GUNMAN INVADES CHERRY BOMB Hostage situation defused by quick-thinking bartender

Powers Boothe was taken hostage by a gunman at The Cherry Bomb last night.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

A man screaming “Where are the child slaves?!” and wielding an AR-15 assault rifle stormed into The Cherry Bomb Café Tuesday night, creating a tense hostage situation until a quick-witted bartender managed to surprise and subdue him. No one was injured during the incident.

Police were called to the storied 12South nightspot around 9 p.m. after Chief Mixologist Devlin Redd triggered a security alarm. The armed intruder told patrons that he had read reports on Breitbart and Infowars that café owner QCurl Sharif operated a child sex slavery ring from a basement tunnel complex at the club and had come to stop it.

When a police S.W.A.T. team arrived, they found that the gunman had taken the club’s only patron as a hostage — actor Powers Boothe, who was watching the Bakers-Black Dogs playoff game on TV. The tense standoff ended, Redd told reporters, after he threw a Touchdown Taser® in the gunman’s face and the potent ingredients in the drink temporarily blinded him. 

The man, who was wearing a red “Make America Great Again” ballcap, was identified as G.D. “Yosemite” Sams, a right-wing blogger from Idaho. As he was led away, Sams — whom records show to be a Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs season-ticket holder — screamed, “You should be going after Sharif! Lock him up! Lock him up!”

Sharif, who relocated to London in August, could not be reached for comment.

After the gunman was subdued, Redd offered to take reporters into the basement of the café, which does contain a tunnel connecting The Cherry Bomb to the next-door offices of Vatican emissary Cardinal Giorgio Leonardo. (The cardinal was not present during the attack.) “I hope this can clear things up a little,” said Redd as reporters walked through the musty basement area, where they could see nothing but several empty cardboard boxes, a mannequin dressed in Bakers licensed apparel, and a football autographed by the late Rob Bironas. “We want the truth to be known,” said Redd. “Truth is the best disinfectant. In fact, it’s one of the secret ingredients in the Touchdown Taser®.”

By Tuesday morning, The Cherry Bomb was back open for brunch, and police officers were being treated to complimentary plates of huevos rancheros and New Mexico salsa verde. “We were lucky last night,” said one of the officers, who declined to give his name. “Since the Bakers left town, nobody but Powers Boothe and the occasional tourist comes here anymore. In the old days, we might have had a bloodbath.”

BREAKING: Authorities in Istanbul want to question Sharif about yesterday’s assassination of the Russian ambassador to Turkey. A spokesman for the Turkish federal police noted that Sharif’s well-known connection to Ukrainian chocolate mogul Petro Poroschenko, combined with a little-publicized visit he made to Turkey a week ago, make him “a person of intense interest.”

OBOBBER FATHERS OWN PLAYER? New allegation by Anita Hill rocks NFFA

With his image projected on a screen behind her, Anita Hill made a stunning announcement earlier today about her son, Sea Hogs wide receiver Tyreek Hill.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

Law professor Anita Hill stunned the sports world Friday with a dramatic allegation: She has an out-of-wedlock child by Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber. And now for the other shoe: Their son, says Professor Hill, is Tyreek Hill, one of the members of the Sea Hogs — and was conceived during a 1993 party aboard Obobber’s yacht, where Professor Hill says she was held hostage.

Hill made her claims at a news conference at the Mar-a-Lago Resort in Florida, which happens to be owned by NFFA franchisee Donald Trump. In her statement to the media, Professor Hill said she had never told Obobber previously that he was Tyreek Hill’s father — even though she said the child was named for Tirik Obobber. In fact, she said, she had not told Tyreek himself until after his two-touchdown performance on Thursday night.

“I didn’t want to worry him before a big game,” Professor Hill said. In response to a reporter’s question, she said that she hopes Obobber will agree to a paternity test; if not, she intends to pursue legal action that would result in him submitting DNA samples for testing.

Obobber could not be reached on Friday for comment. According to a source within the Sea Hogs organization, he was traveling back to Fidalgo Island after being away on "business."

Professor Hill is no stranger to the spotlight. She created a sensation in 1991 when she alleged that then Supreme Court nominee Clarence Thomas had harassed her, referring to himself as “Long Dong Silver.” Obobber, for his part, has been accused by several other women — including the daughters of former NFFA Commissioner Bill Money — of holding them hostage as sex slaves aboard his yacht.

Tyreek Hill, reached after practice Friday afternoon, confirmed that his mother had told him about Obobber the night before. “You know, really, I always kind of thought Clarence Thomas was my real daddy,” Tyreek said. “So I’m a little bit bummed if I’m not the son of a Supreme Court judge. On the other hand, it’s kind of cool to be playing football for your daddy. I just hope there’s a place for me in the family after football is over.”

PLAYOFF PICTURE COMES INTO FOCUS Dogs clinch Jorge title Corsairs, Hogs, Daddies eye Linardo Six teams still alive in wild-card chase

Marshawn Lynch speaks to reporters this morning about winning the Jorge division championship in his first season as head coach of the Black Dogs.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

With a win over the defending champs from Cambridge this past weekend, East Nashville improved their record to 9-4 and clinched the Jorge division title for the eleventh time in the past thirteen years. The Black Dogs also claimed the No. 1 seed in the playoffs.

"This is the reward you get when you are willing to run through a muthafucka's face over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again," Black Dogs coach Marshawn Lynch said at his Tuesday presser. "Winning the division was goal number one, and frankly, pretty much expected around here. Now we've got to run through a muthafucka's face three more times to get dat ring."

One reporter in town from Boston asked the Black Dogs how much his team's victory over the Animals was due to "the grandmother of all curses" put on them by the Beelzebubbas, to which Lynch smiled and said, "Well, I don't believe in curses, but the curse is 2-0."

Amazingly, the Black Dogs are the only team to have clinched a playoff berth with only one week to go in the regular season. It's one of the tightest campaigns in the league's fifteen-year history, comparable only to the 2004 season, when the five teams that hadn't clinched a playoff berth were all mathematically still in the hunt for the final wild-card spot on the season's final week.

This year, the other three teams in the Jorge division — Cambridge, London, and West Nashville — all have 6-7 records (assuming West Nashville's one-point win over London holds up) and remain in the hunt for a wild-card playoff berth. The Animals and the Bakers square off in Cambridge this weekend, and the Black Dogs head to West Nashville to take on the Beelzebubbas. In Cambridge, the winner will be 7-7 and in the running for one of the two wild-card berths, while the loser will be eliminated. If the 'Bubbas knock off the Dogs, they will finish 7-7, too, and also be in play for a wild-card spot.

In the race for the Linardo division crown, the picture is a little murkier. The Downtown Corsairs and Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs are tied atop the division with 7-6 records, but the Sea Hogs own the tiebreaker and would be the division champs if the season ended today. But it doesn't, so 6-7 Atlanta is still in the mix, as well. If the Sea Hogs beat the Daddies this weekend, they will clinch the division title, no matter what the Corsairs do by virtue of the league's tiebreaker system. The first tiebreaker is overall winning percentage, which would be equal for both teams. The second tiebreaker is division winning percentage, and the Hogs have a better division record than the Corsairs. In order for the Corsairs to claim the division title, they not only need to knock off the Village Green this weekend, but they need the Daddies to defeat the Sea Hogs.

On the other hand, if the Daddies knock off the Sea Hogs and the Village Green defeat the Corsairs, the Daddies, Hogs, and Corsairs would all have 7-7 records and the Daddies would win the division title via the league tiebreakers. The first tiebreaker (overall winning percentage) would be equal for all three teams. The second tiebreaker (division winning percentage) would eliminate the Corsairs, but there would still be at tie between the Daddies and Hogs — both would be 4-2 in the division. That would bring the third tiebreaker, total points scored, into play, and the Daddies have scored 130.6 more points than the Hogs, a seemingly impossible margin for the Hogs to overcome in one game. So, the Daddies would win the division and the Hogs and Corsairs would then fight it out with at least one other 7-7 team from the Jorge division for the two wild-card playoff spots.

Unfortunately for president-elect Donald Trump, his Green team was eliminated from the championship playoff hunt this past weekend with their loss to the Sea Hogs. After the Hogs' come-from-behind win Sunday evening, Trump went on a Twitter rampage Monday morning, disparaging team owner Tirik Obobber.

Obobber was not available for comment at press time. A source close to the embattled owner said he was on his yacht, still celebrating his victory over Trump's team. "He just did what Hillary couldn't do — beat Trump," the source explained. "So he threw a party for the team featuring 50 Korean hookers, 25 cases of Dom Perignon, and a quarter pound of Sour Diesel primo buds."

There is one thing left for Trump's Green to play for: If they knock off the Corsairs this weekend, they will deny their hated rivals the division crown, and possibly even a berth in the playoffs.

SIDEBAR: Wild-card possibilities

Six teams remain in contention for the final two wild-card berths. The first tiebreaker for the wild-card berths is head-to-head record, and the second is total points scored. Here are the sixteen different playoff scenarios entering week 14:

Playoff seedings, scenario 1 (Sea Hogs over Smack Daddies, Corsairs over Green, Bakers over Animals, Black Dogs over Beelzebubba): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Corsairs (8-6) 4. Bakers (7-7).

Playoff seedings, scenario 2 (Sea Hogs over Smack Daddies, Green over Corsairs, Bakers over Animals, Black Dogs over Beelzebubba): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Corsairs (7-7) 4. Bakers (7-7).

Playoff seedings, scenario 3 (Smack Daddies over Sea Hogs, Corsairs over Green, Bakers over Animals, Black Dogs over Beelzebubbas): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Corsairs (8-6) 3. Smack Daddies (7-7) 4. Bakers (7-7) or Sea Hogs (7-7), depending on which team has scored the most total points after week 14. (Bakers lead the Hogs by 19.5 points going into the final weekend.)

Playoff seedings, scenario 4 (Smack Daddies over Sea Hogs, Green over Corsairs, Bakers over Animals, Black Dogs over Beelzebubbas): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Smack Daddies (7-7) 3. Corsairs (7-7) 4. Bakers (7-7) or Sea Hogs (7-7), depending on which team has scored the most total points after week 14.

Playoff seedings, scenario 5 (Sea Hogs over Smack Daddies, Corsairs over Green, Animals over Bakers, Black Dogs over Beelzebubbas): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Corsairs (8-6) 4. Animals (7-7).

Playoff seedings, scenario 6 (Sea Hogs over Smack Daddies, Green over Corsairs, Animals over Bakers,   Black Dogs over Beelzebubbas): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Corsairs (7-7) 4. Animals (7-7).

Playoff seedings, scenario 7 (Smack Daddies over Sea Hogs, Corsairs over Green, Animals over Bakers,  Black Dogs over Beelzebubbas): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Corsairs (8-6) 3. Animals (7-7) 4. Smack Daddies (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Sea Hogs would not make the playoffs due to losing both of their head-to-head matches with the Daddies.)

Playoff seedings, scenario 8 (Smack Daddies over Sea Hogs, Green over Corsairs, Animals over Bakers,  Black Dogs over Beelzebubbas): 1. Black Dogs (10-4) 2. Smack Daddies (7-7) 3. Corsairs (7-7) 4. Animals (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Sea Hogs would not make the playoffs due to losing both of their head-to-head matches with the Animals.)

Playoff seedings, scenario 9 (Sea Hogs over Daddies, Corsairs over Green, Bakers over Animals, Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Corsairs (8-6) 4. Bakers (7-7) or Beelzebubbas (7-7), depending on which team has the most total points after week 14. (Bakers lead the 'Bubbas by 58.9 points going into the final weekend.)

Playoff seedings, scenario 10 (Sea Hogs over Daddies, Green over Corsairs, Bakers over Animals, Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Beelzebubbas (7-7) 4. Corsairs (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Bakers would not make the playoffs due to losing both of their head-to-head matches with the Corsairs.)

Playoff seedings, scenario 11 (Daddies over Sea Hogs, Corsairs over Green, Bakers over Animals, Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Corsairs (8-6) 3. Sea Hogs (7-7) 4. Smack Daddies (7-7). (Despite also being 7-7 and having head-to-head records equal to the Daddies, the Bakers and 'Bubbas would not get the fourth seed and make the playoffs due to having scored fewer total points than the Daddies.)

Playoff seedings, scenario 12 (Daddies over Sea Hogs, Green over Corsairs, Bakers over Animals, Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Daddies (7-7) 3. Sea Hogs (7-7) 4. Beelzebubbas (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Bakers and Corsairs would not make the playoffs due to having worse head-to-head records between the three 7-7 teams vying for the fourth wild-card spot.)

Playoff seedings, scenario 13 (Sea Hogs over Daddies, Corsairs over Green, Animals over Bakers, Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Corsairs (8-6) 4. Beelzebubbas (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Animals would not make the playoffs due to losing both of their head-to-head matches with the 'Bubbas.)

Playoff seedings, scenario 14 (Sea Hogs over Daddies, Green over Corsairs, Animals over Bakers,   Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Sea Hogs (8-6) 3. Beelzebubbas (7-7) 4. Corsairs (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Animals would not make the playoffs due to losing both head-to-head matches with the Corsairs.)

Playoff seedings, scenario 15 (Daddies over Sea Hogs, Corsairs over Green, Animals over Bakers,  Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Corsairs (8-6) 3. Daddies (7-7) 4. Sea Hogs (7-7). (The head-to-head records among the four teams competing for the fourth wild-card spots are all equal, so the final spot will be decided by total points scored, which probably will leave the 7-7 'Bubbas and Animals on the outside looking in. The Sea Hogs lead the 'Bubbas by 39.4 points going into the final weekend and lead the Animals by 77.4 points.)

Playoff seedings, scenario 16 (Daddies over Sea Hogs, Green over Corsairs, Animals over Bakers,  Beelzebubbas over Black Dogs): 1. Black Dogs (9-5) 2. Daddies (7-7) 3. Beelzebubbas (7-7) 4. Corsairs (7-7). (Despite being 7-7, the Animals and the Sea Hogs would not make the playoffs due to having the worse head-to-head records between the three teams vying for the final wild-card spot.)

BACCHANAL HEADS TO GROOVY LONDON

Wings over London: Bacchanal 2016

By Man Ray Natural

The Mainline Dope

LONDON—In what is proving to be a season of strange parity in the NFFA — the entire league is separated by three games, top to bottom — the London Bakers find themselves in second place of the Jorge Division at 6-6, boasting a 3-1 record within the group. Yet, according to owner QCurl Sharif and coach Snoop Dogg, it is more about doing the right thing than winning a trophy.

"Of course, we want to hoist the ultimate prize here in Trafalgar Square," Sharif said in a rare London sit-down. "But, we moved here because it sends a signal to the new pending American administration. Trump had not been elected when we made the decision, but a night with my closest advisers, along with mushrooms, mescal, and a gentleman's touch of peyote, made it very clear we needed to leave.

"Snoop and I have often spoken about championships and what they would mean to the long-suffering Baker Nation, now a global entity, but we have always placed more emphasis here on championships of the heart. Hell, we may not even make the playoffs after the next two weeks unfold, but I feel that if we stand up to the president-elect — and commission some underground artwork of father-son-daughter-animal kingdom imbroglios — while bringing that NFFA money over here, well, it makes a strong statement. Things aren't perfect here, but I think most present at least believe in science."

As excitement builds for this year's Bacchanal, markedly pronounced since the West Nashville Beelzebubbas have ceded the home field in Nashville and traveled to London for the game, the sense in the old city is that something special is taking hold. The Bubbas made the call to travel to London for the match, and to show solidarity with the Bakers' anti-Trump stance. As an aside, there is rumor that Bakers consultant Sepp Blatter has made overtones to the commissioner about moving the entire league to Europe in 2017 until the hound is driven.

Last year's holiday classic between London (then 12th Avenue)  and West Nashville was almost abstract in its reporting. Arrest reports were not made public, and event and celebrity news was largely covered through a myriad of social media and fake news sources. There is no doubt, though, that the growing British fanbase is getting into the spirit of the rivalry.

"We are looking into a David Bowie tribute thing, possibly, and the Rolling Stones have confirmed," said XY Chrome, a London party fixture who has been hired by the Bakers to assist in event organizing. "But, primarily we want nudity of all kind. Spiritual and physical. We will cordon off Trafalgar Square beginning Friday night and prohibit clothing of any sort. We want to get back to the Bacchanal basics of love that drove this thing in the first place. Our own British Luckenbach, Texas, if you will. Though we don't want any rednecks — just red genitalia. Well, I guess that's a little limiting. We want a red smorgasbord of body parts.

"Of course, the Integrity Dinner will kick things off, and I understand Mr. Poroschenko has a chocolate creation that will speak to the downside of the new world populism sweeping the globe. Not to let the cat out of the bag, but I think it involves a bare-chested Vladimir Putin riding a certain president-elect bareback in dynamic composition. And, as always, it will be an entirely edible piece."

Officials have noted that kickoff Sunday should take place as the party rages, and the game is a complete sellout, even on such short notice. Ticketholders will be allowed certain special Bacchanal access zones following the game and 1,000 lucky fans will be randomly afforded a throwback Purple Owlsley acid trip by simply licking the back of the tickets, themselves. Everyone who licks the ticket will walk away with an indigo stain on the tongue, affording them access to the exclusive party zones. Additionally, three more lucky fans will be fatally poisoned by the ticket and their bodies paraded as part of the Bacchanal festivities.