By Rhonda Santis
FSPN
Ed. note: Rhonda Santis (xe/xer/xem/xers) is a contributor for the recently launched FSPN (Fantasy Sports Programming Network) content mill. Xe has been a mainstay at the West Nashville Library Drag Queen/Drug King Story Hour, and offers xer unique take and insights on the NFFA. Some of these comments were part of her post-Story Hour set at the Linardo Lounge at Club Gitmo.
It's playoff time, bitches! Let’s preview the playoff games:
Daddies v. Ballers
The Daddies are on a roll and the Ballers struggled to get into the playoffs. The Ballers are young, scrappy and hungry but just don’t have Championship horsepower without a star WR (Cooper Kupp’s Week 10 injury changed their fortunes drastically). But Mojo D’s teams are built for the playoffs - they have made it to the second season 9 of the last 10 years, and vied for the Dead Lombardi Trophy in 6 of those seasons, scooping up 3 rings along the way. Ballers will need luck as much as anything to return to the finals.
But luck has illuminated the Daddies entire 2022 campaign - how else does the #7 scoring team in the league also have the best record? Savvy and timely free-agent pickups kept them on top, but will they have time for that now? I see Lex Dominica recently made himself pope of some backwater Texas sand-hump - it makes me think he hasn’t gotten rid of the syphilis he picked up in Matamoros; in its tertiary stages, delusions of grandeur are common. I'll talk sh*t about him for the clicks, but honestly, there's nobody closer to the drag queen ethos than Lex: the sombrero and velvet warmup suits? Slay, queen - I have makeup tips when you're ready!
Hate to bet against the Ballers in a playoff (especially since Mojo D is bankrolling me), but I’m taking the Daddies in this one.
Bakers v. Green
It has been said that the Bakers’ back-to-back Jorge Division championships are a sign of the end-times, but let’s face it honey, there’s always something portending the end-times in the NFFA: a league built on curses invites that kind of cosmic interference. The Bakers are on a 4-game win streak and executed the rare feat of a sweep of their division in the 2022 season. Bakers are indubitably the sentimental favorite here since they have never won an NFFA Ring (not to mention Q Curl Sharif’s growing global superstardom and the inexplicable Ukrainian nipple-ring craze), but the data don’t support the sentiment.
The Village Green are currently a juggernaut - as long as Mahomes is healthy, the Green can win. And with the Green’s loaded backfield - including Goodrow’s hopelessly-devoted-to-you man-crush Saquon Barkley - getting off, it has been a happy time in the Village. Look for the good times to continue to roll at the Goodrow-a-Go-Go: I might even get up and sing “You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man…”
And let’s review the losers’ bracket too.
Chin up, baes - you get the first picks in the 2023 draft!
The Animals just aren’t even trying - it’s very sad: only two seasons removed from their improbable championship and they can only muster 3 wins. Wake up, DTA, WTA, ZTA and the rest of you filthy animals! It’s time to stop f*cking that GOAT - move on!! Does all this go back to how the Animals dissed the Curse of the Champion? Maybe Wilder needs to lock DTA in the basement again...
The rookie Midtown Browns are the odd team out in the dominant Linardo Division, but they had no chance to win it all because of the aforementioned [cue 'pay no attention to the man behind the curtain' voice] Curse of the Champion. Even with the best QB in the league, key injuries to stars hurt their chances to put together a string of wins, but yeah, the Curse is undefeated. Need proof? Swept by the lowly Animals: ‘nuff said. Consolation: we SO love the vintage, throwback aesthetic...
The Beelzebubbas are an enigma wrapped in a warm, flaky pastry. On the outside, it looks amazing, but the the insides are inconsistent. After a weak start, the team rolled up three 200+ point games, including the historic #1 scoring game of all NFFA time [259.2 pts in Week 8]. But hear this - and listen close, bitches - the only reason they are not in the playoffs is their .2-point loss to the Bakers in Week 1, which was because of a .5-point scoring adjustment by Elias. Sources close to the Bubbas indicate there will be an investigation into Elias’ actions. Those same sources report that team management, particularly Meta World Death, are “butt-hurt.”
Speaking of butt-hurt, this season was painful for the storied Black Dogs franchise. Still alive for the playoffs in Week 15 and — even with their opponent’s alleged technical difficulties with setting a lineup — the team could not take care of business and wound up in 3rd place in the Jorge Division. Good news, Money: you're in 3rd draft position for 2023!
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Blessed Kwanzaa, my sweets - stay fabulous!
