BET ON BAKERS, SAYS SADDAM Club Gitmo Sports Book makes Sharif’s team odds-on favorite

Saddam Hussein answers a question at yesterday's press event at Club Gitmo.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

The calculation of betting odds for the upcoming season may have surprised many casual NFFA fans, but for Saddam Hussein, Chief Operating Officer at the Club Gitmo Sports Book, the much-anticipated numbers pointed all along to one conclusion: 2018 looks like “the year of the Baker.”

The betting line opened on Tuesday with 3:1 odds on the London Bakers, making them the clear favorite to capture the league title this season. “Look” said Hussein at a lavish afternoon press event replete with free Touchdown Tasers® brought over from the Cherry Bomb Café, “the Bakers came within a goat’s eyeball of winning it all last year. Just five more points in the semi-final game, and they’d have taken home the Dead Lombardi Trophy that was named for their former coach. 

“And they did all of that IN SPITE of carrying the curse of Tom Brady on their backs. (No team with Brady has ever won an NFFA title.) Now they don’t have Brady, and the curse is lifted. It’s a simple case of addition by subtraction. No Todd Gurley? No big deal. No Tom Brady? Huge deal.”

The Pie Town Ballers and South Franklin Independents also were among the favorites, each with 6:1 odds. “The Vapers, er, Ballers, are a perennial contender, and they don’t lose any keepers to free agency this year,” Saddam said. “They don’t have [bleep] at wide receiver right now, or their odds might be even better, but they’ll address that in the draft, we’re sure.”

As for the Independents, whose favorable odds surprised many NFFA observers, Hussein said: “Being under new management makes a big difference for this team. The old ownership had become deadweight. Suzy Fine is already serving notice that it won’t be the same old insanity with that bunch, and they now have a very strong core, especially with the trade for Ezekiel Elliott.”

Odds, followed by Hussein’s comments, for the other five franchises:

East Nashville Black Dogs — 8:1.  “They don’t even have a coach right now, but they’re always a dangerous threat to win it all. The fact that Bill Money is too busy with his Senate campaign to get in the way of the operation is a plus. Don’t sleep on the Black Dogs, or they can bite your ass.”

Atlanta Smack Daddies — 12:1. “There’s a reason no one has more rings than them. They were set for a big run last year and then got destroyed by injuries right out of the gate. Besides me, who could have predicted that would happen? They could surprise this year, especially if they get the QB situation right.”

Village Green — 20:1. “Don’t get me wrong; they have some great pieces in place. But that’s going to be outweighed by erratic ownership and lack of continuity. I have no problem with putting your daughter in charge, but let’s face facts. Ivanka Trump is no Cash Money. They’d have a better chance with Uday and Qusay.”

Cambridge Animals — 100:1. “I’m not counting them out yet because they haven’t officially drafted Brady. Look for a downward revision of the odds when that happens. There may also be an upward revision if they make Zuma the Animal GM, as has been rumored. And don’t forget that the Grandmother of All Curses is still working against them. The curse of Brady is even worse, although it doesn’t mean they can’t make the playoffs.”

West Nashville Beelzebubbas — 999:1. “Our system prevents us from any odds longer than that. Curse of the champion. That’s all you need to know. No one has beaten it, ever. They might as well start stockpiling fourth-round draft picks for 2019. Go ahead and get a million of your friends to put a dollar on them. That’s a million dollars for me.”

TRUMP LAYS INTO FINE Prez goes on late-night Twitter storm

The first salvo in President Trump's tweets aimed at new owner Suzy Fine.

By Heywood Jablome
United Web Press International

BEDMINSTER, N.J.—“Pick a side Suzy Fine!!” was the curt tweet that came from President Donald Trump late Saturday evening.  

“This is your first year in the league and you name your team the god damn South Franklin Independents??? !”  tweeted The Donald soon thereafter. “This league doesn't like softie ownership that stays on the sideline and doesn't pick a side.”

In an early morning presser, White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders released the following statement.

“Mr. Trump sees black and white in everything. The decision to name the new team the Independents did not please the President.”

Stuart Smalley

Village Green co-owner Dave Goodrow agrees, according to those in the know. Stuart Smalley, the Green's assistant coach stated, “When Goodrow and I played golf last week, he told me that he doesn't agree with the president’s politics, but he appreciates him picking a side.”  

This reporter agrees. Wasn't Trump a Hillary supporter in 2012? Should make for an interesting beginning to the 2018 NFFA season.

NFFA DIGNITARIES WELCOME SUZY FINE

Village Green owner Dave Goodrow poses for a photo with Suzy Fine, his old friend and guest of honor, at the Goodrow A Go Go last last night.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

HILLSBORO VILLAGE—The Goodrow A Go Go was the scene of a fabulous private gala last night, as the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association welcomed its newest owner, Suzy Fine, to the league family. Village Green co-owner Dave Goodrow, who is an old friend of Fine's and was one of the owners pushing hardest for her admittance to the league, played host for the star-laden event that was the talk of Nashvegas. 

Fine arrived at the soirée in a black stretch limo escorted by NFFA founder Dr. Jorge Linardo. Like many of the owners, Fine is a protege of the enigmatic Linardo. Her franchise, the South Franklin Independents, replaces the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, whose owner, Tirik Obobber, died under mysterious circumstances at the end of March. 

Mojo D, Pompatus

The guest list included a number of celebrated couples, such as Green QB Aaron Rodgers and his girlfriend, Danica Patrick, soon-to-be Cambridge Animals QB Tom Brady and his wife, Giselle, and Pie Town Ballers owner Mojo D and his wife, The Pompatus of Love.

Atlanta Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica caused a stir when he arrived with Stormy Daniels and her attorney, Michael Avenatti. Fortunately, President Trump, who is the majority owner of the Village Green, was not in attendance.

Former East Nashville RB DeMarco Murray (who is now part of the Black Dogs' broadcast team alongside play-by-play man Gus Johnson and sideline reporter Pamela Des Barres) was also in attendance, accompanied by the Money twins, Mo and Cash, the GM and president respectively of the Black Dogs. Their father and team owner, Bill Money, was in Maryville last night where he was holding a rally for his campaign as an independent for Tennessee's open U.S. Senate seat and unable to attend the festivities at the Goodrow A Go Go.

London Bakers owner QCurl Sharif, who is convalescing at a farm south of Nashville, made an appearance at the event via Facebook Live. Sharif, who has often been called the heart and soul of the league, spoke directly to Fine: "Ownership in this league is a privilege few have enjoyed. Welcome to the greatest fantasy football league in the history of the world."

In addition to Dr. Linardo, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas were represented by Saddam Hussein, who made an extremely rare appearance outside Club Gitmo, and Michael Che, who with the passing of Art Bell is the new host of the 'Bubbas' call-in show.

"With Suzy Fine in charge, we had to greatly improve that team's odd for this season," Hussein, who runs the Club Gitmo Sports Book, said. "The Independents could be the team that meets the Bakers for the championship."

Besides having worked with Dr. Linardo, Fine previously worked with Goodrow and Mojo D and has been friends with them for decades. Even so, as the party wound down, Fine pulled no punches when asked about her team's chances. "I was glad to learn we're in the Jorge division, the same division as the Green and the Ballers," she said. "I figure that's a sure four wins every year, and halfway to a playoff berth."

SHARIF MAKES PUBLIC APPEARANCE, SPEAKS TO Q CONSPIRACY THEORISTS

Leaked cell phone photo of QCurl Sharif from his hospital bedside in July.

By Man Ray Natural

The Mainline Dope

NASHVILLE—In an unexpected interview from a private room at the Cherry Bomb Café, London Bakers owner QCurl Sharif accused Russian president Vladimir Putin of ordering his poisoning, and spoke out to those critics linking him with a deplorable sub-genre of Donald Trump supporters known as "bakers" who follow a theoretical deep-state official known as "Q."

Their belief is that President Trump is in league with Q, and that the pair are coordinating a massive counter-coup against the Illuminati and the U.S. government. They also believe that Special Counsel Robert Mueller's investigation of Russian meddling in the U.S. democratic process is being done in concert with Trump's covert uprising.

Sharif revealed that he had been in hospital for much of July recovering from the Russian poisoning attack. The hospital, located deep in the Blue Ridge Mountains of North Carolina, treated Sharif under an assumed name.

"Of course, my involvement fighting the Russians in the Ukraine, and my Bakers' partnership with Petro Poroshenko has put a target on my back these past few years," Sharif said, smiling weakly beneath a portrait of Baker great Steve McNair at the Cherry Bomb. "I have worked hard to remain open and accessible to our fans and to my many friends, but it has been a challenge to protect myself from these thugs.

"Our move to London enraged the White House and our practice of kneeling on the sidelines for the duration of our games has flat out shriveled Trump's nuts. Literally. Our operatives told the Baker front office that his nuts recede into his body during tantrums. What I didn't take into account is that he is more dangerous when "genderless." He dresses like Rudy Giuliani and walks the streets of D.C. in the wee hours, stalking young men, coveting their precious bodily fluids. It is rumored he has drugged and murdered multiple victims in the past eighteen months."

Sharif contends Trump appealed to Putin personally in full fright wig and dress to poison him.

"I was on a cleansing retreat in the mountains when I fell ill," he said. "I received a deep ayurvedic massage treatment and had returned to my yert for reflection. I've come to believe a toxin was placed in my personal humidor. My treatments were experimental and nearly killed me -- but i'm expected to make a full recovery. The doctors told me it was reminiscent of treating Elvis in the old days. They loaded me with a broad range of pain killers and cleaning agents and let the chips fall where they would.

"Incredibly, Petro told me he has a confirmed video recording of a bare-chested Putin and Trump sealing the deal physically."

Sharif decided to come to Nashville to continue his recovery before returning to London.  He learned of the "Q" theory while recuperating on a farm just south of the city.

Putin the Poisoner?

"I think these fools are walking hand-in-hand with Trump and Putin in an attempt to further turn the screw on me personally," he said. "I think our annual Bacchanals with the Bubbas have pushed them over the edge. And though Biggs and I are members of the original chapter of the Bavarian Illuminati, we do not truck with the rogues of the New World Order, and all that Eyes Wide Shut bullshit. That's for amateurs.

"I believe there will be a reckoning of the global body politic during this NFFA season, I believe it will be a natural thing — and for the real Bakers out there, I pledge it will only enhance our drive to the championship."