"George W. Bushbaby" (above), who arrived at Methlon yesterday wearing silver dog tags with "W" inscribed on them (inset), was at first viewed with suspicion, but has now been embraced by DTA.By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
Officials at Methlon Sports’ home offices in Cambridge were, by turns, alarmed and charmed early this morning by what apparently was a gift in tribute to owner Dave the Animal’s coaching genius.
Employees arrived this morning to find a larger-than-life, papier-maché figure of DTA in front of the gates of Methlon’s offices. Pinned to the figure was a card inscribed, “Congrats on being a cover boy and on your new Broadway musical, from a Fantasy NFFA Admirer.” The language was a reference to DTA’s recent appearance on the cover of Sports Illustrated and on the opening of a new musical tribute to methamphetamines, entitled A Little Night Monkey, which was cowritten by DTA.
After hearing noises coming from inside the figure, employees called Cambridge police, who cleared people from the area surrounding the Methlon Building while a bomb squad investigated. The detected no explosive, but upon opening the papier-maché found inside a small, highly agitated monkey. The monkey, which calmed down quickly after receiving one of DTA’s new “Horse pills” (now in Phase 3 clinical trials), was identified by Methlon’s staff zoologist as a Senegal bushbaby, and was wearing sterling silver dog tags inscribed “W” and a gold bracelet inscribed “George.”
According to unnamed sources, the Animals’ team team kabbalist advised DTA to turn the animal over to the Boston Zoo, cautioning that involvement with monkeys had brought nothing but ill fortune to at least three other NFFA franchises and even suggesting that the sudden and mysterious gift might be part of a sinister effort by the 12th Avenue Bakers to “reverse the curse” that DTA had placed upon that team. However, the sources said, DTA had grown fond of the monkey, which he had dubbed “George W. Bushbaby,” and was already teaching it to count cards at casino games.
FSN will report further details of this story as they emerge.
Employees arrived this morning to find a larger-than-life, papier-maché figure of DTA in front of the gates of Methlon’s offices. Pinned to the figure was a card inscribed, “Congrats on being a cover boy and on your new Broadway musical, from a Fantasy NFFA Admirer.” The language was a reference to DTA’s recent appearance on the cover of Sports Illustrated and on the opening of a new musical tribute to methamphetamines, entitled A Little Night Monkey, which was cowritten by DTA.
After hearing noises coming from inside the figure, employees called Cambridge police, who cleared people from the area surrounding the Methlon Building while a bomb squad investigated. The detected no explosive, but upon opening the papier-maché found inside a small, highly agitated monkey. The monkey, which calmed down quickly after receiving one of DTA’s new “Horse pills” (now in Phase 3 clinical trials), was identified by Methlon’s staff zoologist as a Senegal bushbaby, and was wearing sterling silver dog tags inscribed “W” and a gold bracelet inscribed “George.”
According to unnamed sources, the Animals’ team team kabbalist advised DTA to turn the animal over to the Boston Zoo, cautioning that involvement with monkeys had brought nothing but ill fortune to at least three other NFFA franchises and even suggesting that the sudden and mysterious gift might be part of a sinister effort by the 12th Avenue Bakers to “reverse the curse” that DTA had placed upon that team. However, the sources said, DTA had grown fond of the monkey, which he had dubbed “George W. Bushbaby,” and was already teaching it to count cards at casino games.
FSN will report further details of this story as they emerge.
