CARDINAL LEONARDO BACK FROM ROME Addresses Murrman's demand for excommunication of seven team owners

Cardinal Leonardo (File Photo)

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

Cardinal Giorgio Leonardo, who has quietly served as papal nuncio to the NFFA since 2004, returned today from Rome, where he was part of the college of cardinals that elected the new pope this week.

In an exclusive interview with FSN from his office next to the Cherry Bomb Café, Cardinal Leonardo addressed topics ranging from Vatican politics to the NFFA’s feisty deputy commissioner, Meemaw Murrman.

Leonardo disclosed that he had brought a personal gift to his fellow cardinals from league founder Jorgé Linardo, in the form of hand-rolled Colombian cigars from Linardo’s home province of Antioquia. “Some Vatican watchers saw the green smoke coming out of the chimney and got confused,” laughed Cardinal Leonardo. “And some inside,” he added cryptically, “were dazed.”

Asked for insights into the new pope,” Leonardo replied, “I’ll only pass on what Dr. Linardo said: ‘It’s good to have a fellow Jorgé and a fellow South American holding the keys to the kingdom.’ He said if he’s going to let anyone hold keys for him, it would be Cardinal Birgoglio.”

Cardinal Leonardo was less forthcoming about reports that NFFA Deputy Commissioner Meemaw Murrman had asked him to excommunicate all franchise owners except for the Corsairs’ Mojo D. “Well, first of all, I could not excommunicate the Beelzebubbas’ owner, since he is twice dead,” said Leonardo with a thin smile. “As to the other six, it is a serious request that Mrs. Murrman makes. I think it is better to reconcile than to expel, but I will pray over this with Mr. Sharif tonight after he finishes his live chat on ChristianMingle.com.”

The cardinal said he was unaware that the sports book in the Cherry Bomb Café had set the odds against excommunication at 8-to-1. “Too bad I am not a betting man,” he said. “Those are pretty good odds. Especially when I control the decision.

“I’m joking, of course,” he quickly added. “The decision is in God’s hands. Pax vobiscum.”

RAY RAY BANNED FOR LIFE

The above painting, which hangs prominently at The Cherry Bomb Café, shows Mr. TD wearing the very luchador mask he was wearing the night he died .

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

At a hastily called press conference this afternoon in front of The Cherry Bomb Café, Commissioner William D. Money announced he had decided to ban new Corsairs head coach Ray Lewis from the NFFA "for life" for his role in the death of beloved 12th Avenue Bakers mascot, Mr. TD.

Flanked by Bakers owner QCurl Sharif and Village Green owner Dave "Goodrow" Goodridge, Money read from a prepared statement and did not take any questions from the several reporters in attendance.

"This is a day filled with incredible sadness in the NFFA," the commissioner began, his hoarse voice cracking. "We mourn Mr. TD for a second time, but this time with new details that make our grief even more painful. 

"To learn that Mr. TD met his demise, not by his own hands, but by the hands of one of the most revered players in Bakers history is hard to accept and has weighed heavily on my mind since I first heard the news from QCurl yesterday morning that Ray Lewis had killed Mr. TD.  

"The statute of limitations may have expired on Ray's crime, but the league doesn't have any such limitation," Money continued. "So after much deliberation (and three Touchdown Tasers™), I have decided to ban Ray Lewis for life from the NFFA for his role in the death of Mr. TD.

"The ban will take effect immediately, and Ray is ordered to vacate the Corsairs facilities within 24 hours." With that, Money wiped a tear from his eye and stepped away from the microphone.

Woody Larry then asked, "Have you spoken to Ray about this?" Goodrow stepped to the microphone and said, "The commissioner will not be taking any questions at this time. He is in mourning — frankly, we all are. Little Gonzo has been so upset he hasn't wanted to fling his feces — or anyone else's — ever since he heard the news."

As Goodrow spoke, Sharif and Money slipped into The Cherry Bomb. After a few more words with the reporters gathered, the Green's owner joined them.

Neither Lewis, nor Corsairs' owner Mojo D could be reached for comment. The AWP will have more on this story as it develops.

RAY RAY CONFESSES Stunning admission in Mr. TD mystery death

Corsairs coach Ray Lewis leaving Meemaw Murrman's residence on Saturday after confessing to being responsible for the death of Bakers icon, Mr. TD.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

In a stunning development that could shake the NFFA to its core, sources say that new Corsairs coach Ray Lewis has confessed to the 2004 killing of Bakers’ team mascot Mr. TD.

According to the sources, who requested anonymity, Lewis, a longtime member of the Bakers’ team, made his tearful confession to Deputy Commissioner Meemaw Murrman on Saturday.

“He didn’t mean to do it,” one of the sources said. “He told Meemaw that he had been asleep on a sofa in the closed-off Bakers Museum at the Cherry Bomb Café, when Mr. TD walked in wearing a luchador mask and startled him.

“Ray was still half-asleep, and before he knew what he was doing, he had grabbed Mr. TD and strangled him. In a panic, he took the body to a motel on Dickerson Road and made it look like a suicide.”

Another source said that the burden of living with this secret for so many years had taken its toll on Lewis. “He needed to free his soul, but he couldn’t do it while he was with the Bakers,” the source said. “Ray Ray felt like Meemaw would understand.”

The shocking revelation is bound to further complicate relations between the Bakers and Corsairs. Lewis has already been the source of controversy between his old team and his new team in recent weeks, with the Bakers filing a breach of contract lawsuit against the Corsairs and Commissioner Bill Money ruling that the Corsairs must compensate the Bakers with their first-round pick in this year’s draft.

It appears, however, that there will be no criminal charges forthcoming. According to the Metro Davidson County District Attorney’s office, the statute of limitations on killing monkeys expired three years ago.

Mr. TD statue at Grey Goose Stadium.

Neither Lewis nor Murrman could be reached for comment Monday. When apprised of the story, a person who answered the phone at the Bakers team offices gasped audibly and then said, “Mr. TD was more than a mascot. He was QCurl Sharif’s cousin and boyhood friend in France. Please don’t run this story. It will only reopen all the old wounds." The person paused, then added, "Although I have to admit, the luchador thing does sound totally like Mr. TD.”

'BUBBAS GO WITH SATAN ‘Coup’ rounds out Glanville’s staff, says Biggs

New Beelzebubbas coach Nicky Satan enjoyed a cold 40-ounce of Colt 45, one of the team's primary sponsors, during his welcoming press conference yesterday.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

In a swift and stunning move on Monday, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas announced the hiring of Nicky Satan to join the staff of new head coach Jerry Glanville.

Satan’s title reveals what league observers believe will be an unprecedented array of responsibilities: Offensive & Defensive Coordinator, Special Teams Coach and Head Coach-in-Waiting.

“We had an opportunity to pull the trigger on this deal and score a coup,” said a beaming Ghost of the Ghost of Boyd X. Biggs, who introduced Satan to the media at a presser in the new Los Altos smoking lounge at Club Gitmo. “As El Jefé says, we like to pull triggers around here.

“We believe we now have the staff we’ve been looking for — the visionary genius of Jerry Glanville and the strategic savvy of Nicky. It’s also good to have a Satan around here again in some place other than our logo.”

Though Biggs, the team’s new general manager, had promised that he “wasn’t done yet” when he hired Glanville, the announcement of Satan still appeared to catch observers by surprise. Many reporters knew there had been earlier talks between Satan and the 12th Avenue Bakers, but new coach’s signed-in-blood contract with the Bubbas was concluded without even the smallest leak to the media.

“I’m tanned, I’m rested, and I’m ready,” said a buoyant Satan when he took the microphone. “The chance to work with an organization like this comes along once in a lifetime. It was an offer I couldn’t refuse.”

Dr. Jorgé Linardo, who made a rare speaking appearance on behalf of his team, recounted an incident from earlier in the morning. “When we took him on a tour, Nicky looked around and asked, ‘Is this heaven?’

“‘No,’ I said, but if you ride the elevator here all the way down, you can get to Hell.” With that, the white-haired league founder tossed back his head and laughed silently.