By Man-Ray Natural
The Mainline Dope
NASHVILLE—In an ironic twist played out on the front steps of the Cherry Bomb Cafe, the longtime heartbeat for the London Bakers (orig. 12th Avenue Bakers) fanbase and primordial haunt of QCurl Sharif, the star-crossed owner called for "all true Bakers fans, and patriots of the Baker Nation," to march on the Tennessee state capitol Sunday.
Sharif believes the outcome of the Bakers loss in week 11 of the NFFA season to the Midtown Browns to be fraudulent. The final adjudication of the score appeared on Thanksgiving morning, to the chagrin of the streaking Bakers.
The irony can be found in the familiar ring to former U.S. president Donald J. Trump's call for his followers to march on the nation's capitol in protest of the 2020 election results he claimed to be invalid and rigged. Sharif uprooted the Bakers franchise in 2016 and moved to London in protest of Trump's election victory over Hillary Clinton.
"We refuse to accept the results," Sharif said. " … [I'm] asking all true Bakers fans to show up at the Bicentennial Mall on Sunday for what I'm calling the Bacchanal March on the Capitol. It’s gonna be wild!"
Sharif was flanked by Judge Naomi Morningstar, who was floated along with Merrick Garland, by former president Barack Obama to fill the vacant Supreme Court position held by the late Ruth Bader Ginsberg. The annual Bacchanal tilt between the Bakers and West Nashville Beelzebubbas is well-attended each year, and the crowd stretched from the front of the Cherry Bomb north along 12th Avenue to Edgehill Boulevard.
"This is one of the largest crowds I've ever seen," Sharif stated. "This may sound like the rant of a sore loser, but it's not — we have irrefutable proof that dead people scored for the Browns in that game. We are the hottest team in the league — you don't really believe we could lose to a team like that? Seriously. We were winning. Way up. A lead that's never been seen before. I woke up Thursday morning and some pencil-neck says the Browns won. It was stolen.
"Elias [Sports Bureau] has pulled this before on people. Good people. It's disgusting. I was with one of my lawyers and Naomi on a zoom call and we were treated so badly. The Elias representative was a very nasty woman."
As preparations were in full swing for the Bacchanal, Tennessee governor Bill Lee called in state troopers to disperse the crowd that by Saturday had swollen to include Bubbas and Bakers fans alike, and gathered in front of the main stage on the Capitol grounds.
The troopers were turned back by an especially fervent line of Bakers supporters known as the Short Mountain Fairies, a militant transgender group joined by traditional event security forces employed by both franchises.
The Bacchanal weekend each year, with events now held at multiple locales, rivals the NFFA championship game with music, nudity, and drug use. This year's legal wrangling over the outcome of the Bakers-Browns game will serve as a volatile undercurrent to the planned festivities now getting underway. The expectation that the game and culminating concert will move forward as planned were confirmed by both Sharif and Gen. G.W. Leonard.
"Lee will have to call in the National Guard if he wants to break those fairies," Leonard said from backstage at the mall's ampitheater. "And, I don't think that will do it, either. That's some hard-pipe shit out there."
Sharif, normally occupied with hosting duties and the Blessing of the Virgins ritual held beneath the Parthenon in Centennial Park, appeared agitated and incoherent when he retreated inside the Cherry Bomb. He appeared to kneel and kiss the hand of the statue of Artemis which greets guests inside the front entrance. Old photos of friends, NFFA owners, and celebrities still cover the walls inside the adjacent bar where die-hard Bakers patrons were gathered and drinking heavily.
"I think Q is lamenting the loss of the American dream," Morningstar said, as she changed into a British flag-themed Nudie suit in Sharif's private lounge and green room within the club. "I understand the Trump comparison in this heated moment, but believe me, he just wants fairness. The Integrity Dinner will be held as planned tonight. And, QCurl plans to touch on important points during his introduction — civil rights, voting rights, and pointedly, abortion rights. He is horrified at what has happened in his home state. In particular, he is incensed that the abortion clinic at the Cherry Bomb has been closed down."
