By Faith Popcorn
Bakers PR
As the clock winds down on 12th Avenue's eighth straight loss of the 2011 NFFA season, two things have become paramount in the mind of owner QCurl Sharif — ending the horrible Bakers' downward spiral, and the health of his child, Curlbaby.
The two issues are inextricably intertwined. The new Bakers head coach is Amy Winehouse, who also happens to be the mother of Curlbaby. And, while hateful rumors have persisted about the paternity of the child, Sharif has forged ahead, placing a staggering sum of money into a Curlbaby trust, and keeping the child with him in his luxury box on gamedays. And, due to an unusual condition in which the baby may become aglow with flames at any given moment, Sharif has taken the child to many of his infamous gatherings. There is a photo circulating of Curlbaby being used by former head coach Snoop Dogg to light a party favor in the Treehouse Lounge, and the child has made a few Cherry Bomb Cafe appearances in which bartenders use him to torch up several rows of Touchdown Tasers.
The child's ability to flame up has been attributed to a new technique used in Winehouse's re-animation.
"Frankly, I'm worried about the both of them," Sharif said Sunday night from the Treehouse. "Amy has to put all of her focus into the team right now, and I'm concerned that she might have a relapse. And, while Curlbaby seems happy, he's growing at an incredible rate. I don't know how that's gonna play out, but I did let him drive me home tonight. We didn't even turn on the headlights."
When pressed about his team's fortunes, and the sudden firing of Snoop Dogg last week, Sharif made it clear that he feels the Bakers still belong in the elite class.
"We carry the weight of history," Sharif said. "I did think Snoop's rant against the Linardo Division was a bit out of line or premature, but I know where he's coming from. Pride. And, when the Corsairs threw out Cee-Lo Green as evidence of diversity in that division — well it only proved Snoop's point. Everyone knows Cee-Lo is white.
"But I'm straying from the point. People who know us continue to fear us. And, I still feel we can win out. Especially if we trade all of our current players. Amy is in the midst of personnel assessment and we're going to have a conversation in the next couple of days. I told her that she now carried a new child in her womb — the collective Baker Nation. She's got to carry that to full term!"
