ONE FOR THE THUMB Smack Daddies, Black Dogs aim for fifth ring

Atlanta Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica hopes
to cap a historic season with a fifth NFFA title.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

The Atlanta Smack Daddies have already had a historic season and enter the postseason with their eyes on claiming another bit of history: one for the thumb. The Smack Daddies are currently tied with the East Nashville Black Dogs in that department; both franchises have four championship rings and both have a chance to win a fifth over the next two weekends. The Club Gitmo Sports Book is favoring Atlanta, however, an easy call when you consider the team's record-setting season.

Here's a recap of the Daddies historic accomplishments in the 2018 regular season:

• The team set a new NFFA single-season scoring mark, averaging 183.5 points per game, almost 24 points a game more than the next highest-scoring team, and besting the previous record of 180.3 pointer per game by the Downtown Corsairs, now known as the Pie Town Ballers, in 2014.

• The Smack Daddies obliterated the previous single-game scoring mark of 233.5 points set by the West Nashville Beelzebubbas in 2007 with 249.5 points in week seven.

• The Daddies also set a new league record for most 200-point games in the regular season with four; the previous record was two. In two of those 200-plus games, they outscored opponents who also topped 200 points.

• In addition, the team set a new franchise mark for the regular season with eleven wins  — the team had never won more than nine games in the regular season, a total they had reached four times (2005, 2006, 2010, and 2013).

• Atlanta also claimed its second Linardo division title in franchise history.

Other notes and milestones from around the league

• After opening the season with ten straight wins, the Village Green enter the playoffs on a four-game skid. It's worth noting their losing streak began with a loss to their opponent this weekend, the East Nashville Black Dogs.

• The Black Dogs claimed their thirteenth Jorge division title in sixteen seasons, and also extended their streak of non-losing seasons to fifteen. They are making their eighth-straight appearance in the championship round of the playoffs, a league-record they share with the Ballers. Like the Daddies, the Dogs are trying to win a fifth NFFA ring.

• For the first time since moving to London, the Bakers missed the playoffs. Speaking off the record, a team official blamed the team's disappointing season on “[expletive] Brexit.”

• Remember when the Cambridge Animals won the championship back in 2015 under the direction of wunderkind GM Wilder the Animal? Well since WTA's season of glory, the team has gone 6-8 in three consecutive years. This has prompted Animals fans to put up billboards in Cambridge that read, "WTA, WTF?" and "Time for ZTA," a reference to team owner Dave the Animal's youngest son, Zuma the Animal.

• Not having a reliable quarterback haunted the South Franklin Independents all season long, but that appears to be a problem the team can put behind them after they won the first pick in the 2019 draft by finishing with the league's worst record, 4-10. The Indies will be able to choose between Drew Brees, Philip Rivers, and several other top-tier signal callers.

• And finally, the curse of the champion remained undefeated as the defending champions from West Nashville finished 5-9 and missed the championship round of the playoffs. 18-0, baby. There has never been a repeat champion in the league's 18-year history.

WHO'S YOUR DADDY? Smack Daddies can set new scoring mark, clinch division title this weekend

With a bazooka right arm, quarterback Patrick Mahomes has led the Atlanta Smack Daddies to the brink of a record-setting season and a division title.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

With one week to play in the 2018 regular season, the Atlanta Smack Daddies are on the brink of setting a new season scoring record. They enter the final week of play averaging 181.8 points per game and can break the old record of 180.3 points per game set in 2014 by the Downtown Corsairs, now known as the Pie Town Ballers, by tallying at least 161 points in their season finale.

Currently tied atop the Linardo division with the Village Green, the Daddies can also clinch the division title with a win this weekend over the South Franklin Independents, regardless of the outcome of the Green's contest with the Ballers. All three teams have already clinched berths in the playoffs. The Ballers will be the four seed and will play the division winner in the first round of the playoffs. Whichever team finishes second will be the three seed and face the East Nashville Black Dogs, who clinched the Jorge division title for the thirteenth time in sixteen seasons with their win over the Cambridge Animals last weekend, which ensured the team's fifteenth consecutive season without a losing record. The Black Dogs have had only one losing season in team history, a 5-9 finish in 2004.

The Smack Daddies have already set several scoring records this season: They obliterated the single-game scoring mark of 233.5 set by the West Nashville Beelzebubbas in 2007 with 249.5 points in week eleven against the London Bakers. That same week, they tied their own record as the only team to score more than 200 points in back-to-back weeks and became the first team to top 200 points three times in a regular season. (In 2015, the Smack Daddies scored more than 200 points three times, but the third time was during the playoffs.) To make their offensive display this season even more impressive, the Daddies twice beat teams (Black Dogs, Bakers) who also topped 200 points.

The Black Dogs have the most 200-point games in league history with eleven, followed by the Daddies with eight, the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs with seven, the Animals with five, the Bakers and Ballers with four each, the Beelzebubbas and Green with two apiece, and the Independents with one.

The following is a breakdown of all the 200-point games in NFFA history.

Chart 1: 200-Point Club By Year

2005 (2)

• East Nashville Black Dogs, 215 points (2005, week 3 vs. Alamo Scouts)

• East Nashville Black Dogs, 201 points (2005, week 6 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)

2006 (1)

• East Nashville Black Dogs, 231 points (2006, week 10 vs. Alamo Scouts)

2007 (7)

• West Nashville Beelzebubbas, 233.5 points (2007, week 2 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)

• 12th Avenue Bakers, 227 points (2007, week 9 vs. Alamo Scouts)

• Midtown Mojo, 217.5 points (2007, week 7 vs. Alamo Scouts)

• East Nashville Black Dogs, 215 points (2007, week 6 vs. Cambridge Animals)

• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 214.5 points (2007, week 12 vs. Alamo Scouts)

• East Nashville Black Dogs, 207 points (2007, week 4 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)

• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 205 points (2007, week 7 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)

2008 (1)

• Cambridge Animals, 231.5 points (2008, week 10 vs. Midtown Mojo)

2009 (1)

• East Nashville Black Dogs, 205 points (2009, week 5 vs. Cambridge Animals)

2010 (2)

• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 220.5 (2010, week 4 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)

• Midtown Mojo, 218.5 points (2010, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)

2011 (4)

• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 208.5 points (2011, week 2 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)

• East Nashville Black Dogs, 207 points (2011, week 15 vs. Downtown Corsairs)

• Atlanta Smack Daddies, 204.5 points (2011, week 15 vs. The Village Green)

• 12th Avenue Bakers, 200 points (2011, week 2 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)

2012 (1)

• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 204 points (2012, week 3 vs. Cambridge Animals)

2013 (4)

• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 212 points (2013, week 13 vs. The Village Green)

• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 208 points (2013, week 14 vs. Downtown Corsairs)

• Cambridge Animals, 206 points (2013, week 13 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)

• Atlanta Smack Daddies, 201 points (2013, week 4 vs. Cambridge Animals)

2014 (7)

• Cambridge Animals, 225.8 (2014, week 8 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)

• East Nashville Black Dogs, 224.7 (2014, week 8 vs. The Village Green)

• East Nashville Black Dogs, 211.1 points (2014, week 4 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs.

• The Village Green, 209 points (2013, week 2 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)

• Downtown Corsairs, 208.8 (2014, week 13 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies

• Cambridge Animals, 200.9 (2014, week 13 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)

• Downtown Corsairs, 200.1 (2014, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)

2015 (6)

• Atlanta Smack Daddies, 226.2 (2015, week 15 vs. The Village Green)

• 12th Avenue Bakers, 217.9 points (2015, week 15 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)

• East Nashville Black Dogs, 214.8 points (2015, week 3 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)

• Cambridge Animals, 203 points (2015, week 6 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)

• Atlanta Smack Daddies, 202.6 (2015, week 3 vs. East Nashville BlackDogs)

• Atlanta Smack Daddies, 201.9 points (2015, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)

2016 (1)

• The Village Green, 209.7 points (2016, week 12 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)

2017 (1)

• West Nashville Beelzebubbas, 208.9 points (2017, week 7 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)

2018 (6)

• Atlanta Smack Daddies, 213.3 points (2018, week 1 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)

• East Nashville Black Dogs, 206.8 points (2018, week 1 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)

• South Franklin Independents, 201.3 points (2018, week 4 vs. Cambridge Animals)

• Atlanta Smack Daddies, 213.2 points (2018, week 10 vs. West Nashville Beelzebubbas)

• Atlanta Smack Daddies, 249.5 points (2018, week 11 vs. London Bakers)

• London Bakers, 203.3 points (2018, week 11 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)

Chart 2: NFFA 200-Point Club

1. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 249.5 points (2018, week 11 vs. London Bakers)

2. West Nashville Beelzebubbas, 233.5 points (2007, week 2 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)

3. Cambridge Animals, 231.5 points (2008, week 10 vs. Midtown Mojo)

4. East Nashville Black Dogs, 231 points (2006, week 10 vs. Alamo Scouts)

5. 12th Avenue Bakers, 227 points (2007, week 9 vs. Alamo Scouts)

6. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 226.2 (2015, week 15 vs. The Village Green)

7. Cambridge Animals, 225.8 (2014, week 8 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)

8. East Nashville Black Dogs, 224.7 (2014, week 8 vs. The Village Green) 

9. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 220.5 (2010, week 4 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)

10. Midtown Mojo, 218.5 points (2010, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)

11. 12th Avenue Bakers, 217.9 points (2015, week 15 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)

12. Midtown Mojo, 217.5 points (2007, week 7 vs. Alamo Scouts)

13a. East Nashville Black Dogs, 215 points (2005, week 3 vs. Alamo Scouts)

13b. East Nashville Black Dogs, 215 points (2007, week 6 vs. Cambridge Animals)

15. East Nashville Black Dogs, 214.8 points (2015, week 3 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)

16. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 214.5 points (2007, week 12 vs. Alamo Scouts)

17. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 213.3 points (week 1 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)

18. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 213.2 points (week 10 vs. West Nashville Beelzebubbas)

19. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 212 points (2013, week 13 vs. The Village Green)

20. East Nashville Black Dogs, 211.1 points (2014, week 4 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)

21. The Village Green, 209.7 points (2016, week 12 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)

22. The Village Green, 209 points (2013, week 2 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)

23. West Nashville Beelzebubbas, 208.9 points (2017, week 7 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)

24. Downtown Corsairs, 208.8 (2014, week 13 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies

25. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 208.5 points (2011, week 2 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)

26. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 208 points (2013, week 14 vs. Downtown Corsairs)

27a. East Nashville Black Dogs, 207 points (2007, week 4 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)

27b. East Nashville Black Dogs, 207 points (2011, week 15 vs. Downtown Corsairs)

29. East Nashville Black Dogs, 206.8 points (2018, week 1 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)

30. Cambridge Animals, 206 points (2013, week 13 vs. Black Dogs)

31a. East Nashville Black Dogs, 205 points (2009, week 5 vs. Cambridge Animals)

31b. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 205 points (2007, week 7 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)

33. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 204.5 points (2011, week 15 vs. The Village Green)

34. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 204 points (2012, week 3 vs. Cambridge Animals)

35. London Bakers, 203.3 points (week 11 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)

36. Cambridge Animals, 203 points (2015, week 6 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)

37. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 202.6 (2015, week 3 vs. East Nashville BlackDogs)

38. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 201.9 points (2015, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)

39. South Franklin Independents, 201.3 points (Week 4 vs. Cambridge Animals)

40a. East Nashville Black Dogs, 201 points (2005, week 6 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)

40b. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 201 points (2013, week 4 vs. Cambridge Animals)

42. Cambridge Animals, 200.9 (2014, week 13 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)

43. Downtown Corsairs, 200.1 (2014, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)

44. 12th Avenue Bakers, 200 points (2011, week 2 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)

CORKS A POPPIN' Their legacy preserved, the undefeated 2008 Black Dogs celebrate Green's first loss of the season

Brian Urlacher was one of the undefeated 2008 Black Dogs who celebrated last night at Vanderbilt hospital following the Dogs win over the Green. (FILE PHOTO)

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

Members of the 2008 East Nashville Black Dogs gathered in team owner Bill Money's private room at Vanderbilt hospital last night not only to continue their vigil for Money, who remained in a coma since being shot back in September, but also to watch the finale of the current team's game against the 10-0 Village Green.

Of course, the 2008 Black Dogs are the only team in the league's 17-year history to go undefeated for an entire season, and every year, they gather to celebrate when the final undefeated team suffers its first loss. It's a ritual, and one they had to delay this season longer than they like, according to Brian Urlacher who starred at linebacker for that undefeated team.  

“I admit we were starting to get a little nervous,” Urlacher told the AWP. “The Green have been so damn lucky, we were wondering if they might go all the way. So Frank (Gore) called up Coach Lynch and told him the Dogs need to take care of this [expletive] themselves.”

And that's exactly what the Black Dogs did, holding off the Green 176.3-171 in a thrilling contest that went down to the wire. The 2008 Black Dogs, a group that included Frank Gore, Tony Romo, Patrick Willis, Maurice Jones-Drew, Jared Allen, Chris Johnson, and Coach Jim McMahon, watched anxiously as the Green pulled close as the game wound down. When the final horn sounded, those gathered in Money's hospital room cheered loudly and began popping the corks on the two cases of Dom Perignon champagne they had on ice.

Then something miraculous happened: Money woke up from his coma. He opened his eyes, sat up in bed, and said in a croaky voice, “What's going on?”

The players turned and looked at the owner in shock. Willis said, “What the [expletive]?” McMahon said, “I'll be damned.” Romo buzzed for the nurse, who soon joined them. Before it was all said and done, Dr. Lionel Godwin, who performed the life-saving surgery on Money after he was shot by “Little Tussie” Crenshaw, had joined the celebration.

Godwin speculated Money had been so traumatized by the attempt on his life that he retreated deep into his subconscious, but “when he heard the corks popping, he associated that with something of such tremendous joy, he overcame his fear and rejoined the conscious world.”

After Godwin explained to Money why he was in the hospital and that he had been in a coma for more than two months, the Black Dogs owner said, “The current team is in our usual place atop the division, and the 2008 Black Dogs are still the only undefeated team in league history. What can I say, it's like I never left.”

BEWARE THE AWESOME AWESOMENESS

Cambridge owner DTA addressed the media outside the NFFA Tower earlier today.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Leon Sphinx

Cambridge Animals Media Relations

The Cambridge Animals called an impromptu press conference this morning shortly after learning they had won a game they thought they had lost. When the stat corrections came in from Elias Sports Bureau late last night, the outcome of the Animals game in Atlanta against the Smack Daddies had been flipped from a 156.9-155.2 loss to a 157.3-156.3 victory.

Speaking outside the NFFA high-rise headquarters in downtown Nashvegas this morning, after allowing the news media and Lex Dominica to rise from their knees, Cambridge owner, DTA, declared: “As the only undefeated team that matters, we’d like to officially deny allegations that last night at Club Gitmo WTA dragged Commissioner McMahon into a bedroom, attempted to unclothe him, held a hand over his mouth, and groped his ample package in order to extort points from the league to ensure an Animals victory. 

DTA, whose team is in town to face the Village Green, continued, “Nothing could be further from the truth, and it’s ridiculous to think the public would believe such allegations about something that happened so long ago. Do you remember what happened to you last night? I don’t think so. And if you do, it’s likely the projection of some bizarre childhood farm trauma, not something that actually happened. That’s just how time and memory function. And it just seems very convenient that these allegations arise now.”

Animals’ attorney Saul Goodman said that the team was now dropping its suit charging that Lex Dominica and his minions illegally compressed time during the second half of their match-up last Sunday. While it’s well-known that Dominica has been experimenting with both time compression and time expansion, until Sunday night, it wasn’t clear if those experiments had been successful.However, scientific tests have now shown that the fourth quarter of Monday night’s game lasted only six minutes and thirty-four seconds in human time; as a result, Animals’ RB Jordon Howard was limited to less than 9 points, apparently securing a victory for the Smack Daddies.

“Dominica is a genius,” Goodman said, “and his ability to disguise himself as an idiot is just another aspect of his greatness, but we must hold fast to the sacred rules of this league that ensure fairness to almost every team. However, we believe that calling attention to his brilliant, albeit illegal, actions is punishment enough—that and the humiliation of defeat. Therefore, we’re dropping our charges.”

Breaking news MONEY SLIPS INTO COMA Prospects worsen for Black Dogs owner

Former NFFA commissioner Bill Money remains hospitalized in the intensive care unit at Vanderbilt Medical Center following an attempt on his life Friday evening.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

U.S. Senate candidate and East Nashville Black Dogs owner Bill Money, who was the victim of an assassination attempt last Friday evening in Livingston, Tennessee, slipped into a coma late last night after learning his team had lost to the Pie Town Ballers.

According to Dr. Lionel Godwin who performed life-saving surgery on Money early Saturday morning, the prospects for the former NFFA commissioner are growing worse with each passing day. “I think losing to the Ballers was just too much for Mr. Money,” Godwin said. “To be honest, it was surprising he lived through the surgery, considering how severe his wounds were. Not many people survive being shot in the heart multiple times at pointblank range. His will to survive is probably the only thing keeping him alive.” 

According to the candidate’s daughter Cassandra “Cash” Money, London Bakers owner QCurl Sharif, who has been recovering from an attempt on his own life, arrived at Vanderbilt Medical Center midmorning and has been at her father’s bedside ever since. “QCurl is the coma whisperer, you know,” she said late this afternoon by cell phone.

In another development, authorities have identified the shooter as "Little Tussie" Crenshaw. Crenshaw, who escaped in the chaos immediately after the shooting, is the subject of a massive, multi-state manhunt being coordinated by the FBI. An all-points bulletin released earlier today describes Little Tussie as a 50-year-old, petite white woman, approximately 5 feet tall, with brown eyes and brunette hair styled in a pixie cut. She is considered armed and dangerous. 

According to Livingston police chief Bubba Johnson, Crenshaw has a criminal record, but “nothing serious.” Speaking at a press conference on the steps of the Overton County Courthouse this morning, Johnson said Crenshaw was arrested in the spring of 2016 on three counts of petty theft. “Little Tussie was arrested for stealing some Bernie Sanders yard signs from the lawns of three of Sanders’ local supporters in May of 2016,” he said. “She was sentenced to a year's probation and had to pay for the replacement of the yard signs.” 

Regarding Crenshaw’s motive for shooting Money, Johnson said it was unclear if the assassination attempt was due to Money's close relationship with the Vermont senator or something else.

Captain Victor Washington of the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation, who was also at the press conference, said the TBI has set up a special tip line for anyone with information about Crenshaw. ‘We ask anyone who sees Little Tussy to call 800-LILTUSS. That's 8-0-0-L-I-L-T-U-S-S. If you see Little Tussie, call the tip line and do not engage with her under any circumstances. There is no telling what she might do.” 

Livingston resident Durwood Wilson, who went to high school with the shooter, told WKRN, “Little Tussie has always been a little crazy, if you know what I mean, but I never thought she would get violent — she’s so small.” Wilson paused in thought, then added, “You think you know someone, but you never really do for sure.”

More on this story as it develops.

Breaking news BILL MONEY SHOT Black Dogs owner clinging to life after assassination attempt in Livingston

After an Overton County ambulance transported Bill Money to the Livingston Regional Hospital, he was airlifted by helicopter to Vanderbilt Hospital in Nashville.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Bill Money, East Nashville Black Dogs owner and independent candidate for U.S. Senate in Tennessee, was shot and critically wounded last night while campaigning in the city of Livingston located in Overton County in the Upper Cumberland region of the state.

According to Livingston police chief Bubba Johnson, Money was shaking hands and working the crowd near the concessions stand at halftime of the Livingston Academy-Smith County high school football game Friday night when a small woman with dark hair approached him and shot him multiple times pointblank in the chest with a handgun. Witnesses said the woman yelled, "This is for Hillary," prior to firing three shots at the candidate. The shooter escaped in the ensuing chaos. 

As is always the case with high school football games, emergency medical personnel were on hand and able to rush Money to Livingston Regional Hospital where a helicopter awaited to airlift him to Vanderbilt Hospital in Nashville. At Vanderbilt shortly after midnight, Doctor Lionel Godwin performed life-saving surgery on the former NFFA commissioner. When reached this afternoon, Godwin said Money has only a 50-50 chance of survival and might not make it through the weekend.

Money's daughters, Cash and Mo, and Black Dogs player-coach Marshawn Lynch were waiting at the hospital when Money was brought in. Lynch said Money spoke to him briefly on his way into the operating room. "Bill squeezed my hand and whispered 'No matter what happens to me, beat the Ballers,'" Lynch told AWP. "And that's what we gotta do; we gotta run through through some Pie Town muthafucka's face for Bill."

When reached for comment, Money campaign manager F.G. Handy said he had "no idea" what the shooter meant when she yelled, "This is for Hillary." Continuing Handy said "We're all praying for Bill to pull through. He's a fighter, as anyone who really knows him will tell you, so my money's on Money."

The AWP will have more on this story as it develops.

FIVE TAKEAWAYS FROM WEEK ONE

Beyoncé's coaching career started with a big L.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Week one of the the 2018 NFFA season is in the books and here are five things we observed:

1. Early faves all lose: The top four teams in Club Gitmo Sports Book's 2018 championship odds are took the L on opening weekend. South Franklin (6-1 odds) looked like a team in disarray in their 24.7-point loss to West Nashville. New coach Beyoncé may know how to line up a hot set, but she's not so hot at setting a lineup. If she had played keeper QB Russell Wilson and RB Deon Lewis, the Independents would have claimed their first win in franchise history. Instead she went with the Motor City pickmeister and Denver's Devontae, who may have been more than a mile high with only 15 total yards, and barely broke the 100-point marks a team. London (8-1) got only 67.1 points out of their entire offense in a 28.3-point loss to the Village. East Nashville and Pie Town (both 7-1) also lost, but in far less worrisome a fashion, losing tight contests that went down to the wire.

2. Something's up with the Animals: Those paying close attention may have noticed Cambridge Animals owner Dave the Animal made a slick trade for WR Keenan Allen during the predraft trading period, ran his team's successful draft, set his week one lineup with an active kicker, dropped a story slamming Mojo D, and won his opening game against Mojo D's Ballers. Yesterday he left a message for Bill Money that said in part, "I'm victorious, and you're not." All this adds up to one thing: DTA is back! After years of delegating control of the team to his son, GM Wilder the Animal, who is said to be "busy," the notorious league cofounder is back in the saddle. It's almost as if DTA is traveling backwards in time from the future and knows something. When asked by AWP if that is true, he replied, "Maybe."

3. Don't sleep on the Green: Barring QB A-Aron Rodgers missing any significant time with the injury to his knee, the Green appear to have one of the better offenses, and so far, Stuart Smalley looks like a genius for drafting Khalil Mack. And co-owner Dave Goodrow has been especially active in the free agent marketplace. Plus, in an especially scary development for the rest of the league, the Green did not have to be reminded to set their lineup in week one and have already set their lineup for week two. An engaged Green is a dangerous Green.

4. Daddies-Dogs, Part 1: New scoring record for combined points: Atlanta (213.3) and East Nashville (206.8) combined for 420.1 points in week one, which is the most combined points in NFFA history. Interestingly, the previous record of 417.4 combined points was held by the same two teams from a game in 2015 which the Black Dogs won 214.8-202.6. So the Smack Daddies' win in last weekend's shootout was a bit of payback. There has been one other game in league history in which both teams scored more than 200 points, a contest from 2011 in which the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs defeated the then 12th Avenue Bakers, 208.5-200.

5. Daddies-Dogs, Part 2: 200-point club: With the 200-plus points the Smack Daddies and Black Dogs each put up last weekend, it brings the total of 200-point games in league history to 41. The Black Dogs, who first broke the 200-point mark in 2005 — twice, lead all teams in 200+ games with 11. The Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs are next with seven 200+ scores during their 15 years in the league, followed by the Daddies with six, the Animals with five, the Bakers and Ballers with four each, and the West Nashville Beelzebubbas and Village Green with two 200+ games apiece. The Beelzebubbas hold the record for most points scored in a game with 233.5.

TRUMP: 'MAKE AMERICA GREEN AGAIN' The president celebrates win over London

Vandalism or Village Green fanaticism? 

By Suzy Creamcheese

United Web Press International

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Beaming from a walkover win over the London Bakers, Village Green co-owner Donald Trump tweeted, "Make America Green again!" from his West Wing residence early Tuesday morning.

"The team wasn't at its best," stated head coach Stuart Smalley, "but we were good enough, smart enough, and god doggit, we won!"  

"Mark my words — we will win the Linardo Division this year" Trump tweeted an hour later.  "Our dominance in the league will leave the country green."  

Early morning photos of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue had indeed shown the president's commitment to his word. "We will not tolerate this act of vandalism on our country's most famed-building," Smalley said in an early morning presser. Normally soft-spoken, Smalley continued, "Someone in senior administration did this, and I want him to take a lie-detector test!"

When reached for comment, Sarah Huckabee Sanders stated "The President is currently having Executive Time and is not available for comment" 

ANIMALS DECLARE WEEK ONE VICTORY DTA calls for Ballers RB Kerryon Johnson to be suspended

DTA wants Ballers running back Kerryon Johnson to be suspended before MNF.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Leon Sphinx
Cambridge Animals Media Relations

Following news reports of Boston Celtic Jabari Bird’s arrest for kidnapping, strangling, and otherwise abusing his spouse, Ballers RB Kerryon Johnson, Cambridge Animals owner Dave the Animal has called for Johnson to be suspended for violating the NFFA’s tough No-Victim No-Way policy. According to DTA, with Johnson's suspension, the Animals will win this weekend's game against the Ballers by no less than 152.5-151.2. 

The fact that Johnson was hospitalized led DTA to ask NFFA Commissioner Jim McMahon to levy the strongest penalty against him. “The NFFA stands by its policy of zero-tolerance for domestic abuse victims," DTA said. "We regret that the Pie Ballers must pay the price for their player’s victimization, but until the wall is finally built, I’m afraid there’s no other way to ensure that no victims or alleged victims ever touch the sacred turf of our league.” 

Lord Garmadon, rumored DTA consort and Lego antagonist, issued a statement suggesting that while the Animals regret winning this way, “until there’s a Lego wall built between every player and he/she/its spouse, there will simply be no end of victims coming into our league because domestic abuse victims are a problem that rules alone—even drastic ones—cannot solve.” 

BEY TAKES OVER New SF coach says, ‘Times up, boys!’

After being formally introduced as the Independents' head coach, Beyoncé rode off with owner Suzy Fine to oversee the team's preseason draft.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

If the newest ownership group in the NFFA wanted to make a statement to the rest of the league, it wasted little time. Less than an hour before the annual preseason draft began, the South Franklin Independents announced their new coach with just one word: Beyoncé.

And they did it in a style not quite evident before in a league where style points count.

A brief, social media-driven campaign invited Independent fans and members of the press to Harlinsdale Farm for “a big kickoff announcement” last night. But there was little clue as to what would follow. At 6:30 sharp, with several thousand fans gathered near a large barn in front of a hastily assembled stage, team owner Suzy Fine rode up on a black horse, dismounted, and welcomed the crowd.

“Look up!” Fine said. “We’re about to tear the roof off this league! I want you to meet our new head coach!”

At that moment, fans saw a gold helicopter heading their way. The chopper touched down in the field behind the barn, out of fans’ view. A few seconds later, Beyoncé emerged from the barn, followed by a phalanx of 12 Tennessee Walking Horses with female riders in matching outfits. Remaining in formation, the horses moved choreographically behind her as Beyoncé performed “Run the World,” a 2013 hit about female domination.

The crowd, stunned at first, broke into sustained cheers as the song ended and Beyoncé took the stage to speak. “Hello, South Franklin!” she yelled. “Are y’all ready to run the world?”

As the crowd cheered again, Beyoncé continued, “I’m a football fan, but I wouldn’t agree to coach just any football team. But when Ms. Fine called me about this opportunity, in the greatest fantasy sports league of all time, I was in. Now we’re here to tell the rest of the NFFA: ‘Times up, boys!’ And now we’re going to work!”

As Beyoncé and Fine left the stage together and rode off on horseback, huge banners were unfurled with the team’s logo, which prominently featured Midnight Sun, the famous walking horse who sired 2,600 foals. One banner included the slogan, “Who’s Your Daddy?” while the other read “Run the World.” 

As fans left, each received a swag package that included a “Who’s Your Daddy?” Independents licensed t-shirt, car flag and window decal. A flyer inside the gift bag noted that, in 65 of the past 69 years, the Tennessee Walking Horse World Champion had carried Midnight Sun’s bloodline. In case fans missed the point, in 64-point type at the bottom of the page were the words: Independents: Total Domination Is in Our Blood.”

Even before the announcement a few minutes later that ground would be broken near the site for a new stadium to be known as the Beyhive at Harlinsdale Farm, observers across the league were abuzz. “The NFFA is no stranger to larger-than-life figures,” said reporter Woody Larry. “But there’s never been a figure here like Beyoncé. I saw her show at Coachella. Beyoncé doesn’t just contend. Beyoncé crushes.”