AWESOME AWESOMENESS Cambridge claims first championship, W. Nashville bridesmaid for fifth time

Cambridge fans took to the streets of Boston last night to celebrate the Animals victory over West Nashville which gave them their first NFFA championship.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

CAMBRIDGE—The champagne — the really good stuff — was flowing in Cambridge last night as the Animals and their fans celebrated the franchise's first NFFA title. The Animals claimed the 2015 championship with a hard-fought, low-scoring win against their (now) most-hated rivals, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, in an all-Jorge division final, 122.1-111.9. The Beelzebubbas were the runner-up for the second year in a row and the fifth time in the last nine years.

As the final seconds counted down, the packed house at Methlon Stadium chanted, "DTA, DTA," in salute to team owner Dave the Animal. DTA, flying high above the crowd on his signature hoverboard and wearing his signature flowing saffron robes, waved to the crowd while pouring what looked to be hundreds of pounds of a white powder over them, turning the whole scene into a sparkling white celebration of not only their victory but of the first product that lead to the Methlon empire and his general world domination. Behind him in a train of hover boards were, in order, Animals' Wunderkind GM/Coach Wilder the Animal; Jesus and Matthew Stafford, who appear to be separately incarnated again; the Dalai Lama; Methlon Genetics Lab's most recent creation, the horsedog, affectionately known as Animal the Animal; some brilliantly glowing golden mist-being presumed to be The Almighty, aka God the Animal; a large machine with flowing hair; all followed by dozens of tiny blue goats on tiny blue hover boards singing Methlon's national anthem, "O Awesome Awesomeness, Yes, The End Is Near." Seven of the blue goats had the heads of the seven other owners all linked to together with their noses pressed against the testicles of the goat/owner in front of them — all constantly circling DTA and chanting, "All Hail, DTA." 

Fans not at the game spilled out of the bars along Mass Ave. into the street and headed toward Harvard Square, where the trophy ceremony was being broadcast on a giant screen from Methlon Stadium. On it, DTA's haunting and almost unbearable visage came to life: "People of Animal Nation and all other nations, behold your master, who holds your fate in his hands as tenderly as you normal humans cup the fragile eggs of Sharif-el-Bubbas during the Festival of the Coarse Hairsmas, that celebration of perpetual loss, suffering, and humiliation," DTA said. "But fear not, for today is the greatest of all days for the greatest of all teams, and I shall heap no further pain upon my enemies this day, henceforth to be called for all eternity "The Day that Proved The Animals Are The Greatest Team in NFFA History, Despite Science, Facts and All the Other Mumbo Jumbo The Holy Commissioner Is Constantly Yakking About Day" and each year, on what once was called December 28, citizens will be required to utter the name of the day ten thousand times while kneeling and bowing toward our corporate offices in Cambridge. And on this day each of my fellow owners shall be visited via drone by the Holy Golden Phallus of Fate so they may perform the required private rituals and remain forever mindful of the pain my victory causes them and will cause them for all times. Finally, I'd like to thank Jesus for stepping up at the last minute to once again defeat the Old Enemy, Matt Stafford for allowing his body to be possessed, all of our chemical engineers, the great state of Mexico for allowing us to test our products on their entire population for all these years, and finally, I'd like to thank the little elf who gave me one of those vibrating football games so many years ago that gave me all the knowledge I've ever had about this great game of ours ... ."

After the trophy ceremony, Wilder the Animal was overheard saying to his brother, "The crowd shouldn't have been chanting Dad's name, they should have been chanting mine. Dad hadn't won [expletive] until I took over."

And no doubt it was hard for the whiz kid to overlook the snub his father gave him in the postgame proclamation. "Since my dad's deification last week — well, it's gone to his head," WTA said. "The truth is he knows absolutely nothing about football; yes, he's a genius when it comes to curling, his favorite sport, probably the greatest curling mind in history, but that's it."

200 x 3 Smack Daddies set season record by scoring 200 or more threes times in 2015

The Smack Daddies' torrid scoring streak has been led by quarterback Cam Newton.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

"Red hot" would be an apt description for the Atlanta Smack Daddies over the last three weeks, a stretch that has seen the team average 206.6 points per game, including back-to-back 200-point games, an NFFA first. In those three contests, the Daddies have been led by quarterback Cam Newton, who has averaged more than 60 points a game the last three weeks.

Prior to the 2015 season, four teams had scored 200 or more points twice in a single season, but no team had ever done it in consecutive weeks. East Nashville has done it three times (2005, 2007, and 2014), and Fidalgo Island has done it twice (2007 and 2013), while Cambridge and the Downtowners have each done it once, both in 2014 (See Chart 1 below).

Now the Smack Daddies have done them all one better because they also hit 200 in week three, although in a losing cause, falling to the Black Dogs, 214.8 to 202.6. Still, they became the first team in league history to score 200 or more points three times in a single season.

"The playoffs are cute," Atlanta owner Lex Dominica said. "But everyone knows who the best team in this league is."

The 226.2 points the Smack Daddies put on The Village Green last weekend was the fifth-highest total in NFFA history, giving them five 200-point games all time. (See Chart 2 below). The Black Dogs lead in that category, with ten 200-point games, including the league's first three. Fidalgo Island is next with seven 200-point games all time, followed by the Daddies and the Animals with five each, the Corsairs with four (two as the Midtown Mojo), the 12th Avenue Bakers with three, and The Village Green and West Nashville Beelzebubbas with one each. The Beelzebubbas' only 200-point game came in week 2 of the 2007 season and was the highest score in NFFA history: 233.5 points versus the Smack Daddies.

Interestingly, the 'Bubbas have never been on the receiving end of a 200-point game, the only team that can make that claim. "That's because we believe in great defense," GM Mos Ded said. "A lot of people think great defense starts with great defensive players, but it starts with not letting other people score on you. We have a great defensive coordinator, Janet."

The Alamo Scouts/Village Green franchise has given up the most 200-point games — nine (five as the Scouts and four as The Green). The Sea Hogs are next with six, followed by the Black Dogs and Smack Daddies with five each, the Animals with four, and the Bakers and Corsairs with three each.

As for what the Smack Daddies have accomplished over the past three weeks, not everyone around the league is impressed. "Can we just start next year with a consolation division, where people can score 200 points in meaningless games?" asked Cambridge owner Dave the Animal, whose team will play for the NFFA championship this weekend. "A trophy for everyone, boys."

Chart 1: 200-Point Club By Year

2005 (2)
• East Nashville Black Dogs, 215 points (2005, week 3 vs. Alamo Scouts)
• East Nashville Black Dogs, 201 points (2005, week 6 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
2006 (1)
• East Nashville Black Dogs, 231 points (2006, week 10 vs. Alamo Scouts)
2007 (7)
• West Nashville Beelzebubbas, 233.5 points (2007, week 2 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
• 12th Avenue Bakers, 227 points (2007, week 9 vs. Alamo Scouts)
• Midtown Mojo, 217.5 points (2007, week 7 vs. Alamo Scouts)
• East Nashville Black Dogs, 215 points (2007, week 6 vs. Cambridge Animals)
• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 214.5 points (2007, week 12 vs. Alamo Scouts)
• East Nashville Black Dogs, 207 points (2007, week 4 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 205 points (2007, week 7 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
2008 (1)
• Cambridge Animals, 231.5 points (2008, week 10 vs. Midtown Mojo)
2009 (1)
• East Nashville Black Dogs, 205 points (2009, week 5 vs. Cambridge Animals)
2010 (2)
• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 220.5 (2010, week 4 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
• Midtown Mojo, 218.5 points (2010, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
2011 (4)
• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 208.5 points (2011, week 2 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
• East Nashville Black Dogs, 207 points (2011, week 15 vs. Downtown Corsairs)
• Atlanta Smack Daddies, 204.5 points (2011, week 15 vs. The Village Green)
• 12th Avenue Bakers, 200 points (2011, week 2 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
2012 (1)
• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 204 points (2012, week 3 vs. Cambridge Animals)
2013 (4)
• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 212 points (2013, week 13 vs. The Village Green)
• Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 208 points (2013, week 14 vs. Downtown Corsairs)
• Cambridge Animals, 206 points (2013, week 13 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
• Atlanta Smack Daddies, 201 points (2013, week 4 vs. Cambridge Animals)
2014 (7)
• Cambridge Animals, 225.8 (2014, week 8 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
• East Nashville Black Dogs, 224.7 (2014, week 8 vs. The Village Green)
• East Nashville Black Dogs, 211.1 points (2014, week 4 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs.
• The Village Green, 209 points (2013, week 2 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
• Downtown Corsairs, 208.8 (2014, week 13 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies
• Cambridge Animals, 200.9 (2014, week 13 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
• Downtown Corsairs, 200.1 (2014, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
2015 (6)
• Atlanta Smack Daddies, 226.2 (2015, week 15 vs. The Village Green)
• 12th Avenue Bakers, 217.9 points (2015, week 15 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
• East Nashville Black Dogs, 214.8 points (2015, week 3 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
• Cambridge Animals, 203 points (2015, week 6 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
• Atlanta Smack Daddies, 202.6 (2015, week 3 vs. East Nashville BlackDogs)
• Atlanta Smack Daddies, 201.9 points (2015, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)

Chart 2: NFFA 200-Point Club

1. West Nashville Beelzebubbas, 233.5 points (2007, week 2 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
2. Cambridge Animals, 231.5 points (2008, week 10 vs. Midtown Mojo)
3. East Nashville Black Dogs, 231 points (2006, week 10 vs. Alamo Scouts)
4. 12th Avenue Bakers, 227 points (2007, week 9 vs. Alamo Scouts)
5. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 226.2 (2015, week 15 vs. The Village Green)
6. Cambridge Animals, 225.8 (2014, week 8 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
7. East Nashville Black Dogs, 224.7 (2014, week 8 vs. The Village Green) 
8. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 220.5 (2010, week 4 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
9. Midtown Mojo, 218.5 points (2010, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
10. 12th Avenue Bakers, 217.9 points (2015, week 15 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
11. Midtown Mojo, 217.5 points (2007, week 7 vs. Alamo Scouts)
12a. East Nashville Black Dogs, 215 points (2005, week 3 vs. Alamo Scouts)
12b. East Nashville Black Dogs, 215 points (2007, week 6 vs. Cambridge Animals)
14. East Nashville Black Dogs, 214.8 points (2015, week 3 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
15. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 214.5 points (2007, week 12 vs. Alamo Scouts)
16. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 212 points (2013, week 13 vs. The Village Green)
17. East Nashville Black Dogs, 211.1 points (2014, week 4 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs.
18. The Village Green, 209 points (2013, week 2 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
19. Downtown Corsairs, 208.8 (2014, week 13 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies
20. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 208.5 points (2011, week 2 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
21. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 208 points (2013, week 14 vs. Downtown Corsairs)
22a. East Nashville Black Dogs, 207 points (2007, week 4 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
22b. East Nashville Black Dogs, 207 points (2011, week 15 vs. Downtown Corsairs)
24. Cambridge Animals, 206 points (2013, week 13 vs. Black Dogs)
25a. East Nashville Black Dogs, 205 points (2009, week 5 vs. Cambridge Animals)
25b. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 205 points (2007, week 7 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
27. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 204.5 points (2011, week 15 vs. The Village Green)
28. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 204 points (2012, week 3 vs. Cambridge Animals)
29. Cambridge Animals, 203 points (2015, week 6 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
30. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 202.6 (2015, week 3 vs. East Nashville BlackDogs)
31. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 201.9 points (2015, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
32a. East Nashville Black Dogs, 201 points (2005, week 6 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
32b. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 201 points (2013, week 4 vs. Cambridge Animals)
34. Cambridge Animals, 200.9 (2014, week 13 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
35. Downtown Corsairs, 200.1 (2014, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
36. 12th Avenue Bakers, 200 points (2011, week 2 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)

BLACK DOGS CLINCH DIVISION McMahon shocks team, announces retirement

East Nashville coach Jim McMahon, the winningest coach in NFFA history, told his Black Dogs team Monday evening he plans to retire following this year's playoffs.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Emotions — along with champagne — overflowed in the home locker room at The Dawg House Monday evening. The East Nashville Black Dogs were celebrating their division-clinching victory over the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, but that was not the only reason for the emotions.

Coach Jim McMahon told the team that this will be his last season, and he will retire after the playoffs. “As many of you know, I have been dealing with some health issues, and the last thing I want to happen is for my health to affect the success of this great franchise,” he said, according to a source who wished to remain anonymous. “So I’ve decided to step aside after the playoffs to focus on my health.” It’s been no secret that McMahon has been dealing with memory issues for several years, problems thought to signal the onset of dementia caused by the numerous concussions he suffered as an NFL player.

After McMahon broke the news to the team, GM Buddy Ryan addressed the Black Dogs and called McMahon “the greatest coach in NFFA history.” It’s hard to argue with his assertion. McMahon has never had a losing campaign, compiling a 102-52 regular season record over 11 seasons (2005-2015) for a .662 winning percentage. In that same period, he won 10 division titles — 2005-2009 and 2011-2015— and three NFFA championships — 2005, 2008, and 2011. The 2008 championship team went 16-0, the only undefeated team in NFFA history. His Black Dogs teams were also the runner-up twice, in 2009 and 2012; which means prior to this season, McMahon had led the Dogs to the title game five times in 10 years.

McMahon's teams have been known for their high-octane offenses, but also high-scoring defenses, fueled in part by “Krankensteins,” position players who pull double duty as return men. McMahon pioneered the Krankenstein concept when he was an assistant coach for the 12th Avenue Bakers under head coach Stumpy Legg in 2004 and cornerback/kick returner Terrence McGee, the league’s first Krankenstein star, played for the team. He brought the Krankenstein concept — and McGee — to the Black Dogs when Ryan, who has a long association with the coach going all the way back to McMahon’s days as a Super Bowl-winning quarterback, hired him to lead the East Nashville franchise prior to the 2005 season.

The East Nashville players were visibly upset by McMahon's announcement, but the mood lifted when a number of Black Dogs vowed to win a fourth ring for McMahon before he calls it quits. Two of those who spoke up, running back Darren Sproles and wide receiver Antonio Brown, were on East Nashville’s last championship team in 2011.

“Aw, Mac’s my man,” Sproles said. “Love that dude. Gonna miss that guy. We’ve got to send him out on top, where he belongs.”

“We got this for J-Mac,” Brown added. “Book it.”

As word spread across Nashvegas of McMahon’s announcement, the coach's longtime friends and foes reacted to the news.

“I think back fondly of the time — I know that Jim no longer remembers it — when he and I blew a crater in 12th Avenue and he left a "Welcome to McMahonistan" sign,” West Nashville owner/GM Mos Ded recalled. “Those were the days when this league had an irrepressible soul. It's all so corporate now. I'm glad I didn't live to see it. They don't make coaches like him anymore. As he might have said over a Morning Glory Margarita at one of his pressers, ‘Sic transit gloria McMahon.’” (Translation: “Thus passes the glory of McMahon.”)

“I don't always like NFFA coaches, but when I do, I prefer Jim McMahon,” offered Beelzebubbas chairman and league founder, Jorge Linardo. “Se queda sed, mes amigos. He stays thirsty.”

Still in the UK following the Bacchanal, Bakers owner QCurl Sharif conveyed his thoughts to the AWP via Skype. “When I heard the news, I was real high, and the rumor of this was actually floating around in London,” he said. “It hit me really hard because I feel like the Bakers and the Black Dogs have always had a special relationship. And, by that I mean we share. We've shared our commitment to the fans; we've shared coaches; we've shared blow. But, most of all, we've shared integrity. And, I'm not just referring to Integrity Jones, the dancer at The Cherry Bomb from back in the day.

“This is the end of a golden era in our league,” Sharif continued. “McMahon has always been the toughest hombre to face on the field. His players have always played like wild dogs — wild black dogs — and, of course, this divisional run, the undefeated season, and the championships. It's unprecedented in modern sport. But, more than any of that, McMizzle has always followed his own beat. Now, he seems to be literally hearing drums in his head. We should all follow his example ... if not his literal lifestyle.”

President Barack Obama also shared his memories of the Black Dogs coach. “I’ll never forget the first time I met Jim McMahon,” Obama said from Washington by phone. “I was a fan from his Chicago playing days, of course, but we had never actually met. We were at a thing at QCurl's Tree House.

Obama wearing the headband McMahon gave him.

In Washington, we were going through this big fight with Congress, and McMahon walked up to me, introduced himself, and gave me a white cotton headband on which he had used a Sharpie to write ‘BOEHNER.’ I wore it the next time I addressed a joint session of Congress — true story — and you should have seen Boehner's face. He knew I had him in my sights, and he caved almost immediately rather than take the ass-beating that was coming his way. That's the kind of fearlessness I learned from McMahon.” McMahon's gift, of course, was inspired by the headband he wore as a player on which he had written "Rozelle" in defiance of NFL commissioner Pete Rozelle, who had fined McMahon for wearing an Adidas headband.

McMahon and the Black Dogs continued celebrating their division title at fooBar late into Monday evening. When someone mentioned his retirement, McMahon seemed puzzled. “Retirement?” he was overheard to ask. “Who said anything about retirement.” When told he had, McMahon said, “I must have been drunk.”

LONDON CALLING UK hosts Bacchanal to the Future contest

The late Joe Strummer, former minority owner of the 12th Avenue Bakers, will be honored at an integrity dinner in London during this week's Bacchanal festivities.

By Man Ray Natural
The Mainline Dope

LONDON—As 12th Avenue Bakers coach Snoop Dogg and quarterback Tom Brady deplaned at London's Heathrow Airport late Wednesday night, the British press mobbed them, allowing two men to slip by unnoticed—owners QCurl Sharif and Petro Poroshenko—and enter a waiting limousine. The Bakers and the surging West Nashville Beelzebubbas, who arrived earlier in the week, are breaking new ground for the NFFA by playing this year's 12th annual Bacchanal to the Future game at Wembley Stadium, a game that will go a long way in determining the course of the 2015 playoff picture.

As Snoop and Brady were fielding questions on the tarmac beneath Air Bake One, Sharif and the Chocolate King left for what has been reported as an "intense" dinner together at the One-Eyed Pig, a supergastropub and notorious refuge for ex-pat Baker fans near Trafalgar Square, also owned by Sharif.

For stateside fans, the team has taken a nosedive in the past month, recently losing in the last seconds to the Downtown Corsairs, followed last week by a crushing loss to the East Nashville Black Dogs. A team that once seemed like a shoo-in for the postseason is now on the ropes and apparently Poroshenko is placing part of the blame on Sharif's private life. Increasingly, Sharif has been seen in the company of federal judge Naomi Morningstar and recent consulting hire Sepp Blatter. Sharif and Blatter recently spent several days in Zurich at Blatter's home amid rumors of an impending split with Poroshenko.

Diners at the One-Eyed Pig told reporters Thursday morning that Poroshenko threw a drink in Sharif's face and smeared chocolate across the breast of his own shirt, a sign in the Ukraine of throrough disgust, dating back to a Teutonic/Mongol tradition of wiping oneself with one's own feces to make a point. Sharif is reported to have cried out and cut the palm of his own hand with a steak knife, shouting that "only fools worry about this world!"

Of course, criticism of the Bakers has been mounting and fans appear to be blaming Sharif. Injuries and lackluster performance by the receiving corps and the defense, of late, seem to be likely culprits, but Sharif's lifestyle has always been fodder for the press. The fact that trusted PR maven Faith Popcorn has been sequestered at Sharif's home in some form of mysterious "recovery" has only fueled speculation that all is not right in Bakerland. Guests at a recent gala fundraiser for chimpanzee rescue held in Sharif's home reported open drug use by many present and several great cats, dressed in theater garb, roaming the grounds freely. Judge Morningstar presided with Sharif, according to guests, over forced marriages of wild animals from different species, and at least one attendee stated that nude guards would then escort the "newlyweds" to the Treehouse for a forced consummation. For the record, Sharif has always defended any "animal-centric events" as attended by proper doctors. The Bacchanal itself has always been complemented by an army of medical doctors, veterinarians, and pharmacists.

With the recent downturn in fortunes, those events and others like them, have been singled out as evidence of Sharif's lack of control. This weekend's Bacchanal is a chance for redemption. A win over the 'Bubbas could potentially clinch a playoff spot. It has been learned that Sharif plans to attend an integrity dinner Friday night at Kensington Palace, organized by Friends of the Bakers (London), honoring the franchise and celebrating the life of the late Joe Strummer, a former minority owner of the Bakers and part of the original exploration committee that landed the team in Nashville. The dinner is expected to draw influential guests, including Sir Elton John, David Beckham, and Lulu, interested in bringing an NFFA team to London.

Corsairs Clinch Playoffs; Mojo D Addresses "Issues"

An ecstatic Mojo D and the jubilant Corsairs faithful, who shut down Broadway Wednesday night after the official results sealed the Corsairs' Division crown and the chance to defend their NFFA Championship. Mojo D addressed the crowd via Skype from an "undisclosed location," which was disclosed later by TMZ FantasySports: Columbia, SC, where the Corsairs owner paid his respects to Village Green owner Donald J. Trump.

By Soren Bernyn
FSN with reporting from TMZ FantasySports

Downtown Nashville exploded with joy Wednesday -- with the official results from Week 11 NFFA games, the Downtown Corsairs clinched their second straight Linardo Division crown, and a trip to the playoffs to defend their NFFA Championship.

Mojo D addressed media and the crowd via Skype: "obviously, I am very, very proud of Ray-Ray and the team - overcoming injuries, bye weeks and bad matchups to snatch a victory in the last seconds. Ninkovich's performance has likely earned him a keeper spot - plus he is Q Curl Sharif's personal kryptonite, which just sweetens the pot."

"This victory opens the gateway to an NFFA title defense - there has never been a repeat champion, and the Corsairs intend to change that in 2015. The last three weeks of the regular season are on auto-pilot while we try to get Lucky healthy for the playoffs - he is on some experimental therapies that are getting great results. We're just gonna kick back in the front office, and see if the Daddies or Green can salvage some respectability and a long-shot playoff berth; but that's really a side-show to the Jorge blood-feuds that will determine who goes to the playoffs."

"It should be an epic sh*t-storm - just look at these teams: it appears Cambridge has lost the will to win. Two weeks of the lowest score?? I think DTA must be trying to squeeze out WTA, and has gone back to setting lineups. QCurl & the Bakers are so unaccustomed to a record over .500 that it has thrown their world out of balance. It's a testament to the ineptitude of the Linardo that the Beelzebubbas are in the hunt - the Brady-Peytie trade was the nadir of GM decisions: Mos Ded deserves a special award for idiocy. As always, the Black Dogs are dangerous when cornered, and I put nothing -- NOTHING -- past Buddy Ryan. All in all, it should be a Wang Dang Doodle in the Jorge these last three weeks."

Asked about allegations of collusion and/or intimidation with the Village Green, Mojo D's face grew dark, and he said sternly "any communication I had with Goodrow was intended to improve the competitiveness of the league. The Linardo has been a damn disgrace, our Week 11 sweep notwithstanding. And of course, some loser saw it with that weak sister Stuart Smalley: my sources tell me that Stu holds Goodrow's phone while he visits one of Goodrow-A-Go-Go's Champagne rooms - the Pussy-Whip Lounge. Amazingly, he spends even more time getting spanked there than on the field: some skirt named Heaven or Heather or something..."

Undaunted by a sketchy connection and fueled by Corsair Nashville Bourbon Old-Fashioneds, Mojo D continued:  "Obobber, where art thou? Poor Tirik has disappeared from the scene - it's like he's not even trying anymore. I had been calling the FISH win 'the Thanksgiving Miracle,' but I fear there is a darker side emerging here. Since we went to decimal-point scoring, the official results from 'The Mighty Elias' (Sports Bureau) have come into play, and the Chocolate King's ownership of Elias needs an NFFA review. We won by a c*nt-hair, and giving the win to the Bakers this week would be too obvious, since he knows we are watching."

The Corsairs play the Sea Hogs at Swinofish Stadium in Fidalgo Island, but Mojo D will not be there. Corsairs Coach Ray-Ray Lewis said: "me and the boys got this motherf*cker - he needs a break. And we do too."

THE FIX IS IN Hillsboro Villager witnesses collusion

Village Green fan Seymour Points (left) says Corsairs owner Mojo D (right) used intimidation and threats to affect the Green's lineup this past weekend.

By Heywood Jablomee
United Web Press International

As if team owner Donald Trump didn’t have enough on his plate, rumors of fixing lineups for the Village Green has been confirmed.

In a brief statement, Seymour Points, a newly settled Villager noted, “I was at the Goodrow-A-Go-Go and saw Stuart Smalley reading through texts from rival Mojo D. I could make out phrases like, “render chaos unto the other division” and "execute the ... lineup changes, or else!”

Reached for comment, Coach Smalley said, “Mojo D has always offered advice, but this was an open threat. He said there’d be "hell to pay coming wedding day" if I don’t pick up (kicker) Cairo Santos.  I didn’t realize how much interest he had in the performance of my team!” The inferred threat made by "Capn’ D" was in reference to the planned wedding of the team coach in May of 2016. 

From the campaign trail, Green owner Donald Trump screamed, “First, this joker Ben Carson who doesn’t have the balls to kick Mexicans out of our contrry, and now this joker threatnening my homeboy Stuart. Back off Homo D, you don’t want to f—k with me!"

Some local Villagers are questioning the valdity of statments made by Mr. Points. Sources point out that he is one of a handful of New Yorkers flush with cash from his winnings from FanDuel and now a gambling refugee in the Volunteer State. At press time, Mayor Megan Barry and Commissioner Money have launched an investigation into the allegation of lineup fixing and the testimony of Mr. Points.

ANIMALS PLAYOFF TIX SELL OUT '10 win min guaranteed,' DTA says

Cambridge owner Dave the Animal is confident of a playoff berth for his team.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

With half the season remaining, the league-leading Cambridge Animals have already placed on sale playoff tickets — and then sold out Methlon Stadium within two hours.

Team officials say the decision to make the unprecedented offer — no franchise has ever sold playoff tickets before December — was based on the team’s sweep of four Linardo Division opponents. In fact, according to Animals owner Dave the Animal, “10 wins minimum is a done deal. It’s guaranteed. The only certainty greater than this that I’m aware of is that Snoop Dogg and QCurl Sharif will roll out some Tropic Thunder this weekend.

“We have four more games against the L Division,” explained DTA, who was asked, after the team’s practice on Tuesday, why the Animals were celebrating a playoff berth. “That’s four more wins in the bank, for a minimum of 10. You do the meth, I mean, the math.

“No team with 10 wins has ever missed the playoffs in this league, unless you count the 2004 Bakers, who didn’t show up for their playoff game because everyone was still recovering from the Bacchanal two weeks earlier.”

After DTA left, when reporters asked Wilder the Animal about the secret behind the team’s success, the Animals’ wunderkind GM dropped a bombshell. It has been no secret that WTA has assumed a greater role this year in the team’s operation than in previous years — even making moves of which his pioneering father disapproved. What Wilder revealed, perhaps inadvertently, and what the media did not know until now, is that majority ownership in the Animals was obtained in early September by publishing kingpin Jarry McCohen.

“Mac, I mean Mr. McCohen, told me to take the ball and run with it,” Wilder said. “But please don’t tell my dad. He thinks he’s still the big baller around here.”

SWEEP! Jorge division goes 4-0 against Linardo opponents in week two

After being swept by the Jorge division, Linardo division teams found brooms like the one shown above leaning against their office doors this morning.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Once ridiculed as the "Loser" division, the Linardo division has captured the last three NFFA titles to lay claim to being the league's strongest division. But in week two, that claim took a big hit, as the Jorge division swept their Linardo opponents. 

To add insult to injury, Linardo team officials arrived at their offices today to find an unwanted gift awaiting them: custom brooms to remind them of the sweep by their Jorge division rivals. The brooms, which were leaning against their entranceways, were stamped with a message: "Compliments of Jorge Division, Megan Barry, Mayor." 

The AWP has learned the custom brooms were also delivered to The Palm and the Music City Center in downtown Nashvegas, as well as the Goodrow-A-Go-Go in Hillsboro Village, The Bada Bing in Atlanta, and the private homes of the Linardo division owners. 

More on this story as it develops.

ZOMBIE QUARTERBACK! Startling discovery after Bubbas' coaches notice Peyton Manning’s ‘dead’ arm

Did the Bakers zombify Peyton Manning before trading him to the Beelzebubbas.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

First, Bubbas QB Coach Adam Sandler noticed that Peyton Manning “seemed to have a dead arm” in warmups. Then, after the former league MVP struggled mightily, scoring a paltry 11.4 points in Sunday’s season-opening loss, Sandler asked the team’s medical staff to run some tests.

They made a startling discovery.

“I can confirm to you,” said team physician Roy Draige, “that the quarterback who took the field for us Sunday is a zombie.”

The discovery apparently sent shock waves throughout the Bubbas organization and is sure to ripple across the NFFA as well. It raised a host of questions that the team — and the media — are rushing to investigate.

“How did Manning become zombified? Why didn’t we notice earlier? Is Zombie Peyton the real Peyton or just a zombie clone? We don’t know yet, but we’re going to find out,” said Bubbas Chief Operating Officer Anton Chigur.

For obvious reasons, intense scrutiny is being directed toward the 12th Avenue Bakers, Manning’s former team and the only franchise in the league with zombification technology. According to Chigur, his investigative staff is looking into whether the Bakers knew that the quarterback was a zombie — or even zombified him intentionally — before trading him to the Beelzebubbas last month for Tom Brady and linebacker Paul Posluszny.

“It’s no secret that [Bakers owner] QCurl [Sharif] despised Peyton,” said a longtime Bakers employee who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, it was so obvious that Peyton even changed his name to He Hate Me.

“On the other hand, there have been rumors of accidents from down at Hohenwald,” where the Bakers maintain their primary zombification facility. If Peyton went down there, it’s conceivable he might have gotten drunk and wound up in the wrong room. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have been the first time.”

The employee noted that, several years ago at the annual Bacchanalia to the Future, former Village Green owner Dave Goodrow was partially zombified in what festival organizers called a “near-tragic mishap.” Goodrow eventually recovered and regained most of his human functions following the accident.

Bakers owner QCurl Sharif could not be reached for comment. A team official said Sharif had been in a conference all weekend with Petro “Chocolate King” Poroshenko and singer/activist Elton John about LGBT rights in Ukraine.

Manning’s brother, Eli, who also plays for the Beelzebubbas, said the revelation was both a shock and somehow unsurprising. “I hadn’t really noticed any difference, to tell you the truth,” Eli said. “He’s always been kind of robotic and mumbles a lot, you know?”

Peyton’s status for this week’s game against the Green was unclear. He is officially listed as “questionable,” and team trainers are working to improve the QB’s arm strength. Sandler refused to name a starter at the position going forward but noted that Eli, the live Manning, scored only nine more points last week than his zombie brother.

Meanwhile, NashVegas’ zombie rights community greeted Tuesday’s news with giddy excitement. “This is a real breakthrough,” said film director George Romero, who leads a nonprofit called Parents & Friends of Zombies (PFOZ). “Peyton is a pioneer. It’s a new day for the dead.”

Corsairs Plan Championship Parade, Ring Ceremony for Sunday

Expect to see Corsairs Owner/GM Mojo D and Jack White reprise their 2012 championship performance on Sunday.

by Soren Bernyn, FSN

The Downtown Corsairs, defending NFFA Champions, plan to kick off the new season in style Sunday with a raucous parade through Nashville, capped with a halftime Championship Ring ceremony for the Corsairs 2014 roster. The team held a presser Saturday at Pinewood Social, the team's new unofficial headquarters.

"We tried to have this parade several times during the off-season, but were stymied by wicked weather and scattered assholes filing lawsuits," Corsairs Owner/GM Mojo D stated, referring to the annual barrage of NFFA team attorneys attempting to overturn the previous season's championship. "But it's a new day in Nashville, and we are stoked to have two of our stalwart fans as co-marshals: outgoing mayor Karl Dean, and incoming mayor Megan Barry. They have supported the Corsairs since the get-go, and the team has reciprocated."

The parade will include a regular who's-who of Nashville glitterati, and will feature performances by The Avett Brothers, Turbo Fruits, Kacey Musgraves and - naturally - Jack White. Mojo D was vibrating with delight when he said: "It is entirely possible that Jack and I will perform our 2012 Championship anthem 'Rather Be Lucky (Than Good [Any Day])', as well as debut our new surf-grass instrumental 'STFU,' which we are dedicating to our fellow NFFA owners and their lawyers."

The parade itself will wind from City Hall to the Music City Center, where the Corsairs will open their season at home in their luxury field, affectionately nicknamed "The Roofie." in typical fashion, the Corsairs' parade will be a visual spectacle, with Mardi Gras-style floats representing highlights and low points of the season. Mojo D opined "my favorite is the one commemorating the Bakers' lawsuit - it's a live-action tableau of Salvador Dalî's 'The Persistence of Memory,' complete with melting clocks."

The lead float will follow the TSU Marching Band, and "since he has the week off, LeVeon Bell will baby-sit my grandson Asher on that float - the two of them were key to our championship." Other floats display "a giant, ridiculous, orange-spray-tanned, candy-cotton-combover effigy" of Village Green's new owner Donald Trump, which Mojo D said "may or may not explode in front of The Palm. It should be awesome - fire-eaters, clowns, chainsaw-jugglers, erotic gymnasts, trannies on stilts, punk-rock brass bands, UFO fly-overs, interactive holograms: the whole breadth and depth of a new Nashville!"

The ring ceremony at halftime promises to be emotional: young Asher will present the team with a symbol of their victory: a two-knuckle gold ring studded with emeralds and diamonds in the shape of the Roofie. It will also present an awkward moment when two current Beelzebubbas - CJ Anderson and Odell Beckham Jr. - cross from the opponents' sideline to accept their rings. "I hate that those dudes aren't Corsairs anymore," Coach Ray-Ray Lewis said. "They're gamers, but you only get one keeper."


"But enough hoopla," Mojo D said. "The season is upon us - let the games and the drinks begin!" It is worth noting that the hipster crowd at Pinewood was puzzled.

‘BARRY’ GO-GO’S WILD Female impersonator takes Village by storm

Megging Barry appeared as Lady Gaga last night a the Goodrow-a-Go-Go.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

While NashVegas prepared for a runoff election to determine who would lead the city for the next four years, a female impersonator is claiming to be “the mayor of Hillsboro Village” — and has apparently won the hearts and minds of audiences of the Goodrow-a-Go-Go.

The performer, who goes by the name Megging Barry, also may have had an impact on the city’s mayoral politics. Barry, who says he arrived last December from “the Northeast,” has drawn packed crowds to the Village nightspot, which is operated by Dave Goodrow, former owner of the Village Green. The tall, sculpted dancer’s stage moniker is a play on the name of Megan Barry, who was the top vote-getter in the August mayoral primary, and on his habit of wearing the men’s leggings that have become associated with the club and many of its clientele.

On Tuesday, wearing a long white gown and a blonde wig, a heavily padded Barry impersonated Dolly Parton, changing the words of one of Dolly’s best known songs from “Jolene” to “Karl Dean.” Later, he appeared in a pink chamois sweatsuit bearing the logo of the Downtown Corsairs and throwing plastic mini-footballs to the crowd.

“She’s oodles of fun,” said Go-Go regular Naomi Morningstar. “She’ll change costumes several times throughout the evening. Last night she was Lady Gaga, and at least once during each show she comes out in Corsairs licensed gear, which I assume is a shot at that incestuous crowd that hangs out at The Palm.”

Goodrow, who has been intimately involved in the day-to-day operations of the Goodrow-a-Go-Go since selling the Green to Donald Trump, said he had approved the wearing of apparel with the logo of his chief NFFA rival – an act that typically provokes violence at nightspots associated with other teams in the league. “It’s all in good fun,” said an inebriated Goodrow after Barry’s Tuesday show. “We’re entitled to have fun. We can’t leave all the fun in this league to the criminals and the wannabes.”

Goodrow added that he was strongly considering allowing Barry to drive the Green’s entry in the chariot race at the annual Bacchanal in November.

Barry, who does not generally talk with the media, refused to give his real name “for professional reasons.” But FSN has learned that the performer lives in a nearby condominium that, according to property tax records, is owned by one Bradee Thomas.

While Barry’s regular gig is at the Goodrow-a-Go-Go, he has been spotted during the past week in at least two other NFFA-associated venues. On Monday afternoon, he was chatting with Bubbas coach Jerry Glanville at the Abbottabad Bar at Club Gitmo. The next afternoon, he was seen sipping a Touchdown Taser® with Bakers fan Powers Boothe at the Cherry Bomb Café.

“He really knows the NFFA,” Boothe said. “I asked him if he’d ever played the game, and he smiled and said, ‘I used to be on a powder puff team back home – or were you talking about football?’”

MONEY DROPS BOMBSHELL Big setback for Sharif’s ruling against Corsairs

Commissioner Bill Money (far right) is on the road with the Bernie Sanders campaign.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

In the latest bizarre twist to an increasingly bizarre story, NFFA Commissioner William D. Money claimed he could not recall ever authorizing fellow owner QCurl Sharif to rule on a claim that Money’s East Nashville Black Dogs should be named as rightful champions for the 2014 season.

Last week, Sharif, citing authority he had received from the commissioner, declared that the Downtown Corsairs must forfeit all claim to last year’s league title. His ruling stemmed from a complicated claim filed in May by Black Dogs’ GM Buddy Ryan.

Money, who reportedly spent last week at a spiritual retreat/spa in Arizona, turned up Monday backstage at a Bernie Sanders rally in Dubuque, Iowa. A reporter covering the Sanders campaign for Politico recognized Money, who was wearing Dunhill sunglasses, a grey “Feel the Bern” t-shirt and a “Newport ‘65” baseball cap.

When the reporter asked for a comment about last week’s ruling, Money appeared perplexed and said, “I don’t remember appointing Mr. Sharif to arbitrate anything. In fact, I can’t imagine why I would ever appoint him to do anything that I wanted to get done.”

Money’s statement left a pall of uncertainty around whether Sharif’s ruling should or even could be enforced. “When the whole decision rested on authority given by the league commissioner, and the commissioner then says that authority was never given, then I can’t imagine how the ruling would be allowed to stand,” said Prudence Juris, a professor at Nashville’s Belmont University School of Law. “The league would be open to charges of fraud, collusion and antitrust violations.”

Money stopped short of suggesting that Sharif had knowingly usurped the authority to invalidate the Corsairs’ championship. “Somebody will have to investigate this investigation,” the commissioner said. “First, I’ll have to find someone I can trust. That’s no easy task in this league.

“I trust QCurl, but as we all know it has been a tough year for him, as is every year. I am sure he is doing his best.”

Money’s shocking revelation produced an impromptu celebration at The Palm, the Corsairs’ unofficial headquarters. NashVegas Mayor Karl Dean said that, in the wake of the news, he would reconsider his threat to prevent fans and players from accessing the city’s five NFFA stadiums when league play was to begin in September. “Perhaps,” said Dean, “Bill Money has come to his senses and helped this city avert a moral and economic calamity.”

Mojo D, reached during a team-building exercise at Third Man Records, also refused to assign blame. “I find it completely plausible that Bill Money does not remember authorizing QCurl to take any action on the league’s behalf, and I find it entirely believable that QCurl might have hallucinated the whole thing with the purest of intentions,” said the Corsair owner. “Our calling as an organization is not to be pointers of fingers but seekers of truth.”

Money declined to say whether Sharif’s ruling would be reversed, suggesting that he might consult with the league’s newest owner, Donald Trump, who also is in Iowa this week. “He’s beholden to no one,” Money observed.

Asked about reports of memory loss following head injuries he suffered from an unknown assailant with an iron skillet, Money smiled and said, “I have no recollection of that,” and excused himself as he purchased a skewer of chocolate-covered tofu cubes from a concessionaire.

MAYOR DEAN THREATENS NFFA Vows to close NashVegas venues if Black Dogs crowned champs

Mayor Karl Dean was fired up earlier today as he addressed the situation with the Downtown Corsairs, who have been stripped of their 2014 NFFA championship.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

Even as the sports world reels from the decision of NFFA-appointed arbitrator QCurl Sharif to strip the Downtown Corsairs of the championship they won on the field, Nashville mayor Karl Dean has intervened to up the ante.

Early Tuesday, Dean announced that the Nashville Metro police department would block all access to the five NFFA stadiums within Davidson County, effectively preventing the league’s season from starting in September.

Such a blockade, if enforced, would affect the Corsairs, the Village Green, the 12th Avenue Bakers, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, and the East Nashville Black Dogs, the team that, under Sharif’s decision, would become the league champion for 2014.

“This is obviously an extreme step, but one that I believe is necessary if the NFFA continues down its clearly illegal path,” said a clearly irate Dean as he stood in front of the Music City Center, which doubles as home of the Corsairs.

By midday Tuesday, the two candidates vying to succeed Dean as mayor, Megan Barry and David Fox, both said they supported Dean’s hardball stance against the league.

Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan, who filed the complaint that led to Sharif’s ruling, called Dean’s announcement “[bleep]ing obscene,” pointing out that Dean is closely identified with the Corsairs and, therefore, biased in their favor. “He was drunker than a hoot owl and dancing on the piano at the Palm at their victory party last year,” Ryan said. “Now he’s trying to put in the fix.”

Anton Chigur, the Bubbas’ VP of Community Relations, suggested that Metro Police would find it difficult to prevent games from being played at Colt 45 Stadium. “First of all, we have the most loyal and most heavily armed fans in football, and they’re strongly of the opinion that Stand Your Ground laws apply to encounters with street gangs, I mean, the cops. And second of all, if the police actually show up in our neighborhood, it will be the first time.”

New Green owner Donald Trump, who has not hesitated to roil the waters in his first full week in the league, issued a threat of his own. “Who is this loser Mayor McCheese guy?” Trump blustered in a phone call with reporters. “He couldn’t run a worm farm. He couldn’t be a wart on Rudy Giuliani’s ass. He thinks he can close Trump Stadium and keep the Green from playing? Wait till he watches me pack it all up and move it to the real Village. I already have the property, and all I have to do is evict those rent-controlled losers who are sucking it dry. Karl Dean is just hastening the day when we’ll see the Greenwich Village Green. They’re going to be huge. Block my access to that, you buck-toothed, bloated tub of grits.”

League commissioner Bill Money was reportedly at the Castaneda Spiritual Retreat & Spa in Sedona, Arizona, this week and could not be reached for comment.

SHARIF RULES FOR BLACK DOGS ‘Afterthought’ decision strips Corsairs of title

12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif and Bakers quarterback Tom Brady pose for a photograph at Sharif's "Return to Integrity" dinner Friday evening.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

In the latest among a fast-breaking series of events that threaten to undo the league’s on-field results from last season, 12th Avenue Bakers owner and league-appointed arbitrator QCurl Sharif has ruled that the East Nashville Black Dogs are rightful NFFA champions for 2014-15.

As part of his finding, Sharif said that the Downtown Corsairs, who defeated the West Nashville Beelzebubbas in last season’s championship game, must surrender the trophy they fashioned for themselves.

Sharif’s ruling comes on the heels of an injunction issued by a federal judge to halt a lower-court decision finding that the Corsairs had violated the league’s little-known “160-hour rule” and must vacate their title — the team’s second in three seasons. Sharif’s decision involves a complaint separate from the lawsuit and apparently is not affected by the court case

Earlier in the summer, NFFA Commissioner Bill Money had appointed Sharif to serve as arbitrator and official investigator to study a formal complaint against the league filed by Black Dogs’ general manager Buddy Ryan. According to the complaint, the Bubbas should have been required to forfeit their semifinals playoff victory over the Dogs because their quarterback, Tom Brady, had used underinflated footballs in the game.

A forfeit, Ryan pointed out, would have put the Black Dogs in the championship game — and, based on their higher score in Week 16, would have given them a victory in the finals over the Corsairs.

Commissioner Money, who is also the Black Dogs’ principal owner, recused himself from the decision and appointed Sharif as a neutral party. Though many observers questioned whether Sharif could be truly neutral — he has, after all, accused Corsairs owner Mojo D of attempting to assassinate him, and it was his team that filed the federal lawsuit seeking to strip the Corsairs of their title — a league official who requested anonymity said Money believed that Sharif’s “forget to hate” philosophy allowed him to purge his mind of animosity and render an impartial decision. “In effect,” said the official, “QCurl’s short-term memory loss issues make him more objective by default. He starts every day with a blank slate.”

“It’s an obvious travesty,” said Nashville mayor Karl Dean, who was seen last year at several Corsairs celebrations at The Palm, the team’s unofficial headquarters. “The sooner the league can get an impartial commissioner in place, the better,” Dean added, hinting that he might be available for the position as his mayoral term ends.

Ryan, unsurprisingly, had a different take. “This is a victory for all that is right and decent about this league and about America,” said the Black Dogs’ crusty eminence grise at a hastily called press conference at the Madison Shoney’s, where Ryan was dining when he got the news. “The moral arc of a [expletive] Hail Mary pass is long, but it bends toward justice.”

Donald Trump, the new owner of the Village Green, called FSN Sports with a comment of his own. “Frankly, I don’t see why anyone would be fighting for the right to own that trophy,” Trump said. “Have you seen that trophy? It’s a loser trophy. Some guy sitting on something, maybe a toilet. It looks like something Lindsay Graham would have.

“Let me tell you something. We’re gonna design a new trophy for the NFFA — something huge and gold, maybe with a chimpanzee. Everybody’s going to love this trophy. Everybody’s going to want it, especially after the Village Green take it home this season and show people what a winner looks like.”

Throughout the summer, there had been no word about Sharif’s investigation into Ryan’s complaint. In fact, there was no sign that Sharif had even followed through on his assignment from Money, creating a strong suspicion that the surprise weekend ruling was almost an afterthought.

Before word came that federal judge Martha Craig Daughtrey had issued her injunction favoring the Corsairs, Sharif and a group of supporters had gathered at the reclusive owner’s West End Tree House for what was billed as a “Return to Integrity” party celebrating the earlier decision for Sharif by Judge Natalie Morningstar. The group reportedly included Vice President Joe Biden, whom Sharif has urged to run for the White House in 2016, and, ironically, new Bakers QB Tom Brady, whose alleged cheating had been the basis for the complaint that Sharif upheld.

When a reporter admitted to the celebration found Sharif, who said he and Coach Snoop Dogg were “about to unleash a Cochabamba snowstorm” — an apparent reference to one provision of the trade with the Bubbas that made Brady a Baker — she reminded him that he had not issued any findings from the investigation into Ryan’s complaint that he had been appointed to conduct.

“Oh, yeah,” Sharif replied, as a look of recognition came across his face. “As you know, it’s been a very busy summer for us, and as you also know, we haven’t had access until this week to all the witnesses we needed.”

Turning to Brady, who was engaged in what he later called a staring contest with actor James Franco, Sharif asked, “Tom, did you cheat with deflated balls when you were with the Bubbas?”

After Brady replied, “I think so,” Sharif turned to the reporter and said: “My work is done here. The Black Dogs are the rightful champions.”

While some longtime observers of the league said it was an egregious mistake to delegate the decision solely to Sharif, others suggested that Money’s options were limited. “Hell, the commissioner employs the GM who filed the complaint,” said sportswriter Woody Larry. “If you take a vote of all the owners, they can’t be objective because they’re all jealous of the Corsairs. The Green’s owner put a banner on his website congratulating the Black Dogs as the champions within 30 minutes of the announcement of the investigation.”

Corsairs owner Mojo D could not be reached for comment early Saturday, but Sharif’s ruling is certain to be challenged. “To be continued,” Corsairs’ legal counsel H. Louis Dewey tersely told reporters gathered outside The Roofie at Music City Center just after 8 a.m. Saturday. “This will not stand.”

CORSAIRS FILE INJUNCTION, PROTECT 2014 CHAMPIONSHIP

Corsairs Coach Ray-Ray Lewis and Owner/GM Mojo D talk to the media outside the federal courthouse in Nashville

By Soren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports News

Responding to a lower-court decision to vacate their 2014 NFFA Championship, the Corsairs filed on Thursday an injunction to the 6th Circuit Court of Appeals. Senior Judge Martha Craig Daughtrey granted the injunction, and has set a trial date of January 19, 2016, to "give all sides in this dispute the opportunity for proper discovery."

Backed by Corsairs Coach Ray-Ray Lewis, a visibly perturbed Mojo D addressed the specific charges contained in the complaint outside the federal courthouse in Nashville, just down the street from the Corsairs' home field, The Roofie at Music City Center:

"1. Yes, NFFA payments were late - not withheld. Clerical mistakes were made in accounting, and those responsible have been dealt with harshly. We have made good on our past payments, and our check is in the mail for 2015.

"2. There is no existing NFFA trophy; ergo, we made one. You may pry ours from my cold, dead fingers, but not before. But you may also create your own, should you ever win it all, Q Curl. The league damn sure won't give you one.

"3. I would expect another team to invoke the 160-hour rule, but not Q Curl -- his deep understanding of the fluidity of quantum time-space, and trans-dimensional, planar membranes should preclude the small thinking that produces such an odd, unenforceable rule. 160 sidereal hours is but a blink in the Continuum."

Against his attorney H. Louis Dewey's advice, the Corsairs GM continued: "This is another lame attempt to unseat the reigning NFFA Champion - this seems to come around every season, and it's meant to distract us from the upcoming draft. 

"There are any number of technical challenges: can the undead/re-animated be party to a lawsuit? Can a Ukrainian national sue in US federal court? Who is the unnamed third party?"

At that point, Lewis took the mic:

"The Black Dogs didn't get anywhere with how Tom Brady's balls were handled, so now this half-assed sh*t comes along. The lawyers will fight it, and the Corsairs will go play fantasy football - and win!

"Right now, we are headed back to the War Room (note: the Corsairs have re-located their draft HQ to hipster-infested Pinewood Social) to run scenarios on how to make the most of the four -- count 'em, bitches: four -- picks we have in the first two rounds of the 2015 Draft. From there, we figure out how to continue this dynasty."

Lewis referenced two last-hour transactions that could shape the Corsairs' season: trading WR Odell Beckham Jr. for the Beelzebubbas' 2nd-round pick (#15 overall), and moving WR Dez Bryant and a 4th-round pick to the Bakers for the Bakers' 2nd-round draft pick (#13 overall). The moves give the Corsairs fully 25% of the top 16 picks, even though they are all clustered between #8 and #16.

GREEN PLAY THE TRUMP CARD

New Village Green owner Donald Trump plans to bring back Coach Stuart Smalley.

By Heywood Jablomee
United Web Press International

In a stunning move of bravado, presidential candidate Donald Trump has acquired all assets of the NFFA franchise, The Village Green. While hot on the campaign trail, the Donald let loose his most favorite catch phrase, "You're FIRED!" — this time directed at hometown hero, John Wayne.

Reached for comment, Mr. Trump exclaimed,"This country needs a change. No more freakin' Mexicans, no more old coaches, pilgrims. I will return The Village Green to glory.

"Coach Stuart Smalley will return as our head coach," he concluded.

BOMBSHELL JUDGE DROPS BOMB ON CHAMPS

New 12th Avenue Bakers QB Tom Brady smiles as he leaves the federal courthouse after Tuesday's ruling stripping the Downtown Corsairs of the 2014 NFFA title.

By Man Ray Natural

The Mainline Dope

NASHVILLE—In a delayed, much-anticipated ruling, federal judge Naomi Morningstar, handed down a bombshell decision to the NFFA and its defending champion, Downtown Corsairs, declaring the 2014 title invalid and ordered the trophy returned to the league office by midnight, Friday, August 21.

In her 214-page decision on a lawsuit brought before her under a closed indictment last December, Morningstar revealed that Corsairs owner Mojo D had withheld league payments beyond deadline for several years, manufactured his own championship trophy, and that the franchise had violated the 160-hour rule in which NFFA owners are barred from scouting, research, and team personnel moves that require a total of more than 160 online hours in a week. All are relatively minor infractions, but when viewed as part of a whole design to "gain an unfair advantage," and to "undermine, obstruct, and otherwise impede league business," the judge said, "I have no alternative but to rule in favor of the plaintiffs."

Those plaintiffs include 12th Avenue Bakers owners QCurl Sharif and Petro "Chocolate King" Poroshenko, and a yet-to-be-named participant.

The ruling, which was released in relatively mundane fashion late Tuesday afternoon, means that the league must declare a new defending champion. Mojo D is expected to appeal the decision. Meanwhile, Bakers owner Sharif was planning a dinner to coincide with the Friday midnight deadline in which he and special guests would celebrate the restoration of integrity to the league.

"I think the trophy must be protected and returned to the vault," Sharif had said after filing the suit in December. "It's our last symbol of integrity."

Expected to be in attendance at the midnight dinner is newly acquired quarterback Tom Brady, who has publicly stated his gratitude for being traded to the Bakers, and for reuniting him with close and ailing friend Faith Popcorn.

"This means I can spend more time with her at QCurl's home, and hopefully have an impact on her recovery," Brady said. "This is a bittersweet day. I know how thrilled she was when she left the courthouse after the filing. She's a strong and beautiful woman, and the idea that she is laid up there with that tiny coffin is almost more than I can take."

When questioned about the "tiny coffin" remark, Brady seemed surprised and walked back from his comment.

"I meant to say 'coffin-shaped,'" he said. "It's probably her belongings from the Ukraine and I was so focused on her injuries, I didn't really notice it in detail."

Sharif praised Morningstar's decision and told reporters that her integrity is beyond reproach.

"I've become close with Naomi and have developed a strong opinion about her character," Sharif said. "She doesn't like lying, unless it's centered around role playing, and she doesn't suffer fools, except when we play 'Court Jester.' She's the type of woman who, when dining with Sepp [Blatter] and a few friends, scolded him for not wearing pants to a formal dinner. She's top rack ... I mean shelf."

With the predraft trade deadline looming Wednesday, the legal news is sure to set off a firestorm of reaction and may impact some of the action.

"I think this is a great way to start the new season," Sharif said. "Adrift in a sea of speculation. I hope my dinner will be the first step in restoring some of the values that serve as the foundation of this league."

There has been no official statement from the Corsairs, or the league office, at this time.

SHARIF COMMENTS ON APPOINTMENT AS LEAGUE ARBITRATOR

Judge Naomi Morningstar (FILE PHOTO)

Man Ray Natural
The Mainline Dope

NASHVILLE—12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif emerged from holiday Thursday to comment on the threatened lawsuit proposed by East Nashville Black Dogs' GM Buddy Ryan.

Ryan has asked League Commissioner Bill Money, and owner of the Black Dogs, to force the Downtown Corsairs to vacate the 2014-15 NFFA championship due to illegal actions taken by West Nashville quarterback Tom Brady in the first round of last season's playoffs. He believes the championship should be awarded to the Dogs. Ryan has threatened the lawsuit if no action is taken.

As reported by Ariel Mutha-Tafoya of FSN Sports last week:

"Ryan’s claim stems from revelations that Beelzebubbas’ QB Tom Brady competed in the NFFA playoffs with illegally deflated footballs that gave his team an advantage in the semifinal game, in which the Bubbas defeated the Black Dogs 136.2 to 122.9. Ryan argues that the Bubbas should have been disqualified, advancing the Dogs to the title game. In that event, Ryan claims, his team would have been league champions, since the Black Dogs scored 167 points in the week of the final round, while the Downtown Corsairs, who claimed their second title in three years, scored only 161."

Money subsequently recused himself from any decision that might strip the Corsairs of the title, and in a surprise move, delegated that task to Sharif. Sharif spoke to reporters Thursday from the clubhouse at Richland Golf Course.

"Of course I take the request seriously and because it involves Tom Brady, the whole shit show strikes really close to home," he said. "Brady had visited Faith Popcorn at my place the night before the playoff game. They had been close at one time, and he was in tears when he left. I think he promised a Bubba win in her honor at her bedside — you know, we didn't think she was going to pull through then. This league is like family.

"I suspect he would have done anything at that point. I understand he wore a piece of her underwear and a Bakers T-shirt under his uniform that day. All this is to say it's a complicated issue. Because of my pending lawsuit in front of judge Naomi Morningstar asking for the stripping of the Corsairs' title on entirely different grounds, I may have to recuse myself, as well."

Sharif had just finished a round with disgraced FIFA president Sepp Blatter,  Bakers' head coach Snoop Dogg, and last year's Heisman Trophy winner, Marcus Mariota. The owner had returned earlier in the week from his home in Boulder, Colorado, amid rumors the Bakers are opening a chain of marijuana pharmacies in that state.

"We can deal with that in another news cycle," he said laughing. "Marcus here tells me I should focus on Hawaii and embrace my kona. Really, I'm going to focus on this whole championship thing before I act. The integrity of the league has always been my guiding light. That's why I've invited Sepp to the hacienda. He'll be here for a couple of weeks — we're having dinner with Naomi this weekend, and I'm just going to let this thing slip into my bloodstream. And, I want to talk to Brady and to Buddy myself. Maybe at the Cherry Bomb. That place has always served as a soul pad for resolving our issues for many years."

RYAN CONTESTS LEAGUE TITLE Allegation: Brady’s balls bollixed Black Dogs

Due to allegations of cheating by Beelzebubbas QB Tom Brady (right), Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan (left) has filed a lawsuit to strip the Corsairs of the 2014 NFFA title.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

In a move that could force a recalculation of last year’s NFFA results, Black Dogs general manager Buddy Ryan has threatened to sue the league, alleging that his team is the rightful champion for the 2014-15 season.

Ryan’s claim stems from revelations that Beelzebubbas’ QB Tom Brady competed in the NFFA playoffs with illegally deflated footballs that gave his team an advantage in the semifinal game, in which the Bubbas defeated the Black Dogs 136.2 to 122.9. Ryan argues that the Bubbas should have been disqualified, advancing the Dogs to the title game. In that event, Ryan claims, his team would have been league champions, since the Black Dogs scored 167 points in the week of the final round, while the Downtown Corsairs, who claimed their second title in three years, scored only 161.

“This is an absolute [bleep]ing travesty,” said an angry Ryan in a phone interview Thursday. “We have a franchise owner who’s also league commissioner, and he lets this kind of [bleep] happen to his own team? Just because Old Man Linardo lets him drink for free at Club Gitmo? And because he thinks he needs to lick the mayor’s [bleeps] for political reasons, even though the mayor is a sniveling, mother[bleep]ing Corsairs fan? Bill Money is the one playing with deflated balls here if he doesn’t do something about this.”

Apparently caught off-guard by Ryan’s threatened lawsuit, NFFA Commissioner Money said on Friday that he would recuse himself from any decision about stripping the Corsairs of their title, since his own Black Dog team was involved. Later in the day, he announced that he would delegate the decision to Bakers owner QCurl Sharif.

That move, in turn, appeared to catch longtime observers of the NFFA off-guard. “Unexpected, puzzling and possibly brilliant” was how sportswriter Woody Larry characterized the choice. “Everybody knows that Sharif publicly hates the Corsairs and privately hates the Bubbas, so he could be seen as a neutral figure,” Woody wrote. “On the other hand, given Sharif’s history, there is a distinct possibility that the matter could go to the top of Sharif’s famous Not-To-Do list, which may be part of Money’s calculation. If it drags out for months, maybe it will all go away.”

Sharif could not be reached for comment Saturday. A person who answered the phone at the Bakers offices said the team’s owner was in seclusion at his West End Tree House, where he and ex-Monkees bassist Peter Tork were said to be working on a rock opera about his life.

Attempts to reach Bubbas owner Mos Ded also were unsuccessful, though it has been learned that “friend of the team” Saddam Hussein had contributed $1 million toward a legal defense fund for Brady. Sources said Hussein made the contribution directly to Brady, in the form of a gold brick, at Club Gitmo’s Abbottabad Bar. Hussein was later seen leaving the bar with Brady’s wife, Gisele Bündchen.

Meanwhile, word leaked that the Bubbas were preparing a lawsuit of their own — against the Cambridge Animals, from whom they obtained Brady in exchange for QB Drew Brees. The suit, said confidential sources, will allege that the Animals fraudulently deceived the Bubbas in the trade because they knew that Brady was cheating and that playing him could put the team at risk of forfeiting victories Brady helped win. One person within the Bubbas organization even suggested that the Animals, after the trade, tipped off league officials that Brady was using under-inflated balls during the playoffs.

Within hours after word of Ryan’s threatened suit reached the street, it was already having repercussions around the city. Scattered violence was reported in East Nashville’s trendy Five Points area, where hipsters have established a beachhead in erstwhile hostile territory for the Corsairs, at a Woodland Street club known as The Facepalm. MC Pee Pants, the club’s music director, said a band of “rowdies”  stormed the club just before closing around 2:30 a.m. Saturday, overturning tables and breaking glasses. Several of the intruders, Pee Pants, noted, held black pit bulls on leashes, and at least one of the dogs urinated on a life-size cutout of Nashville Mayor Karl Dean.

Corsairs owner Mojo D could not be reached by phone. Sources said he was holding a fundraiser for mayoral candidate Megan Barry at The Palm, the team’s unofficial nightspot. Attempts to reach other league owners also were unsuccessful, but visitors to the Village Green’s website may have noticed a prominent banner that read, “Congratulations to Black Dogs — Rightful 2014 NFFA Champions.”

Green: Strip Corsairs’ Title Lawsuit alleges champs played with ‘underinflated balls’

Green owner Dave Goodrow (left) pauses to enjoy the thought of stripping his bitter rival, Corsairs owner Mojo D (right, File Photo), of the 2014 NFFA championship.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

In what appears to be a bandwagon effect begun by the 12th Avenue Bakers, the Iowa Green today became the latest team to sue the NFFA in an effort to overturn the Corsairs’ second title in three years. Their allegation: In violation of its own rules, the league allowed Mojo D’s team to play all year with “underinflated balls.”

Citing a little-known provision in the NFFA Official Rule Book and Owners’ Manual 3.0, the lawsuit alleges that the Corsairs failed the portion of the mandatory drug testing for league owners that stipulates a minimum testosterone level of 100 nanograms, the average score for a prepubescent male. The policy also requires league owners to test positive for at least one controlled substance.

The suit claims that the league took no action after learning that Corsairs owner Mojo D tested below the minimum T-level on three different occasions during the season. The suit, filed Friday morning in the courtroom of federal judge Naomi Morningstar — the same judge who will decide the Bakers’ lawsuit against the league — offered no details on how this information had been obtained.

“Let’s just say that someone had the balls to come forward,” said Green owner Dave Goodrow at a noon press conference at Brown’s Diner. “Thank God the NFFA has a Citizen Four” — a reference to the new documentary film about former NSA contractor Edward Snowden, who now serves as Director of Scouting for the West Nashville Beelzebubbas.

“Look,” Goodrow continued, “that minimum T requirement is in the rulebook for a reason. It goes to the whole character and integrity of this league. I mean, when we unveiled our Green-brand meggings last year, we helped people understand what ‘sack yardage’ in the NFFA is all about, and I can tell you it’s not just about football, OK? Mojo is ‘sackless’ and gets away with it? That’s not right. We can’t afford to let our league brand be diminished by underinflated balls.”

Declining to take any questions from the media, Goodrow shouted on his way out, “You can’t even order huevos at The Palm. That should tell you something!”

The suit seeks to require the NFFA to void the results of all games played last season by the Corsairs, including the championship game in which the Corsairs defeated the Beelzebubbas.

The lawsuit filed last month by the Bakers seeks a similar result, alleging that the Corsairs violated league rules limiting team personnel to 160 hours online per week. It was unclear whether the two suits might be combined by Judge Morningstar.

As of this writing, Corsairs’ team officials have not responded to repeated requests for comment.

Reached at the league’s offices, Acting NFFA Commissioner Bill Money said, “We haven’t seen the suit yet, so we can’t comment, but we will scrotunize it, er, I mean, scrutinize it, very carefully.”