TRUMP: ‘WE WON’ President claims ‘point fraud’ cost Village Green league title

After snubbing R.E. Porter, President Donald Trump calls on Woody Larry at his inaugural press conference Tuesday.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

At the first press conference of his new administration, President Donald J. Trump on Tuesday accused his fellow NFFA owners and Commissioner Jim McMahon of “collusion and total fraud,” claiming that they had cheated to prevent the team he owns, The Village Green, from winning its first league title.

When questioned by astonished members of the media, who had expected Trump to talk about such issues as immigration, trade and healthcare, Trump said, “They stole three to five million points from my team. We won by a huge amount. Huge. And they couldn’t handle it.”

The president also attacked media outlets that cover the NFFA, calling out FSN Sports and the Associated Web Press by name. “Fake news,” Trump said. “That’s all they do. Fake news. Pure fantasy. The carnage stops right here and right now.”

Trump did not elaborate on how he believed the commissioner’s office and fellow owners might have managed to steal three million points in league play. When Woody Larry of the Tennessean pointed out that fewer than 20,000 combined points were recorded by the NFFA’s eight teams during the regular season, Trump said, “That’s what the records show. That goes to my point. My team scored at least three million. At least. They took them off the books and buried them somewhere. You see what they did to us in their so-called Playoff League. Zero points for the Village Green. Zero. They’ve gone totally shameless. Maybe (Deputy Commissioner) Meadow Soprano’s waste management companies buried all our points in one of their landfills in New Jersey. We’ll find them.”

After Trump refused to take a question from AWP’s R.E. Porter — “You’re fake news,” Trump said — Woody followed up with the question Porter had intended to pose: “What action will you take?”

“You’ll see,” Trump said. He then detailed plans to purchase the Elias Sports Bureau, a compiler of sports statistics. “We’re going with alternative stats,” Trump said. “Then you’ll see the accurate picture we want and deserve. We’re going to win and win. We’ll so much our fans will get tired of winning. They’ll say, ‘C’mon, let the Bakers win for once before our sun burns out.’”

“Was there a ringleader of this conspiracy?” Woody asked. “What about your team’s long-standing hatred of (Corsairs founder and owner) Mojo D?”

“Fake news,” Trump said. “The truth is that we’re very close to Mojo D. He was actually a big supporter of my campaign. How big I won’t say, but big. He came to the wedding when Melania and I got married and gave us a very nice bottle of Trump Wine. 

“There are some good owners in this league. I want to party with Mr. Obobber on his boat sometime. My people are trying to work it out. I hear he knows how to handle women and slaves. But then you’ve got people like Bill Money, who’s a notorious Euro-socialist. Way, way out there. And Mos Ded, who’s with ISIS. And I think everybody knows by now that Sharif is a chocolate poodle for the Ukrainians.”

With that, Trump left the podium, citing a Skype conference with Russian president Vladimir Putin.

Reached for comment, Deputy Commissioner Soprano said she would have to view a videotape of Trump’s press conference before responding. Commissioner McMahon, whom reporters caught up to at the McMahonistan bar at Club Gitmo, asked, “Donald Trump is president? Who’s Donald Trump?”

Meanwhile, Sharif told reporters in London, “We think alternative stats are a great idea,” Sharif said. “That multiplies our chances of winning. In fact, after we recalculated our scores this year using our alternative stats, we found that the Bakers are the rightful champion, and it’s not close. We’re sending a courier to East Nashville tomorrow to pick up the trophy."

As to the rest of Trump’s remarks, Sharif added, “This obviously fits his overall narrative. Tiny hands, big numbers, mediocre results. And I don't mind being called a 'chocolate poodle' by someone who's obviously motivated out of fear of a black planet. Vanilla seems to be his speed. I hope this thing somehow lands in front of the honorable Naomi Morningstar."

ONE FOR THE PINKY Black Dogs join Smack Daddies as only franchises with four NFFA titles

Confetti rained down on Elmo Buzz & The Eastside Bulldogs as they performed at Five Points during the block party to celebrate another NFFA title for East Nashville. 

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

Christmas 2016 came a day late for the East Nashville Black Dogs, but with a 32-point trashing of the Downtown Corsairs on the day after Christmas, the Black Dogs got the present they wanted — a fourth NFFA championship.

The Black Dogs joined the Atlanta Smack Daddies as the only franchises with four titles. Together, the two founding franchises have accounted for more than half the championships in the league’s 15-year history.

After the game, drenched in Cristal, GM/head coach Marshawn Lynch shared his thoughts on the team’s big victory with the gathered media. “This is why we ran through those muthafucka’s faces, this is why we did that, over and over and over and over and over again, all season long,” Lynch said, warming to his subject. “We ran through those muthafucka’s faces like a muthafucka because we wanted to raise the Dead Lombardi trophy here tonight before the entire world. And that’s what we’re doing, boss.”

As the game wound down and it became clear there would be no miracle finish for the Corsairs, champagne was poured in Black Dogs owner Bill Money’s luxury suite, with Money toasting “one for the pinky.”

Money also toasted the job done by GM/head coach Lynch, telling his guests which included Senator Bernie Sanders and his wife Jane, “When I hired Marshawn to be the new GM after Buddy’s death, he had big shoes to fill. Then when he named himself as the replacement for the winningest coach in league history, Jim McMahon, those shoes he had to fill tripled in size — and he knew it. 

“But Marshawn filled those shoes, matching Jim with a division title and an NFFA championship in his first season. He even had one more win in the regular season than Jim did his first year, 10-9, so here’s to Marshawn for a job well done. May this be the first of many titles he brings to East Nashville. Now we need one for the thumb.”

London Bakers owner QCurl Sharif, who had flown into Nashvegas after the consolation game to celebrate with his old friend Money, declared, “The East Nashville franchise has been the gold standard for many years, on the field and off, in our front offices and our pharmacies.” 

Sharif seemed to be enjoying the Black Dogs win as much or more than Money. Of course, it is well known he hates Corsairs owner Mojo D — even more than he secretly hates the West Nashville Beelzebubbas — because Mojo D was behind an unsuccessful assassination attempt on Sharif back in 2013. 

After the game, Money, Sharif, Lynch, and the Sanders celebrated with Black Dogs players and fans at a block party in the Five Points area of East Nashville, dancing to the music of Elmo Buzz & The Eastside Bulldogs. When the band performed “Hey Pretty Boy,” instead of singing, “Hey, pretty boy, go back to Franklin” on the choruses, Buzz sang, “Hey, pretty boy, go back to Downtown,” to which the audience would answer, “Hey, pretty boy, go back to Downtown.” Senator Sanders jumped onstage during the number and sang louder than anyone during the reworked choruses. Afterwards, Sanders waxed diplomatic, saying he had “no beef” with the Corsairs, he was just “happy for his friend Bill.”

The band’s finale was their theme song, “Eastide Bulldog,” which they reworked as “Eastside Black Dog,” much to the delight of the team and their fans. Several Black Dogs players, including quarterback Aaron Rodgers and running backs LeGarrette Blount and Latavius “Tay Train” Murray, joined the band onstage and strutted their stuff during the finale. The fans went wild when Rodgers incorporated his trademark “discount double-check” move into his surprisingly funky dancing — for a white guy.

As the celebration wound down, Money and Lynch went with Sharif to The Treehouse where the party continued until daybreak. Treehouse regular Joe Biden was providing entertainment of a sort, using a laser pointer to mess with Snoop Dogg, who was crawling around on the floor after overindulging in some “edibles” Sharif had brought back from Washington after the consolation game against Fidalgo Island. Snoop would grab at the red laser light and when he came up empty-handed, he would look at his hand in disbelief and say, “What the fushuzzle,” which would send everyone into fits of laughter.

Neither Money, Lynch, nor Sharif had a wink of sleep by the time they rolled into the annual post-championship game breakfast at Club Gitmo hosted by league founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo. In his remarks to the breakfast attendees, Dr. Linardo congratulated both the Black Dogs and Corsairs on their outstanding seasons. In conclusion, he said, "The Black Dogs won because the Corsairs forgot one of the fundamentals: First and foremost, this game has always been about buckets.”