MCMAHON: 'WE'RE THE UNDERDOGS'

Questions about inflammatory remarks by Black Dogs GM Buddy
dominated Coach Jim McMahon's weekly media conference.


MCMAHON: 'WE'RE THE UNDERDOGS'
But oddsmakers favor Black Dogs by 14

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

With his tongue firmly in cheek, East Nashville coach Jim McMahon declared his undefeated Black Dogs team "the underdogs" in their title game with the Beelzebubbas from West Nashville, to be played this weekend at the Dog House.

"No, joking, we're the underdogs," McMahon said jokingly this afternoon at his weekly media conference held at fooBar on Gallatin Avenue. "Not only are we going against a franchise that already has one championship ring, but against a team that is making its second straight trip to the title game.

"And we haven't forgotten that [Boyd] X. [Biggs] and the 'Bubbas dashed our title hopes last season."

Warming to the topic, the coach continued. "And of course, the godfather of the NFFA, Jorge Linardo, is pulling out all the stops for the 'Bubbas. Hell, they've even got the president coming in as their guest.

"So over here in the East Nasty, we feel it's the same ole [expletive]. The Black Dogs are getting no respect."

Asked by one reporter if he was referring to the selection of 12th Avenue Bakers coach Snoop Dogg — who had six fewer wins in the regular season — as NFFA coach of the year by the league's coaches, McMahon responded with a terse "no comment."

When pressed on the subject by Joe Biddle, he said, "You know, Joe the Bummer, neither I nor my team give a rats' ass about awards. We've got one thing on our minds, and only one thing — getting another ring, getting some more championship hardware for the trophy case."

Undeterred, Biddle asked McMahon about inflammatory and accusatory comments made by Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan about Snoop Dogg's selection in an exclusive story published earlier today by the AWP.

"Well, Buddy tries to look out for his boys, and I'm one of his boys," he said. "Beyond that, you'll have to speak with Buddy about it. I don't have a beef with Snoop or QCurl [Sharif] — without question, they have led the Bakers to heights that franchise has never experienced, at least not without chemicals. For that, they are to be congratulated. I wish them luck in their contest for third place.

"But Buddy was right about one thing: This week is about East side versus West side. So to my friend, Boyd X., I say, 'Hoc est bellum. Cave canes pugnaces.'"

Returning to Ryan's remarks, Fantasy Sports News correspondent Arial Mutha-Tafoya asked McMahon if he thought his chances of being selected coach of the year would have been better had his name been Jizzle McMizzle. "It was Jizzle McMizzle," he deadpanned. "But I changed it because it didn't sound gay enough."

Then signaling the end of the conference in his usual manner, McMahon went to the bar and took a sip of the Morning Glory™ margarita awaiting him there.

SNOOP DOGG VOTED COACH OF THE YEAR

League owners voted Bakers coach Snoop Dogg
the 2008 NFFA coach of the year.

SNOOP DOGG VOTED
COACH OF THE YEAR
Edges McMahon, Dominica

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

12th Avenue Bakers coach Snoop Dogg was voted 2008 NFFA coach of the year in balloting by the league owners.

Of the four coaches in the running for the award, Snoop garnered three votes, compared to two apiece for East Nashville coach Jim McMahon and Atlanta Smack Daddies coach Lex Dominica. West Nashville Beelzebubbas coach Boyd X. Biggs received no votes.

"It's humbling, and means more to me than any of those goddamn Grammys, for shizzle," Snoop said by cell phone from Miami. "Champagne and blunts on me."

Cambridge owner Dave the Animal did not participate in the voting, saying he thought it was a prank when he received the notice about the balloting. "I thought [NFFA commissioner William D.] Money was pranking me 'cause I knew I was already coach of the year," he explained. "I saw it on the NFFA website," referring to the league coaching efficiency rankings.

As both owner and coach of the Beelzebubbas, Biggs could have voted for himself, but instead he helped his rival win the award. "I voted for Snoop Dogg," he said by phone yesterday. Mojo D, owner of the Midtown Mojo franchise, also acknowledged voting for the coach of the 12th Avenue team. Assuming his owner, QCurl Sharif, voted for him, it would seem Snoop won with a bloc of votes from teams based on the West side of the Cumberland River.

An obviously angry East Nashville GM Buddy Ryan called the voting "a popularity contest" and said "anyone in their right mind" knows who the real coach of the year is. "It's a Dog, all right, but not one named Snoop. 15 and [expletive] 0; 21 straight, regular-season wins. What the [expletive]? No, seriously, what the [expletive]? Maybe if Jim's name was Jizzle McMizzle he could get the mother-[expletive] respect he deserves.

"And now we learn that this [expletive] is some mother-[expletive] East side-West side thing," Ryan continued. "Well this weekend at the Dog House, the best the mother-[expletive] West side has to offer is going to get their payback for disrespecting the East Nasty."

MIDTOWN MOJO INTRODUCE BARKLEY AS NEW COACH

Mojo coach Charles Barkley sounds off about the Sea Hogs

MIDTOWN MOJO INTRODUCE
BARKLEY AS NEW COACH

by Soren Bernyn, Fantasy Sports Network

In what would appear to be a meaningless game to the rest of the world, the Midtown Mojo introduced NBA All-Star Charles Barkley as the team's coach for the final game of the season. At the happy hour/media opportunity staged at Cabana in Hillsboro Village, Owner Mojo D said "this game has gone from a race to to the bottom to a chance at redemption — a chance to crush and humiliate Triki Bobber, whom I shall henceforth refer to only as 'Bob Hitler.'

"To make that happen, I have enlisted the service of the Round Mound of Rebound — Sir Charles Barkley, his badass [expletive]ing self!" Amid strobe lights and fog, Barkley stood up, pointed into the cameras and stated emphatically: "It is my mission to stamp out all racism in sports; they dissed me at Auburn, so when Mojo D called to say he needed a way to crush Hitler, I said 'Hell, yeah — I'm in!' I have one plan — to whip my niggas into a frenzy so that they will stop at nothing short of the complete devastation of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs."

The Sea Hogs are especially hated in Midtown because they — in the words of one Mojo supporter — "are just not from around here." And Midtown loves any excuse to take to the streets, so there is a lot of interest in the game. The local Mediterannean restaurants have even collaborated on a dish that is all the rage this week: Bobber Ghanoush, which is smoked eggplant with crushed lamb testicles.

Questioned about the dish, Mojo D said, "It's delicious — we've had it on the training table all week. Part of what makes it so good is that it's prepared with help from other teams in the league — the testicles are courtesy of [Beelzebubbas' Owner/GM Boyd X.] Biggs, and Meemaw Murrman provided all the restaurants with her souvenir skillets. QCurl even sent over some 55-gallon drums of Touchdown Tasers, and the Animal is providing crystal 'dessert' via the local Cranker Barrel. It's very touching to see these guys who are competitors all season long come together around their shared distaste for the Sea Hogs and their criminally insane owner, Bob Hitler."

In the custom of his mentor Jorge Linardo, Mojo D threw back his head and laughed silently, put his arm around Barkley and headed to the bar.

BLACK DOGS, ’BUBBAS SET FOR TITLE TILT

In route to Nashvegas aboard Air Force One, President Bush jokes
with reporters about the “12th Avenue peace pipe” he received.


BLACK DOGS, ’BUBBAS
SET FOR TITLE TILT
Bong-brandishing Bush to
throw out ' first pitch'

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

The two teams with the winningest records — the undefeated East Nashville Black Dogs (15-0) and the West Nashville Beelzebubbas (10-5) — will meet in this weekend’s NFFA Championship at Black Dog Stadium. To add even more luster to the event, the White House announced on Tuesday that President George W. Bush would visit Nashvegas for championship weekend.

Bush, who received a special invitation from NFFA founder Jorge Linardo, said he was looking forward to “throwing out the first pitch” before kickoff. Bush will also attend part of the third-place contest between the 12th Avenue Bakers and Atlanta Smack Daddies. Although the higher-seeded Daddies are designated as the home team, the game was moved from suburban Atlanta to Grey Goose Stadium so the president could take in both contests.

The championship tilt promises to be historic for reasons that go beyond the first presidential visit to an NFFA venue. A victory by the Black Dogs would cap an unprecedented perfect season. Whoever wins will join the Smack Daddies as the only teams to claim two NFFA championships.

Along with the written invitation from Linardo, President Bush received a Bakers commemorative bong from 12 South council member Roz Tefarian, along with a bobblehead Shiva like those given to the first 20,000 fans at the Bakers’ last home game. Bush showed the former gift to reporters aboard Air Force One, which Tefarian’s accompanying card described as a “12th Avenue peace pipe.” Bush also told reporters that, at Linardo’s invitation, he had drawn up a special play, which he dubbed “the Wild Bush,” for McMahon to use in the championship game.

“It will take a perfect performance by us to win,” said West Nashville coach Boyd X. Biggs, whose Beelzebubbas before now had never achieved consecutive winning seasons, much less back-to-back appearances in the championship game. “My old friend Mac [Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon] has a complete team with no weaknesses. Obviously, except for achieving world peace, nothing would make me happier than to [expletive] up his perfect season.”

Biggs announced that Memphis rappers Dr. Krunkenstein, implicated in an assassination attempt on NFFA commissioner William D. Money, would appear at a special Beelzebubbas pep rally, performing a new song — “Salary Cap His Ass” — they had written specifically about Money.

Separately, Biggs introduced former Bakers coach Stumpy Legg as the new chief of concierge services at Club Gitmo, where the ’Bubbas’ press conference was held. Legg, who led the Bakers to consecutive losing seasons before being replaced by the late Vince Lombardi in 2004, had been serving as a WalMart greeter on Charlotte Pike in West Nashville when Biggs happened to encounter him as he entered the store to buy a case of shotgun shells. “Stumpy has also been watching film and offering suggestions for the game plan this weekend,” Biggs said between sips of Cuervo Gold. “We’re getting some solid ideas of what not to do.”