Thursday, November 1, 2007

THREE MEN STILL LISTED AS MISSING

Furious George, shown here backstage at a past Bacchanal Europe celebration, has
arrived in Nashville to aid in the investigation of the two Baker-related fires.


THREE MEN STILL LISTED AS MISSING

Branding ritual possible clue in fires

By D.David Halberstam, BTG Times

NASHVILLE — As the investigation into two horrific early-morning fires that destroyed the infamous Cherry Bomb CafĂ© and the Hohenwald farm owned by 12th Avenue Bakers honcho GQ Denney continues, information is slowly coming forward. And the picture of a distraught and diseased man is emerging. The picture of a man with an apparent predilection for living, eating and sleeping with chimpanzees, a man with various addictions and great appetites. But, as Furious George — the cousin of the late Baker mascot Mr. TD — has pointed out to the media, Denney is a man with a heart as big as Africa.

What authorities now want to know is if that heart is as dark as the Dark Continent itself. Denney, Black Dogs star Devin Hester, and the suspended Marvin Harrison are missing as a result of the two fires, though no bodies have been recovered. Reportedly, a melancholy Denney attempted to party with the two players, new Baker head coach Pacman Jones and several unidentified women following the Bakers loss to the Mojo Monday night. No one saw the men leave although a witness has come forward in Hohenwald that claims she danced for the men around 3 a.m. in the infamous re-animation laboratory. She is being held in protective custody and unavailable to the press.

According to Bakers PR maven Faith Popcorn, the three were most likely involved in one of Denney’s signature “branding” ceremonies that involves hot irons and yojimbe. There has been some speculation that the fire there may have been started in such a manner with the three incapacitated from the yojimbe and unable to keep it from spreading. Other speculation has focused on insurance fraud and an astronomical bet the owner had lost. It is now being reported that the bet would have been forgiven.

“My cousin has shown me photographs from one of these branding ceremonies,” said Furious George through a translator. “They were quite graphic, but as we say in France ‘how can you understand a man until you have seen him naked and in great pain.’ I will not judge him if this is how he dies. My fear is that there are outside forces at work here who would like to see harm come to him. The other two gentlemen may have simply been in the wrong place at the wrong time, and of course, unable to move.”

Police are also checking in to unsubstantiated reports that Hester and Harrison have been seen after the fire fueling Denney’s paisley Hummer at a backwoods Lewis County market. It has also been noted that an underground tunnel between Denney’s farm and The Farm in Summertown, founded by Stephen Gaskin, may have existed in the early 1970s.

“We’re being methodical with this,” said an ATF investigator who preferred anonymity. “We’ll find ‘em dead or alive … but one fact will remain unchanged — the Bakers still suck.”