described as “the ugly granddaughter.”
From there, Lion deduced that ThurMurr was impersonating his grandmother. But he didn’t realize that “HerMurr,” as Lion dubbed him, was a transgendered woman until he returned to Nashville and began making inquiries that led to his discovery of the former Scouts owner working at a local day spa. When confronted with the evidence, the younger Murmann admitted the truth and agreed to tell his story to FSN.
“At first it was probably no big deal,” Lion said. “This league mostly runs itself. But then it got off the chain with declaring my man QCurl dead and selling the team out from under him. So I had to get with him and say, ‘Girlfriend, tear down this wall!
“And by the way, if Art Bell was smoking something, that stuff needs to get legal. I call it the truth, and the truth can set America free.”
ThurMurr’s stunning revelation creates a host of urgent questions for the NFFA. Chief among them: Before this Thursday’s draft, the league must address the legality of the sale of the 12th Avenue Bakers to superfan Bill Cheatham. That matter is already the subject of a lawsuit brought Monday morning by Bakers legal counsel Mandrake Kirby.
NFFA founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo indicated that the league should not wait for the legal process. Instead, he suggested, he would call for an emergency owners meeting (which would include Cheatham) on Tuesday to determine whether the sale of the Bakers should be revoked.
“I think it’s fair to say that Dr. Linardo is a little disappointed that QCurl couldn’t find the time to pick up the satellite phone in all these months while he was gallivanting around with the Chocolate King and let him know he was alive,” said Chuck Barris, the Beelzebubbas’ VP for Communications. “After all, he attended Sharif’s memorial service and had actually reached out to QCurl’s uncle Omar about coming to Nashville to look after CurlBaby and QCurl’s business interests. But we’ll just deal with the cards that we’re dealt and get this fixed.”
Once the Bakers’ ownership issue is resolved, the league also will have to undertake the task of naming a new commissioner. Some observers have suggested that the job should go to Snoop, but when asked by FSN the former Bakers coach demurred. “I haven’t talked to QCurl about it, but it seems to me that HerMurr might not be a bad choice,” Lion said. “I mean, you gotta admit that HerMurr was a better commissioner than Bill Money. She was more engaged, you know? And if she/he could pull this off, who knows what could happen if we can just channel that creativity in the right direction.”
As part of a wide-ranging confession — offered without remorse and exclusively to FSN — Thurman Murrman admitted that he had successfully passed himself off as his grandmother, Lorena “Meemaw” Murrman, effectively running the league in which he once had been a franchise owner.
After selling his team, the Alamo Scouts, to Dave Goodrow, ThurMurr apparently began undergoing hormone therapy in preparation for gender assignment surgery to become a woman. During this process, he said, he came up with the idea of assuming the identity of his grandmother and becoming the NFFA’s de facto commissioner.
As the rambling, two-hour interview progressed, it became increasingly clear to this reporter that the taunts, by Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, that ThurMurr was his “bitch” led the former Scouts owner to identity as a woman and contributed to his decision to undergo a sex change. The taunts also led him to seek revenge against the entire league by using the power of the commissioner’s office.
“It was a way to carry the fantasy in fantasy football to a whole new level,” said ThurMurr, who now goes by the name Ethel Murrman and works as a manicurist. “Who’s my bitch now, Bill Money?”
The real MeeMaw Murrman — who owned a restaurant called The Sunnyside Up in Alamo, Texas, befriended Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, and helped apprehend Sea Hogs owner and fugitive Tirik O’Bobber before his successful treatment for criminal insanity — is currently the resident of a nursing home in nearby Pharr, Texas. FSN’s investigation concluded that she has never set foot in the league offices at Nashville’s NFFA Tower.
As his grandmother’s health and mental acuity declined, Thurmann Murmann was able to pass himself off in NashVegas as MeeMaw Murmann. Meanwhile, he was able to explain MeeMaw’s long absences from the NFFA league offices by claiming she needed to oversee the construction of the NFFA Hall of Fame in Alamo, Texas.
“In hindsight,” said one league official who for obvious reasons requested anonymity, “the naming of ThurMurr to the inaugural class of the NFFA Hall of Fame should have been a huge tipoff. But it went down right under our noses.”
ThurrMurr’s scheme gradually came to light after Beelzebubbas broadcaster Art Bell claimed on his late-night radio show earlier this year that the person serving as NFFA Commissioner was not Lorena Murmann but an imposter. After hearing the broadcast, former Bakers coach Snoop Lion befriended Bell, listened to his story, and then decided to visit Alamo, Texas.
“People were saying, ‘What is Art Bell smoking,’ so you know, I wanted to find out what the cat had in his pipe,” Lion said. “And then I found out he was onto some righteous dizzle fashizzle.”
During his own first-hand investigation, Lion found that the Sunnyside Up was under new management, who pointed him to the Saluda Buena nursing home, where he found Lorena Murmann, who according to staff, had been a resident there for more than two years. They also said that Lorena Murmann received regular visits from a young woman with short hair, whom they described as “the ugly granddaughter.”
From there, Lion deduced that ThurMurr was impersonating his grandmother. But he didn’t realize that “HerMurr,” as Lion dubbed him, was a transgendered woman until he returned to Nashville and began making inquiries that led to his discovery of the former Scouts owner working at a local day spa. When confronted with the evidence, the younger Murmann admitted the truth and agreed to tell his story to FSN.
“At first it was probably no big deal,” Lion said. “This league mostly runs itself. But then it got off the chain with declaring my man QCurl dead and selling the team out from under him. So I had to get with him and say, ‘Girlfriend, tear down this wall!
“And by the way, if Art Bell was smoking something, that stuff needs to get legal. I call it the truth, and the truth can set America free.”
ThurMurr’s stunning revelation creates a host of urgent questions for the NFFA. Chief among them: Before this Thursday’s draft, the league must address the legality of the sale of the 12th Avenue Bakers to superfan Bill Cheatham. That matter is already the subject of a lawsuit brought Monday morning by Bakers legal counsel Mandrake Kirby.
NFFA founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo indicated that the league should not wait for the legal process. Instead, he suggested, he would call for an emergency owners meeting (which would include Cheatham) on Tuesday to determine whether the sale of the Bakers should be revoked.
“I think it’s fair to say that Dr. Linardo is a little disappointed that QCurl couldn’t find the time to pick up the satellite phone in all these months while he was gallivanting around with the Chocolate King and let him know he was alive,” said Chuck Barris, the Beelzebubbas’ VP for Communications. “After all, he attended Sharif’s memorial service and had actually reached out to QCurl’s uncle Omar about coming to Nashville to look after CurlBaby and QCurl’s business interests. But we’ll just deal with the cards that we’re dealt and get this fixed.”
Once the Bakers’ ownership issue is resolved, the league also will have to undertake the task of naming a new commissioner. Some observers have suggested that the job should go to Snoop, but when asked by FSN the former Bakers coach demurred. “I haven’t talked to QCurl about it, but it seems to me that HerMurr might not be a bad choice,” Lion said. “I mean, you gotta admit that HerMurr was a better commissioner than Bill Money. She was more engaged, you know? And if she/he could pull this off, who knows what could happen if we can just channel that creativity in the right direction.”
