CORSAIRS CELEBRATE PLAYOFFS; Team officials decry "disinformation"

At left, Corsairs Media Diva Rosetta Stone dances with Nashville Mayor Karl Dean on the bar at The Palm; right: the crowd and liquor spilled into the streets of downtown Nashville Friday night, for the Corsairs' Pep Rally, whose theme was "Smoke the Green."

By Soren Bernyn
FSN

With their Week 11 win over the suddenly hapless Bakers, The Downtown Corsairs clinched their third-straight playoff berth and the Linardo Division crown. Owner Mojo D and Coach Ray-Ray Lewis were ecstatic, and celebrated with Nashville's beautiful people at the Palm until the wee hours of Tuesday morning.

"The team came to play - and to win," Lewis said. "I think we will run the table to 11-3; the rest of our games are against the division, and they just haven't shown any life. It's like they aren't even trying. In the Jorge, though - that is gonna be some sh*t! I can't wait to see them crazy bitches f*ck each other over the next three weeks..."

Mojo D held court at the Palm bar with Hayden Panty-Area, Mayor Karl Dean, Project Runway finalist Amanda Valentine, a few Kings of Leon and several bottles of Corsair Quinoa whiskey. While the Corsairs' owner shmoozed, the team's Media Diva Rosetta Stone addressed recent articles on the NFFA Newswire, which she labeled "disinformation and misguided, lame smack. It was nothing that came out of our camp."

"The article claiming Mojo D had put the team on a Suzanne Somers-approved diet and exercise regimen is patently false. Sure, maybe a 60-Burger will expand your waistline, but it tastes like victory! Our own investigation has traced the story not only to Somers' manager, but also to a writer in Iowa - you can draw your own conclusions about that, but maybe some people are spending time spreading disinformation, rather than tending to their utterly pathetic teams."

Stone, usually a stoic face for the franchise, grew animated when previewing the Week 12 tilt with the Green: "We will be happy to welcome Goodrow back to Nashville and the Roofie, and pound their prairie ass with some signature Corsairs power. Goodrow has named the team his nemesis, so now we will try to build on that legend."

When asked if the next three weeks are meaningless, Stone exploded: "Meaningless? Are you f*cking kidding me?? The Green poached on our turf before the last game, and there will be some hell to pay. He wants a grudge match? Done, Bad-Row! Plus, the Jorge teams will tear each other up, and we still have a crack at the top seed. Lucky went after Mojo D when he suggested taking a rest this week - he wants to play, to dominate, to be a champion!"

Mojo D took in the scene, tilted his head back, laughed silently and said: "damn, I love having an attack dog."

RYAN, DOGS FANS IN SQUABBLE AT THE BOMB

East Nashville GM Buddy Ryan (shown in file photo above) was involved in an altercation with Bakers fans last night at The Cherry Bomb Café.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Some fans of the 12th Avenue Bakers were involved in a confrontation with East Nashville GM Buddy Ryan at The Cherry Bomb Café last night; a situation that almost got ugly when some Black Dogs fans who happened to be in the club decided to come to Ryan's rescue, the AWP has learned.

An eyewitness who asked not to be identified described the scene as follows: "I was at the bar when this guy came in who looked familiar, and as he walked by, I realized it was Buddy Ryan," the eyewitness said. "He went over and sat down in the booth that is always reserved for Powers Boothe, you know the actor on that show Nashville, who is a huge Bakers fan. Before any of the staff could wait on him, three young guys wearing Bakers hats and jackets went over, and one of them told Buddy to get out of the booth, that it was reserved 'for Powers.'

"Well, Buddy looked at the guy's Bakers gear, and said, 'Son, I've been the power in this league for 10 years, so get on out of here before I have to kick your ass.'

"The Bakers fans didn't like that," the witness continued. "One of the other guys said, 'You got it backwards, pops. You're the one about to get his ass kicked.' 

"Then as they were about to pull Buddy out of the booth, two guys wearing Black Dogs hoodies suddenly appeared from another part of the club. I heard one of them say, 'We're from the East Nasty, mother[expletives] — we ain't gonna play wit' ya. Mr. Ryan doesn't want to be bothered by you bitches. Now get outta here before we do to you what the Dogs are gonna do to the Bakes this weekend.'

"At that point, the Bakers fans reluctantly returned to their table, and Buddy invited the two Black Dogs fans to join him in the Powers Boothe booth. After several rounds of Touchdown Tasers™, the Dogs fans began taunting the Bakers fans from across the room with chants of 'J.J. Watt, J.J. Watt.' Buddy was laughing so hard I thought he might have a heart attack. The situation almost got out of hand all over again," the witness concluded.

When reached by phone today, Bakers owner QCurl Sharif said he hadn't heard about any trouble at the club last night. Ryan responded to an email query with "No comment."

MOJO D ANNOUNCES LOW-JO MOJO DIET Mandatory for all Corsairs players

Allegedly, Suzanne Somers (left) has been hired as Corsairs team dietician by Mojo D, shown above in a photo leaked from Odell Beckham's Instagram account.

By Heywood Jablomé
United Web Press International

AMES, Iowa—According to a source within the Corsairs organization, team owner Mojo D and his management team have taken the last few days to hole up, hunker down and consider some changes. Reeling from three consecutive losses, Corsairs ownership determined that the illness is from within the organization.  

"Lackluster performance and guys not hustling have hurt us," Mojo D said, according to the source who wished to remain anonymous. "We've got some of the best guys in the league, but they're in shitty shape and can't run a 6 second 40 for crying out loud! I've looked in the mirror and asked, 'Why?' Are they eating right? Are they on the right diet? Are they exercising?

"Beginning today, we are starting the Low-Jo-Mojo Diet," Mojo D said. "All meals will be prescribed by new team dietician, Suzanne Somers." Reports of Somers, famous for her Thigh Master and Butt Master Gold, joining the team have been confirmed.

"I took a look at a few pictures of myself and decided, I needed to lead by example" Mojo D continued. "If I can get rid of my low jo, then my players can." In a closed door meeting, Mojo D shared a "before" picture of his "low-jo" with his players to get them fired up.  

"Hopefully this will work," Mojo D said, his voice rising. "I can't stand to lose again. I've lost the three games I planned on losing this year. NO MORE."   

Only time will tell if this newly shaped team can stop the bleeding.

NFFA news and notes BYE BYE, AWESOME AWESOMENESS? Say what? Corsairs could miss playoffs!

Village Green owner Dave Goodrow donned an Afro wig in an attempt to mock Cambridge Animals owner DTA, but to no avail — DTA considered it flattering.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Bye weeks hurt every team, and what a difference a week makes, especially for teams that load up on players from a single NFL team like the Cambridge Animals.

In week nine with New England Patriots filling half its starting lineup, Cambridge outpaced the league's highest-scoring team, the Downtown Corsairs, 196.9 to 186.6. That capped a two-week stretch in which the Animals averaged more than 211 points per game and played themselves back into playoff contention. Headlines proclaimed the return of the team's "awesome awesomeness."

Fast forward to week 10, the Patriots' bye week, and the Animals' "awesome awesomeness" was nowhere to be found in their 31-point loss to the low-flying Village Green, who put 171.4 on their less-than-awesome asses.

When reached by cell phone on his return trip from Iowa and asked if he was worried that the "awesome awesomeness" hadn't shown up in Ames, team owner Dave the Animal was not perturbed. "No, it was just on its bye week," DTA said. "Blame it on the NFL, if you have to blame someone."

He went on to call the early betting line that had the Animals a 13+ underdog this week to the Atlanta Smack Daddies "bull[expletive]."

With time for only one more question, DTA said he wanted to offer a comment about the fact Village Green owner Dave Goodrow had donned an Afro wig in apparent mockery of DTA's own 'fro. "I didn't consider it a mockery, I considered it a homage," he said. "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I congratulate Goodrow on his choice of hairstyle, and I congratulate him on his victory when the 'awesome awesomeness' was on a bye."

Say what? Corsairs could miss playoffs!

Believe it or not, the Downtown Corsairs, who were perfect in the first half of the season, are now riding a surprising three-game losing streak. But wait, even more unbelievable, with only four game to go in the regular season, the Corsairs mathematically could miss the playoffs. Are you kidding? It's highly unlikely, of course, but the prospect would have been unthinkable three weeks ago. Here's what would have to happen:

• The Corsairs would have to lose out and finish 7-7. Not likely, but you never know. That's why they actually play the games.

• One of the three other teams in the Linardo division — either the Atlanta Smack Daddies, Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs or Village Green who are all 3-7 at this point — would have to win out. Again, not likely, but you never know — especially when you consider the Green's history of spoiling the Corsairs' plans.

But if the above scenario were to somehow play out, the Corsairs would finish 7-7, same as whichever division rival wins out, and the first tiebreaker (head-to-head) would be moot because the two teams would have split their two regular-season contests. The second tiebreaker for division champion is division record: The Corsairs would finish with a 3-3 record within the division, whereas the other 7-7 team would finish with a 4-2 division record and claim the Linardo division title.

That would put the 7-7 Corsairs into the wild-card chase and then it's a crap shoot. There have never been two teams from the same division with only seven wins to make the playoffs. The East Nashville Black Dogs already have eight wins, and the 6-4 12th Avenue Bakers and West Nashville Beelzebubbas would only have to win half their remaining games to finish with better records than the Corsairs and secure the two wild-card berths.

For the record, the Corsairs are almost certainly not going to miss the playoffs. They need only one win in their final four games to clinch the division title — and three of those games are against teams that currently have 3-7 records. But the fact there is a mathematical chance they could miss the playoffs with only four games to go after starting 7-0 is nothing short of mind-blowing.

The 'Buddy' system

East Nashville Black Dogs GM was already the leading candidate for Executive of the Year before he pulled off another trade on Tuesday, this time sending running back Ben Tate to 12th Avenue for the Bakers seventh round pick in the 2015 draft. Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon talked about the trade at his weekly media circus yesterday.

"You gotta hand it to Buddy," McMahon told the gathered media. "Not only has he been one of the league's top GMs for a decade, he has a big heart, too. You would never know it, but Buddy has felt bad that his blockbuster trade with the Bakers that landed us J.J. Watt didn't work out better for The Sharif. It especially bothered him the trade has been universally panned as the worst trade in league history. Quarterback Kirk Cousins was a bust and Q has already cut him. Reggie Bush has been battling injuries and hasn't been able to boost the Bakes' running back corps. Defensive end Rob Ninkovich is really the only player who has panned out for them.

"Thanks to Buddy, we have a strong stable of running backs," he continued. "But now that we are past our bye-week issues at that position, I could foresee a lot of pine time for Ben Tate — despite the fact he has averaged 10 points per game in the six weeks since returning from an injury in week one.

"Buddy knew Q was looking to add another running back, so he offered Tate for a future draft pick. As a result, Tate is now a Baker and we will have the Bakers' seventh round pick in next year's draft." 

When Bakers' nemesis Woody Larry asked if the trade was not just another example of Ryan taking advantage of Bakers owner Sharif, McMahon said. "Well, despite missing two-and-half games, Ben has outscored everyone taken in the seventh round this year except Russell Wilson and Roddy White — and White has scored only 10 more points than Ben despite playing more games. Trent Richardson, Michael Crabtree, Jordan Cameron, Patrick Willis, Bobby Wagner and Darrelle Revis were also selected in that round and Ben has outscored them all. So I think it's fair trade, and a good one for both teams."

Later in the press conference, Joe Biddle took a shot at Corsairs owner Mojo D when he asked the coach if they were serving "60-burgers" on the East Side after quarterback Aaron Rodgers put 67.5 points on the Corsairs at The Dawg House last weekend. "Nah," McMahon said. "We've got a team focus over here. Joints over here were serving W-burgers, 'cause the W is all that matters."

Asher Addresses Corsairs TelepathicallyAround the Linardo: Goodrow Mocks DTA, Lex MIA, Manning-Crush Over in FI

Asher Lentz, in a recent photo, has discovered mental telepathy. His ESP is amplified by Cerebro, on loan from the Xavier School for Gifted Children

By Soren Bernyn
FSN

In a stunning locker-room meeting Thursday, Asher Lentz addressed the Downtown Corsairs after a film session at The Roofie at Music City Center. The preemie wonder spoke to the players through telepathic means, discovered once the NICU released him from the confines of an incubator. “Now that my thoughts can get out, I have some sh*t to say,” his mind reached out to the players and coaches, who were stunned silent.

“I may just be a tiny baby, but I know a little something about resilience,” Asher’s thought-wave began. The silent locker room burst into spontaneous applause, even thought here was nobody in the room addressing them. Asher has amazed some of his physicians, including one Dr. Woo, who proclaimed “Asher is my crowning achievement.” Although there are those who question Dr. Woo: “Are you crazy? Are you high? Or just an ordinary guy?”, the medical consensus is that Asher is indeed one of those miracles. 

Asher’s address continued to a rapt audience: “These players - this team - has the soul, the strength and the drive to bounce back and reach for the ultimate victory. Dare I say they have the moxie to manifest excellence? OK, now it’s nap time, people.”

And it was done.

After the mind-conference was over, Coach Ray-Ray Lewis choked up when asked for a comment: “When a tiny preemie baby can reach out with his mind, that’s something. But when he can inspire and drive these players to even greater success, that is beyond even the greatest coach’s ability. I am humbled by Asher, and even though we dropped a couple of games, this team has the eye of the tiger; they believe that they have business to finish. Asher is bringing some serious Gandhi shit.”   

The Corsairs travel across the river to the East Nasty in Week 10 for another showdown between the two powerhouse teams in the NFFA. The Corsairs will be without the NFFA's #1 scoring player, QB Andrew Luck, but owner Mojo D said "the team's motto has always been 'rather be lucky than good any day,' and we're counting on conjuring up some of that mojo for this game." So far, mixed results: in the early game, DB Pacman Jones continued a solid Krankenstein run with 14.9, but RB Jeremy Hill could not sustain his beastly Week 9 and finished with a weak 6.1.

In other news from around the Linardo Division:

Goodrow Mocks Dave the Animal in Drunken Halloween Video

In a video clip released on YouTube, Green owner Dave "Goodrow" Goodridge rants drunkenly on the NFFA generally, but reserved an especially homophobic, profane and existential diatribe for Dave the Animal and the Cambridge Animals.

Donning a wig that mocked the Animals' signature logo hairstyle, Goodrow spewed both vitriol and tequila with fervor generally reserved for his nemesis Corsairs. "DTA and those other Boston f*ggots can suck my crusty meggings - when those rump-rangers come to the prairie, we will bring a f*cking war!"

More from Iowa soon, as the Green's new facility unfolds in a cornfield near Ames...

Smack Daddies MIA in Week 9, Sing "Bye Bye Bye" to W

Inexplicably, the Atlanta Smack Daddies started three players on a bye week, and did not start a PK at all in Week 9. Which worked well for the Black Dogs, who played without red-hot QB Aaron Rodgers - had the Daddies shown up, it is likely they would have at least been competitive - despite losing QB Nick Foles - in a week when the Dogs scored almost 50 below their season average." Daddies' Owner Lex Dominica was unavailable for comment, but Corsairs owner Mojo D and Beelzebubbas' mouthpiece Mos Ded concurred: "Lex hosed us."

Obobber's Manning-Crush Over

Even though his beloved Peyton He Hate Me left Fidalgo Island, it appeared Tirik Obobber's Manning-crush was back -- until the Sea Hogs owner unceremoniously dropped "Peytie's bubba" QB Eli Manning from the team's roster after, after an embarrassing performance in Week 9. With Eli's performance, the Sea Hogs contributed to the second-straight Jorge-division sweep of the Linardo.

BAKERS ON ROLL Faith returns home

The solid-chocolate, life-sized bust of Bakers owner QCurl Sharif that was a gift from the Ukrainian people is temporarily on display at The Cherry Bomb Café (above).

Man Ray Natural
The Mainline Dope

NASHVILLE — In an emotional reunion two weekends ago at the Nashville airport, 12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif and PR Director Faith Popcorn embraced and hurriedly made their way to an awaiting car. The owner had left his private box during the Bakers-Smackdaddies game Oct. 26 to meet Popcorn, and reportedly ushered her to his West End home, where an entire floor has been fitted to accommodate her recovery and rehab.

Popcorn was gravely wounded while fighting against the Russian-backed rebels with Sharif in eastern Ukraine this past summer. Though her exact medical condition has not been revealed, she is believed to have suffered injuries in a rocket attack on a government military convoy. Witnesses at the airport told The Dope that her head and face was covered entirely with bandages, and that she seemed to be speaking to Sharif through a voicebox.

The starcrossed franchise is enjoying its best record in several seasons, and Sharif had stated publicly, following the death of head coach Rob Bironas, that he wanted to "bring Faith home." Popcorn was accompanied by the Ukrainian honor guard, along with a life-sized bust of Sharif  — a gift from the Ukrainian people — sculpted in solid chocolate, and a small white coffin, trimmed in Baker blue. It, too, was said to be a gift from the Ukrainian people, though no further explanation was given.

Popcorn, who has not been seen since, is considered to be the driving force in the crafting of the modern Bakers image, a far cry from the one haunted by tractors and weird science, as well as its revolving door with head coaches, circumstances synonymous with the Baker brand in the 1970s and early 1980s.

"Without God, there is no Faith," Sharif said. He hosted a small post-victory party Sunday night on the back lawn at his home, as she familiarized herself with her new surroundings in the residence. "Without Faith, there is no God."

The Bakers blowout win over the Smackdaddies, and an ensuing victory over the Village Green a week ago, has the team in the hunt for a playoff spot, but coach Snoop Lion reminded those gathered at Sharif's home that it was a long and uncertain road that laid ahead for the franchise.

"We've been in this position before, and crashed," Lion said. "And, I think that everyone needs to look out for Cambridge. Those honkys up there are burning it down. I'd say they are the best team in the league right now, and just knowing they are waking up scares me. This division is hardcore. I mean, the Black Dogs are the Black Dogs. And, the 'Bubbas and the Animals just busted some of that Corsair ass. I don't know what's in front of us. It looks bloody out there — and I've got no running back. No one is stepping up.

"But, I believe that with Faith back on the scene, we might get our groove on. But, more importantly we've got to get her walking again. I think QCurl would trade the rest of the season, just to see her walk across the floor up there. I know he thinks he's responsible for what happened to her, and what went down with Bironas. So, our record's not what's important here — it's the healing, baby. We got healing to do."

When asked about the small coffin that was carried into the house, Lion was circumspect.

"I don't know about that," he said. "I mean, I've seen packages and crates come and go around here. That thing might be packed with cash or dope, for all I know. Could be chocolate. I just know it's been up in the room with Faith every night."

The Bakers square off with Fidalgo Island this weekend, in search of their sixth victory in the last eight games. More on this story as it develops.

ANIMALS REDISCOVER AWESOME AWESOMENESS Climate of fear grips NFFA

Relying on his magic "third eye" to look for loose change under his sofa cushions, DTA found the Animals' Awesome Awesomeness, prompting the team's resurgence.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Correspondent

Nearly halfway into the season, the Cambridge Animals were at rock bottom in the NFFA, with one lonesome win to show for six games of effort. Suddenly, after three straight victories, the Animals not only are the league’s hottest team but the one that is provoking the most fear among opponents — including the two 7-2 teams at the top of the standings, the Downtown Corsairs and the East Nashville Black Dogs.

While those two teams will battle at The Dawg House this weekend for sole possession of first, in what ordinarily might be considered the game of the year so far, all eyes will be on Ames, Iowa, where the floundering Green host the surging Animals, who their owner has described as a “snarling, loin-girded horde of homoerotic Huns sweeping fabulously across a trembling and supplicant land.”

“They’re the Ebola of the NFFA,” said ESPN’s Steven A. Smith. “They’re scaring the (excrement) and the vomit out of everybody else.”

Statistics outline an Animals’ resurgence. Through the first five weeks, the team averaged just 138.4 points per game. In the four contests that followed, they have averaged a gaudy 187.1 ppg. And during the past two weeks, when they have been the league’s top-scoring team, the Animals have averaged a jaw-dropping 211.3 ppg.

But the statistics do not provide the fuller picture of the Animals’ remarkable turnaround. Early on, say sources close to the team, Cambridge owner Dave the Animal had lost both focus and confidence. Perhaps, some suggested, he had been distracted by his involvement in the Partnership Against a Drug-Free America and his efforts to have free methamphetamines supplied for school lunchrooms as part of the new common core standards.

As injuries and losses — and fan criticism of the team’s management — mounted, a suddenly underconfident DTA turned to rival owners for lineup advice that sometimes proved disastrous. Wilder the Animal, the prodigy who had been named General Manager of the Year in the NFFA just two seasons ago, seemed to have lost his touch.

The turning point came when DTA, fearing to go out in public, ordered a large PAPA (pineapple, arugula, pomegranate and artichoke) pizza from Fabu Pie, an upscale boutique pizzeria/nail salon, on October. Realizing he was short on tip money, DTA began searching under the cushions of his den sofa. Along with three quarters, two dimes, two nickels, and an autographed copy of Dylan Thomas’ “Under Milkwood,” the Cambridge owner found the team’s fabled “Awesome Awesomeness” — and the Animals went on to rattle off four consecutive victories.

“I had no idea it was there or how it got there,” a red-faced DTA said later. “I had accused Wilder of losing it and grounded him for a month. Now I’m thinking Matt Damon stuck it down there when he was drunk, or Harvey Weinstein hid it there in a hardball effort to bring me to the negotiating table. Anyway, we’re taking a no-questions-asked approach. We’re just glad the A-A is back.”

While the Animals remain in last place in the red-hot Jorgé Division, they’re just two games behind in the playoff race, with divisional play set to resume in two weeks. After withstanding a furious comeback to hand the suddenly reeling Corsairs their second straight defeat, some analysts say the Animals are poised to run the table, finish 9-5, and secure a playoff berth.

“I’ve never not been scared of them,” said Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, “especially in the second half of the season when the Awesome Awesomeness kicks in. I’ve always said, ‘There’s nothing more dangerous than a wounded Animal, except a wounded gay animal that’s been smoking crystal for days on end.’”

“There’s a famous story from the 1920s when the New York Yankees were traveling by train for a series on the road,” said Beelzebubbas owner Mos’ Ded. “Babe Ruth walked in the restaurant car and announced, ‘Any woman that doesn’t want to get [bleeped] better be out of here in 5 minutes.’

“That’s what it feels like with the Animals right now. They’re [bleep]ing everything in their path.”